Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Return to Zero part 2

I watched RTZ for th second time this past weekend. It aired on lifetime so I was able to watch it in the comfort of my own home. I saw a few things I hasn't noticed at the premiere. I was able to process things fully and let the enormity of this movie hit me. Bringing me back to THAT day. I cried big sloppy tears and had a horrible cry hangover. I was able to open a discussion with the rainbows who caught glimpses of the movie here and there.

Before it aired, I called my mom and told her it was going to be on in 30 min and if she wanted to she could watch. I honestly thought she wasn't going to watch. To my surprise she did and she watched all of it. She had great things to say about it. It also opened up a discussion for us.

In the movie, baby Aurthur was taken from his parents and placed in a box. Per Sean, the director, this is a true account of what happened with their son Norburt. He said that when the nurse came back to take him she took off his hat, unwrapped him, undressed him and placed him in a raggedy card board box in front of the parents. I cannot even fathom that. As Sean discussed this other blms added that similar tho bra had happened to them. Plastic sheets and baby body bags were mentioned. And then it dawned on me.

I don't know what they took Genesis in. When Genesis was being born I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes the whole delivery. I didn't want to see her. I was so scared of what she would look like. I don't want to remember her like that. So I never saw her. I didn't see what they placed her in nor did I see what she looked like freshly born. I only remember that the umbilical cord was so thin they didn't need to cut it. It just ripped as she was separated from me. So today I asked my mom. She told me they had a little bin, sort of like a rectangular container that had towels in it. When she was born they put her in it and covered her with a blanket. It's been 7 years and I only JUST found out this information. Wow. I think they did treat her with dignity because the one photo I do have of her she had a little hat on and a tiny shirt. 

When I did see her for the first time two days later at the mortuary, I think they also treated her with care. I honestly cannot remember details. I was on auto pilot and survival mode back then. But I believe she was wrapped in a blanket and I think she had a hat on as well. Either that or the blanket was covering her head. I remember this because I wanted to see her little head and my then husband wouldn't let me. I also wanted to hold her but once again he didn't let me. I'm not sure why he didn't let me. I think he thought she was too fragile or something. Maybe he was in shock too. I'm not sure.

That's another thing that I realized in watching this film. As supportive as Marlon is he isn't a baby loss dad. The one person that went through it with me is no longer with me. In the days and weeks and few months he was here (before he left me) after Genesis died, I don't really recal speaking about her. I know right after we left the mortuary we went to eat and the restaurant left a survey on the table and one of the questions was do you have kids, if so how many? I remember looking up at him with tears in my eyes and he told me to put that I had one child. Then the other occasion I can recall I told him I wanted to get a memorial tattoo for her and he wouldn't let me. Aside from those two instances I can't recall mentioning her.  

Through my conversation with my mom it also brought up her very own still born child. She never knew the gender. She still doesn't want to know. She is more attached to Genesis than her own child. I wonder if I had another brother or sister. I actually remember going to one of her doctor appoinents with her and she got an ultrasound. I must have been about 5 years old. Crazy to think I would have a 25 year old sibling had the baby lived. My mom however does have a saved ultrasound from that baby. I'm happy for that. 

Anyway this has all brought a lot of emotions out and I have really been missing her. 

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