I had really been lacking with saying prayers and having the kids say prayers in the past. So I made a conscious effort to really try and do more of that. D has been especially good of reminding me.
Every night the kids pray for Jehovah to remember Genesis in His Book of Life, so that we can see her again in the new system. Of course they always include Abilla too.
Tonight however, after the prayers I decided to elaborate on what prayer is for. When do we do it and so forth. I was trying to emphasize that it wasn't a wish list where we said "Give me this, I want that". Instead we would first pray because we are thankful for what we have. No matter how little we have, we still have more than others somewhere else. And for that we should be thankful. I also told them that they can ask for certain thing like courage, strength, hope and so forth.
Then we had this conversation:
D: "But mommy, when we ask Jehovah for these things we can't hear him answer us."
Me: "Thats right, but that doesn't mean that he didn't hear you. Sometimes Jehovah just answers prayers when things work out. For example, when you and G and D2 were in my tummy I prayed so hard that you guys were going to be born healthy. And you were, right? So you understand?"
D: "Yeah. But mommy, you should have prayed for Genesis to be healthy too."
My heart broke right then and there. Thank goodness the light was off so they didn't see my tears falling. I tried not to let them hear it in my voice. I explained that I did but sometimes not everything we pray for works out or will happen. But that doesn't mean to stop praying. Sigh.
This kid is too smart.
Lord knows I prayed so hard. Especially after they told me the AFP test was positive. I prayed and prayed like a mad woman. I had such hope and faith.
But just like D learned... sometimes prayer isn't enough.
I wish it was.... I wish it was.
I miss you sweet girl.