Friday, August 22, 2014

Rainbows

So this last Monday we had our family photos with our Genesis bear. I have not seen all the pics yet. But I did get one photo sent to me as a preview. As always, I dont like publicly sharing photos of the rainbows but this was too cute not to share. So look past the stickers and just focus on what this photo represents.
Seriously. Does this not bring you to tears? This is as close to a photo as I will ever get with all of them together. Sigh.

Which brings me to my next topic. I created the photo here to the left today as part of the #yogagirlchallenge. Today's challenge was to be creative. So this is me doing something that I have wanted to do for a while. 

Obviously rainbows have a huge meaning to me. Some people thing that by having a rainbow baby, you somehow get over the child you lost. As if somehow children can replace children. There also is this stigma that you should only have a certain timeframe to grieve. Well I'll be hitting 8 years in March. My grief has evolved over time and will continue to do so throughout the rest of my life. The tears dont fall as often. But I do have moments that break my heart all over again. The "should have's" that remind me. And that terrible question of "how many kid do you have" that I never know how to answer. Child loss is a loss unlike any other. A husband that loses a wife is a widow. I child that looses its parents is an orphan. But a parent that looses child... there is no word for that. That's how terrible of a loss that is. And its something that a parent will NEVER get over. So yes I have 4 children. 3 I hold in my arms and 1 I hold in my heart. You cant have the rainbow without the storm...BUT it doesnt mean the storm never happened. So despite how many rainbow I have now or have in the future, I will always be missing my first daughter Genesis. 

On to a totally different topic. The other day my mom and I were talking. Something we dont do often. And she brought up how she feels socially awkward and how she has anxiety. I told her that there was a time when I went through the same thing. I still struggle at times with it but its not debilitating like with my mom. So I was trying to comfort her and let her know that she wasnt alone and that I knew where she was coming from to an extent. I went on to explain how when you loose a child people sort of make you an outcast. They stop talking to you. You dont know how to act around them... all you BLMs know what Im talking about. Well she cut me off and told me "you really need to stop that... stop this Genesis thing." I was taken aback and was like what are you talking about. She started in so many words to tell me to get over it. I stopped her right there. Fighting back the tears I told her I will never stop speaking my daughter's name even though some people cant handle me talking about her. I love all my children the same and will live every last day I have left telling her story. Speaking her name. Loving her. My mom tried to imply I misunderstood or something saying "no thats not what Im saying..." and went on to once again tell me to get over it in a different set of words. At that point I just had to excuse myself and leave. 

Im not sure why I keep talking to her. Perhaps because I live in the building they own. Sigh. My mom and I dont talk much as she is emotionally unstable and she can crack at any moment if even looked at the wrong way. So I let her be. That way I cant be blamed for anything. Right? No. She finds a way to blame me for stuff still. Sigh. I have not been able to look at my mom in the eyes for years. Probably since she attacked me while I was pregnant with D. She made it worse through the years when she attacked me again when I was pregnant with G and went so far as to punch me in the stomach and spit in my face. Even calling the cops on me after she assaulted me. I refused to press charges then. And then it got worse as she told me that G was a mistake and that I shouldnt have had her. And how after each child I have she tells me not to have anymore. I going to share something I have not shared before on here. I had a good childhood in terms of living in a nice neighborhood, going on vacations, going to the best schools and so forth. However when it came to discipline my parents were very strict. Mostly my mom. When we got spanked, we got beat. Bad. With any object that would be in arms reach. A shoe, a belt, a wooden spoon... you get the idea. While many believe this to be a good form of discipline, I disagree. I had nightmares for years that I was running from my mother. She was chasing me trying to hit me. Hurt me. Punish me. I would wake up crying in a cold sweat in my dreams. These dreams followed me into my mid 20's and beyond. Its been about 5 years or so since I have had any of these dreams. But I honestly believe that I was traumatized by what I went through. Im not stating this to get pity or to get her in trouble. It simply aided in making me who I am today... and what to NOT do with my own children. But I think that was the beginning of the damage to our relationship. It only grew and escalated through the years. 

At any rate, Im just getting this out of my system and just venting here on my little ol blog. Releasing this negativity. Thats another reason I dont like being around her. Her negativity and drama bring me down and Im looking for the exact opposite. Her energy is toxic and I cant be around it for too long. 

But as far as my mom and Genesis go... I dont plan to bring up Genesis anytime soon. Or really talk to her for that matter.

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