Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

This Mother's Day has brought out a lot of memories and emotions. Not just today but the weeks leading up to today.

I have fond memories of Mother's Day 2010. G my first living daughter was born 2 days before and we were able to go home on Mother's Day. It was such a gift. 

I also found myself going back to when Genesis was born. And how I went to visit her at the mortuary a few days later. And my regrets for not taking pictures of her. I also regret not taking pictures WITH her. I have photos of me holding each of my rainbows right after birth. How I wish I had a photo of me holding Genesis. Sigh.

Today I also find myself thinking of Abilla. I miss her dearly. It's not that she was a mother to me... But I loved her like she was my mother. The love we had was so strong. 

And then of course the thoughts of my own mother. If you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationship. Mostly I blog about her lack of support in remembering Genesis. But it's so much more than that. I suppose I read a trigger online today that said something along the lines of "I play the part of supporting my friends who complain about fighting with their mothers... But I would give my right arm to be able to fight with mine." I don't know the context, perhaps their mother has departed and I totally understand that. But this did have an impact on me. So forgive me if I don't have a great relationship with my mom. Forgive me if I don't wish her a happy Mother's Day. 

Maybe it's all the little things, like her lack of support in keeping Genesis memory alive. Or the nasty insults she's told me over the years. Perhaps it's because she blames me for most if not all her problems. Maybe it was all the times I was beat at a child. Maybe it was that I was haunted by nightmares of her up until my mid 20's. I suppose it could be bigger things like how she made me lose my job and encouraged me to live on welfare. Or maybe it was the time I was pregnant with D and she threw a glass at my head. Or perhaps it was when I was pregnant with G and she punched me in the stomach and spit in my face..... (That spit hurt more than anything physical she had ever done to me. A few weeks ago I had a flashback of that evening and it left me sitting in my car sobbing) Or the constant lies she has told me. Maybe it's the fact that each suicide attempt she has made she blames me for it somehow. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. So please forgive me if I don't put this woman on a pedestal and give her praise. 

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