Friday, October 31, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 30

Sunset

Tonight was very cloudy and it even rained for a short bit so there actually wasn't much of a sunset. However my husband was watching one of his favorite shows and he called me over to show me this. I definitely think this was a wink for daddy and a fitting way to end the month. 

Tears

Yes. Real tears. I'm crying right now. My awesome brother posted this beautiful message into instagram. It moved me to tears. Sorry as always I blur out the rainbow's faces but it was so beautiful I just had to share. 
I know he revers like I do. His soul will remind him even when no one else does. His heart gets heavy like this around anniversaries and a big one is coming up on Thanksgiving Day. I just cannot express how much this means to me.
He is the only one pretty much in my family who will do this on the regular. He has such a special relationship with my kids. Even Genesis. I know he can sense her. This just was a wonderful surprise to see. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 30

Intentions 

My life intentions are to lead a full life. Radiating love. Letting beauty and wisdom from the Earth to saturate my soul. To remember that value has nothing to do with money. Wealth has everything to do with family. Feel the magic that swirls around us in the very air we breathe. And of course to let Genesis name emit from my heart so that her name be spoken from mouths even long after I'm gone. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Rainbow in the horizon

I took this photo this morning while taking the kids to school. It has such meaning for me. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Reflection 

I definitely reflect back on my life. Prior to having children, having kids, and now. I sort of step outside myself and look at the timeline of my grief from that fateful day till today. My have things changed. My grief is still there... Ever evolving. But one thing remains true that I didn't know till long after. When Genesis was born... That event marked the beginning of my life. My real life.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Wisdom

There is a quote that has always stuck with me. 

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." - Author unknown 

This cannot be more true. Behind these eyes is an old soul. Not because of anything I have done, but because of Genesis. Im ancient inside. Crumbling ruins. But at the same time that in itself is beautiful. Genesis taught me so much in her short stay. So very much. More than I can put into words. She taught me more than someone could teach me in a hundred lifetimes. She taught me how to be an amazing mother. Provider. Protector. She made me smarter and more informed. Essentially, she taught me the meaning of life. These eyes have seen so much. Felt so much. Cried so much. These eyes that laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl have never again seen the same vision since then. My eyes have been opened to another world. She made me wise beyond my years.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Express

Over the years I have learned to be more comfortable in expressing what is in my heart. I still feel out situations but I am more inclined to speak Genesis name. So more likely than not I will tell you I have 4 kids, not 3.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 26

Healing Ritual

I try to connect to nature daily. Even if it's just staring at the clouds, breathing fresh air, earthing or feeling the wind or sun on my skin. It grounds me and brings me so much peace. 

In a side note I took this photo this morning specifically for today's post. To my surprise I was shocked what I captured. If you look right next to my fae I see what looks like a baby. I see its face complete with eyes, a nose and mouth. I see its hands going up to its mouth just like a baby does. If you look further you almost sort of see an out reached arm. I can see the thumb and hand almost holding the bottom of the baby. Almost like its holding the baby out to me. These signs are just incredible and undeniable. 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 25

Mother Earth

Through my recent spiritual journey I have connected more deeply with the Earth. I am more in tune with its healing properties. Connected to its wonders and mysteries. It really does leave me in awe. All the treasures this Earth carries. And in connection to Genesis... I sprinkled some of her ashes at her stone at the Childrens memorial garden...
So she is one with the earth as well. We are all connected through the earth. 

An incredible couple of winks

Last night I saw this on my plate again: 
I swear it looks like writing.

And today I took the kids to the park. I almost didn't but I decided to go ahead and go. While we were there a group of girls who just finished playing a softball game joined us. To my shock one of the girls, about 8 years old (of course), was named Genesis. The other little girls were calling her name. With each yell of "Genesis" I felt the tears moving closer to the surface. D and G started playing with the group. Wow. Genesis playing with D and G. Just wow. D finally heard them say "Genesis" and he started to share his sister's story with them. The tears nearly broke through. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. I felt like I was dreaming. An 8 year old Geneais playing with the rainbows. And she was beautiful. In the dreams I have had about Genesis I have always pictured her with honey colored eyes and light hair that would glow in the sun. I didn't get a good look at the girls eyes but her hair was stunning. 
                
I didn't want to be a creeper taking pictures of kids so I got just a few of her back showing off that gorgeous hair. Off course I take her privacy seriously too so I didn't want to post any face photos. But this was so amazing to me I needed to document it.

I just can't get over how beautiful her hair was. G gets compliments on her hair everywhere we go. I can't help but think Genesis would have been the same.this was just another reminder of what could have been.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Another reminder of what should have been

I saw this at G's school

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 24

Forgiveness 

This is something I could probably do better with. It really is a double edge sword. 

To have lost a husband and a daughter within a 5 month window almost killed me.i think it would have been easier if he had died... Then when he left I knew didn't have a choice. But, he actually chose to leave me. It was the end of my world at that time.  My rainbow baby literally saved my life. 

I'll share bits of my story but please do not feel sorry for me. He left me during a time that I feared losing yet another baby. He gave no reason. He never looked back. I ended up losing my job because of the company going under and he stole every last dime I had in my savings account. He broke into my home and stole belongings. If it wasn't for my parents I would have been homeless. He never went to one doctor appointment. He never answered the phone when I called to tell him the baby was born. Never paid any child support or gave me any items for the baby, not so much as a diaper. As a matter of fact he has never met MY son... He's 6 1/2 now. Of course he got another woman pregnant right after my son was born and of course they were blessed with a healthy baby girl. He dragged our divorce for over 5 years and threatened me countless times that he would take my son away from me... Cuz that's the kind of guy he is. To say he hurt me would be an understatement. I cannot begin to tell you the anger I feel. 

HOWEVER had none of that happened I wouldn't have met my current husband. So this is why it's a double edge sword. I hate my ex for having put me through it but at the same time I thank him for doing it because it was a huge blessing in disguise. Do I forgive him? No. I can't say that I do. But I have found peace through it all.

Capture Your Grief: Day 23

Inspiration 

Genesis has inspired me in ways I cannot even put into words. Not only has she inspired me to be the best mother I can be, not only has she inspired me to help others coping with this same loss... But honestly, she has just inspired life over all. She has inspired me to live, love and be true to my instincts. She has opened my eyes to a life of wonder and beauty. I honestly am inspired by almost everything I see. I think of her in almost everything I do. For example I saw my shadow and I was moved to take this picture because it reminded me of the day I would get to hold baby Genesis in my arms again. Standing in a golden sunset. Watching our shadows stretch across the land. Stuff like this moves me daily. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wink

I saw this back on 10/10
I totally see something

Capture Your Grief: Day 22

Self care
This year not only have I made my spirituality a priority but also my health. It's so easy as a mom to put everyone first before yourself. Sadly I have neglected myself for years. I was able to finally get back on track this year to make sure everything is as it should be. After all I need to make sure that I am here for many years to come to watch all my children grow up.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Relationship 
When Genesis died I was married to my first husband. Initially I thought her death brought us closer. Looking back, I'm not so sure. I don't ever recall talking about what happened or Genesis or coping with the loss. I wish I could tell you that's why he walked out on me 5 months later while I was pregnant with our first rainbow baby, but the truth is that I still don't know why he left.

Even though I couldn't see it then, him leaving was a blessing in disguise. It was the beginning to a path that lead me to my current husband and love of my life. Marlon came into the picture with a disadvantage. He met me after Genesis had died. I remember when we met I let him know right away I have two kids. Most guys would have turned the other way but he didn't. As we grew closer I told him I actually had 3 kids but one was in paradise. I had got to this point with one other man before and when he knew of Genesis he decided it wasn't going to work. Funny, I always knew dating as a single mom would be hard but I never thought the one who wasn't physically here would be the issue. But still Marlon stayed and got to know all 3 kids. Obviously it was a little different process getting to know about Genesis legacy. Through the years he has proven he not only is our 3 rainbow's father but Genesis as well. 

It's crazy to me that the one person who went through this with me couldn't offer support, but this man that I met 5 years after Genesis birth/death has been my rock through it all. And loves her just as I do. I am beyond blessed to have this man as the father to all my children and to call him my husband. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Breathe
This year I discovered how important breathing is. I mean REALLY breathing. Being still. Being conscious of your every breath. Connecting with that moment in time and letting each breath fill your lungs. Savoring that sweet oxygen that releases your every tension and worry for that one breath. Yes mediation. What a grounding force. So very healing.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Give
First and foremost I gives precious family my heart and all my love. It took a lot to get the family I have today and I don't take it for granted. I love harder, deeper, stronger than I probably would have before.

But not only do I have love for my family... I also emit it and share it with whoever crosses my path and the world. Not just to people but to animals and he Earth. just ever aspect of life. After going through losing your child you get filled with despair and darkness. It took me a long time to grow from the ashes of my life and to be able to offer a gift out of heartbreak. But this way her death was not in vain. Something beautiful emerged from destruction. And to be able to offer this now is such a magical blessing.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 18

Gratitude 

I am so grateful for my family. My 3 precious rainbow babies and my amazing husband. I truly am blessed. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 17

I'm a little late

Explore

Lately I have been exploring myself. Exploring my mind. My spirituality. I'm on a beautiful path and aim to keep waking down this new found way of living. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

When baby brother met big sister

This is way overdue, but life with kids gets busy. Today I finally brought out Genesis' scrapbook and showed D2 the photo of his biggest sister.

Capture Your Grief: Day 16

Rereat 
I used to think that a retreat in connection with Genesis meant meeting up or hanging out with other baby loss moms and doing baby loss things. Like sharing stories and things in memory of our children. And while I think those things are very important, it's no longer what I think of when I think of a retreat.

I have learned that I don't need to go anywhere or meet with anyone to find peace or comfort. I must find it in me. I now now the importance of meditation and having a sacred space to be able to unwind, relax and let feelings flow. 

There is no wrong or right way. At times I sit quietly. Other times I use my crystals or meditation beads. Other times I do yoga and sometimes I listen to music. Whatever takes me to peace is what I call my retreat. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 15

Community 
Tonight is the wave of light. Everyone worldwide is invited to light a candle at 7pm in your timezone. If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous wave of light over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remberance Day.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Dark | Light
When I saw today's topic I immediately knew I wanted to choose this photo. This one painting captures pretty much my entire life. It's so symbolic of just everything. The storm, the rainbows the sunshine... Just everything.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 13

Season
November 2006 is when my life changed. Thanksgiving day I got the positive pregnancy test. Every year since then I have always connected to fall and thanksgiving to Genesis. It's what I call my blm new year. This was the beginning of my calendar that started with that pregnancy test.  

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 12

Music 
There are not a whole lot of songs that specifically make me think of Genesis. Sure there are a lot of songs that trigger emotions that are tied to her... But not her specifically. 

The one song that does that for me didn't get a lot of air time on the radio. She doesn't perform it in concerts. And many people don't know it exists. 

This song is Someday (I will understand) by Britney Spears. Take a look at the lurics and maybe you can see why this speaks to me. 

"Someday (I Will Understand)"

[Verse 1:]
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

[Verse 2:]
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you

It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

Capture Your Grief: Day 11

Altar
I don't have an alter really. I mean I do have little mementos up in the house that either say her name or represent her. Initially I felt the need to have more of a shrine for her but through the years my grief evolved. I evolved. Life evolved. And so did my idea of a shrine/altar. 

Today I see my altar as not only am alter for Genesis but for myself. For life. I don't see a specific location in my home for it... Rather I see the earth as a whole as my altar. I see her everywhere and the magic I encounter cannot be contained within the confines of my walls. It roams free. 

But that's not to say that from time to time I do put something out that brings me comfort. But over all, Mother Earth is my life's altar. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 10

Support
It's no secret that I have hardly any support in my life. Plenty of it on the Internet, but hardly any in real life. The one person who went through it with me left. The other close family member who I went to for support straight up told me to get over it and stop talking "about it". For the record I will never stop speaking her name.

However I found support in an unexpected place. My brother Stefan was young when it happened but as he got older he understood more of what I was going through. He was the only one besides myself at the time who connected to Genesis like I did/do. He remembers her always. He always includes her in the number of nieces he has. He speaks her name. He visits her stone with and without me. He can feel her presence. His love and support meant and means the world to me.

My most recent supporter is my amazing husband Marlon. And he was placed at a big disadvantage. Here he was marrying me, this single mom of 2 here on earth and 1 in paradise. He never met her. Didn't see her. Never kissed her. But he loves her just as he loves the rest of the kids. He counts her as his daughter, after all had she been here he would be as much her daddy as he is my rainbows. He speaks her name, even gets winks from her, remembers her and let's me speak about her whenever I want without judgement. He never tells me that he's heard me say the same thing before. He listens and learns more about the daughter he never got to know. 

The support of these two guys is amazing. Im blown away! And whenever anyone else talks about her, comes to the park on her birthday or joins me on a walk it also means a lot to me. My sister Crystal and her husband have also shown their support. I'm just so grateful. I hope people still do this with the kids after I'm long gone. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 9

In memory
There are quite a few things I do in memory of Genesis but the one thing that is consistent is on her birthday every year we go to her stone at the park and bring her flowers, take tons of pics, take balloons and write messages on the balloons for her. I usually get the number of flowers and balloons for the number year she turned. This year for her 7th birthday I bought 7 of each. Then I do a balloon release and hope somehow she knows she is still loved. Missed. And part of our family. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 8

Resources 
After Genesis died my then husband and I decided we wanted to try again for a baby right away. I got pregnant again and found out 2 days before my EDD with Genesis. I had started spotting and my dr and I were concerned I was going to miscarry. Within a few days of this scare my then husband decided to leave me. He walked out the door and never looked back. Now I was faced with being a single parent. So my mind was very occupied with getting through my pregnancy and single parenthood. So I really didn't have time to grieve or look for support within the first year or so following Genesis death. 

When I finally decided to look for support I went to facebook. Through facebook I found Carly Dudley who also lost a son the same year I lost Genesis and she was offering a gift to grieving parents. She would write the names of babies who had passed away in the sand of an Australian beach. (She still does it to this day) It was through Carly's page I met a ton of other BLMs (baby loss moms) and support pages. 

Last year (October 2013) I was able to meet Carly for the first time at the OC Walk To Remember. I was fortunate enough to meet Carly AGAIN earlier this year at the Hollywood red carpet premier of Return To Zero. If it wasn't for Carly I don't know where I would be today. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

A wink

We visited Genesis' park today (you can tell from my previous post) and while we were there I was thinking it had been too long since we were there last. Genesis' birthday was the last time and D2 was a newborn so a little over 6 months ago. D2 was so little he didn't really get to see or know the park or her garden so today that's what he was doing. 
It felt great to be there. We had a picnic lunch there and just enjoyed the garden. And Marlon and I were talking about how he is her dad too. And unfortunately because the big kids were in school we only took D2. And I was thinking...
The baby and the oldest meeting. Sigh...

Anyway, a couple hours after we got home Marlon got a notification on an app that he has on his phone. He plays some video game and this is what popped up as soon as he opened the app:
Wow. He came to me and told me "Babe I just got a wink!" Seriously amazing! "GENESIS NEEDS YOU" wow. I think she must have appreciated the visit today.

And at dinner evidently my fortune cookie agreed that a visit to her park was needed. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 7

Sacred Space
The memorial garden at Garfield park is and always will be my sacred space. Since Genesis was cremated she doesn't have a grave for me to visit. But here she has a stone engraved with her name. I sprinkled some of her ashes at her stone too so that she is actually a part of this garden.

This place is so magical and calm. It's refreshing to sit here and just take in the nature. There are even wild parrots that perch here and just sing in the trees. There is seriously no place on earth like this special garden. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 6

Books 

This was the one and only book I bought to help me with my loss. There were tons of books that the social workers suggested but this was the one I settled on. I was shocked one day wile reading it I found her name in it. This was the second wink I got from her. The first was while I was in labor with her. The IV machine next to me had a sticker that said Genesis on it. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 5

Journal



I don't really journal. Not in a physical journal that is. This blog is pretty much my journal and I treasure every post on here, big and small. Over the trees we forget the details and I'm glad I have something I can look back at and remover what may have been forgotten. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

2014 Walk To Remember

Today was the OC Walk To Remeber. I almost missed it. I didn't know it was today until just a few days ago. It's been really miserably hot and traving that far with the kids is usually a pain. But I had to do it. Why?

This is why.
                   
It was D2's first walk ever for his big sister. It meant a lot to me. Last year he was in my belly and at the exact gestation Genesis was when she was born. He just had to go today. 

As always I see huge groups of people who had so many people there supporting them. I see teams of different colors with ma hung shirts. Teams of 5, 10, 15, 20, 30... It's amazing to me. And both hurtful. I get jealous I don't have thy. 7 years out and my own mother has never come to a walk with me. It's been a dream to have a "team" of supporters. I doubt I'll ever have that. However I did have my awesome brother come along with me and his equally awesome boyfriend also came. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 4

After/ Now

The photo on the left is the very first photo taken of me right after Genesis died. It was about a month or so after.  The photo on the right was taken today. 7 years and 6 odd months passed between these photos. But one thing is constant. There is still a piece of my heart missing. That sadness is never too far from the surface. And though there is so much to smile about the pain is always behind those eyes. Don't automatically label me as depressed or anything like that. But I carry it with me always as a reminder. The price we pay to love is to mourn. 

Friday, October 3, 2014

A morning wink

His morning I went outside briefly and I heard a light fluttering and I looked up and saw the hummingbird just flying overhead and hoverin over me as if she was looking down upon me. I wasn't able to get a photo but she was right here hovering. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 3

Before 

Day 3: Before 
#captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart 

I hardly remember who I was before Genesis died. I honestly couldn't find a whole lot of pictures because times were a bit different then. I didn't have a cell phone with a camera. Selfies weren't a thing yet. These photos were taken with actual camera with film that has to be developed. 

I see this girl in the photos and aside from wishing I was that skinny again, I see someone so happy. So carefree. There is nothing but pure joy behind those eyes. I was oblivious and naive to the fact that babies die. They teach you in school that if you have sex you get pregnant and have a baby. Period. Boy do I know better now. 

I didn't really life children a second thought in my life. It wasn't until I got married that I really started to think about it. I figured let's have two, a boy and a girl, and we are done... Because, well that's what people do. Not because it was in my heart. When Genesis died it changed everything. I felt it in my soul. I never knew how badly I wanted it until it was taken away. 

The girl in these photos died when Genesis died. And although on the calendar it tells me it was 7 years, 6 months, 2 weeks and 3 days... It feels like an eternity ago. My soul has aged and is ancient inside. 

This girl didn't have a clue as to what mattered in life or what life was about. She didn't see beauty or miracles in things. She simply lived a life for herself. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 2

Heart



This is one of the few pictures I have of Genesis. Granted she was only 9 weeks 4 days in this photo and she was born at nearly 21 weeks. But I choose this photo because it's the only photo I have where her heart was beating. We had an ultrasound done at 20 weeks and her heart was also pumping away there too, but with the shock of being told your daughter wasn't going to live I forgot to ask for the photos. So this is the one and only one I have. 

For 5 short months her heart and mine beat together. I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. Sadly it took my innocence away forever. I have since had 3 rainbow babies and I can tell you that at each ultrasound with each pregnancy I would hold my breath scared to death they were going to tell me there was no heartbeat. That heartbeat, that drum of life, that tiny heart means the world to me.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Capture Your Grief: Day 1

Sunrise


Day 1 #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart 

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Time: 7:00 am

Luckily I see the sunrise daily when I take the kids to school. That sentence in itself is such a blessing and a dream come true in itself. There was a time where I had no living children and I dreamed of the day I could raise a child. And now I take them to school. 

I've probably said it a million times but since Genesis, I have learned to see life differently. I'm in awe of all the daily miracles. The small things are the big things. And there is magic everywhere. Beauty everywhere. And so I see her where there is magic and beauty and miracles. And so in a sense her presence surrounds me always. 

Capture your grief

I have decided to join Carly this year in the Capture your Grief project. Feel free to join me.

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