Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hello November

And my BLM new year has arrived. This November begins 8 years. I can't believe it. It both feels like just yesterday and an eternity ago. Sigh.

Also a few days ago my brother in law and his fiancé announced she is pregnant. Going on 8 years out and 3 rainbow babies later.. Pregnancy announcements still stop me dead in my tracks. Instant panic and anxiety attack. No I'm not happy for people. Especially non loss people. I hate that I feel this was but I do. It doesn't matter if you're family, related by marriage, a co worker or a stranger... Every announcement hits me the same for non loss people. 
1 in 4 people will suffer pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4. I know a few prego people and in my head I put them in a lineup and think... Statistically one of these babies won't make it. It's really hard for me to be happy for people. I unexpectedly spent some time with the mom to be yesterday and she was talking to others about all these future plans. The sleepless nights, the diapers, the cousin play dates... You know... The same dreams I once had that came crashing down. And I just sat there quietly without saying a word. She announced her pregnancy so early. Roughly 6 weeks. We all know anything can happen.... But I'm not going to scare her or burst her bubble. She is so naive... Like we all once were. After all it's her first. She is like I once was. You see those two pink likes and think you're automatically going to bring home a baby. God do I know better. Sigh. Even my husband was a bit nervous asking if she should be taking folic acid like me. To which I said well a basic prenatal should be fine but extra folic acid wouldn't hurt. He said he wanted to tell her to get started if she isn't already. His heart is in a beautiful place. I was like him once too. Wanting to warn people and possibly save a baby's life. But people don't like being told what to do in pregnancy or in decision making for children. And when I tried to do that before it fell on deaf ears and people would say that I was paranoid and looked at me like I was crazy or something. I learned to bite my tongue unless specifically asked something. I told my husband some things unfortunately people need to learn on their own. And I hope that it doesn't come at a heavy cost like it did for me. 

Speaking of specifically being asked something... This mom to be was of course talking about old wives tales and genders and asked me if it was true for such and such for boys and true for such cases and such for girls for my pregnancies. I told her that particular effect did not happen to me for my girls. Yes I said "girls" but I don't think she caught on. This is the first time I have hinted at the fact that I have daughters with my in laws. Marlon has told them about Genesis but I have never mentioned it. Sigh. Which leads me to my next biggest anxiety attack.

If these people end up having girls. I can't handle baby girl pregnancies or hearing about it. I hate seeing them buy pink and talking about these plans. I hate the baby names (God forbid they even hint at using Genesis), the pink baby shower. I can't do any of it. I can't. And when the baby is here I just can't hold it. I just cannot even think of it. It's too much for me. 

I have held 2 baby girls (aside from G) since Genesis died. Ththe first, I was pregnant with D and a friend of the family had a baby girl. I sobbed uncontrollably while holding that baby. All I could think of was that I should have had this with Genesis. The second time was when G was maybe a year old my cousin had a daughter. This one was easier for me but still hard. I couldn't hold her more than a couple minutes. I haven't held another one since. It's too much on my heart. I don't n ow why every pregnancy and every baby girl has to remind me of the baby that never went to term. The baby girl I never brought home. Why can't I think of one of my rainbows? It's just too much for my heart. 


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