Thursday, May 21, 2015

The child I never counted

I have said this before.... I never really counted my chemical pregnancy as a baby. I think it was because it went away as fast as it came. I got two very faint positives by testing early (before a missed period). Those tests were so light you had to squint, have the right lighting... And even then I had to adjust the photos a bit to be able to actually see something there (click here to see the post with photos from those positive tests). I know for a fact they were not evaporated lines as they did come up right away. At any rate, I got positive tests... And of all days it was Mother's Day 2013. The day my period was due I woke up to no period. My period usually arrives in the early morning hours so no period only confirmed I was with child. But a few hours later while I was at work my period arrived. Disappointment. I questioned weather or not I was actually ever pregnant. I have struggled with feelings of guilt because I know quite a few other women who have had chemical pregnancies and they very much identified them as babies. And I just didn't see it like that. 

I had previously blogged that I talked to a medium and I was curious if I had really had a chemical pregnancy and asked if she could tell the gender. She very quickly told me "girl", and that was that. Nothing more to elaborate on. And of course we all know that readings should be taken as "entertainment" so I sort of just shrugged it off and kept my same viewpoint. 

A few months ago prior to ttc this time around, I had a dream that I gave birth to a little girl who was stillborn (you can read that post here). She appeared to be full term. I was holding her and she was already gone. In my dream I named her Exodus. I was worried that this dream might actually mean something. That I was going to have another stillborn child. I thought the name was interesting because it wasn't a name that I had ever considered before. But again, it was just a dream and I brushed it off. 

Two days ago I crossed paths with a lady who turned out to be very intuitive and had the abilities of a medium, though she didn't really consider herself one as she wasn't doing it as a business or anything. But she recognized she has abilities. I had asked her something relating to Rainbow#4 and was ready to say thank you and goodbye when she said she was getting more information. She told me that she sees I have/had 6 children. I was like well I have 5 if you count this pregnancy... Oh and a chemical pregnancy. She said yes, I see the baby from your chemical pregnancy. A girl. She is with you. She is not alone, she is with her sister. She said the two of them were sitting on an older lady's lap. I'm guessing Abilla. But then she told me that the baby told her what her name was. And she asked me if I had named that chemical pregnancy. I said no. She said it sounds like she's saying her name is Alexis. Immediately I knew she meant Exodus. If someone were whispering that name it could totally sound like Alexis. I told the media about my dream from mhm ago  and she said yes, that's it. Exodus. That's her name. I was and still am in shock. I feel like my view has changed a bit. I'm still confused and not sure how to process all this. But I do know that I want to acknowledge that baby moving forward as Exodus. I don't know that I would identify as 6 kids publicly though. It's still certainly different for me than recognizing Genesis. In not even sure I can explain how. But I wanted to come here to not only document everything but also to formally introduce Exodus De Leon. To think, she would be a month older than D2. Wow.


Shauna said...

Some times just recognizing our babies by ourselves is all we can do--but it does mean something to us and them. As far as my extended family they only recognize my angel baby Janessa as their grandchild and some times I only include Janessa in the count of my children because I hate all the weird looks that people give me when I say that I count my 3 other miscarried babies as part of my children. So as far as the "world" is concerned I only have 7 children, but, in my heart I know and in my obituary when I die it will state that I have 10 children and that 4 of them proceeded me.
<3 Genesis & Exodus <3

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