Tuesday, August 30, 2016


It's been quite a process but today I brought home the last of the boxes from our old home. While there I had to take a moment to reflect in one of the most important rooms in that house. The room that was originally going to be for Genesis. It's empty. Not a single thing left. Just the mural I painted for her. For my future rainbows. 

I had to just sit there and take it all in. A flashback if you will, of the history in that room. I can feel it. After all, I did live here 11 years. 

Every brushstroke had so much emotion. Each told a story that will always be contained in these walls.

A story of how we had an extra room we thought would be great for a baby one day. How we got pregnant and started to plan the nursery. How in the middle of getting it ready she died. How I came home with empty arms and a half finished nursery that wouldn't be used for her. How I convinced myself that I would be a mother to a living child one day and insisted on finishing the nursery. How I finished the nursery and I still was hoping for a rainbow. How I got pregnant with my first rainbow only for my then husband to leave me and never look back.  How I used this room for my first rainbow once he safely made it earth side. How I grew strong from being a single mom. How I decided to have another child on my own. How I was empowered as a single mother of two rainbows. How I eventually got remarried. How I got pregnant again but a day or so later experienced another loss. How I was blessed again to raise another two rainbows in that room. 

This room has held 4 miraculous children. It has seen countless tears, it has been there through the nights of sick kids, it's heard so many prayers, has witnessed laughter, joy and miracles. Blanket forts, fairy lights, glow in the dark stars, bedtime stories, lullabies, diaper changes and lots and lots of imagination.

The same room that I poured my hopes and dreams into, held my babies as they slept and dreamt. 

It's so cery hard to say goodbye. To leave. I don't anticipate going back again... And if I ever did, I doubt this mural will still be there. So today I say goodbye to this chapter. I will never forget. 

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Exodus at Garfield park

Walking at Garfield park I came across this. I took this as a sign from Exodus. I love that both my girls are here 💕

I'm not ready

Im sitting in the kids room sort of in awe that this won't be our home in just a couple of days. This room specifically is going to be hard to leave behind. It has so much history. So much love. It holds a story. The story of how I moved in here married to my first husband. The story of us trying to get pregnant and setting up the nursery for our future child. The story of how we never got to finish the nursery because Genesis heart stopped. The story that I continued to finish the nursery because I vowed I'd be a mother to a living child some day. And how while I worked so hard to paint the mural of the weeping willow with the koi pond surrounded with dragonflies... My daughter sat in her urn in a drawer in this very room. The story of how I had not one or two.... But four beautiful rainbow babies to eventually use this nursery. And those babies grew and two of them are so big I can't even believe they are the same babies. And now that we are leaving this room.... This house, I'm now married to someone else and now a mother to 6 (4 here and 2 in paradise)... Our story is in these walls. Eventually someone will put a fresh coat of paint over this mural... But each and every brush stroke was filled with so many emotions. Hope, happiness, heartbreak, faith, fulfillment, longing, grief and gratefulness. I can't help but feel I'm leaving a piece of my heart here. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Sunday, August 14, 2016


I went to Genesis' garden last Friday and was surprised to find that parts of the garden were damaged and defaced. 

I'm not sure who to report it to. I see if I can contact the city or someone. Also if you notice in the top photo, there is a broken piece of time on the floor. I decided to keep that little piece. That way I have a little piece of her special place with me always. 

I lost another piece of her

Well I guess I didn't lose it. But it's gone. I had bought a nursery set that included bedding, pillows, window shams, Landry hamper and so much more, for Genesis' nursery. Dragonfly themed of course. Now that pretty much all my babies are grown up, aside from N, and plus with the move we need to get rid of a lot of stuff. Well, I sold it. I had to. It was bitter sweet. Here is one last photo of the nursery set. 
Sigh. Well, I guess I'm not losing more of her. Just more of the tangible items that were part of her story or history. But it's served me well... 4 rainbow babies and 9 years later. Though pieces may be gone I'll never forget her or our story.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A wink and a move

We are moving. It was unexpected. It's not ideal. And I'm stressed beyond words. But, I'm choosing to see it as a new chapter and a new beginning. But moving has left me with a mixture of emotions. 

This was the house she was conceived in. The house where she grew in my belly for almost 5 1/2 months. The house that had the nursery that I prepared for her. The same nursery that all my rainbows used. I worked for days, if not weeks, painting that mural. I get signs from her all the time here. I feel her presence. I know the rainbows saw her here when they were babies as they would always be staring off in the distance and smiling at something.... Someone. 

I was worried that leaving this house would be leaving her. I know it probably sounds irrational. But it def was a thought and perhaps a small concern that has popped in my head since I found out we would have to move. 

Well just now I got a wink from Genesis. Since we are moving I have been selling a ton of things online. There is an app called Offer Up that I have been using to get rid of things. Someone just messaged me. Take a look:
Did you see it? The persons name who messaged me is named Genesis. When I went to her profile it shows when she became a user. March. Of all months it could have been... It's March. This is def a sign from her. She's letting me know not to worry. She knows what's going on. She is going with us. She will always be with me. I feel a sense of peace knowing that. Her winks always take my breath away. Thank you baby girl.
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