Monday, February 24, 2014

Reminders

Saw this on Pinterest and instant thought of my girl.


Sunday, February 23, 2014

A rainbow and getting closer

Well I am happy to announce that D2 made his grand appearance into the world last week. We had a couple of scares through labor and delivery but I'm happy to say we are all doing well now. All I could think about when the rainbows met their new baby brother was that there should be four of them here getting to know each other. 

I saw this on Facebook and thought it totally applied to me since Genesis birthday is right before St. Patricks day.
This is Genesis' first birthday that D2 will be joining us for. It's amazing that I'm now taking 3 rainbows to Genesis' Park this year. 

Also I got a card in the mail today:
I love this wonderful friend of mine. She always always always remembers Genesis. This was the fist card I got for D2 so far (from friends or family) and I bet you it will be the only one to remember Genesis. 

I did however get one other card from my wonderful husband. Where he thanked me for giving him the gift of our son and he told me he loved all 4 of the kids. So amazing.

And lastly today on a car ride home I told G "so now we are a family of 5, right?" She replied "right." But then D chimed in from the backseat and said "No mommy. We are a family of 6. You forgot Genesis." He stopped me in my tracks and totally made me cry. I was so happy. I said "yes you are right. We are a family of 6. I love that you remember her. I hope you always do." He replied "I will always remember Genesis." Seriously... Tears.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

A confession and a bit offended

When I got pregnant with D2 I just asked my family not really to tell my extended family in Fresno. I did this for personal reasons that Im not going to mention here. I guess they were going to find out sooner or later anyway, but I just wanted to have peace as long as I could. Turns out my mom spilled the beans last week to my uncle. Again, they were going to find out eventually, so I guess that was ok but my mom was very vague and even hinted that there may be some pregnancy problems and the baby may be here early (not sure why as I never asked her to say that). She didnt even say that she knew how far along I was or what my due date was. She sort of played stupid. My uncle and aunt actually came today to visit and saw that I was VERY pregnant. They were shocked. My mom tried to play the dumb card again because it was pretty obvious she held this information from them. I tried to play along as much as I could saying well we didnt want to announce it from the beginning because you never know what will happen or whatever.... but then my mom jumps in saying "Well last month (my 8th month) it was a threatened miscarriage so they didnt know what was going to happen." Im sorry but this totally offended me on so many levels. First of all, she of all people should know a loss this late would be a stillbirth not a miscarriage. Second, dont you dare lie about my child possibly dying to cover your ass. I quickly stopped her and said no that was never the case at all. When I told them my due date, my mom acted so surprised saying "oh you just found out?!" Puleeeze mom. You have known the whole time. She hasn't cared about this pregnancy or D2 or me at all. And the whole time my aunt and uncle were there she kept asking me how I feel and how am I doing and hows the baby. Im so hurt and offended. I want to call her out on it but I dont want to stress myself out this close to the end of the pregnancy. Plus I know she will probably go crazy and try to OD again if I say anything. I just cant believe she went there.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Another confession

After Genesis died I was determined that I was going to have another baby one way or another. As I've mentioned before I insisted on finishing the nursery though I was no longer pregnant. Even after D was born I bought little girl clothes for the daughter I hoped I would have one day.

Another one of the things I did in hopes of having a daughter was buy this:
This is a handmade reversible doll. One look on one side and another on the other side. I saw this online and just knew I had to have it for my daughter. I had it sitting in a box for the longest and now it's one of G's favorite dolls. Although it was not bought for Genesis, I still think if her when I see this doll. G has insisted on sleeping with it pretty much every night. 

And I saw this message today on Instagram: 
I think it is important to focus on the rainbow but never to forget the storm. The storm gave you the strength to stay long enough to see the rainbow. And without the storm there would be no rainbow. I enjoy the rainbows but look back at the storm and always remember.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Daily triggers

I see the above add often and many like it. There are a few lines that pull at my heart strings. Like the child saying their sister died. Or the old man saying how horrible it is for a mother to lose another child. Of course when they show this sweet girls face I think of Genesis. Not sure why. 

Which leads me to some horrible news I heard yesterday. A blm I don't know had her 2 year old daughter die 18 months ago while she was pregnant with her son.  I don't know all the details but apparent her daughter had a head injury and it causes fatal brain damage. Prior to thay I believe she had one or more miscarriages. This poor mama in the last day or so had another tragedy strike their family. Apparently their now 1 year old son was climbing on the dresser and knocked it and the tv over crushing him. Sadly he passed away. I cannot even fathom. She lost two children. In less than 2 years. She has no living children now. I am at a loss for words. I don't understand why this keeps happening and to families who have already survived the unthinkable. And to be hit my tragedy again??? I don't think I could survive it. I have a hard time understanding why things happen. What's the purpose of it all. I hate where my mind goes. But seriously, what is going on?

Makes me hug my kids a little bit tighter. Kiss them a little bit longer. Take a few more pictures than I had planned. Tell them I love you every chance I get. Tomorrow is not promised.

And though D2 is nearly here, again I'm not confident enough to say that I know he is coming home with us. He scares me daily with lack of movements. I worry about everything. I need him to make it here safe and sound. When the worries hit my head my mind wanders to that place that fears having to plan another child's funereal. Sigh.

And I came across this picture on Facebook:
Seeing these sisters made me think of Genesis and G and how they should be taking such adorable pics.

The life I lead, though very blessed and happy most of the time, has me living the "what should of beens" and day dreams of a life that the course of life did not take me down. 

Yup another flash back

I saw this photo on Carly's Facebook page:
The quote says "My tears were falling and I needed every single one of them to fall on you. I knew that soon I had to let you go and I wanted that little piece of me to be with you always. The salt from my tears."

This is so true for me. The day I went to say both hello and goodbye to Genesis at the mortuary I brought my camera along. But I just could not bring myself to take photos. I think instinctually I knew I had to hold her, touch her, kids her, cry on her as much as I could because our minutes were numbered. Of course looking back I regret not having taken photos, but I relate to this quote so much. 

I remembers tears wetting her small body. Just raining down on her. I wanted them on her. I'm glad I'm not alone in my actions and thoughts.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Another appointment followed by past memories

I had yet another appointment to check on D2. Everything is looking good.

On our way home we decided to go a new route. We sort of got a little lost, but quickly found our way. This new route however had us pass by something unexpected. We drove past the mortuary. HER mortuary. I really dislike driving past it and seeing that huge oak tree in the front. It's not the tree. Or the building. It's the memories. This was the first time Marlon had seen her mortuary. As we drove by I told him "this is where I said hello and goodbye in the same breathe." And then of course it brought a tear to my eyes but we went on our way. 

We decided to stop at a burger place that I grew up around called High Life. As we were eating I had a flashback pop in my mind. Shortly after giving birth to Genesis my mom and I went and ate lunch there. It couldn't have been more than 1-2 weeks after she was born. This is where we ate.
I remember clearly that we sat in the booth to the left, second from the end. It's funny how such small details have escaped me all these years and how randomly I will remember these events.
I love documenting and adding bits and pieces to her story.

It's that time of year where her birthday is inching closer and closer. This will be the first time I will have 3 rainbows to bring to her garden for her "angelversary". That sort of leaves me in awe and a little emotional. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

A mixed post

A few random things to blog about.

This last week I took my maternity photos. They came out great. I had planned to wear the new urn necklace I got to incorporate Genesis in our family photo. Only I forgot to put it on! I didn't remember until we got to the location of the shoot. I was very disappointed in myself. As we took the photos I couldn't help but think of her and how this was another opportunity missed. Another family event that she should have been at.

When I posted some of the pics on Facebook a couple days later one of my blm friends claimed to see Genesis in one photo. She didn't see her fully but like her outline. She doesn't claim to have any abilities and was so surprised at what she saw. She said this had never happened before but she felt compelled to tell me. I told her about how I forgot the necklace and she told me "you didn't need to wear it because she was there!" That made me happy. Though I cluslnt really see what she saw it brought me comfort.

Fast forward to yesterday and a totally different topic. Once again in a conversation with my moms grand kids were brought up and she said "I can't believe I have 6 grandkids now." Um no mom. You mean 7. She forgot Genesis. Again. I don't understand why. She counts D2 who isn't even born yet but she won't count Genesis who was born nearly 7 years ago. Sigh.
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