Sunday, December 20, 2015

Exodus

One of my sisters is going through IVF and she just did a transfer yesterday. She sent me a photo of the two blastocysts they transferred. In 8 days she should know if they implanted. 

It got me thinking. A blastocyst is a baby. It's on a cellular level yes... But the beginning of a baby. A human. We all once were balls of cells. And yet no one denies our existence as "real people". 

I instantly thought of Exodus. I found out 2 days before my missed period I was pregnant with her. So that put me approximately at 12 dpo (days past ovulation). 2 days later I miscarried her when my period arrived on time (at 14 dpo). So at 12-14 dpo I would assume at very best Exodus was a blastocyst. 

I've said it before that I struggle with my feelings with losing Exodus. I acknowledge her as my child but it's hard to do so publicly when she was just a ball of cells. I do believe I'm a mother at conception but why can't I get past the fact she didn't look like a baby? Like I said... Conflicting and even contradicting thoughts I still struggle with. 

But it this just let me expand a bit more oh who Exodus was and helped me connect to her a bit more. 

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