Wednesday, July 29, 2015

8 years ago today...

Monday, July 13, 2015

She hit another milestone

And on the heels of my previous post... Today I hit a new milestone with N. Genesis was born at 20w 5d and today I'm 20w 6d. 

What are the odds?

I have a next door neighbor who was pregnant before my pregnancy with N. I had overheard her husband talking to another neighbor saying they were expecting a girl and I think I heard they were due in June. Well June came and went I had not seen a newborn. I got worried that something happened but I don't really know them and didn't really feel comfortable asking when we have never spoken before.

My husband and her husband would chat from time to time so this weekend they had the opportunity to chat and Marlon brought it up and asked. The husband confirmed that they lost the baby. He didn't really share much more than that. But hearing that devastated me for them.So so terrible. I felt the need to reach out to her, but had conflicting emotions. Ive never talked to her in the past before and didn't even know her name, so how was I supposed to just out of the blue show up at her doorstep and talk about something so personal? And then there is the fact that Im pregnant, with a girl no less, and I don't really want to parade that in front of her. 

So I actually found out through my parents that her name is Abby. My mom had shared with me that she was 18 weeks when she lost the baby. The first thing I thought of was that it was very close to when Genesis died. But now that I knew her name, I wanted to put a little something together and I felt better about it since now I could address it to her personally.

I didn't really have much to offer her but I put a few things together. This is what I came up with.

In a little baggie I included two lovely clay ornaments made my a BLM I know in Australia. One says 'love' with a pink butterfly and the other is a clay butterfly and I added some wire wrapped amethyst and a pink heart. I also included a pink candle, a small pink pouch and a golden glitter butterfly. I also included one of Carly's beautiful photos that I received at the Walk To Remember a couple years back when I met her for the first time. I also included one of my hand made memory stones. I usually like to personalize these with the baby's name but I didn't know what she named her daughter, or if she even named her. I was happy with how the stone turned out though. I was able to include some special words and a short phrase, along with the year and something new I just decided to try on the spur. I added a small pair of footprints on the side of the stone and it came out beautiful, if I do say so myself.

I also wrote a note to her, which ended up being about a page long. I shared my condolences, a little about my story and Carly's site for personalized names in the sand. I also shared a beautiful quote that has always stuck with me: "When a baby is born it's the mother's instinct to protect it. When a baby dies, it's the mother's instinct to protect it's memory." I told her that I hope this doesn't hurt or offend her as everyone deals with these things differently and just in case she didn't see things the way I do, thats ok. My intentions are to just share love and support. I ended the letter saying that this baby will always be her daughter and will always be with her. 

So I sealed the letter with a cute little sticker and hoped that this would be enough... or even not too much if it's something she dealt with differently. I knew there was a slight chance I might be opening an old wound, or perhaps she would not respond favorably but I was just compelled to do it anyway. To just reach out, do what my heart told me to and hope for the best. And if she didn't like it, apologize and leave her alone and know that I meant well.

So this morning I wrapped up the little items in some tissue paper and I had D leave it at their mailbox. In case she was home, I didn't want to have her see a pregnant woman at her doorstep. So I decided quietly dropping it off was the best thing to do.

Well this evening Abby appeared at my door and came to thank me personally. She was composed and didn't really seem emotional about it, which there is nothing wrong with that. The minute I saw her I knew why she was there and that loss that connected us instantly made me start to tear up. I was surprised at how much I cried. I certainly hope I didn't make her feel uncomfortable. The more she shared the more in shock I was.

She went on to tell me that her daughter passed at 20 weeks. I commented that It was a stillbirth then. She told me that her daughter's head didn't close. I was shocked... I asked, you mean anencephaly? She said yes. Instantly the flood gate of tears flowed from my eyes. I told her Genesis passed away from that too. I was almost 21 weeks. She also chose to induce and not carry to term. She told me that her name was Isabella. And that Isabella was born in March. Can you believe that? But wait... her due date is actually coming up. She wasn't due in June... Her due date was July 30th. My EDD with Genesis was July 29th. As all these details came out I kept crying. Bawling in fact. I was embarrassed but just couldn't contain it. I have met a lot of BLMs throughout the years, all over the world. And no one has had a story almost exact as mine. 

We chatted some more and I told her I always thought there might have been a link with a medication I was given for migraines and anencephaly but Ill never really know for sure. She asked more questions as she gets migraines too. She's about the same age as me too and has been taking extra folic acid just as I have had to as well. She is TTC again and in currently in the two week wait. I pray she gets her rainbow very soon. This would have been her first daughter and second child. She very much wanted a girl. We shared many of the same emotions and views. I had to apologize over and over for the tears. My hormones are not helping me in the least right now. She was very understanding. And she was actually very compassionate, realizing that even though our stories were so much alike, she still had a son to take care of after the loss of her daughter. She acknowledged how much harder it must have been for me losing my first and trying to convince the world I was still a parent. She she knew why I see things and feel things the way I do. 

All in all, she is a very sweet lady. I hope this is the start of a beautiful friendship. And I hope I don't cry every time we talk about our girls. d

Thursday, July 9, 2015

The picture I have always wanted

I have been pregnant quite a few times. And with that, I can ask say I have had quite a few ultrasounds through the years. I have always seen these picture perfect ultrasounds of the baby's profile on the Internet and had always longed to get one of my kids. Unfortunately I have never been able to get one. Usually due to the baby's position or the placenta being in the way. One time I think they said I was dehydrated and couldn't get a clear picture. It was just always something. 

Well at my appointment earlier this week at Dr.Devore's office, I mentioned he took a horrible photo. But what I didn't mention is that in addition to the photo his office always gives you a dvd of the entire ultrasound. I was watching the ultrasound at home and was able to take a screenshot at just the perfect moment. And then of course I had to add a little rainbow touch to it haha! 

I finally got the ultrasound I always wanted. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

Goodbye Dr. Devore

Once again I had to go to this dreaded place. I woke up anxious and just so nervous. Thank goodness I made the appointment for first thing in the morning so these feelings didn't have to linger all day. 

I felt N kicking all morning, on the drive there and even while waiting for the Dr to enter my room... Yet I have this irrational fear of ultrasounds that as soon as the image comes on the screen that little heard will not be beating. Sigh. I had anxiety attacks all morning and was sick to my stomach over this. 

Thankfully N looks wonderful! Perfectly healthy and apparently she is tall! One thing however I did not appreciate was that for my last two pregnancies they have told me they wild like to do both an abdominal ultrasound and vaginal. I have always declined vaginal without any problem. However today when I did so the Dr asked me why and then proceeded to lecture me as to why he does it. I guess he was expecting me to change my mind after his explanation however I still kindly refused. He left the room a littl abruptly and not so nice not even saying goodbye like always. The one photo he did get for me was awful. He didn't care about the quality of the image, just pushed print to say he gave me something. I hate that. 

Anyway here is that photo:
It's N's face and her little hand is up by her forehead. I have no idea if you can even tell.

Oh well. On to an even bigger milestone. I WILL NEVER HAVE TO SET FOOT IN THAT OFFICE EVER AGAIN. Being that this will be our last child, I do not anticipate ever having to go through this emotional roller coaster ever again. I'm thrilled over that aspect. But it begins a list of "lasts" that inevitably comes with having your last child. 

Sunday, July 5, 2015

A rainbow pregnancy

A rainbow pregnancy is a lot of things. Of course it's a time of joy and hope. But it's also a time of fears. Many many fears. I'm sure any BLM who has had a rainbow can agree.

There is a milestone of small accomplishments that start right from the beginning. First seeing that positive test. Then hoping the test gets darker. Then the missed period. Then making to the first appointment and seeing the heartbeat. For me what follows is making sure each appointment a heartbeat is found. Testing all clear for neural tube defects. And then of course making it to term, labor, birth and beyond.

Of course there are a million fears all through each of those milestones. We have all asked ourselves these questions. 

How come I'm not nauseous? I hope the baby is ok.

Ugh I'm so so sick... I hope the baby is ok.

In the event you get injured, you wonder if anything happened to the baby.

I can't find the heartbeat on the Doppler, I hope the baby is ok. 

I haven't felt any kicks today... Or not as often, I hope the baby is ok.

The baby is so active, I hope it's ok. 

As you can see its one thing or another. Always.

I hear so many false theories, some even my OB has said that just make me shake my head. 

I've heard the sicker you are with nausea the healthier the baby is. NOT TRUE. I was the sickest with Genesis and obviously she was not well. Likewise with G I didn't have one day of morning sickness and she was perfectly fine. So you just can't base it off that. 

Sigh.

At the end of the day of you are really concerned, all your OB. Issues with movement, I would just go in and get checked out. But as far as old wives tales... Try not to pay them any mind. Do what brings you comfort and what will get you through each day. 

For me I'm currently dealing with concerned with days with less movement. I realize I'm probably just not paying attention and don't feel those little kicks but it still worries me. What brings me comfort is my Doppler. Nothing helps me breath easy better than hearing that little heartbeat.
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