Thursday, October 31, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 31

31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of MabyLoss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 30

30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?

I have most definitely grown. I feel that when I got pregnant with Genesis I was a young 20 something year old mom not knowing what to do with raising a child. I now feel I am a grown adult and provider for my children. Making informed and knowledgable decisions for my children.  I have matured. I see the world differently. Its a very scary place. Anything can happen. Your life can change in the blink of an eye. But at the same time the world is a very beautiful place. There is beauty everywhere. You have to look for it and appreciate it all. For it may not be there tomorrow. Im not sure about me having a higher purpose. I didn't know what my purpose was here before Genesis. After having her, I know that my purpose is to be a mother. To love all my children for the rest of my life. Im not sure if Genesis had a higher purpose. Perhaps it was to teach me how to be a mother, or appreciate life, and understand my purpose. Im not sure. Either way she did all those things and more for me.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 29

29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?

Not only Carly and the BLM community but myself. Because I have allowed myself to grieve and remember her the way I want to, the way I NEED to despite the judgements of others. Also teaching the rainbows and Marlon about Genesis and hearing them mention her daily. It is so very healing. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 28

28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?

I had Genesis' name added to the Children's Healing and Memorial Garden at Garfield Park in South Pasadena. This was my childhood park growing up and I had moved away for many years. Only to come back years after Genesis had died to see they had this memorial garden. I just knew that she had to be added to it.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 27

27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?

I have seen signs or winks as I like to call them. Not just me but those in my family as well. We have felt the presence of a child in the house. We have seen odd things happen and felt things happen. I am certain it is her.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 26

26. Community: What does this community mean to you?

Plain and simple. Had I not found this community I don't I would have survived this the way that I have. It has been a life savor.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 25

25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

My personal cause is to bring awareness to anencephaly and to folic acid during pregnancy. I hope that one day there is a cure or treatment for this condition.

In terms of pregnancy and infant loss awareness in general, I hope to someday erase the taboo behind the subject. I think it is very important for a mother to speak her child's name without judgment if that is what she wants to do. We should not be afraid of other peoples reactions. You have the right to keep their memory alive and to love them for as long as you live.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 24

24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.

I purchased this from Fran when she was still doing her art. It's so gorgeous. 
This sculpture was one of the first piece of art I purchased in memory of Genesis. My family now looks a lot different. But this still holds a special place in my heart.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 23

23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.

My memorial tattoo for Genesis
My most treasured piece of jewelry. It has her name written. The "I" is dotted with her birthstone.
I bought a matching mother/daughter set for Genesis before she was born. I wore it when I said hello and goodbye at the mortuary. Of course she was so small she couldn't wear it as a bracelet. Instead I laid it over her body while I wore mine and promised her that one day her big sister would wear it.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 22

22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 21

21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

I was involved for a bit with the Los Angles Walk To Remember. I have made donations to the hospital that Genesis was born in. I have created a blog where I write the names of babies that have gone too soon to help grieving parents. 

I live life to the fullest appreciating all the small things. I appreciate all blessings even the smallest ones. I don't take anything for granted. I take being a mother to living kids as an honor and privilege and take that job very seriously. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 20

20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

I have many hopes for the future. I hope that they find a cure or treatment for anencephaly. I hope through awareness they are able to change that 1 in 4 statistic of pregnancy and infant loss. I hope that those that are unfortunate enough to join this club find the support that I have found. On a personal note, I hope that there is a day that I wont have to remind my family to remember Genesis. I wish it would just come as naturally as remembering a living child. And I do hope and pray that one day I will be blessed with another daughter so that I can have the opportunity to rase daughters just as I was initially supposed to. Over all, I hope that women speak more freely about their loss. I hope to someday have the taboo associated with loss erased. All babies, even those no longer with us deserved to be loved, remembered and talked about.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 19

19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?
This post has got to give credit to Carly. It was her blog, to write their names on the sand that introduced me to the BLM community and the support within it. If it wasn't for Carly and her blog Im not sure where I would be right now. I think I would be in a terrible place. And I know Carly did this all for her little boy Christian. So I supposed he is the one to thank for inspiring his mama. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 18

18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

Im not sure that I want to let go of anything. I think more than anything I do this to remember her and to hang on to what I do have. To remind myself of the memories I did get to have.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 17

17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.

6 years. 7 months. 1 day.

A doctor update

So as I blogged about before, on October 15th I also had an appointment with Dr. Devore. 

I really hate sitting in this waiting room not knowing what awaits me on the other side of that door.

This appointment was a little easier than the last but I was still holding my breath while they were doing the ultrasound. D2 was not cooperating so they asked me to go walk around in the lobby to see if I could get him to move. We went back up and he had moved. They were able to see his heart and confirm that everything looked good. Thank goodness. But they needed to take one more measurement of his facial features but he would not stop covering his face and then he finally turned his back to us. 

During the ultrasound Marlon asked the doctor what we were looking at. The doctor seemed annoyed and didn't reply right away. When he finally replied he said "You don't have to understand what Im doing." Wow. I was shocked that he was so incredibly rude. If he was my normal OB I would have fired him.

Anyway since D2 was not cooperating guess who has to come back in another 2 weeks to get facial measurements? Yep. So this will make 3 times in this god forsaken office this pregnancy. I hate going there.

At least D2 gave us a thumbs up <3

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 16

16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?

Because of my religious views I don't celebrate holidays so I don't hold them as special times of the year and what I could have been doing with Genesis. However, there are holidays that do trigger me based on the fact that they are associated with her anniversary dates.

Thanksgiving Day because that is the day that I found out I was pregnant with her .

St. Patricks Day because she was born the day before St. Patricks Day, and when she was born I saw these decorations all over the maternity ward.

I do sort of dread those seasons now because it does bring me back to that time again. My heart is heavier. But they are also more meaningful because I remember her through them.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 15

15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Every year more than 30,000 babies are lost in pregnancy and early infancy. Today we remember all those tiny lives lost too soon.

Today is even more difficult for me as I have my follow up appointment for D2 with Dr. Devore... again. Like I have mentioned before, I just HATE being in that office again. Even though I have been there twice with good news (hopefully today makes three times), I still remember those words echoing down the hallway... "not compatible with life..." It's not that thats what I choose to remember. That office is just a trigger for me. And I HATE that I have to be there on October 15th of all days. It just has a bad connotation with me. 

On top of that, today is my nephew's 6th birthday. Smh. He was born on this sad day as well. He and Genesis should be the same age. Makes me very very sad that he is acknowledged as the first grandchild in our family even though he was in fact the second. Sort of just makes the sting to the pain that much worse. 

Anyway, I look forward to observing the Wave Of Light later on this evening. Photos to come. 

Sending you all love on this day.

We will never forget.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 14

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.
I have come a long way since Genesis died. So has life. At the time I was married to my ex husband. Genesis was our first. Shortly after she died we decided to try again. We got pregnant in just two tries and within 2 weeks of finding out we were pregnant again he left me. Through the next few months we started the divorce process, and I had to get used to the thought of now being a single mom. Something I had never envisioned. Around my 5th month of pregnancy I lost my job and now I was an unemployed single mom to be. I was terrified. Somehow I made it and was unemployed until my first rainbow (D) was 7 months old. I finally had a job. I was able to stand on my own two feet and provide for my son and I. This taught me such strength and responsibility. As the months went on I was longing for another child. I decided to get pregnant on my own this time. Choosing to be a single mother this time around. I got pregnant using artificial insemination. It took a while for me to get pregnant compared to how fast it was for Genesis and D. I was beginning to think that this wasn't going to happen for me. So I really meditated about it and made it a matter of prayer. I said that I would try one last time and that if it was meant to be it would happen. If not I would give up. Well that was the month I got pregnant with my rainbow daughter (G). I finally had a living daughter. My dream came true. About a week after G was born my divorce with my ex husband was finally final. Yes it took forever. But it was done. So now it was just me and the two rainbows. It would be like this for several years. D would be 3 nearly 4, and G nearly 2, before I met Marlon. We started dating, fell in love and as you all know we got married earlier this year. And now we are expecting a third rainbow, a boy... D2. Much has changed. And our family has grown quite a bit.
Today I see us as a family of 6.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 13

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.
I cant say that I have. What helped me immensely was connecting with other BLMs knowing I am not alone. And finding the importance of keeping my daughters memory alive. And the BLM community remembers your child right along with you. The support is unbelievable. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 12

12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.
I also can't recall any article recently that moved me. I usually share them here when I do find them. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 11

11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?
I can look at Genesis scrapbook and see her picture and other things that remind me of her most of the time without crying. I can visit places too that I can pretty much keep it together at {her park, the hospital she was born at, going to places and doing things that I did while pregnant with her} When I hear someone in my church say "the new system" or "in the resurrection" I immediately think of her. Usually Im ok to hear these things as well. People that remind me of what happened are my OB and Dr. Devore, although they were there for my rainbows as well. Most of the time Im fine through all these situations but at times maybe depending on the time of year or how Im feeling it can be known to be a trigger.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 10

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. 

I believe that when we die we fall asleep in death. I believe that we will be resurrected into a paradise earth when God's time is right. Then we will see all our lost loved ones in a perfect world with no sickness pain or death. 

Now I was taught that when we die, our physical bodies return to the Earth. I was also taught that the sole dies and that the dead are conscious of nothing. Im not sure that I believe this 100%. I have had many instances where I felt like there was a presence in the house. My brother has as well. And many times it felt like that of a little girl. A child. Almost playing with my brother. I have felt touches and cold air out of nowhere. I have seen things that just cannot be explained. So because of these things I do believe that perhaps the soul or an energy can come around and perhaps leave you signs that they are there. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I know no one is perfect but,

Actions can still hurt. 

I know that I cant count on my family to always remember Genesis. Even my biggest supporter cannot be expected to always remember. 

My brother is usually very supportive in remembering his niece. So I was very surprised when the other day he both texted me and posted to Facebook how he was selling breast cancer awareness ribbons to raise money for the cause. While this is great cause to contribute to I really don't know his connection to that particular cause. We do not have any family history of breast cancer. I cannot recall any close family or friend that this has affected. So Im not sure why he is suddenly campaigning for this cause. 

However, he must know based on that he has done a few walks with me in the past for Genesis and also because every year I post about October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, that this month is very special to me. Last year he attended the walk with me, not this year though. And that's ok. But I have always wanted to create a team for the walk, with matching shirts. Showing support and remembrance for Genesis and our family. To see the donations and registrations add up and that this dollar amount can be donated in the memory of Genesis. I have never had that kind of support. From anyone. And now he is raising money for breast cancer? Just a little saddening to me. I even let him know via text that while I appreciate him supporting that cause, October is more about Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness for me. No reply from him. 

Then the other day I posted on his wall and tagged all my family members that I would like to plan for next years walk to get a team together for the first time. Again, with matching shirts and be able to raise a little bit of money in her name and if they all would join in supporting me. After all its a year from now and they have time to plan it. I didn't get one reply. Talk about a stab to the heart.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 9

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?
See any of the songs on this blog.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 8

8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

Yellows and greens. Before we knew Genesis was a girl we could not hold back from buying baby things for her. We picked yellow and green because those are pretty gender neutral colors. But also pinks and purples being that she was a little girl. I see these things and think of my girl.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 7

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

As of today I am 6 years, 6 months and 4 weeks out. How I feel is different everyday. Depends on what Im doing. Who I am with. Where I am at. What conversation takes place. Its all circumstantial. I feel I have come a long way. Much of the time I can speak her name to others and not cry. But if I am talking to family then the tears still flow freely. I never know when emotion will overcome me or not. It doesn't help now that I am pregnant again. Pretty much anything will make me tear up right now. Darn hormones. But I think for the most part my hear is lighter now, though at times it does become heavy, especially on her anniversaries. The only thing that I think I wrestle with is that family at times still does not remember her. They have their moments but I wish I didn't have to remind them. I also struggle with the fact that I should have daughters with me, and I don't. I hope there comes a time in my life where I can say that I have daughters to the fullest extent. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 6

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?
I dont do any daily rituals or anything. I think of her daily. How could I not. But the times that I especially think of her or do something special are as follows: {My BLM Year begins in November}

November: Thanksgiving Day~ I remember that I found out I was pregnant with her on Thanksgiving Day 2006.

March: March 16th, 2007~ I observe her birthday/Anniversary by taking the family to Genesis Garden and doing a balloon release. At times I have been able to drop off memory boxes as a donation to the hospital that she was born in.

July 29th~ I remember that this was her EDD

October: Walk To Remember~ The walk to remember is always sometime in October and I participate when I can.
         October 15th, Wave of Light~ I light a candle in memory of Genesis and all babies lost

Saturday, October 5, 2013

OC Walk to Remember 2013

Today was the OC Walk To Remember. And of course the whole reason I decided to go was to meet Carly. It literally was a once in a lifetime chance. Who knows if she will be able to come back to the states, let alone my neighborhood.
We were on our way out the door and the tears already stated to fill my eyes. I did not anticipate being so emotional. But I guess my hormones had other plans. As mentioned before, I am the exact number of days pregnant now with D2 as I was when Genesis was born. I think that connection also may have had an impact on me.

Also this is the first Walk To Remember that Marlon has come to me with so it was very special.

Anyway, I headed over to the Project Still booth first and they had already called Carly over to the stage so I had to wait till after the memorial ceremony to talk to her. It was a sweet surprise to see that Carly was asked to be one of the people to go on stage and read some of the babies names. So magical.

When the moment came for us to meet I was overcome with emotion. I didn't even have to tell Carly who I was, she knew. And I have to tell you it surprises me every time because she meets many baby loss families. We immediately hugged an amazing hug. I could hear her choking up which caused me to start the waterworks. I felt like such a fool crying but she assured me that she had been crying the whole day too. She met Marlon and the rainbows and got to see the new baby bump too. We walked over to her Still Project booth where I was given a goodie bag with some of her lovely photographs, a little jar of sand from Christian's beach mixed with fairy dust, a beautiful tear ornament and a small bag of sunflower seeds to plant. So so beautiful. Here are the photos:

I had also made Carly a little something to say thank you for all she has done for me and the baby loss community. Here is the card:

I made a lantern for Carly. I covered it in sea glass since I know the ocean holds a special place in her heart. I tried to arrange it in an ombré type style. I put a wire so that she can hang it. I also added a charm with the letter "C" for Christian. And a peace dove since I know those remind her of Christian. I included turquoise hearts since she loves that stone. And lastly I covered the top in sea shell bits which is removable. 

I have some of Christian's sand so I thought I would pack a Baggie of sand from Genesis' park. And if she wants to she can place that sand in the lantern when she lights the candle I provided. 

I also made an ornament for her with the letter "C". 

I know it's nothing fancy but they were made with so much love, gratitude and admiration. Today was just magical. 

And yesterday when we went out for dinner this was above our table:

A hummingbird. Totally a wink. And last night as I was laying in bed I felt D2 move from the outside for the first time. So so amazing. 

Capture Your Grief~ Day 5

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

Wow this is a tough one. When I think of Genesis I just think of a little girl. A little baby girl who is still. Just like in the photo I have of her from the hospital.I have so few memories of her/ her pregnancy but something comes up every now and then to trigger a flash back to a random memory. But just when I think of her, I think of her in the photo I have of her.

Friday, October 4, 2013

It's this mentality that feeds the taboo

I saw this on a popular celebrity gossip site just now regards Ozzy Ozborne's granddaughter.
Did the same part that caught my eye catch yours? 

"Pearls parents suffered a devastating miscarriage of their unborn baby boy the other month, but at least they have Pearl their healthy little girl to make them smile!"

It's the "at least" part that gets me. Children do not replace children. Weather they were born before or after the loss.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 4

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.
She most definitely did. She forever changed the course of time. It caused a butterfly effect of my life. She made me a better mother, person. She taught me more in he short stay than I could have ever learned through mothering all my children. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 3

3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 2

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
Her name is Genesis Magali Lopez. We actually had another name picked out for her while I was pregnant with her. The name we settled on was Eva Violeta Lopez. Eva after my favorite actress and Violeta after my grandmother Abilla. But I never really LOVED he name 100%. So when she died and they told us we should name her I knew that that wasn't supposed to be her name. I had always loved the name Genesis but when we were thinking about names my then husband didn't like it so it was a no. After she died all that changed. I looked at him and told him, her name is Genesis. And her middle name Magali was after my mother. Genesis means birth/beginning. Very suiting name. Magali means daughter of the sea; precious pearl; daughter of light. Again a very fitting name for her. She was born on March 16th, 2007 at 5:26pm at Arcadia Methodist Hospital. She weighed 9.17 ounces. I didn't see her immediately after birth. I just didn't have it in me at the time. But I was told that she was pink and warm. Had dark very silky hair on the back of her head. Later when I saw her at the mortuary I saw that she had beautiful big lips just like her siblings. And she had my feet with very high arches. Who was she? That I don't. I know she was my first child. My first daughter. She still is. But I have no idea who she would have been. And I think thats part of the hurt of it all. I never got the chance to know who she was going to be.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Capture Your Grief~ Day 1

1. Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning. When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. It will be a wonderful way for us all to feel connected.

CA/ USA approx 6:30 am pst.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...