Monday, September 28, 2015

An overdue update

My apologies in not writing more often these days. As you can imagine things are pretty crazy raising 3 rainbows and expecting another. 

Not too much to report. N is doing good so far. We are almost at the finish line. Not too much longer to go. As this pregnancy progresses I have more and more fears about the unknown. Like how labor and delivery will go. I fear complications.

The BLM fear is still very much here. Everyday I diligently do my kick counts at least 3 times a day or also if there are any moments I realize I have not felt her move in a while. She takes these long naps sometimes, 3+ hours, where I don't feel her and it really scares me. But this seems to be her normal. Everyday I wake up and the clock resets so to speak. Where my fear renews each day and I wonder if this will be the day I don't feel her move. The day something happens. I can picture myself saying "oh... I only made it to ____ weeks this time..." I have already had a first and second trimester loss, I fear the one I have not experienced yet... third trimester loss. Sigh. I find that I am excited to have N be born but I also feel like I have not allowed myself to fully bond. I mean I have bonded but not 100%. I think the fear is holding me back. Even though I am getting so close I still have trouble picturing bringing her home and being a family of 6. Its almost like an unattainable dream. I don't recall being like this with my last rainbow... then again I don't really recall a whole lot. That time goes by so fast. Well, here is continuing to have faith and hoping for the best.

As a side note, I really have not dreamt much about N this pregnancy. But in the last week or so I had two dreams about her. I saw her as a dark little baby just like G was in one dream but then in another I saw her as a light baby just like D. I really wonder who she will look like. At least she was born full term and healthy in my dreams.

In other news, I was re-reading some old blog posts and I have really seen myself evolved over time. My thought process has changed, my triggers have changed, my outlook has changed. I mean it makes sense... but its just interesting to see it in print change throughout the years. 

Anyway, Im glad I have this special place to reflect on all my thoughts regarding this lifelong journey.


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