Tuesday, June 30, 2015

A sigh of relief and remembering Exodus

Today I had an OB appointment. And just like last time, my doctor could not find the heartbeat on the doppler and had to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. I always do my own doppler at home before every appointment so that I don't stress for nothing when something like this happens. So I knew everything was ok, plus I felt her kicking earlier this morning.

I got these lovely photos and confirmed everything was fine. N is measuring right on track. The doctor did mention that she is currently laying traverse aka on her side. If she is laying like this upon delivery it will mean a c section. However we still have many months to go and its unlikely that she will not move over the course of the next few months. So here is hoping she does move by November. 

In other news, I got the results of the AFP or second trimester screening back today. It came back negative which means there is a very low risk that any NTD (neural tube defect) has occurred. So we can breathe a big sigh of relief knowing she didn't get Anencephaly like Genesis. It sucks that I have to go half way through a pregnancy before I know if this baby will live or die from this condition. Of course even with this great news I still worry that something else may happen, but I do feel a little bit more comfortable at this point assuming that she is more likely to come home with us.

In random pregnancy related stuff: There have been quite a few times where I have felt this baby kick and move and my first thought is that its Genesis. I have no idea why this is happening. And I quickly correct myself and say no, this is N. This never happened with any of the other rainbows even G my only other girl rainbow. I have always felt that N and Genesis were connected somehow. Im not sure how. Maybe because Genesis is the first and N will be our last. There is a feeling of coming full circle. Im just speculating but I honestly have no idea. 

I also wanted to share that Ive been thinking more and more about Exodus. Again, I'm not sure why. But it brought tears to my eyes more than once in the last few days. Im sure the pregnancy hormones do not help.

I recently ordered my first photo from Carly that included Exodus. Its one of my favorites.


I also have been ordering sculptures from Dana at The Midnight Orange for a few years now. She has been able to make important family sculptures for me through the years. And as my family has changed and grown, so have the sculptures. I am thrilled to be able to share with you the final installment of my family sculpture.
We have of course Marlon and I on each end. Then in the middle we have our 4 rainbows, D, G, D2 and N. (of course I thought it might be a little premature to get this since N isn't here yet and what if something happens.... but I went ahead and ordered it anyway)Then on my lap is Genesis and on Marlon's lap is Exodus. 

The rainbows saw this sculpture and thought it was beautiful. They started naming each person in the sculpture and then they came to the extra baby. They wanted to know who that was. And for the first time I explained it to them. I had to explain it to them in a way that children would understand. I mean one day they will know what a miscarriage is but for now I will need to make it simple for them. So I simply told them that before D2 was in my belly there was another baby. This baby was only here for a very very short time. When a baby starts growing in a mommy's tummy it starts out as a little seed that grows into a baby with arms and legs and then gets bigger and bigger until its born. But with this baby it only stayed as a seen and died before it could grow. She was different than Genesis because Genesis was bigger and I got to hold her and we have a photo of her. But with baby we don't have any of that because she died so little. I told them this was a baby girl, and her name was Exodus. The first thing they asked was if they will see Exodus in the new system with Genesis. I said they probably will. And they were fine with that and then continued playing. The other day D came up to me and told me we have a family of 8 and included Exodus. That made me smile. But I won't be upset if they don't mention Exodus. Im still struggling with my feelings on this. 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Here we go again

It's time to take this terrible test again. 

Don't get me wrong, I think the testing is great. I'm just scared every single time it's time to take this test. This was the beginning of the end for Genesis. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A new look

The blog has had a little change thanks to Fran at Small Bird Studios. This is why my header looked like before:
And here is after the update:
It's about time I signified the rainbows I have had after the storm.

I'm not sure if I have gone into detail about the header.  The clouds and the crystal raindrops obviously signify the storm of losing Genesis. The flowers are dandelions and Chinese magnolia. Dandelions have always been a figurative representation of child loss to me. So delecate... Here one minute, and gone the next. And Chinese magnolias have ways been a favorite of mine. Dragonflies because that was what her nursery was decorated with and so I always associated them with her... Although over time Genesis has shown me that hummingbirds are her thing. Maybe one day I'll add one to the blog, we will see. Also among the clouds you will see two clouds that have text placed behind the fluffy clouds. I made those myself. They are photo copies of my bible. One is Genesis 3:16 (her birthday) which coincidentally speaks of childbirth and the other is a scripture which speaks of the paradise hope I have for seeing Genesis again. The "i" in her name, as well as the background for the blog is her birthstone, aquamarine. The weeping willow has always been one of my favorite trees and just seemed appropriate for her blog. And of course a photo of her sweet little feet. And her name as it appears on the blog header is exactly the tattoo I have on my left thigh. 

So there you have the story behind my header.

Dreams really do come true

At 11 weeks our OB had a great shot of the baby's goods and took a gender guess. Being that it was early we didn't really believe it 100%. At Dr. Devore's appointment he also had a guess. The same guess. So now two different doctors with two different types of ultrasounds have had the same guess. We were getting more confident in the gender but it was still a tad early.

Well today I got confirmation that this baby is 100% a baby GIRL! We have a name already but as always I keep all my rainbows names private on this blog. From here on moving forward rainbow #4 will now be referred to as N. 
I cannot tell you how thrilled I am. I don't know what I did to be so lucky in life. To have everything I've ever wanted and dreamed of and more. I am truly blessed. After Genesis died I wanted a baby to raise. I got that. I then longed for the ability to not only have children, but also a living daughter. I got that as well. Then my only dream that had yet to be fulfilled was the opportunity to be able to raise daughters. And now, well now I have yet another little girl. I am beside myself with gratitude. 

Of course I am just over the moon excited. I am still cautious though and have yet to fully accept that nothing will happen this pregnancy. I still have about 6 months to go and a lot can happen until then. I continue to pray that everything goes well and that N is born healthy. 
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