Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Thoughts

Through this rainbow pregnancy I have been thinking a lot. A lot about the future. A lot about my life. A lot about the possibilities. About that "what if's" and "what may happen's".

About what my complete family would look like.

What is a complete family?

Can my family ever be complete when Genesis is not here?

The answer to all these things is: i don't know.

I will have to see where life takes me and my family.

I saw this the other day… and it really stopped me in my tracks.
{funny how the smallest of things can do that}

             
Remember this post? My foreign phrase. Daughters. Being that I am having another boy I now have the ability to say I have sons (God willing I get to bring D2 home happy and healthy). I still wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to say in every sense of the word that I have daughters.

I mean I know I do. You know I do. But you know what I mean. I want to say I have daughters and not have people judge me for counting the one that is no longer here. I want to know what its like to raise daughters. Have them grow up together. Bond. Be able to watch the younger follow the steps of the older. 

Im not sure if we will have anymore after this one. It really is 50/50 at this point. My heart wants to try again for another girl. But then there is chance it could be another boy. Which of course if I do have another boy, will be loved and cherished but of course that void of having daughters will still be there. 

Do we keep going until we have a girl? Wow… thats a loaded question. Its scary. We must be responsible here. Once again the answer is: i don't know.

For now we are focusing on the now. Have this baby. Settle with life with 3 living children. See how it is. Then go from there.

This pregnancy has been very rough on me. Pregnancies are typically not easy on me, but this one has been the worst so far. Im so so blessed that my pregnancies have not been high risk or had anything major occur. But, my pregnancies are very hard on my body. The pain is excruciating. Debilitating. And it has been for months.

Which leads me to another topic. As a BLM sometimes we are bullied or guilted into believing that we cannot "complain" about being pregnant. Trust me. I know full well that each pregnancy is a blessing. And I know how many women out there would do anything to feel these pains and get stretch marks to have a baby. I know this. And for that I do treasure each and every pregnancy. But we are only human. And cannot be expected to enjoy the pains of pregnancy. Im thankful Im pregnant. I wouldn't change it if I could. In the end it is all worth it, but in the meantime, it seriously is physical torture at times. 

We have to learn that its ok to express ourselves. It really is a coping mechanism. If I suffered in silence for all the months of disabling pain… I think my quality of life would go down and I would probably develop some sort of mood disorder. Maybe it might even contribute to postpartum blues or worse. Thats just me. Everyone is different. But I do know many BLMs who have got pregnant with their rainbows and are scared to "complain". Or once the child(ren) is(are) here, we moms get burned out. To say we are tired or need a break is looked down upon to some. Please… lets just get over ourselves. Those BLMs that feel that way, certainly are entitled to feel that way. I think before I had any rainbow I probably felt this way too. But lets not make these rainbow mamas feel guilty for being imperfect. 

1 comments:

TanaLee Davis said...

Amen! I appreciate this post for its honesty and freedom it provides for BLMs to be REAL. I felt I couldn't complain when I wanted to just because I felt it would hurt others but the truth is any BLM at one point or another is/will or has felt this way. Thank you for speaking out. Im glad your rainbow #3 is healthy at this point and I pray that its arrival will be smooth and a happy experiance for you and your growing family.
~Felicia

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