Saturday, November 29, 2014

A Special Photo and Random Bits

My computer crashed a few weeks ago. I noticed that it was running slower and slower and I just knew it was only a matter of time before it crashed. I did back up most of my stuff to an external hard drive (the computer tanked during the backup so I may have lost stuff). Anyways, I got a new computer and Im slowing putting the stuff back on here and finding lots and lots of old photos that I totally forgot about. This is one of those photos. A true treasure.
This photo was taken on 5/29/2007. Genesis had just passed away about 2 months prior. I was already wearing my "mother ring" necklace and I actually have my Genesis bracelet on as well. My first husband and I were actually coming back from a trip to Monterey for our 3 year wedding anniversary and I wanted to stop by to see my grandma on the way home. At this point her alzheimer's was already progressing. I don't think she ever even remembered that I was pregnant to begin with. I didn't have the heart to remind her only to tell her that the baby died. 

This is also the same visit in which one of my cousins saw my bracelet and asked me what it said. I explained it said Genesis, my daughters name. And she said with this look of disgust "Daughter?!...." The pain was so raw I couldn't even look her in her eyes. The tears welled up and I said "yes, she is still my daughter even though she didn't live long." And that was that. Sigh. Anyway, I had totally forgotten that I had taken this picture with my late grandma. God I miss her. At this point she had a little more than 5 years left. Sigh. Had I only known. I probably would have visited her more. 

In other news, I have been thinking more and more about my chemical pregnancy. As mentioned before, a medium told me it was a little girl. I always felt it my gut it was a girl too. Although I still struggle with connecting with this type of loss... I feel I am getting better. It is still completely different than losing Genesis. I still need time to mediate and to sift through feelings and emotions and figure out how I feel about this all. And Its probably going to be something that evolves just like my grief for Genesis. Its just a totally different ballpark. Part of me wants to name her but the other part isn't sure Im ready for that. Time will tell. 

And last but not least... Again totally random, I wanted to share something about my husband. When I was dating my husband the first time I went to his house I saw something outside that convinced me it was a sign. A sign that he is the one for me and it was meant to be. His dad had a work van parked in the front and there was something painted on the van. He didn't have it out on... He bought the van like that and never removed it. What is it? This.

Do you see what I see? Yeah you do. 3:16. 3/16. Her birthdate. Like seriously what are the odds?! So seeing this gave me a good feeling knowing that this was supposed to happen. And sure enough I ended up marrying the most amazing man ever. 

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