Thursday, November 28, 2013

7 Thanksgivings ago….

Today not only am I thankful for what I do have, not only do I look back at my growth, but I also recall Thanksgiving 2006 and the memories I have from that day.


There I was, standing in my bathroom, holding this test in my hands and seeing the word PREGNANT on it. My hand was shaking. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror and seeing the look of shock in my face. I turned white. I could not believe that I was pregnant especially after only one month of trying. I kept thinking "omg there is a living thing, a baby, inside of me right now. omg." I was so young and naive. 

I was so over the mood that I wanted to tell everyone right then and there. And thats exactly what I did. I went next-door to my parents house and burst into the door saying  "GUESS WHAT?! YOU'RE GOING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!!" Everyone but my dad caught on right away. He simply replied with "huh, what?" And I just blurted out "IM GOING TO HAVE A BABY!" I honestly believed that once you were pregnant, you were going to give birth to a bouncing baby 9 nine months later. The word miscarriage or stillbirth did not even cross my mind.


Immediately my family threw an impromptu party.
My mother rushed to the store just before the bakery closed and bought a cake. The lady rushed to write "Congratulations" on it just before they closed. My mother also bought us our first baby item. Genesis first gift. A yellow bib that says "Daddy's Little Star". She also bought a bouquet of roses. And my siblings made some very cute fruit arrangements while my dad brought out a bottle of sparkling apple cider. We were all so very excited. 

{Ex husband blurred for privacy}




We had no idea what was in store.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Another wink

I was in the shower yesterday and I saw this wink on the shower door:
A perfect letter "g". Seriously amazing.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Something Awesome

I was looking through the stats on my blog and saw a referring URL that I had not seen before. This is the link that it referenced. This is a Wikipedia page for someone named Chris Douridas. I read that name out loud several times. Douridas. I knew that name but didn't quite remember the connection or how I knew it. 

So I tried to google his name and before I could finish one of the search filters was "Chris Douridas Daughter". So I selected it and then I made the connection. Her name appeared in big letters across my computer screen.
Marieke Douridas. I knew who that was. Back when I found out about the children's memorial and healing garden in south pasadena, I came to know the lady that worked so hard to make this beautiful garden happen. Her name is Mieke. And I came to know of Marieke through her because this was her daughter. So now Chris Douridas is her husband and Marieke's father. It all came together.

But as I was looking through his Wikipedia page I found he is very well established in the entertainment industry. Working with some very big names. Working on some well known projects. Making a very accomplished resume and listed on some very well known websites. And I know anyone can edit profiles on Wikipedia, but someone who came across my blog, across Genesis story, and someone who knew of Chris and Marieke and their story felt it was appropriate to reference this blog on his Wikipedia page.

Wow.

I mean, seriously, wow.

Next to mentioning very big movies he worked with, and well known people like Steve Jobs, and next to references from Grammy.com and latimes.com, was my very humble blog about Genesis and my story. 

I was seriously shocked. Moved. Stunned. And over all so very thankful and humbled by it. I really dont have any more words to express myself. I simply find it amazing. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Time for a happy list

I have not done one of these in a while. Looks like my average is one a year. What a terrible track record. I really need to be doing this more often. 

Anyway here is a recent happy list of 10 more random things that make me happy:

1. Topping today's list is my husband. There was a time where I never thought I would get remarried. I wasn't against the idea but I just thought no one would want me with two kids. Many people see that as a lot of baggage. But I have been blessed to meet the love of my life and have an opportunity to do this again. The way it should have been to begin with. Not only is he a husband but a fantastic father to D & G. And we have an itty bitty rainbow (D2) on the way as well. I would have never guessed that things would happen like this. And I feel so very blessed for it all.

2. I have always loved collecting rocks. Not just any rocks. Pretty ones. When I was younger it was just about how pretty it was. But now I also value the properties it holds. Healing stones, fertility stones, stones for meditation. Some of my favorites are any type of crystal, opal and moon stone. 





3. Pregnancy makes me happy. Of course that includes any pregnancy I go through, but really this is just pregnancy in general. Thats one of the reasons I became a doula. It just fascinates me. The ability to grow a baby human and nurture it. And all the different ways that baby can be brought into the world. And also how strong we women are to go through something so monumental as childbirth. 




4. I love ombre anything. I loved ombre before it was called ombre. I honestly didn't know what to call it way back when. So I used to just say "different shades of the same color" or "color gradients". Now that there is a name to it, it just makes me find more possibilities to ombre anything and everything.






5. I love native american print. I just love it on any and everything. On clothes, decor, art, jewelry. You name it I love it. I find it absolutely gorgeous and it just is so visually pleasing to me.









6. I absolutely adore red hair. Well not so much RED red. More of a maroon/ burgundy color. It's my favorite color to be. I don't do it as often as I like for a few reasons. First, like the photo to the right, you'll see its a pretty bold red. I can never seem to achieve the perfect shade of red. It always seems to come out darker than I would like. And second, even if I do get a shade that Im ok with, it never lasts long enough. Red fades so quickly and dying it so much to keep the color is quite damaging. Still a very beautiful color.



7. I LOVE ALPHONSE MUCHA. He is one of my favorite artists. His style of art is very art nouveau. So elegant. Graceful. Feminine. I swoon over his art. There is something so peaceful and classic to his pieces. I also love Alphonse Mucha inspired art. Just something about that style. 







8. Succulents. There is something so timeless about succulents. So peaceful. So simple. So organic. I just love them. I especially love the ones with purple tones. I also like the fact that they don't need a lot of care. 






9. Tattoos. I have an admiration of tattoos. Not your typical skull and roses tattoos. There are some absolutely beautiful tattoos. It really can be art. And so expressive to put it on your body. So far I only have two tattoos. They are names in memory of my loved ones so they are not too artistic. If I had the nerve and if there ever came a time that I didn't care about the judgement of others I would probably cover myself in artwork. I just hate the stigma that comes with people with many/ visible tattoos. Its unfortunate. 






10. Candles. Who doesn't like candles? Im not a big fan of the holiday scented candles, mostly because Im allergic to many fragrances and will get an immediate migraine. Im ok with certain smells like I have a mango candle that is just delightful. Vanilla is amazing too. I love all shapes and sizes. I don't discriminate. Bring on the color as well. I have more candles than I know what to do with. Many are in storage. I especially love having them in clusters like in the photo to the left. Though thats not really doable in my home anymore as its not very child friendly. Still gorgeous to look at. I dream of my future home with a fireplace that will stacked with thick candles of various sizes and instead of lighting a fire with firewood, I would simply light all the candles. How romantic. And snuggling to that on a rainy day would be amazing. 

So there you have 10 more things I love. I hope to have another one of these posts soon. Until next time.

Amazing

I dont get very many comments on the blog anymore, so any time I do Im a little surprised. Yesterday I got the most lovely comment. Check this out:

I have just got to tell you. This made my day. I mean, look. This blog is about a pretty specific topic that targets a pretty specific audience. Of course as mentioned before, this is (as of right now) a public blog for all to read. Although of course the majority would probably be those that are walking the same/similar paths. 

But I especially love it when I know I have supporters/readers/followers that are not BLMs. Its amazing to me that someone who doesn't connect on that subject, but still follows my journey and even shares "Winks" with me. I was just overjoyed and so moved to receive this comment. I am also very humbled by the fact that our story is important enough to be remembered by others and even remembered in their day to day lives when they see her name. This is seriously just so amazing to me. 

So to each and everyone of you out there stumbling upon this blog. Weather you are a long time follower, drop in from time to time, have stopped by once, comment or just read along... thank you for making the time to listen to my story and know about my sweet Genesis. It means the world to me. And I don't think it odd if you do these things are you are not BLM. I find it miraculous. So bless you all for your thoughts, your support and your encouragement. Weather or not you tell me that you thought of us, or have dropped by the blog, I can feel your love. 

And for that I am grateful.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A sudden wink

I just posted a comment on one of my BLM friends blogs and this came up:
Its not so much about the word but the numbers. 3 and 16. Genesis birthday. Yup. No doubt that was a wink for mama. 

Oh and before I forget, this morning on my drive to work I saw a shooting star. Always magical when I see one of those. 

Ive been thinking

Ive been thinking about my chemical pregnancy. 

I blogged about it here.

I have sort of an inner struggle about how I feel about it. 

Chemical pregnancies are confusing, at least for me. One of the first signs that you are pregnant (aside from a positive test) is missing your period. And I didn't have that with my chemical pregnancy. From what I have read, its typical to get your period on time or a day or so late with a chemical pregnancy. And Miss Flow came right on time for me. 

All I had were the very faint positive tests. And when I say faint I mean REALLY faint. I had to edit the photos in order for it to show in a picture. Even in person I had to squint, turn it at certain angles and but on x-ray goggles... ok ok not so much the last one, but you get what Im trying to say. So part of me feels like I wanted to see a positive. Maybe it was an evaporated line and I took it as a positive. There are so many maybes. 

So many doubts.

I am very passionate about advocating for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness, and a chemical pregnancy is no doubt one type of pregnancy loss. I however just had/ have no attachment to it. I don't grieve that loss. I didn't have time to bond. I didn't have time to let it sink in. To accept it. I doubted it from the moment that I saw the potential two lines. I never really got excited. 

And for all of the above stated reactions, I feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. Because wasn't it I who said that I become Genesis mom at conception? That life begins at conception? Yes it was me. I do believe that. I still do. But why is this the exception? I suppose its because I don't have any solid proof that I was indeed pregnant. Yes I saw two lines. But how real were those lines? was it a defective test? So many what ifs. I cannot know for sure that I was indeed pregnant. 

I suppose one day I will know for sure.

But lets say there was a way to tell and I was confirmed to be pregnant and it was a confirmed chemical pregnancy. I still sort of feel the same way. Even if I was a week late or so I think I would still feel the same way. 

And again for that I feel awful. 

If I was indeed pregnant then that child is as much mine as any child. Yet I don't say that Im pregnant with baby #5. I just cant bring myself to say that. Im sorry but these are my true feelings. 

I really don't have a real explanation why. I just do. And I just came here to vent and let it out.

I suppose maybe if I choose to have another reading in the future I may get a surprised from this baby from the chemical pregnancy. Maybe thats the bond I need to count it. I have no idea. 

Like most things, time will tell.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Its coming together now

So I went back and read this past post about the reading I had with a medium where Abilla and Genesis both came through. One thing that was mentioned in the reading was something about the 18th. This reading was done last November and this date did not mean anything to me at that time. She said to write it down and see if it makes sense later. And it totally does now. Remember this post sharing the exciting news of my engagement? He proposed on the 18th of May. 6 months after I had that reading. Wow. It seriously is coming together. She also said I would get pregnant and I did. But I still dont know what the 10th is for. Maybe D2 will be born on the 10th. We will see.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

A wink

Yesterday when picking up G from school I saw this hanging in the hallway:
What are the odds. Made my heart skip a beat to see Genesis name. And did you notice the heart in the tree? Yea a wink for sure.

Friday, November 1, 2013

We meet again

Another November has arrived. My BLM calendar starts yet again. This time to year 7. Wow. 7 Novembers ago I became a mom for the first time. I hope me mentioning the same things every year isn't boring to you. My kind goes back there every year. It's nice to document how I feel and how far I've come. Not to mention all the emotions that I feel. I await the big day on Thanksgiving Day to hit yet another anniversary. 
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