Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A dream

Last night I had one of those rare dreams about Genesis. She was perfectly formed in my dream, her little head was closed. She was sill the same size but slightly plumper. She wasn't bruised on her head like I saw her. She was perfect like a porcelain doll. Although the odd thing was that she had long hair. Like picture a Barbie doll. That kind of length and it was brown. She had already passed away and she was laying in a little bin much like my mom told me about yesterday. But there was water in there too. Not a lot, but some. I'm not sure who I was talking to but we were discussing taking photos with her from NILMDTS. The odd thing was that she wasn't freshly born. It was still 7 years out and apparently I had been paying monthly for the mortuary to keep her preserved. I remember telling my mom I regretted not taking photos when she was born and now was my chance to take the pictures as a family. And that I can't pay forever for the mortuary or morgue to keep her there. I remember admiring her beauty while in the bin and she started to move. But somehow I knew she was not alive. It was amazing seeing her move though. Sigh. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Return to Zero part 2

I watched RTZ for th second time this past weekend. It aired on lifetime so I was able to watch it in the comfort of my own home. I saw a few things I hasn't noticed at the premiere. I was able to process things fully and let the enormity of this movie hit me. Bringing me back to THAT day. I cried big sloppy tears and had a horrible cry hangover. I was able to open a discussion with the rainbows who caught glimpses of the movie here and there.

Before it aired, I called my mom and told her it was going to be on in 30 min and if she wanted to she could watch. I honestly thought she wasn't going to watch. To my surprise she did and she watched all of it. She had great things to say about it. It also opened up a discussion for us.

In the movie, baby Aurthur was taken from his parents and placed in a box. Per Sean, the director, this is a true account of what happened with their son Norburt. He said that when the nurse came back to take him she took off his hat, unwrapped him, undressed him and placed him in a raggedy card board box in front of the parents. I cannot even fathom that. As Sean discussed this other blms added that similar tho bra had happened to them. Plastic sheets and baby body bags were mentioned. And then it dawned on me.

I don't know what they took Genesis in. When Genesis was being born I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes the whole delivery. I didn't want to see her. I was so scared of what she would look like. I don't want to remember her like that. So I never saw her. I didn't see what they placed her in nor did I see what she looked like freshly born. I only remember that the umbilical cord was so thin they didn't need to cut it. It just ripped as she was separated from me. So today I asked my mom. She told me they had a little bin, sort of like a rectangular container that had towels in it. When she was born they put her in it and covered her with a blanket. It's been 7 years and I only JUST found out this information. Wow. I think they did treat her with dignity because the one photo I do have of her she had a little hat on and a tiny shirt. 

When I did see her for the first time two days later at the mortuary, I think they also treated her with care. I honestly cannot remember details. I was on auto pilot and survival mode back then. But I believe she was wrapped in a blanket and I think she had a hat on as well. Either that or the blanket was covering her head. I remember this because I wanted to see her little head and my then husband wouldn't let me. I also wanted to hold her but once again he didn't let me. I'm not sure why he didn't let me. I think he thought she was too fragile or something. Maybe he was in shock too. I'm not sure.

That's another thing that I realized in watching this film. As supportive as Marlon is he isn't a baby loss dad. The one person that went through it with me is no longer with me. In the days and weeks and few months he was here (before he left me) after Genesis died, I don't really recal speaking about her. I know right after we left the mortuary we went to eat and the restaurant left a survey on the table and one of the questions was do you have kids, if so how many? I remember looking up at him with tears in my eyes and he told me to put that I had one child. Then the other occasion I can recall I told him I wanted to get a memorial tattoo for her and he wouldn't let me. Aside from those two instances I can't recall mentioning her.  

Through my conversation with my mom it also brought up her very own still born child. She never knew the gender. She still doesn't want to know. She is more attached to Genesis than her own child. I wonder if I had another brother or sister. I actually remember going to one of her doctor appoinents with her and she got an ultrasound. I must have been about 5 years old. Crazy to think I would have a 25 year old sibling had the baby lived. My mom however does have a saved ultrasound from that baby. I'm happy for that. 

Anyway this has all brought a lot of emotions out and I have really been missing her. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


As I was getting the kids in the car for school this morning the pink headed hummingbird flew down and hovers over the street next to my car.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

A year ago today

Last Mother's Day I got an amazing gift. I got a bfp on a pregnancy test. Though very light, it was most definitely there. I continued to get a faint positive the next day. Then all of a sudden I got my period. It was over before it began. 

Like I mentioned before, I'm not too sure how to react to this type of loss. Today while browsing Facebook and saw someone post a bfp and that's how I remembered. Had I not seen that, I think it would have slipped my mind completely. When I remembered it instantly brought tears to my eyes... An unexpected reaction. Of course the following month I would get my next bfp which would result in my third rainbow D2. But if she had made it to term (remember the medium said it was a girl) she would be nearing 4 months. Sigh. 

I'll never know for sure but the what if is definitely there. But of course if she made it D2 wouldn't be here. Sigh.

Friday, May 2, 2014

5/1/2014 Return To Zero Los Angeles red carpet premiere


As we arrived to the Paramount Studios lot, I saw the water tower and almost directly above it in the clouds I saw the outline of a heart. Here is the picture of that. 

Most certainly a wink :)

On to the good stuff. Return to Zero LA premiere. The first movie about stillbirth. The only lifetime movie to have a worldwide debut. The only premiere to have all the stars attend. And they have even requested that it be eligible for Emmy nomination. This is an incredible feat for an independent film. And big kudos to lifetime for taking a risk and accepting this. I know plenty of others turned it down because of it's taboo nature.

It was an awesome opportunity to see all the glitter and jazz of the red carpet and celebrities. But it was an even more incredible experience watching this movie and meeting the incredible Carly Dudley for a second time! I feel so blessed! 

As for the movie, I'm happy to say it was an accurate description of the things we as baby loss parents have to deal with, from all stages. From the naive thoughts prior to loss, to those terrible words that your baby has died, to labor and delivery, to keepsakes, to life after loss, stupid things people say, how relationships are affected and so much more. The acting was incredible. It's really hard to ask someone to play this role and accurately depict what we as real baby loss parents have experienced and I have to say Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein hit the nail on the head. This is real, this is raw, this is true life. It wasn't all sadness and gloom, but some humor as well. It has it's ups and downs just as we do in real life. 

It was an amazing evening afterwards with a reception and the stars mingling with us all. No security or people telling you to stay away from them. I just know they knew how important this film was to us and they gave us the opportunity to thank them directly.

I highly suggest watching this when it airs in your area. I am going to record it as well. Share this as much as you can. The bigger deal we make about it the more those walls making stillbirth a taboo subject are taken down, and it helps in that Emmy nomination. Have plenty of tissues ready and skip the mascara ;) 

Here are some photos from last night:




Directer Sean Hanish


The lovely Carly


I also have to give a special shout out to my amazing husband Marlon. He does not know first hand what it's like to be a baby loss parent. However, he is my biggest supporter. He acknowledges that had Genesis been here today, he would have been her daddy too. So he does consider himself her dad. He understands what I go through daily and how I see life and why I am the way I am because he listens to me, let's me talk about her and my experiences, he remembers her and speaks her name often and visits her stone in the park even when I'm not there. It was amazing to be able to bring him along with me to the premiere. Each movie he watches about child loss or about stillbirth helps him understand better. So thank you for your love and support baby, it means the world to me. And you are an amazing father to Genesis too. Being a parent to a child that is no longer here may be even harder. I love you.
And I know that Genesis knows this as well. Today in the early morning hours before Marlon went to work he was getting a coffee through the drive through and a hummingbird approached him near his open window. He said she was about an arms length away. It made him think of Genesis. 

And speaking of winks there is one more. At the end of the film during the end credits there was a list of baby names. Many blms had paid to get their child's name listed. I wish I could have afford it but it simply was just too expensive for us. I randomly took a photo of these credits and this is the photo:

Do you see what I see? Apparently the names are listed in alphabetical order by last name. So when I took this, they were in the "D" section. I happened to take a photo of Christian Dudley's name! How amazing! And had I been able to list genesis name, she would have been here too! As a matter of fact I see a De Leon in the list! Genesis Magali De Leon.

One last wink or at least something odd that happened today that could be something or maybe nothing... I was leaving the house to pick up D from school and I went to reach for the door just as the photo below shows and as you can see the door was clearly locked in the door knob. Yet when I reached for it, the door opened by itself without me touching it, no wind pushing it, and while it was locked. Very very weird. Maybe her? Not sure. But I thought it was worth mentioning.

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