Monday, September 29, 2014

I'm a loss mom

That's what kind of mom I am. Yes I have living kids but I have never known being a mom prior to my loss. I vaguely remember those 5 short months where I was naively pregnant with Genesis. But when I had the priveledge to raise a child it was already tarnished with the fear that anything can happen at any time, at any age. 

And I knew and still know that it would forever change the type of mother I would be. I don't know how to be anything but a loss mom. As a result I am a few things that a "normal" mom usually isn't.

I worry. A lot. Not excessively but I do.

I always think worst case scenario.

I probably smother the kids with having them close by.

I can't just assume they will be fine.

... Amongst other things.

My routine with D is when I take him to school they serve breakfast so I walk him to the cafeteria and kiss him goodbye and watch him go in before I leave. Many parents (all but me and 2 others) feel it's fine to drop off their kids at the gate, have them wait there for the school to open, and assume their child will make it inside just fine. And that's fine. Nothing wrong with that. In most cases they will make it just fine. 

But I can't do that. D even noticed and told me "but mommy I'm a big kid now and the big kids go in by themselves." I tried my best to explain why I do what I do. 

And it's not just dropping him off. Last year I had an arrangement where he would leave class with the bus kids and wait in the office for an authorized adult to pick him up because essentially the teachers will let them go with anyone who picks them up. This year it's a little different because D is in an after school program. And again there is supposed to be an authorized list but they don't check id's so I had to put special instructions and even put a call to the school district asking this to be standard.

So you see? See what I'm talking about? I can't not care. You can call me excessive. You can call me over protective. You can even call me a bitch when I call to complain. But my child's safely is very important to me. And I'm not ok with the basics that have worked for years. Times have changed and kids get kidnapped or lost daily. Times are more violent and worse than ever before. I can't even watch/read the news anymore. There are too many sick people out there. And my kids are my life and I'll be damned if I just let others make such big decisions for my kids. 

But anyway the point of this post was how D has noticed too that I'm not like other moms. I'm doing my best. I really am. I'm not looking to embarrass him or anything. And trust me being the mom that I am is A LOT more work. But it's not only worth it... ITS NECESSARY. I just hope one day they understand and appreciate it. 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

2 years...

I know I'm a few days late, but 9/23/14 marked 2 years since I said goodbye to Abilla. How has it gone by so fast? Seriously! I feel like I lost her just yesterday. The tears still fall for her. I think of her often and the only comfort I have is hearing what the medium told me before that she and Genesis are together. Where ever they are, they are there together. The two most loved people I have ever lost. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A morning wink

Today as I was doing laundry in the back of our house a dragonfly was flying over our pool. She was beautiful. She was golden and was such a vibrant yellow as she reflected the suns light. I was able to put the laundry in and she was still flying. There were a couple of moments she came very close to me. As I walked towards her she flew off. I followed her with my eyes until she flew too far and just then a hummingbird flew directly where I lost sight of her. That wasn't a coinsidence. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

A little wink

Yesterday the pink headed hummingbird stopped by again. Here is zoomed in picture. She was sitting on the bird of paradise flower.

Friday, September 5, 2014

A wink on a 4th birthday

I was browsing through Instagram and this photo popped up in my feed.
This gorgeous little boy is named Ryan Cruz. Apparently he passed away and today was supposed to be his 4th birthday. @babyboybakery is the username for his moms Instagram account and through some browsing it seems he passed away in may I believe. From what I have read he got hit by a car while running into the street after a frisbee. Poor thing. Apparently red balloons are his thing... This the hashtag #redballoonsforryan while browsing that hashtag I came across this photo:
Do you know why I posted this? That stone and those plants were all too familiar. It hit me immediately without a doubt in my mind. This little boys name was added to a stone in the children's healing and memorial garden in Garfield park in south Pasadena. Genesis garden. Wow. What are the odds. I know I will find his name next time I go and leave a flower. 

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