Saturday, January 25, 2014

A dream and another anniversary

I had a dream last night of the pink headed hummingbird. Marlon and I were on the balcony of our home and she flew right up to us. Our door was open and she kept flying very close to it. I was afraid she might get in the house. So I went inside and closed the door so she couldn't get in. I cracked open the door and she was flying right up to the crack. Staying right there. She was trying to get inside. I kept trying to gently nudge her away but she kept coming back. She moved up and down the whole crack tying her hardest. I finally placed my hand in front of her and opened the door. She flew right into my hand and let me hold her. It was amazing. I just knew it was Genesis behind this amazing event. She was gorgeous with her brilliant pink head. She was calm and just loved being held. I remember how small she was and how soft she felt. For a moment I wanted to keep her but remembered that hummingbirds cannot live in captivity. So I knew I had to release her. But I woke up before I let her go. It was an amazing dream.

When I woke up I also realized what day it was today. Even though here in the USA it's 1/25, in Australia it's 1/26 which is Australia Day. 7 years ago Christian was born. Yes, Carly's Christian. So it's  a short 7 weeks until Genesis 7th birthday. I think this was the reason I had that dream. As a reminder. 

Can't believe she would have been 7. 7 years since I held her. Since I kissed her. Since I smelled her. Since I told her I loved her. She would have been in 1st grade, moving on to 2nd grade. Sigh.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A wink at the right time

I've been meaning to post this for a bit but things have been busy. 

I had previously mentioned that the little pink hummingbird that used to visit me often had gone. 

A few weeks ago I heard her familiar chirping but only this time she seems to be living in a different tree down the street. But still close enough where I could hear her. However I never saw her.

Today I heard her much closer and saw her in the old tree that she used to near in. I had been hearing her for a good portion of the morning and so finally I decided to walk outside and just enjoy her chirping.

No sooner than I walked outside she flew out of the tree and flew right by me. I had my phone and was able to snap a few pictures. And sure enough I saw that bright pink head. 
In the photo in the upper right hand corner you can see the tree she came from and eventually flew back into. And to the right you will see the spot that used to have the old tree where she used to perch on.

It certainly made my day.

I really needed a good wink and my girl knew I did. 

I had an appointment yesterday at the dr to check on D2 and while I was in the waiting room the receptionist answered the phone on speaker phone and I heard that it was a mortuary calling. Not just any mortuary. THAT mortuary. Genesis' mortuary. The lady on the phone was asking for my dr because she needed more information on "the cause". I instantly knew what they were talking about. A baby had died. And they needed more information about the cause of death. It took me right back to that day. I really didn't like hearing this while I was waiting. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

She is remembered

Went on Facebook this morning to find a surprise Valentines tribute to my girl and other March babies. Made by a BLM friend of mine. So very thoughtful. I love how Genesis is at the bottom right in the center.

Monday, January 13, 2014

A reminder

I was on Facebook and I know that we just celebrated the new years, but it seems like the early year holidays are already making the rounds online.

One of my friends posted a photo about how many day there were left until St. Patrick's Day. Totally made me think about Genesis. So I went ahead and edited the photo to fit the day that means the most to me.
Yup. Its coming up. Can't believe Im going on 7 years.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Blm mail

I'm super late with this but I got some wonderful blm mail not too long ago. This blm is just the sweetest and not only remembered Genesis but also my two very important recent life events. I appreciate this so much. One more card to add to Genesis blessing ring.

A wonderful opportunity with an unexpected reaction

I was contacted a few days ago by Hallie who represents a company called Jewelry Keepsakes. They specialize in cremation urns and memorial jewelry. She asked if I was willing to critique their product. 

Being that this was specifically related to what this blog is about: documenting life after the passing of my daughter. Documenting feelings, events... really just anything Genesis related, I felt it was fitting. I know many a BLM that has memorial jewelry and those that have yet to find that perfect piece to remember their child. 

I was given the opportunity to choose any piece of jewelry that they offer. They had hundreds of different choices. Their website claims to have over 1000 pieces to choose from. 

Hallie mentioned that she had a fondness to the photo engraved keepsakes and first pointed me in that direction. They were absolutely beautiful. However, as many of you know, I have but one photo of Genesis. A photo that I choose to keep private. Although I see the beauty in the one priceless photo I have of her, I know many have their own opinions of a photo of a child taken after they have passed. Unfortunately since she was stillborn, I didnt have the luxury of having a photo of her alive. So I didnt feel the photo engraved keepsake was an option for me as I didnt want to have that photo out in public. Even if it was around my neck. She completely understood and was very accommodating encouraging me to find something that spoke to me.


So I browsed the site and was waiting for that one piece to jump out at me. And I found it. This was what spoke to me. {pictured left} This is an urn pendant which is something I have never had nor had found one before that was as beautiful as this. According to the website, this initial "G" is rose gold over silver. It holds a pinch of ashes inside the jewelry urn and comes with the supplies you need to seal it. It also comes with a variety of different chain lengths. I choose the 30 inch {longest option} as I like to layer necklaces. 

Hallie was so very nice to rush out my delivery and provided overnight shipping. It arrived yesterday afternoon. 

If you recall, Genesis was originally placed in the urn the mortuary placed her in. I blogged about it here. Then on her 5th birthday I blogged about how I had some of her ashes moved to a new urn. The beautiful butterfly urn that I blogged about here. It was that same blog post where I also mentioned that I sprinkled some of her ashes at Garfield Park so that any time I would visit her stone I was literally visiting a piece of her as well. Even after placing her ashes in both these locations, I still had some extra left over which I decided to leave in the original urn that I was given. It came in handy for this very special piece of jewelry.


When it arrived it came with everything as promised. The 30 inch rose gold chain, the instructions on how to add the ashes and all the tools needed to do so. It was very easy to follow. And the actual pendant was gorgeous! It was even more stunning in person. It was absolutely stunning and perfect for my little girl. I had always wanted rose gold and this was my first piece. It definitely did not disappoint. The pendant and the chain felt very sturdy. Not cheaply made. It did suggest you wait 24 hours after sealing before you wear it. And not to get it wet.

However, there was one thing that I wasnt prepared for. How it would affect me emotionally. I was fine until I went and got her original urn and opened it up. I saw the bag inside containing some of her ashes. Previously I had never really looked at it. I had the mortuary transfer some ashes to her butterfly urn and I sort of just sprinkled the ashes out of the bag when I spread her ashes at Garfield Park. This was the very first time I had to look a it so that I could get a little pinch out for the pendant. As I looked at this bag filled with grey dust and a paper with Genesis name on it, I noticed something. Not all of the dust was a fine powder. There were some clumps in there. I figured it was just clumps of ash here and there. Well that was not entirely true. As I examined the bag I saw bones. Yes. Her tiny baby bones. Im no biology major so I dont know what all these bones were from, but I distinctly saw a small rib bone. I was not prepared for this. I supposed as the more fine ashes were removed from the top of the bag before and now left the heavier items behind. And now since there was so little left in the bag it was even more noticeable. At first I didnt think that I could do it. I had to take a minute to breathe and pull myself together and just do this. I was able to get a small spoon and try to grab the finest powder I could. I placed it in the provided funnel to fill the pendant but noticed even that was a bit too thick. I had to use the provided tooth picks to help push it through the funnel and into the urn. It took about 3 tries because it kept getting clogged. 

I was surprised at how much actually fit in the urn. The website said "a pinch" and thats exactly what I would call it. It wasnt very much but it was perfect for what I needed. As soon as I sealed it and put away the remaining ashes back in her original urn I just cried. My husband came by and he didnt ask any questions. He just knew it was hard for me. He just held me and let the tears fall. 

I cant tell you the odd feeling it is to be doing this in my kitchen while D and G were in the other room watching TV and I had D2 kicking in my tummy. I had my living children so close to me and their sisters ashes in my hands while doing this. It's a terrible feeling. But I love that it was for such a good cause. And now I have this beautiful piece of jewelry that speaks to me and is another way for me to physically have her with me. I think that I will wear this for our upcoming maternity shoot. That way all my kids will be present.

One thing that stood out to me was the timing of this wonderful opportunity. I am just a few weeks away from meeting my 4th child. When I was still in the hospital after giving birth to G, I received an email that I won a contest from another memorial jewelry company which I cannot recall the name. But it seems that for the last two rainbows Genesis has made her presence known by perhaps contributing to these wonderful gifts around the time of her siblings birth. Id like to think of it as a wink.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

No words

G brought this home from school today. Though the picture is upside down, it brought tears to my eyes.

And its gone

Remember this post about me having to get rid of the crib? Well after several weeks it finally sold. 

Last night I handed over the crib, piece by piece to a new wonder. I gazed at it sort of remembering the day I bought this for our first baby. The baby that would never get to use it.

I remember how it never even got taken out of the box before she died. How it sat in the box for several weeks until I decided I was going to get the nursery ready for a rainbow. I was determined. I remember the emotion that went into putting that crib together and getting the nursery finished. 

I flashed back to having my rainbows use it here and there as babies. Playing in there. Sleeping at times in there. And eventually getting so big that they would climb over the bars. 

I flashed back to D using it as a toddler bed when he became a big boy. And how proud I was that he was sleeping in his own bed. Sleeping through the night. Seeing him grow.

I got some good use out of that crib. Although one child did miss out on ever using it. 

But it is time to let it go. 

It had to be done.

The little money I got for it helps as well.

We don't have the room for it either.

And emotionally… I think I was ready to let it go too. Still a bit sad. Made me nostalgic but like I said.

It was time.

So goodbye to another little piece of what was meant for Genesis. I still have the memories. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Thoughts

Through this rainbow pregnancy I have been thinking a lot. A lot about the future. A lot about my life. A lot about the possibilities. About that "what if's" and "what may happen's".

About what my complete family would look like.

What is a complete family?

Can my family ever be complete when Genesis is not here?

The answer to all these things is: i don't know.

I will have to see where life takes me and my family.

I saw this the other day… and it really stopped me in my tracks.
{funny how the smallest of things can do that}

             
Remember this post? My foreign phrase. Daughters. Being that I am having another boy I now have the ability to say I have sons (God willing I get to bring D2 home happy and healthy). I still wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to say in every sense of the word that I have daughters.

I mean I know I do. You know I do. But you know what I mean. I want to say I have daughters and not have people judge me for counting the one that is no longer here. I want to know what its like to raise daughters. Have them grow up together. Bond. Be able to watch the younger follow the steps of the older. 

Im not sure if we will have anymore after this one. It really is 50/50 at this point. My heart wants to try again for another girl. But then there is chance it could be another boy. Which of course if I do have another boy, will be loved and cherished but of course that void of having daughters will still be there. 

Do we keep going until we have a girl? Wow… thats a loaded question. Its scary. We must be responsible here. Once again the answer is: i don't know.

For now we are focusing on the now. Have this baby. Settle with life with 3 living children. See how it is. Then go from there.

This pregnancy has been very rough on me. Pregnancies are typically not easy on me, but this one has been the worst so far. Im so so blessed that my pregnancies have not been high risk or had anything major occur. But, my pregnancies are very hard on my body. The pain is excruciating. Debilitating. And it has been for months.

Which leads me to another topic. As a BLM sometimes we are bullied or guilted into believing that we cannot "complain" about being pregnant. Trust me. I know full well that each pregnancy is a blessing. And I know how many women out there would do anything to feel these pains and get stretch marks to have a baby. I know this. And for that I do treasure each and every pregnancy. But we are only human. And cannot be expected to enjoy the pains of pregnancy. Im thankful Im pregnant. I wouldn't change it if I could. In the end it is all worth it, but in the meantime, it seriously is physical torture at times. 

We have to learn that its ok to express ourselves. It really is a coping mechanism. If I suffered in silence for all the months of disabling pain… I think my quality of life would go down and I would probably develop some sort of mood disorder. Maybe it might even contribute to postpartum blues or worse. Thats just me. Everyone is different. But I do know many BLMs who have got pregnant with their rainbows and are scared to "complain". Or once the child(ren) is(are) here, we moms get burned out. To say we are tired or need a break is looked down upon to some. Please… lets just get over ourselves. Those BLMs that feel that way, certainly are entitled to feel that way. I think before I had any rainbow I probably felt this way too. But lets not make these rainbow mamas feel guilty for being imperfect. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

Appointment update

Once again I was sitting in this waiting room for what I felt like an eternity. With every minute I was sitting there my stomach got tied tighter and tighter in knots.

Then they called my name.

They directed me to a room where I waited for the doctor.

I must say that I have not seen dr.devore in the longest. The previous visits, even with rainbow #1 and #2, another male doctor had done the ultrasound. It's still dr.devores practice but I assumed he handed the practice to one of his many sons. After all dr. Devore looked quite old.

So once again I expected the younger Devore to show up. When the door opened in walked dr. Devore sr. The original doctor Devore. 

The same older man. With the same balding head with sparse white hairs. The same blue eyes looking at me... The same everything, that told me exactly 6 years, 10 months ago... That Genesis condition was not compatible with life.

As soon as I saw him enter my heart skipped a beat. "Something must be wrong if they sent him in." This is what was going through my head. I tried to stay upbeat during the actual ultrasound. Even though all I could think about is the last time this man placed that wand on my belly he told me my child would die. He once again did the ultrasound just as rough as always. Pushing down so hard it hurt. He was still void of an actual personality. He had slightly more conversation than before but he was still more textbook than human.

Dr. Devore is what I would call an alarmist. But he does so to protect himself due to liability. He rather tell someone that something may be wrong and you have a healthy baby than to tell someone everything is fine and then something happen. 

With each rainbow pregnancy before he had told me that something MIGHT be wrong. Which caused me such worry through the remainder of each pregnancy.

This time however, I got lucky. I was 3 for 3. At all 3 appointments they have told me everything is ok. No if ands or buts. I am so thankful for that. I can now rest assured that nothing will pop up in terms of abnormalities. Of course I know that anything can happen until D2 is in my arms so I am still not at a point where I can say for sure I'm bringing home a healthy baby boy. Of course my odds get better everyday, but I know better than to get cocky now. I certainly hope for the best. 

I can't tell you what it's worth to me knowing I will not have to return to that office again for this pregnancy.

Will I ever return again for any future pregnancies? That is the big question...

The most amazing wink!

So my hubby takes G to school on his days off and most of the time they get their a bit early and they have to wait in the car until its time to go in. 

Usually G likes to get out of her seat and sit in the front with daddy and play games with him until its time to go. This is a typical thing for them. 

So one typical day, they are waiting in the car as usual. I don't know what day exactly this was but it was several weeks ago. And while she was up in the front playing with daddy he took some pictures of her (yes she loves to ham up the camera haha!). So he took some pics and forgot about them.

That is until yesterday. He was going through is photos on his phone and came across a photo that made him do a double take. He showed it to me and I also was left in awe looking at this photo.

This picture seems to have captured something. Now I know G was moving in the picture so it was blurry. And I know there is probably some sort of "photographical explanation"(is that a word?)with exposure or who knows what… But I have to tell you the first thing my mind and heart said was "this is a wink." Now I don't want to make every thing a possible sign. I don't want to make signs. They should just come to me and be evident. And Im pretty sure this one was. I shared it with a few friends and BLM groups and everyone saw the same thing.

Ok so what did we see? We saw a picture of a baby in the photo with G. And it appeared that the baby was kissing her. 

Now I have gone back and forth on weather or not I want to post this photo on the blog, because many of you know I do not post photos of my rainbows on here. However this is a big enough wink that I feel I need to share it and document it here on the blog. I have however, taken precautions and edited G's face as much as I could (NOT INCLUDING THE FACE OF THE BABY. THAT I DID NOT TOUCH)and watermarked the photo so no one can claim it as their own.

So with that, take a look at what was sent to us:

           
Incredible isn't it? After letting it sink in for a day or so I truly feel this is most definitely a wink. And Mr.M got this wink directly, not me. So this proves to me that she knows who her daddy is and also showed us that she is ever so present in our lives. Even showing her sister some love in this picture. Its just amazing.

3rd times the charm?

Today is the day.

The day for what, you may ask.

I am going back for my 3rd (and hopefully final) time to see good ol dr. devore. As I always say, I absolutely hate going there. All the flash backs, all the worries, all the possibilities of what they could find and tell me all hit me like a ton of bricks.

This is the only pregnancy in which I have been there so many times and no one can tell me why when there have been no issues or the sign of the possibility something is wrong. 

Yet here I go again to this godforsaken office. 

I can feel the worry and nerves building up inside. My appointment isn't until 3:45 so I have pretty much all day today to work myself up into a frenzy. Sigh. 

I feel like everything is fine, but just being in that office scares me to death.

Every time I am sitting in that waiting room I am praying for D2 to move and kick so that I know he is ok. As I lay waiting on that bed waiting for him to start the ultrasound I get very anxious. And them minute he picks up the ultrasound machine I tense up holding my breath wondering if he will pick up a heartbeat. Then once he sees the heartbeat I wonder if he will tell me that something doesn't look good. I tell ya, its just nonstop worry until I walk out of that office. 

So I will be back later to update on the appointment. Wish us luck.
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