What I thought I knew.
How I see life.
The list goes on.
But after she died, even after my first rainbow, I would see the world in color no more. Just shades of grey. I was thrilled I had a rainbow but I dont think I could honestly say I was happy. Is there such a thing as being happy after your child dies? I would have never thought so.
But as time went on my thought process changed.
My interpretation changed.
My vision changed.
Im continually changing.
Going through the things I went through, not just losing Genesis... but everything thereafter, has honestly made me wise beyond my years.
I have learned to see the miracles in the smallest things.
Find beauty in the most lost places.
See the light in the darkest of times.
Know the value in even the smallest thing.
I treasure everything.
Life is a gift.
Everyday is a gift.
And I am blessed. Yes, lets say that again. I am blessed.
I AM BLESSED.
Blessed beyond what I ever imagined I could gain in life.
I have become more spiritual rather than religious. Though dont automatically label me as not believing in God or belonging to a certain faith or practice. What I have evolved into is not something that can fall into one category. Its a collection of beliefs and practices that feels right for me. For my family. For life. And its a ever growing knowledge of what is right for me.
I am so blessed to say that I feel as though I am in a place in my life where I am enlightened. I have found enlightenment. I wish to continue that and enhance it.
I am more connected to my soul. To Mother Earth and nature. I am increasingly more sensitive to my intuition. I am learning to go with my gut.
I am trying very hard not to care what others think of me... after all its none of my business. I am following my own path, not that which others expect me to walk. I am being true to me. After all, this is my life. No one else's. And when this life comes to an end I dont want to have any regrets.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have found this level of enlightenment at such a relatively young age. Some people will go their whole lives not knowing this feeling and the thought of that makes me so sad. To not know this incredible experience and feeling... this way of life. But I am not taking this gift for granted and thats why I am pursuing what my intuition tells me that I need to do.
I feel that I could have never gotten here had it not been for the experience of Genesis. Her death was not in vain. Now Im not saying her death was a blessing. Im not saying Im glad she died or that things are better this way. Trust me if I could bring her back I would. In a heartbeat. However we all know thats not the way things work.
What I am saying is that this event happened.
My daughter died.
She could not be saved.
There was nothing I could do to have prevented it.
Shit just happens.
This is the beauty that comes from the ashes. And better to have beauty rise from the dust than to let that fire leave negativity and distruction lingering for eternity over her death and have nothing good come from it.
I choose to see the positivity.
I choose to see the light.
I choose to realize that her death was not in vain.
I choose to recognize that I grew from this experience.
And for that, I am a better person.
7 years out and I can now feel her presence through the blessings that have been bestowed upon my family and I. Its not just in one aspect but all.
At any rate.... I leave you all with this last quote that sums me up in a nutshell:
"then, she began to breathe, and live, and every moment took her to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by. she was in love, but not in love with someone or something, she was in love with her life. and for the first time, in a long time, everything was inspiring.
~ r.m. drake