Saturday, November 29, 2014

A Special Photo and Random Bits

My computer crashed a few weeks ago. I noticed that it was running slower and slower and I just knew it was only a matter of time before it crashed. I did back up most of my stuff to an external hard drive (the computer tanked during the backup so I may have lost stuff). Anyways, I got a new computer and Im slowing putting the stuff back on here and finding lots and lots of old photos that I totally forgot about. This is one of those photos. A true treasure.
This photo was taken on 5/29/2007. Genesis had just passed away about 2 months prior. I was already wearing my "mother ring" necklace and I actually have my Genesis bracelet on as well. My first husband and I were actually coming back from a trip to Monterey for our 3 year wedding anniversary and I wanted to stop by to see my grandma on the way home. At this point her alzheimer's was already progressing. I don't think she ever even remembered that I was pregnant to begin with. I didn't have the heart to remind her only to tell her that the baby died. 

This is also the same visit in which one of my cousins saw my bracelet and asked me what it said. I explained it said Genesis, my daughters name. And she said with this look of disgust "Daughter?!...." The pain was so raw I couldn't even look her in her eyes. The tears welled up and I said "yes, she is still my daughter even though she didn't live long." And that was that. Sigh. Anyway, I had totally forgotten that I had taken this picture with my late grandma. God I miss her. At this point she had a little more than 5 years left. Sigh. Had I only known. I probably would have visited her more. 

In other news, I have been thinking more and more about my chemical pregnancy. As mentioned before, a medium told me it was a little girl. I always felt it my gut it was a girl too. Although I still struggle with connecting with this type of loss... I feel I am getting better. It is still completely different than losing Genesis. I still need time to mediate and to sift through feelings and emotions and figure out how I feel about this all. And Its probably going to be something that evolves just like my grief for Genesis. Its just a totally different ballpark. Part of me wants to name her but the other part isn't sure Im ready for that. Time will tell. 

And last but not least... Again totally random, I wanted to share something about my husband. When I was dating my husband the first time I went to his house I saw something outside that convinced me it was a sign. A sign that he is the one for me and it was meant to be. His dad had a work van parked in the front and there was something painted on the van. He didn't have it out on... He bought the van like that and never removed it. What is it? This.

Do you see what I see? Yeah you do. 3:16. 3/16. Her birthdate. Like seriously what are the odds?! So seeing this gave me a good feeling knowing that this was supposed to happen. And sure enough I ended up marrying the most amazing man ever. 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Reminders

My computer got fried the other day and luckily I was able to back everything up (I think), and today I have been trying to put all my data on my new computer. 

I came across a lot of forgotten photos. Some very meaningful.
This photo was taken when I was pregnant with Genesis. I recall seeing dolphins in the distance. 
This photo was when I was having my Genesis bracelet made and this was the rough sketch they sent me of it. Even like this its so beautiful.

And I mentioned it in the past but when I found out I was pregnant with Genesis my mom's dog had just had a litter of puppies not long before. One of the puppies we ended up keeping and naming Klondie. This is him.




 Wasn't he adorable? Yes you read that right... past tense. Less than about a month after Genesis died Klondie went into heart failure which I was told is very common for these little dogs. He was the runt of the litter. I remember sitting at the vets office just a few weeks after my own baby died and I was literally sitting gin the waiting room with Klondie, my fur baby, dying in my arms. I was heart broken. Below is a picture of Klondie with Sushi which I still have. I have some comfort in knowing I have part of Klondie with me since Sushi was his dad.

It also occurred to me that in the photos I took with Klondie I was actually pregnant with Genesis. Looking at these pictures makes me pause and just sort of look pack in time... thinking, wow... I had no idea how much my life was going to change in just a few months from when these photos were taken.




 I am glad though that I did come across these photos and now I have them saved here in my blog forever.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hello November

                              
And my BLM new year has arrived. This November begins 8 years. I can't believe it. It both feels like just yesterday and an eternity ago. Sigh.


Also a few days ago my brother in law and his fiancĂ© announced she is pregnant. Going on 8 years out and 3 rainbow babies later.. Pregnancy announcements still stop me dead in my tracks. Instant panic and anxiety attack. No I'm not happy for people. Especially non loss people. I hate that I feel this was but I do. It doesn't matter if you're family, related by marriage, a co worker or a stranger... Every announcement hits me the same for non loss people. 
1 in 4 people will suffer pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. I know a few prego people and in my head I put them in a lineup and think... Statistically one of these babies won't make it. It's really hard for me to be happy for people. I unexpectedly spent some time with the mom to be yesterday and she was talking to others about all these future plans. The sleepless nights, the diapers, the cousin play dates... You know... The same dreams I once had that came crashing down. And I just sat there quietly without saying a word. She announced her pregnancy so early. Roughly 6 weeks. We all know anything can happen.... But I'm not going to scare her or burst her bubble. She is so naive... Like we all once were. After all it's her first. She is like I once was. You see those two pink likes and think you're automatically going to bring home a baby. God do I know better. Sigh. Even my husband was a bit nervous asking if she should be taking folic acid like me. To which I said well a basic prenatal should be fine but extra folic acid wouldn't hurt. He said he wanted to tell her to get started if she isn't already. His heart is in a beautiful place. I was like him once too. Wanting to warn people and possibly save a baby's life. But people don't like being told what to do in pregnancy or in decision making for children. And when I tried to do that before it fell on deaf ears and people would say that I was paranoid and looked at me like I was crazy or something. I learned to bite my tongue unless specifically asked something. I told my husband some things unfortunately people need to learn on their own. And I hope that it doesn't come at a heavy cost like it did for me. 

Speaking of specifically being asked something... This mom to be was of course talking about old wives tales and genders and asked me if it was true for such and such for boys and true for such cases and such for girls for my pregnancies. I told her that particular effect did not happen to me for my girls. Yes I said "girls" but I don't think she caught on. This is the first time I have hinted at the fact that I have daughters with my in laws. Marlon has told them about Genesis but I have never mentioned it. Sigh. Which leads me to my next biggest anxiety attack.

If these people end up having girls. I can't handle baby girl pregnancies or hearing about it. I hate seeing them buy pink and talking about these plans. I hate the baby names (God forbid they even hint at using Genesis), the pink baby shower. I can't do any of it. I can't. And when the baby is here I just can't hold it. I just cannot even think of it. It's too much for me. 

I have held 2 baby girls (aside from G) since Genesis died. Ththe first, I was pregnant with D and a friend of the family had a baby girl. I sobbed uncontrollably while holding that baby. All I could think of was that I should have had this with Genesis. The second time was when G was maybe a year old my cousin had a daughter. This one was easier for me but still hard. I couldn't hold her more than a couple minutes. I haven't held another one since. It's too much on my heart. I don't n ow why every pregnancy and every baby girl has to remind me of the baby that never went to term. The baby girl I never brought home. Why can't I think of one of my rainbows? It's just too much for my heart. 
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