Thursday, August 29, 2013

A sweet reminder

Last Monday Marlon was home with D and they were playing and just spending the day together. And one of the activities they did was play outside with sidewalk chalk. I thought nothing of it since its something D likes to do often. Yesterday while walking outside I came across some of the art he left out there. I saw this:
Stopped me in my tracks and made me smile. D drew the heart and Marlon helped with her name. I love how those two remember her. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Still waiting...

Sorry I guess I have been mia for a bit. I was waiting to hear from the doctors office about the AFP test. The results should have been in last Thursday. I didn't hear anything so I called the office. I was told they were not in and that it actually takes closer to two weeks. So that would push it back to this past Monday. I figured that I would just ask my doctor since I already had an appointment scheduled for Monday. So at my appointment I suddenly got nervous waiting in the waiting room. I noticed other patients that had come in after me, be called in before me. Last time this happened to me was at the specialist appointment with Genesis where they didn't me to upset all the other moms in the waiting room. So this made me feel really uncomfortable. After a bit they just let me know we were waiting for the ultrasound room. This can take a bit since there is only one in my doctors office. This brought me comfort. When we finally got called in asking about the AFP results was one of the first things I asked about. They told me that the got a receipt that the blood had got the order but there is now a new process in place for the AFP test. There is a first trimester and second trimester blood draw now. So they cant do anything with just one blood draw. I have to get another blood draw next week and then wait another two weeks so they get the results of that test and then combine it with the results of the second test. This gives a more accurate result Im told. Yay for medicine getting better but boo for the extra wait. The good news was that during the ultrasound we saw a very nice round head. Showing it was closed and she is pretty confident that there is not a NTD. But I am still going to go through the second blood draw to be sure. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Another visit

See who surprised me again this morning? Look on the branch to the left. Yes the little hummingbird. This time I got video of her singing her sweet song. I'm trying to figure out how to post the video. In the meantime here is a quick snapshot of her :)

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The countdown begins

This little mark will tell so much
Yesterday I went in for my blood draw for the AFP (alpha fetoprotein) test. Yes, this is the BIG test for me. This is the test I took 8 years ago that told me something was wrong with Genesis. Every pregnancy since then, I have held my breath as I take this test and anxiously await the outcome.

So the countdown to the results has begun. It takes about 10 days. I should hear something by next Thursday the 8th. God I hope it good. 

As I sat in the waiting room my mind wandered a bit. I was sitting in the same waiting room in the same lab I was 8 years ago. I got called into the same room, sat in the same chair, looked out the same window... that I did 8 years ago when I was pregnant with Genesis. As I sat there getting my blood drawn once again I flashed back to 8 years ago. Back then there was a lady who was drawing my blood, I can see her face clearly. As she was drawing my blood she looks me in the eyes and says: 

"No matter the result of this test, you are blessed to have this baby." 

I nodded my head in agreement not knowing what she was talking about. I was so naive. Looking back I just know it was some sort of sign or omen of what was to come. I should have paid closer attention. Those words echoed in my head as I sat there getting my blood drawn for my 3rd rainbow. As I waited in the elevator, I heard Nora Jones softly playing in the background. I was the only one in there. I held on to the railings wondering if my world was going to shatter again in 10 days. I walked back to the car to Marlon who was waiting for me with the kids. I really don't know what happened but I was overcome with emotion and I just started crying. This test is a big big deal. It will tell me if my child will die of the same condition Genesis did. I have faith everything will be ok but I am not naive enough anymore to know that it will be ok. My emotions surprised me. 

On the car ride home I looked down at my bag. The bag I had bought for Genesis as her diaper bag. And I really took note of the design. I had bought it before because it had babies but taking a closer look at it I know you see what I see.

Not just babies, ANGEL babies. All OF THEM. And RAINBOWS. Seriously. And you might notice something familiar. See this:

Yes this little bird and girl reminds me of Genesis. I got the bird tattooed on me with her memorial tattoo.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Exciting news!

7w 1d
Im sure many of you know if you are friends with me on facebook. But I thought I would make an official announcement here as well. Rainbow #3 is on the way! Yes, Marlon and I are thrilled to be adding to the family. 

I have to say that at times it has been bitter sweet. This was the first time I have not been able to tell Abilla that she will be a grandmother. It makes me so sad that she isn't with us anymore. But somewhere somehow I know the universe has let her know the joyous news. Also the other day I saw a mama walking with her two daughters and I imagined for a split second what it might be to have "daughters" in the full sense. Sigh. Because of that part of me really hopes this is another girl so that I can finally live the life with daughters that I should of had. But I don't want to set myself up for let down if its a boy. And not to sound like Im not grateful for a boy if it happens to be one. I am happy with whatever the universe had blessed us with. 

So far everything looks good. Baby will be due in Feb 2014 and is measuring big so it may come a bit earlier than anticipated. 

I just cant believe that Im a mama of 4 now...not sure if I will ever count the chemical pregnancy as its not even 100% sure if it was a chemical. 

And as always every time I am pregnant I have dreams of Genesis. Im not really sure why but I have had I think about 2 dreams so far about Genesis.

And of course this pregnancy isn't exempt from heartbreak either. Of course my family was very happy to hear the news but right away the first thing my mother said was "Now I have 6 grandchildren." Um no, this brings the number to 7. Sigh.

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