Wednesday, May 27, 2015

My view on bringing home a rainbow

I came across this article today on Facebook. I think its especially true for a BLM who has just had her first rainbow. But I do still relate to many of the points on there even after 3 rainbows, going on a 4th. 

I have sort of a ritual, if you will, after I have a rainbow baby. Of course I have my previous rainbows meet the newest addition, but really aside from that I really do not like visitors. I know its sort of expected so I tolerate a short visit at the hospital, but once I am home I do not like anyone coming over. Bringing home a new baby, even if its not the first, is a sacred experience. This is a new human to the world, to our family and we are all figuring out our new place in this family. All feeling out this adjustment. And as a mother and baby we are both getting to know each other and find our natural rhythm to breastfeeding. 

This is a very emotional time. Not only is there joy and excitement and a feeling of accomplishment, but this also triggers (at least for me) grief and sadness. I take a look at our new family and it becomes even more apparent that we are still missing Genesis. I wonder how she would be as a big sister. How she will react and adjust to life with a brother/sister. How she would be helping out as an older child. It's quite the mixture of emotions.

Just because I have living children, or children that are older, or just because I have done this many times doesn't mean I don't still feel anxious or have moments where fear creeps in. I still check and recheck if baby is breathing when he/she is sleeping. I check on baby all the time. This is one of many reasons co sleeping has worked out amazing for our family. Im especially vigilant from birth till about 6 months because I know too many moms that have had a child die of SIDS. And it doesn't go away for me as the baby gets bigger... just other worries come up. I worry about choking as they start solids. I worry about them falling and getting very hurt when they start walking. Its not till my rainbow is about 18 months to 2 years old that I actually believe they are here to stay. 

I still miss Genesis. Ive said it a million times before and it still holds true: Children do not replace children. I could have 100 kids and I will always miss Genesis. 

I have a hard time trusting or letting anyone else hold my baby. I didn't know that this was a BLM thing until I read the above article. I thought it was just me. But I definitely do have a problem with allowing others to hold my baby, especially as a newborn. I can't exactly even describe why but its how I feel. I even feel like this when someone else has had a baby (even not a rainbow). I don't like to hold them. I feel like its too sacred and I don't want to take that away from the mother. Even if she insists it just makes me feel uncomfortable. 

So know that the way I react,the way I feel and the views I have after having a baby have nothing to do with you or anyone else... and has everything to do with my life's experiences. Allow me to honor my feelings.

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