Wednesday, December 31, 2014

One last visit

We made an impromptu visit to Genesis' Garden today. G decided to leave flowers on Genesis' rock. I'm glad we are ending the year having visited her special place. And yet I have tears in my eyes during today's visit. So sad this is the only way all 4 of my children will be in a photo together. And that her 8th birthday is quickly approaching. I still cannot believe it's going to be 8 years. It both feels like yesterday and an eternity ago.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The past and the future

I came across this photo yesterday, and it had an impact on me.
What stuck with me was the later half... "The nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past". To me that took me to the Tiffany I was and the life I had prior to becoming a blm. I mean it's weird because I don't actually want to go back to that. 

I feel my experience has brought me so much wisdom and knowledge. It helped me grow up and open my eyes to the meaning of life. So it's a gift I have learned all this but it came with a hefty price. But I do reminisce about that old Tiffany... Ironically the younger me. Who would she be and what would she be like if none of that would have happened? We will never know. 

Anyway... The year is quickly ending. And in the blink of any eye 2015 will be here and so will Genesis 8th birthday. Wow. I can't believe it's been that long. 
Well here is hoping 2015 is magical, inspiring and full of rainbows.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Her name was spoken of

My husband told me that today his family asked about Genesis. They don't know a whole lot about her but his sister asked about her. It wasn't anything super deep but the fact that they brought it up touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. They will never know how much it means to me to have Genesis acknowledged. Remembered. And to have her name spoken. So for that, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Prayers Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

I had really been lacking with saying prayers and having the kids say prayers in the past. So I made a conscious effort to really try and do more of that. D has been especially good of reminding me.

Every night the kids pray for Jehovah to remember Genesis in His Book of Life, so that we can see her again in the new system. Of course they always include Abilla too. 

Tonight however, after the prayers I decided to elaborate on what prayer is for. When do we do it and so forth. I was trying to emphasize that it wasn't a wish list where we said "Give me this, I want that". Instead we would first pray because we are thankful for what we have. No matter how little we have, we still have more than others somewhere else. And for that we should be thankful. I also told them that they can ask for certain thing like courage, strength, hope and so forth. 

Then we had this conversation:

D: "But mommy, when we ask Jehovah for these things we can't hear him answer us." 
Me: "Thats right, but that doesn't mean that he didn't hear you. Sometimes Jehovah just answers prayers when things work out. For example, when you and G and D2 were in my tummy I prayed so hard that you guys were going to be born healthy. And you were, right? So you understand?"
D: "Yeah. But mommy, you should have prayed for Genesis to be healthy too."

My heart broke right then and there. Thank goodness the light was off so they didn't see my tears falling. I tried not to let them hear it in my voice. I explained that I did but sometimes not everything we pray for works out or will happen. But that doesn't mean to stop praying. Sigh. 

This kid is too smart. 

Lord knows I prayed so hard. Especially after they told me the AFP test was positive. I prayed and prayed like a mad woman. I had such hope and faith. 

But just like D learned... sometimes prayer isn't enough.

I wish it was.... I wish it was.

I miss you sweet girl. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

So this is happening right now

The moment your littlest rainbow is playing with the toys bought for the sister he will never now. Wow. Going on 8 years and it's still no easier. Sigh. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lots of thoughts

Please bare with me as this post will be a bunch of random things that I just felt the need to get out or share or whatever.

Over the last few months I have been connected more to my spirituality. My inner being. And doing so can actually activate more dreams. Dreams that have meaning. I have found this to be true. There were two dreams that I have the need to document here. 

First: This was a while ago but I had a dream that I was pregnant with a little girl and she was stillborn at full term. In my dream this felt like it was a new loss. Not Genesis. But a future child. In this dream I named that baby girl Exodus. Im not sure why as its not a name I have ever considered. And I have never had a baby named in my dream that I didn't name myself.(The way it occurred in the dream was a nurse asked me her name and I heard myself reply to her saying her name was Exodus. But I was odd because I was watching myself in the dream. I was literally floating above my hospital bed watching the whole thing as a 3rd person) So this was odd. Over the last few weeks I have been meditating on this and doing research on dreams and what not and I think that maybe this dream did not signify a future loss. I think it may have been with my chemical pregnancy in mind. A medium told me that the baby was a girl. I totally had that feeling too. But I had felt so disconnected. Perhaps this dream was a way to make me feel connected. That it was an actual baby. Again Im not too sure. Im still working my emotions out on this one. 

Second: This dream actually happened last night. I was at the doctors and surprisingly found out that I was pregnant. I was having pains on my left side... sort of like ovulation pains but worse. Turns out in my dream I had an ectopic pregnancy. So I both found out in an instant that I was pregnant and that this pregnancy could not continue. I was so sad. I knew instantly that this was a boy. They did an ultrasound and confirmed the ectopic pregnancy. I saw the baby. I couldn't have been more than about 8 weeks along. I had to share both the good and bad news with my husband and my brother. I remember initially refusing to get the procedure done. In my dream it was a D&C. I didn't want to get it done. I asked if there was any other options and they said no. That my life depended on it. I was heart broken. I had not decided to do it or not in my dream. But one thing I did decide was before anything else, I had to name my baby boy. I remember mentioning a few names but none felt right. Then my husband told me something along the lines of "Lets find a name that means light". Light like a heavenly light or blessing. I was looking it up and I woke up. Again Im not sure what this dream means or why I am having so many loss dreams. But it scares me.

Moving on.

I am part of a lot of BLM groups online as well as rainbow groups. And I cannot tell you how many times a BLM will judge a non BLM. And we all know the opposite happens all the time. Hell, in general moms judge other moms for EVERYTHING. Gosh I wish it would just STOP. Mothering is so controversial these days. For all kinds of moms. BLMS even judge other BLMS. And pregnancy too! It seems no one can do the right thing without someone saying something. Look I get it. I really do. As a BLM there are a lot of emotions. A LOT. Emotions grow, change and evolve. And some never do. The way I felt as a BLM with no living children is not the same exact way I felt after one rainbow. The way I feel about things after one rainbow is not the same as after two. And the way I feel after three is different as well. I will probably feel different in the future as well weather or not I go on to have more children. Just as I get older Im sure my view point and opinions will change. So I get the feelings of where others may be coming from. I probably felt like these women at one point or another. But this negativity and judgement and anger does not fix anything. It won't make the mom change her views. It only puts negativity out there. And I do understand that venting is a good way of getting it out of our system... but lets not gang up against moms. I also get that we as BLMs carry a lot of emotions with us. A LOT. Resentment, anger, jealousy, failure... just to name a few. Im not perfect and feel many things at times. But we shouldn't direct or take out our feelings on others. We just shouldn't. If at very best you can just turn your head when you see something you don't agree with. Or just bite your tongue when someone says something you don't agree with then that is totally awesome. We aren't perfect nor are we robots. We will always have feelings and opinions about something. But lets choose peace. Lets choose to let negativity go. Not breed it. Put love and light and positivity in the universe and it will surround you. But this is the message I want to put out there:

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. We are mothers. We are role models. We are humans. We are imperfect. Let us simply do what is best for ourselves. No two humans are identical in every way. Even identical twins have different thoughts and feelings. Let us accept that we are beautiful individual creatures. And our goal is to raise our family the best way we know how, whatever that means to each person. Let us built each other up. Let us comfort those who need support. Let us assist and give input if we are asked. Leave the judgements behind. Leave the confrontations behind. It does no good to anyone. If something MUST be said because you see something potentially dangerous, then come from a place of love. Not judgement. I have recently learned the phrase Namaste which means "I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one." Another meaning is "My soul recognizes your soul, I honor the light, love, beauty, truth and kindness within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things there is no distance and no difference between us, we are the same, we are one." We need to practice that with each other as mothers. As living, breathing, nurturing beings. The world will be a better place if we do.

The beautiful thing about this is that it has inspired a new project for me. I hope to start working on it beginning of next year. I can't wait to share it all with you.

Then last but not least I came across this image online today. These lovely nurses assisted a mother deliver her stillborn baby. It goes to show you that nurses grieve too. I have heard of many nurses crying with the parents. I didn't experience that at all. Wish I did. But this image moved me to tears and just had to share this touching image.
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