Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I was driving home from picking up D from school and my husband told me to look to my right and look what I see.
Yup. Totally a wink.

Sunday, January 25, 2015


I am so appreciative. Appreciative of the big and small. From my view right now:
To the very large things like these two rainbows:
And of course the other rainbow not pictured. 

I'm just sitting here taking in the view and pondering life... And listening to the hummingbirds chirp. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

She should be here

I'm reminded everyday of this. Sigh... As I was entering G's school today when I went to pick her up a few girls were leaving and one yelled to the other "bye Genesis!"... Made my heart stop for a moment 💔 and I saw this on the wall.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A morning wink

Waiting at G's school this morning I saw a truck drive by with the company name "Genesis Dispatch Inc" on it. Definitely a wink. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

What's missing in this photo

The empty swing is so painfully obvious to me. It feels like the rest of the world doesn't even notice. Doesn't even bat an eyelash. But it represents so much. What should have been.

It didn't help that there was a fellow parent at the park who started to talk to me about the kids and their ages. He asked how far apart in age the bigger two were and it made me think of how far apart Genesis and D were/are. I wanted to mention her but it would be too awkward. Then this parent said "oh you should have one more... A girl to even it out." If he only knew. I just smiled and laughed. But it hit a soft spot. 


Got a little wink at the end of watching Big Hero 6 last night.

Sunday, January 18, 2015


I had a dream last night and I don't recall all the details. I remember there was a hummingbird and I knew that hummingbird represented Genesis. So that of course brought me comfort.

In other news it always triggers all sorts of emotions when I see any of the rainbows playing with toys that were meant for Genesis. Today it was G who was playing with a doll that I had made just after Genesis died. So while I planned to get it before she died, I actually got it afterwards in the hopes I would have a daughter one day who would play with this. It still reminds me of Genesis though. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Some AMAZING news!

As I look back on my blog I don't think I formally mentioned when my husband and I got married. We got married 8/11/2013. What would have been Abilla's birthday. It was our way of having her at the wedding.  We also included Genesis in a couple different ways.

First, of course, I wore my Genesis bracelet. And my husband wore clover cufflinks since clovers remind me of her. I thought it was really touching that he wanted to do something too. I doubt anyone really noticed, but we did it for ourselves. And mostly for her.

And lastly we included her by having a balloon there that represented her. Of course D2 was in my belly here. So in a way all 4 of the kids were with us on this amazing day. The reason I bring this is up that as many of you know Marlon isn't D or G's biological father. My ex husband is. We knew that Marlon was going to adopt my kids one day but didn't know when as it is a very costly process and it takes a very long time from what we were told.

Well, we were blessed to have been gifted the funds to start the process of the stepparent adoption by my mother. We started the process last June and we were told it would take about a year to complete. We wanted to do this ASAP as we wanted Marlon to have all the rights as the kids legal father in the event something happened to me. You just never know what will happen. So we wanted to take care of this right away.

Well after jumping through hoops for months we finally have a final hearing date set for the end of the month! 
That's right! By the end of the month we will all have the same last name and Marlon will legally be their father. I cannot tell you how happy we are. The kids have been asking about this for a very long time. And I am thrilled to be able to give this to them so soon. 

As the news hit me about this happening, I realized it was an end of an era. The era with my ex husband. Sure we had gone our separate ways long ago. We had cut 99% of ties but this one thing always kept us connected. I hated it. It's the first time that I will be rid of him completely in over 10 years. Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and truly the beginning of the rest of our lives together. The more I thought about it though, I realized if Genesis were here this would have been her big day too. Genesis Magali De Leon. Saying that name, saying it out loud brings tears to my eyes. She should be here for this. Im sure she would be just as excited about it as the rainbows are. We are planning a party to celebrate as well. Complete with bounce house and cake. I had planned to put 4 candles on the cake to represent the 4 De Leon kids. This is my way of incorporating her into our celebration. Sigh. Such a happy event but again I just wish she were here to celebrate as well. Her 8th birthday is also quickly approaching which makes me a bit sadder too. Sigh. 

What should have been.

Which also makes we wish we could change her last name from Lopez to De Leon on the stone in Garfield Park. But I doubt that is possible.

Friday, January 9, 2015

A good sign

This rainbow appered while face timing my husband the other day. I know it's how the light reflects on the camera, but I felt I was supposed to see it and it made me happy. I believe good things are in store for us.

This scares me

This quote right here. It scares me to my very core because I know it to be true. I fear Genesis memory will die with me. And even if her siblings remember her I feel it will be lost with the next generation. I mean I guess that's what happens. I personally don't know about anyone before my great grandma. I have heard no stories. Know no names. So I guess it's just something that happens weather you die young or old. But I still don't like it. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

A little project

I made this little graphic to help explain certain BLM terms. I made mine with the term shooting star baby instead of angel baby as I never really connected to that phrase. Feel free to use and share. I have also added it to the side bar to the left. 

A huge weight has been lifted

I recently found out my brother in law and his fiancé are having a boy. If you recall from my prior post I was already having an anxiety attach about it possibly being a girl and all that I would have to deal with if it was (of course I realize this is my own issue and no one else). I cannot tell you how much of a relief it is that it is a boy. Unless you are a loss mom you won't get it. Im just glad this is one less worry for me. And I continue to pray that everything goes smoothly for her. If I am correct with my calculations she is about 20-21 weeks right now. Right about the time I delivered Genesis.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

I know when Genesis will come back

That's what D told me today during lunch.

We believe that God will bring back Genesis in the new system (and nowadays they call it the new world but I prefer the old terminology) and that's when we will get to see her again. The kids have always asked when this was going to happen and I always told them the same thing. No one knows. Only God knows. But He never breaks his promise so you can be sure He will make it happen when He is ready. 

Well today D and I had this conversation

D: Mommy, I know when Genesis is coming back?
Me: You mean when she comes back in the new system?
D: Yes.
Me: Oh yeah? When?
D: January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, Novevber, December.... 10 times.
Me: In 10 years?
D: No. On her 10 year birthday. 
Me: You really think so? She will be 8 this year.
D: Yes so we are almost there.

I had to explain that maybe he was right but maybe not. And to not be disappointed if it doesn't happen when he thinks it will. This boy is so very sweet and ways thinking of his big sister.
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