Monday, September 30, 2013

Whale watching

Our whale watching trip was wonderful. We saw dolphins and many whales. The family had a wonderful time. Even I did as well.


As we were waiting to board the boat I kept looking at each of the boats in the harbor wondering which one was the one that we were going to board on. Then I finally saw it pull into the harbor. There she was. The same boat I was on when I was pregnant with Genesis. She looked vaguely familiar. 

As we boarded and got on our way out into the ocean my mind was just distracted by searching for marine life.

It wasn't until we were headed back that we had nothing to focus on but the wind and the water. By then everyone was tired and a bit sunburned and we just wanted to relax before we got back to land. As we were sitting there and I closed my eyes and let the wind put its fingers through my hair, I had those memories of being pregnant with Genesis on that same boat. To be honest I don't recall the feelings that were going through my mind... probably just more nostalgia than anything. And I turned to Marlon and said "This is D2's first boat ride." We both smiled at each other but as I turned away I suddenly had tears in my eyes.

I remembered that back in 2007, my first time whale watching was also Genesis' first boat ride. Little did I know it would also be her last. It sort of made me think that this could all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

{Ok I have to put a break in this right now for a second, just as I was typing this a dragonfly just ran into my window and caused a "thud" sound. I looked and saw it fly away. Totally a wink}

Anyway, when we got back to land I was feeling better. Not so nostalgic and sad. And then suddenly Marlon and I see Julia Roberts there with her kids! NO JOKE! I even took this photo.

             

Marlon didn't want me to be bothering her so this was the only picture I could get. But seriously... that has to be a good omen right? RIGHT? Ok I don't really know about that one either but it made us happy. So I guess that has to count for something. 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

History repeats itself, sorta

Tomorrow the we are taking the family whale watching. I've always loved the ocean and have always loved the idea of whale watching. 

I got a coupon online for whale watching that we just could not pass up. It was super cheap! As I booked the tickets I had last memores flood my mind.

The last time I went whale watching, out of the same port, and probably the same boat, I was pregnant with Genesis. I cannot remember how far along I was. Somewhere between 3-4 months. I was so ill yet I went because of my love for the ocean. I went with my then husband and my brother and sister. These are photos from that day.


I really debated on weather or not I would put the photo of my ex husband on here but he is a part of Genesis' story so I can't deny that. Though she has a new daddy now, who probably loves her and thinks of her more than her biological daddy, he is part of how she came to be. So I decided to add it. 

Looking at these pictures I had no idea what was coming in the bear future. I never would have thought she would die. 

Anyway going back to the same place doing the same thing being pregnant again gives me a very weird feeling. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. Maybe neither. I guess I'm a little sad that it reminds me of that day Genesis went whale watching with us. Makes me miss those times with no worries and I was pregnant with my first child. My first daughter. With beautiful Genesis. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A super late post

I had been meaning to post about this a while back but a lot has been going on and I guess I just totally forgot. (I actually had to go back and look over my blog to see if I had posted about it or not)

A very close friend who holds Genesis near to her heart had me a card on Genesis birthday, as she always does. But she mentioned that she had been late on sending her gift. I assured her she didn't need to do that but being the amazing person she is, of course she did.

I got this in the mail a little while back:
Isn't that gorgeous? A dragonfly paperweight! So unique and just perfect. Her gifts are always so thoughtful. 

Not Good, Not bad


That's how my appointment went today. I was more emotional and nervous than I even realized. I got there and filled out their paperwork. I sat in that same waiting room. I came in at a slow time so there was only one other mom waiting there before me. Naturally they called her first which left me as the only mama waiting there for a bit. Horrible flashback. Well that didnt last long. A mama came out and they sent her back to the waiting room. As she sat there she started to cry. I knew. I knew exactly why. I was her once. So so terrible. My heart went out to her.

But she was only sitting there for a few minutes before they called me in. So now my adrenaline was rushing a little bit more now and they asked the typical questions.

"What number pregnancy is this?"

"How many children do you have?"
{I both like and hate this question. I like that they dont assume that you have as many children as you do pregnancies. But at the same time I still count Genesis as my child. So perhaps it would have been worded a little different like "How many children do you have at home?"... just a thought}

"What happened to the other pregnancy?"

"Was IT stillborn due to Anencephaly?"

Having to answer those questions about Genesis sort of brought the emotions closer to the surface, though of course I was still hiding it well. At any rate then she dropped a bomb on me that I was not expecting. This may not be a big deal to some but it was to me. She said I was going to have both an abdominal ultrasound AND a vaginal ultrasound. I was taken aback by this. I had been to this office through 4 pregnancies now over the course of over 6 years and I have never had them do a vaginal ultrasound there. Additionally Dr. Devore is a male doctor and I personally do not feel comfortable having a male OB or any doctor do anything vaginal to me. While I was waiting for the doctor to come in I made up my mind. This was going against ever fiber in my body and I decided not do have the vaginal ultrasound. Only abdominal. I explained this to the nurse and she said it was ok to decline but know that the results may not be as accurate. I knew she was going to say that and I said that was fine. 

So in walks the doctor. Only this wasn't Dr. Devore. This as a much younger man. This must be his son or apprentice who is taking over the business or something. He was much more sociable and much nicer than Dr. Devore. And he didnt hurt me during the ultrasound. He kept saying that the baby was still a bit smaller than they would usually do an ultrasound like this for, but given my prior history with Anencephaly they see me earlier. 

The doctor confirmed Anencephaly did not occur with this pregnancy. They confirmed that D2 is in fact a boy. But in order to check proper heart development I will have to go back again in 3 weeks. Yep. Thats right. Start the whole nerve wrecking process all over again in 3 weeks. Oh but thats not all. Get this. My appointment is on October 15th. Yep, you read that right. Exactly on the day of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Ya. What are the odds. This sort of bothered me and I asked for a different date but due to the doctors schedule it had to be that date.

Anyway I came home and told my mom about the appointment. No scary maybe situations came up but I still ended up breaking down into tears when I told her. She asked if he said anything scary and I said no. But that it was very hard being back in that office. I hate going there. She replied by saying "Me too." After all she was there with me when they told me Genesis was going to die. I told her even though Ive been there 4 times now it doesnt get any easier. I go back to that same day with Genesis every single time. She simply replied with "I know." Im glad she sort of understands. 

Capture Your Grief

Last year I took part in Carly's Capture Your Grief photo challenge. Well Im taking part in it again this year. (you can find Carly's blog post here.)

This challenge wont begin until October but I thought I would share the topics that will discussed.

Today is the big appointment day

Today is my specialist appointment. 

Lets backtrack a bit.

Late Feb 2007 I got a positive AFP test that indicated there was a good chance something was wrong with the baby. Some sort of neural tube defect. They sent me to a specialist. Dr. Devore. He was to confirm the suspicion and give an official diagnosis. 

I was terrified while I was there. I kept thinking positively that everything was going to be just fine. I held on to all hope. I really did. As I waited in the waiting room I realized they were calling in all the other moms before me. Even the ones that had come in after me. They saved me for last. As the last women left the office and I was the only one sitting in the waiting room with my mom and then husband, they called me in. It was a terrible feeling. I spoke to a genetic counselor who really didn't make much sense to me. She gave statistics and numbers and generalizations. It all sort of went over my head since I was a nervous wreck. The part that I did remember and I still hear it echo in my head is when she said "Don't be surprised at the demise of your baby." I felt a lump in my throat. She then showed me to the room where the ultrasound was going to be done. There was an assistant in the room already getting the equipment ready. We made small talk. I tried to cheer myself up and ask if today we get to find out the gender and she said yes with a smile. 

So after a few minutes in comes Dr. Devore. A tall and broad man with white hair. Not much of a people person. He starts the ultrasound pushing extra hard on my tummy. So much so that it sort of hurt. But then I saw it on the monitor. The baby and the heartbeat. I was so happy. I wanted to say "See!! My baby is alive!! Everything is ok!" But Dr. Devore kept doing the ultrasound going over measurements and things. He was quiet the whole time. Finally he stopped and asked me if my doctor had talked to me about Anencephaly. I said no. I had never heard of that. And thats when he said those words: "Your baby developed with a condition that is not compatible with life." He kept talking about who knows what but my world fell into a million pieces in that moment. I heard nothing else. I just started to cry.

When I was leaving each one of the staff members looked at me with pity in their eyes. I now knew why they saved me for last. They didn't want me to scare the rest of the mamas in the waiting room.

We somehow made it back to the car and just sat there. We didn't even leave right away. I honestly don't remember how long we were sitting there. But we cried. We all cried. And eventually we made it home.

Ever since then with each pregnancy, even with a normal AFP test result, I am always referred to Dr. Devore just to make sure everything is ok. When I was pregnant with both D and G the appointments were during the holidays so I remember sitting nervously with lots of Christmas decorations all around. 

Today's appointment will not have that decor. It will most likely resemble the normal office I went to when I was pregnant with Genesis and got the bad news. 

I know my AFP test came back ok with D2 but I still get nervous going to this doctor. His office gives me flash backs. Not only that but as I mentioned this doctor is not a people person. Not friendly or nice at all. He is an alarmist. And even my OB reminded me not to worry. That every woman he sees is usually given some sort of birth defect to worry about, and then they go on to have healthy babies. I know this first had as he told me G may have Downs Syndrome. Obviously she doesn't, but him just putting that thought in my head made me worry for the last part of my pregnancy. My OB says he errs on the side of caution. He rather say something may be wrong and then be ok, then to say its ok and something be wrong and then he will get sued later. I guess I see the legal aspect of that but seriously I have so much to worry about anyway, I don't need an alarmist telling me about something new to worry about.

Anyway, my husband will be going with me to this appointment and for that I am thankful. I don't think I could do it alone. It's also very odd that its the day after the 1 year anniversary of me saying goodbye to Abilla, and the day before the 1 year anniversary of her death. I somehow find comfort in this. Like I feel like her spirit will be with me. To ensure everything is ok. Well at least I hope. Seriously... who would have thought that while I was sitting on her bed talking to her, hugging her, kissing her for the last time... that a year later I could be nearly 20 weeks pregnant with another rainbow. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

Exactly 1 year ago today


I can't believe it's been a year already. This photo was taken 9/23/2012. I was saying my final goodbye to Abilla. I kept thinking that she was going to be with Genesis very soon. Those two ladies, Genesis and Abilla, mean/meant so much to me. And now I have lost them both. It's almost incomprehensible. I miss her so much. I know she is with Genesis.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Father of four

I'm just full of blog posts today huh? Sorry for the overload. But I guess I have had a lot on my mind and have had the need to just let stuff out and document things. 

So last night my husband put the kids to bed for me like he often does. And the kids get so lovey dovey with him. All snuggly and kissy. They usually ask for a song and they usually get one. But last night instead they just decided to talk and say and ask silly things, which they do sometimes.

So those of you that have read this blog from the beginning know that Genesis and my first two rainbows, D & G, were children I had with my ex husband. He has never been in the picture and the children have never even laid eyes on him. So for a while they didn't have a dad. Well now they do. And they have had Marlon for quite some time, so this isn't a new thing for them. But they still sometimes ask those questions for reassurment I'm sure.

So G wanted to sort of get D upset and so she told Marlon out loud so D could hear "daddy, your my daddy only." And he jumped in and said "yes G, I'm your daddy but I'm also D's daddy, and D2's daddy..." And then I heard this "and I'm Genesis' daddy too." Then D jumped in and said "but Genesis isn't here.." And Marlon replied, "ya but I'm still her Daddy." This brought tears to my eyes. We all know its true but hearing him say it because he believes it and him remembering her is amazing to me. I fall more and more in love with him each time he remembers her. We are so lucky that not only did he take the rainbows as his own but Genesis too. I'm in awe. Such an amazing man.

Defective mother part 2

So I'm a little late with this post but the next day after my "I'm a defective mother" post, we actually had a little bit of a scare at home.

The kids and I were sharing a snow cone and towards the bottom of the cone some of the ice got hard again. So we had to take bites to crunch the ice as opposed to getting the soft ice with a spoon. G has this thing where she has to play with her food. She does it all the time and I tell her not to and to just eat and chew her food normally. She especially does this with grapes. Instead of just putting a grape in her mouth she will literally suck it up by inhaling strongly so that it pops in her mouth. She thinks it's fun.

So she did this with the ice. I took a bite and instead of her taking a bite she sucked up a piece of ice. It immediately got lodged in her throat. She instantly grabbed her throught and her eyes were looking up at me huge and filled with fear. She could not speak or make any noise. Immediately I knew she was choking. I immediately screamed for Marlon and I started hitting her back and trying to dislodge the ice. He didn't hear me so I picked G up and ran to the room he was in while still screaming for him. He ran in the kitchen and I told him she was choking. At this point you could hear her gurgling a bit and thank goodness he was able to remain calm and start patting her. He knows CPR (so do I but I totally panicked in the moment. Horrible I know...) but at this point he really didn't have to. The ice started melting and she was coughing it up.

But again another instant where I saw potentially what could have happened flash before my eyes in a millisecond. I wish I could turn it off but I can't. It's part of me and who I am and how I parent. Please don't judge me for something I cannot control (this to those who criticize me for how protective I am or how worried I can get). Anyways, a bit ironic that something like that happened so soon after my post talking about specifically that. 

So with that ill close with a photo I saw online that I thought was fitting for this:
                  

Another way she is remembered

Back on September 14th, 2013 (which happened to be the day after my 30th birthday), the ladies over at Light The Night With Love had a lantern release to remember our babies. I have known many a BLM to do this but I personally have not seen any releases done in person. I can only imagine how magical it is. 

At any rate, they included Genesis' name in the release. And here are some of the photos from that day. (of course there were hundreds of photos but since Genesis' name was on the red lantern I only included those)



















Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I'm a defective mother

I honestly feel that I am at times. And almost all of the time it's due to others judgements. 

It's really unfortunate that people judge the way that parents parent their children. People who have kids judge and people who don't have kids judge. The world is just literally full of people that judge your every move especially when it comes to parenting.

You know, there are a million and one ways to do just about everything. And what works for one family may not for another. The world had to understand that that's ok. It's not a sin to parent differently than you.

As a blm I find that I parent differently than I would have had I never had a child die. Granted, my first child died, so I never really got to parent as a non blm. But I know that because of what I went through, I question everything. When I was pregnant with Genesis I was 23 years old. I was a young first time mom and pretty much had the mentality that I would do anything a doctor told me to do because... Well they were a doctor. I had planned to ask my mom for parenting advice and just go with what I was told. Losing Genesis taught me to be a better mother.

To do my own research. To decide on my own what was right for me and my family. I wouldn't do something just because someone or a doctor told me to do it. I wouldn't do something because it was the easiest choice. My children's lives were in my hands and I had to make sure that I made the best decision I could for me and my family. I'm not sure I could have learned the importance of this had I not gone through what I did. Maybe I might have, but I honestly don't think so.

I feel I don't parent like a normal parent. I have already lost a child and I know that nothing is promised. Life is fragile. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. I'm not naive anymore. If they get sick and have a high fever the thoughts of worst case scenario pop in my head. I think oh what if its (insert possibly fatal condition here)? Oh geeze I can't live through losing another child. Or if I hear someone get hurt and I hear that unmistakable cry that someone got really hurt, I worry if they are bleeding to death or chopped something off. I know I sound crazy but the thoughts pop in my head. I know realistically the odds of something that big happening aren't good but the fears pop up. 

The other day we were at the family's house and D was running around playing as kids do. And then he fell and hit a small table pretty hard. On this table was a very tall glass vase. When D hit the table of course the vase started to wobble and it nearly fell over on top of him. My knee jerk reaction was to jump up and try to catch the vase before it fell and smashed right on top of his face. Of course it eventually didn't fall but the fear was there. The potential of what COULD have happened all played out in my mind in that split second. This is the way I parent. And I'm thinking that being a blm is a big contributing factor.

Well I was told that I worry too much. That I baby the kids too much. That kids get hurt and that its good for them. (this is just sugar coating what was said. I was told a bit more and that I should stop) Ummm...  Ok where do I start. Ill probably agree that I worry about things that you're average mom maybe wouldn't worry about. I may be a bit more over protective than a non blm. And I honestly think that's to be expected. And Ill even say that I think it's good for kids to experience things and if that means getting a skinned knee here and there it some scrapes and bruises then that's fine. After all that's what my childhood was like and it was great. But it all has its limits. There comes a point where there is a difference between getting hurt and getting injured. A difference between worry and being overly protective and raising your child in a bubble and actually do them a disservice in raising them that way. There are extremes on either end. The tricky part is finding that middle ground. 

As a blm I don't think we can be solidly in the middle. As for me I think I tend to lean towards the side of caution. After all that sort of goes along with my conservative nature but more so as a blm. 

I find it very insulting when someone judges my way of parenting my kids. I think it's also the single mom in me. Thought I'm not single anymore, that was the only mom I knew how to be and it's not a mentality that will change overnight. While I did it on my own I worked my butt off for my kids. I went through hell and back. I did everything for them. Went through many struggles and trials and I did it all for them. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But when someone criticizes what I do, it tells me that I'm not good enough and that somehow I have failed. I know I'm not a perfect parent. But I can tell you that I give it my all and I give my best. That's all I can do. That's all anyone can ever ask. But when my best isn't good enough I feel like well then why even try. 

And you know the judgments come way before the baby is here. While pregnant you get judged for EVERYTHING. Oh you shouldn't eat that or drink that. You shouldn't have gotten that test or chosen to give birth in that way. You get judged for the way you let your child sleep to how you feed them to how you teach them to how you diaper them... My goodness the list is virtually endless. 

Lets back off people. Really. Give us tired hard working mamas a break. Give us kudos for all that we DO do. And if you can't say something nice or don't agree, then don't say anything at all. After all, how does my decision to let's say... Co-sleep, affect your life anyway? Yea it doesn't. 

Sigh. So I'm sorry for my rant but I needed to get these feelings of frustrations out. Parents are providing for their kids. They are happy, healthy, have a roof over their head and are given everything they need and more. So lets back off the small things. Who cares of a mom delays vaccines. Who cares if a mom decides to not cloth diaper. Who cares it a mom decides to circumcise her son. It's their decision to make. Plain and simple. If all needs are being met and the child isn't in danger it's none of our business.

After all, who knows if a mama is a blm or a single mom or just a mom with her own struggles. Certainly no one needs the added judgement to the already heavy load they carry.

Spread love and give props when you see them doing a good job.

Ok rant over.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

She remembered her

G came home yesterday with her first ever family portrait. It was so adorable.
Do you see what I see? She remembered her big sister. And before anyone hunks she forgot D2, when she handed me the picture she told me D2 was in my belly in the picture. And if you look close enough, you will see some extra scribbles beneath my mouth. That's D2. Haha! She is adorable. And her pictures remind me of D's.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Great news and a surprise

Last night I got a call from my doctor and she confirmed that the AFP test was normal. I already had a feeling it was but that 100% confirmation does wonders.

Then this morning I got some photos I ordered from Carly. They came at the perfect time as I have really been thinking about Genesis and what life would be like with 4 kids. These were the lovelies she sent me:





Aren't they lovely?! You can also find them in Genesis' gallery shortly.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Rainbow news

So today we confirmed 100% that rainbow #3 is a BOY! Like my other rainbows, I wont be publicly mentioning his name on this blog. But we will call him D2.

This has brought out such the mixture of emotions. Why is nothing easy as a blm...

Ill backtrack a bit here just to document my feelings. So after I had a rainbow of each gender you would think that I didnt have a preference as to what the sex of the baby would be. Of course as I have mentioned a million times before, I have always longed to be able to say that I have "daughters". I want to say it in the full sense where I actually do have living daughters because thats the life I should of had. Of course I know I have daughters but society looks at me like Ive lost my mind when I include the one that died. So of course that longing has always been nagging at my side.

When I got pregnant I day dreamed of this baby being a girl. I really hoped it was another daughter. God I wanted it to be a girl so so bad. But no matter how many times I would pretend in my mind that it was girl, no matter how many times I said the name I already picked out for my future daughter, no matter how close I was to buying little girl clothes at the store.... Every single dream I have had about this baby shows me its a boy. I have said his name in my dreams and saw him come out with boy parts. Even as recently as last night I dreamt that the ultrasound revealed it was a boy. I think my subconscious was trying to prepare me. But it really didnt.

I knew in my heart it was a boy but I held out for any hope that there could be a little girl in there. But once I got the 100% confirmation, there was no more dreaming of pink. 

Now dont get me wrong... Im so thankful to be blessed with another child. So incredibly blessed that so far this baby is a healthy and happy baby boy (he was smiling in today's ultrasound). Dont think for a moment that I would change things if I could. Because God gave me another son and that's what was supposed to happen. This son is already loved and treasured and will be spoiled just like the other rainbows. 

Im more sad for the death of another dream. A dream of having daughters. Who knows what the future holds for me. Perhaps its not the end of that dream. Perhaps its been pushed back. 

Sometimes I feel like I ask for too much. Like the "if you give a mouse a cookie" mouse. He wanted a cookie and he got it. He then wanted milk and he got it. He then wanted a straw and he got it. No matter what he got he always wanted more. Maybe Im like that. And I feel guilt for it. There was a point where I had no living children. Then I had a son. Then I wanted another daughter. Then I got it. But it wasnt enough and I wanted more. I wanted the ability to say I had daughters and finally I didnt get what I asked for. Makes me feel so selfish. And Im sorry but this is just not easy for me. These feelings confuse and surprise even me. I know people will not agree with my feelings... blm and non blm alike. And thats ok. We are all in our own journey in this grief... We dont have to think or act the same. 

Perhaps I should see it differently... When I had my first rainbow I had a son even though once again I wanted a daughter. Gender disappointment? Yes for a little bit, but I got over it and loved my little man like there was no tomorrow. I was eventually blessed with a girl. Perhaps God wanted me to learn to be patient or something. Hey you never know. Perhaps this is also another lesson in patience. I just dont know.

As always time will tell.

But we are happy to be expanding the family. We are grateful for another son. And we cannot wait to meet him early next year. I think I need to go buy some boy things to get really excited. I just need time.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Losing another little piece of her

As the rainbows are growing up, there really is no need for a lot of the baby gear I used to have. Granted I will be keeping much of it for rainbow #3, but I just can't keep everything. Many of the baby things they used were bought for Genesis. Both rainbows used her carseat and stroller which I plan to use for rainbow #3 if it has not expired yet (still have to check). I still have the ottoman and rocking chair I bought for her and used it to nurse and put the previous rainbows to sleep. Ill still hang on to that for just a bit more. But through having two rainbows there is a piece of furniture that I noticed I really do not need as we are a co-sleeping family. Yup, the crib. 

I bought this crib while I was pregnant with Genesis, though we lost her before I could even put it together. After she died and before I got pregnant with my first rainbow, I was determined to finish the nursery. Which included putting up the changing table, painting the mural and putting together the crib. Some may have thought, and still may think, that I was crazy for doing that. After all I didn't have a child nor was I pregnant with one that would use that room. I don't know how else to put it except that I had to do it. It kept me sane. This was a way of me proving to the world and to myself that I was a mother and that I will be one in the future to a living child. Shortly thereafter I got pregnant with my first rainbow D and I made sure that his room was all set, ready to go for a baby boy. Still using many of the things I bought for Genesis since I bought lots of yellows and greens. Here is a photo of his crib all set up when he was little:
Though it was all set up perfectly and beautifully, through the process of learning as a new parent I found out quickly that we weren't going to use it that much. Still I hung on to it to use for when G, rainbow #2, arrived. Again still not much use. Now I had both rainbows in bed with me, which was awesome to have snuggles all night long but there came a time where D was just too big now. So I converted the crib into his toddler bed:
I can tell you he got a lot more use out of the toddler bed than the crib. He used this for a good while. But now the time has come where D is just getting too big and we had to get him a twin size bed. Plus with the new rainbow on the way we had to make more room for yet another child. So with much regret and flooding memories, I took this bed apart the other day and put it back in the box it came in. Yes, I held on to it for 6 years. So much love and hope went into putting it together, and now taking it apart after surviving so much. I almost cant believe it. Reality hit today as I placed the add on craigslist to sell it. Its now gone from the room that I painted for my kids. A new bed in its place. I know I cant keep it, its just not practical and we don't have the space and I know that we wont be using a crib in the future...But it still hits a little bit of a nerve losing part of her history. I hope it goes to a good home. 

A dream come true

I have mentioned Carly many times on this blog. She and her son Christian, her daughters and family as well as all her projects, hold a special place in my heart. If I recall correctly it was her blog that lead me to the BLM community. This morning I got the most amazing surprise when I checked facebook. I saw this:


I cannot believe this. This is seriously a dream come true! I have wanted to thank the woman who lead me to get the support that I needed forever. The woman that has provided the most beautiful pictures of Genesis name over the years. And the woman who continues to do amazing work in the name of her son Christian. And now its going to happen. 

I have to be honest though. I wasn't planning on going to the OC Walk To Remember this year. I will be nearly 20 weeks 5 days pregnant and I have been suffering from horrible sciatic pain and my typical SPD which makes walking or even really moving very painful. But I think its a sign. Genesis was born when I was exactly 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Genesis when she was born. And here we are 6 years, 6 months, 16 days, 2 rainbows, one rainbow in the making and the exact same gestation that it's oldest sister was when she left us.... It cant be a coincidence. So for this reason I will be going. I wont be able to do the walk, I think I would die... but Im going just to be able to see and meet Carly. 

I have yet to get the details, weather she will have a booth or she will just be attending the walk and I will have to find her walking around, but Im very excited. I am thinking of all sorts of goodies to put together for her as a simple gift from my family to hers.

Monday, September 2, 2013

A belated post

So I have had a lot going on in the last few months and I apologize that I'm only posting about it now. Back on 8/11/13, Marlon and I got married. 

8/11/13 is Abilla's birthday. She would have been 92. Picking her birthday as our wedding day was our way of including her on our special day. We also found a few ways to incorporate Genesis in our special day. Because not only were the rainbows gaining a daddy (officially) but so was she. 
I wore my Genesis bracelet and Marlon wore clover cuff links. 


We had some family photos include her by adding an extra pink balloon. 

And here are just some of my favorite pics from our day:


And can't forget rainbow number three. I was a day shy of 3 months in this photo. 



Another small wink

Marlon and I were watching a movie last night and we saw this:
Made me smile. And the pink headed humming bird is here daily singing outside.
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