Wednesday, May 27, 2015

My view on bringing home a rainbow

I came across this article today on Facebook. I think its especially true for a BLM who has just had her first rainbow. But I do still relate to many of the points on there even after 3 rainbows, going on a 4th. 

I have sort of a ritual, if you will, after I have a rainbow baby. Of course I have my previous rainbows meet the newest addition, but really aside from that I really do not like visitors. I know its sort of expected so I tolerate a short visit at the hospital, but once I am home I do not like anyone coming over. Bringing home a new baby, even if its not the first, is a sacred experience. This is a new human to the world, to our family and we are all figuring out our new place in this family. All feeling out this adjustment. And as a mother and baby we are both getting to know each other and find our natural rhythm to breastfeeding. 

This is a very emotional time. Not only is there joy and excitement and a feeling of accomplishment, but this also triggers (at least for me) grief and sadness. I take a look at our new family and it becomes even more apparent that we are still missing Genesis. I wonder how she would be as a big sister. How she will react and adjust to life with a brother/sister. How she would be helping out as an older child. It's quite the mixture of emotions.

Just because I have living children, or children that are older, or just because I have done this many times doesn't mean I don't still feel anxious or have moments where fear creeps in. I still check and recheck if baby is breathing when he/she is sleeping. I check on baby all the time. This is one of many reasons co sleeping has worked out amazing for our family. Im especially vigilant from birth till about 6 months because I know too many moms that have had a child die of SIDS. And it doesn't go away for me as the baby gets bigger... just other worries come up. I worry about choking as they start solids. I worry about them falling and getting very hurt when they start walking. Its not till my rainbow is about 18 months to 2 years old that I actually believe they are here to stay. 

I still miss Genesis. Ive said it a million times before and it still holds true: Children do not replace children. I could have 100 kids and I will always miss Genesis. 

I have a hard time trusting or letting anyone else hold my baby. I didn't know that this was a BLM thing until I read the above article. I thought it was just me. But I definitely do have a problem with allowing others to hold my baby, especially as a newborn. I can't exactly even describe why but its how I feel. I even feel like this when someone else has had a baby (even not a rainbow). I don't like to hold them. I feel like its too sacred and I don't want to take that away from the mother. Even if she insists it just makes me feel uncomfortable. 

So know that the way I react,the way I feel and the views I have after having a baby have nothing to do with you or anyone else... and has everything to do with my life's experiences. Allow me to honor my feelings.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The fears of a BLM

The fear and anxiety a BLM has with a rainbow pregnancy doesn't go away after you have your first rainbow. Or second. Or third. Or in my case, forth.

I think I may be more nervous now than ever before. I am feeling some very light flutters here and there. Nothing consistent. Thank goodness for my Doppler. I use it every few days to calm my nerves that baby is ok.

But I'm still worried something is wrong. And I know the classic line "every pregnancy is different"... Trust me, having been pregnant this many times I know. But I'm still worried. 

I tend to show pretty early with my pregnancies. By 19 weeks most people are saying things like "oh you must be due any day now." I'm nervous because I'm 14 weeks now and I'm hardly showing. I've gained more weight that is like to admit, so I know things are progressing. But Im in that weird stage where you look chubby not pregnant. I think maybe with this one I am carrying differ my. With the last 3 rainbows I carried them like basketballs. Just really round balls right in front. It was oy with Genesis that I seemed to carry more side to side. I'm thinking perhaps that's what's happening this time too. It's still a bit early to know for sure. I also think I'm carrying more internally. Like instead of crowing outward and giving me that ball shape, I feel maybe baby might be more inside, if that makes sense. But of course being the worrier I am, I worry it's some sort of growth restriction or low amniotic fluid or something. At my past ultrasounds I was told everything looks good. I'm not so sure. And even using my Doppler is different this time. The heartbeat is found way down low near my pubic bone. I have no idea if this is all normal for a 5th pregnancy. But it's definitely making me worry. 

The above photo is a picture of my belly how. The photo below is from my wedding and I was 13 weeks pregnant. 
As you can see I was much bigger at my wedding than I am now, even though I'm further along now. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The child I never counted

I have said this before.... I never really counted my chemical pregnancy as a baby. I think it was because it went away as fast as it came. I got two very faint positives by testing early (before a missed period). Those tests were so light you had to squint, have the right lighting... And even then I had to adjust the photos a bit to be able to actually see something there (click here to see the post with photos from those positive tests). I know for a fact they were not evaporated lines as they did come up right away. At any rate, I got positive tests... And of all days it was Mother's Day 2013. The day my period was due I woke up to no period. My period usually arrives in the early morning hours so no period only confirmed I was with child. But a few hours later while I was at work my period arrived. Disappointment. I questioned weather or not I was actually ever pregnant. I have struggled with feelings of guilt because I know quite a few other women who have had chemical pregnancies and they very much identified them as babies. And I just didn't see it like that. 

I had previously blogged that I talked to a medium and I was curious if I had really had a chemical pregnancy and asked if she could tell the gender. She very quickly told me "girl", and that was that. Nothing more to elaborate on. And of course we all know that readings should be taken as "entertainment" so I sort of just shrugged it off and kept my same viewpoint. 

A few months ago prior to ttc this time around, I had a dream that I gave birth to a little girl who was stillborn (you can read that post here). She appeared to be full term. I was holding her and she was already gone. In my dream I named her Exodus. I was worried that this dream might actually mean something. That I was going to have another stillborn child. I thought the name was interesting because it wasn't a name that I had ever considered before. But again, it was just a dream and I brushed it off. 

Two days ago I crossed paths with a lady who turned out to be very intuitive and had the abilities of a medium, though she didn't really consider herself one as she wasn't doing it as a business or anything. But she recognized she has abilities. I had asked her something relating to Rainbow#4 and was ready to say thank you and goodbye when she said she was getting more information. She told me that she sees I have/had 6 children. I was like well I have 5 if you count this pregnancy... Oh and a chemical pregnancy. She said yes, I see the baby from your chemical pregnancy. A girl. She is with you. She is not alone, she is with her sister. She said the two of them were sitting on an older lady's lap. I'm guessing Abilla. But then she told me that the baby told her what her name was. And she asked me if I had named that chemical pregnancy. I said no. She said it sounds like she's saying her name is Alexis. Immediately I knew she meant Exodus. If someone were whispering that name it could totally sound like Alexis. I told the media about my dream from mhm ago  and she said yes, that's it. Exodus. That's her name. I was and still am in shock. I feel like my view has changed a bit. I'm still confused and not sure how to process all this. But I do know that I want to acknowledge that baby moving forward as Exodus. I don't know that I would identify as 6 kids publicly though. It's still certainly different for me than recognizing Genesis. In not even sure I can explain how. But I wanted to come here to not only document everything but also to formally introduce Exodus De Leon. To think, she would be a month older than D2. Wow.

Friday, May 15, 2015

And I'm back

I had my first appointment with Dr. Devore. It wasn't the big appointment to make sure the baby didn't have anencephaly. This appointment was to scan for any signs of Downs. 
Yup. I was sitting in this same horrible waiting room once again. I've done this so many times you would think that I'd be used to it by now. Nope. Not the case at all. This place gives me anxiety just thinking about it. 

As I was waiting in my room I looked up at the monitor wondering what news it was going to share in the next few minutes. My heart was beating out of my chest.
To my shock Dr. Devore walked in to preform my ultrasound. With all my other rainbows it has always been another doctor, I always thought one of his aons, or at least someone else helping him with his practice. But no, this time it was actually him. I haven't seen him in over 8 years. The last time I saw him he told me Genesis was going to die. I cannot tell you the panic that went through my mind. To make matters worse Marlon could not be there with me. So I had to deal with all this on my own. 

Then he started the scan. I got to see my precious rainbow. 
And I even got some 4d pictures too.
By the end of the scan he told me everything looked good and there weren't any red flags or indicators. We are just waiting for an official result from the state. They will take the ultrasound into consideration and a blood draw I did a few weeks ago. I feel good about this test.

I also think the risk of anencephaly is low because as you can see the head looks quite round, so that's comforting.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

This Mother's Day has brought out a lot of memories and emotions. Not just today but the weeks leading up to today.

I have fond memories of Mother's Day 2010. G my first living daughter was born 2 days before and we were able to go home on Mother's Day. It was such a gift. 

I also found myself going back to when Genesis was born. And how I went to visit her at the mortuary a few days later. And my regrets for not taking pictures of her. I also regret not taking pictures WITH her. I have photos of me holding each of my rainbows right after birth. How I wish I had a photo of me holding Genesis. Sigh.

Today I also find myself thinking of Abilla. I miss her dearly. It's not that she was a mother to me... But I loved her like she was my mother. The love we had was so strong. 

And then of course the thoughts of my own mother. If you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationship. Mostly I blog about her lack of support in remembering Genesis. But it's so much more than that. I suppose I read a trigger online today that said something along the lines of "I play the part of supporting my friends who complain about fighting with their mothers... But I would give my right arm to be able to fight with mine." I don't know the context, perhaps their mother has departed and I totally understand that. But this did have an impact on me. So forgive me if I don't have a great relationship with my mom. Forgive me if I don't wish her a happy Mother's Day. 

Maybe it's all the little things, like her lack of support in keeping Genesis memory alive. Or the nasty insults she's told me over the years. Perhaps it's because she blames me for most if not all her problems. Maybe it was all the times I was beat at a child. Maybe it was that I was haunted by nightmares of her up until my mid 20's. I suppose it could be bigger things like how she made me lose my job and encouraged me to live on welfare. Or maybe it was the time I was pregnant with D and she threw a glass at my head. Or perhaps it was when I was pregnant with G and she punched me in the stomach and spit in my face..... (That spit hurt more than anything physical she had ever done to me. A few weeks ago I had a flashback of that evening and it left me sitting in my car sobbing) Or the constant lies she has told me. Maybe it's the fact that each suicide attempt she has made she blames me for it somehow. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So please forgive me if I don't put this woman on a pedestal and give her praise. 
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