Sunday, May 26, 2013

What should of been

I came across this GORGEOUS photo of two sisters. Stunning isn't it?
Well it made me stop and think about what it would be like to have a photo with both my girls. Genesis would have been the bigger sister and G the baby. Now I know I'm biased but I do think both my girls were/are gorgeous. So I can't help to think if they took a picture like this it would be just as stunning. But I'll never see them in a photo together. Actually...
Ill never see them together ever. Funny how simple things can turn into triggers. Sigh. I miss you Genesis.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

I think she's gone

The little pink headed humming bird that lived in the tree in front of my house. Even if she didn't fly right up to me, I could always hear her singing outside. It brought me much comfort to hear her. Well for the last 4 -5 days I have not heard her singing. Not sure where she went or what happened but I do miss her little songs.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Another reading

So I had another reading and she told me she picked up on my chemical pregnancy. She felt it was a girl. Just like I thought. Again I'm not sure how I feel about all this... But nonetheless I felt I needed to document and acknowledge this very short visit of a baby in my life. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Some amazing news and something unexpected

I could have told you long ago that Marlon is the one for me. But we made it official yesterday with this:


This is the beauty, champagne stone and all:
Of course I said yes! 

I am thrilled to be marrying my best friend!

On to other news which has lead me to write this very mixed emotion post. 

Let me take you back to this past mother's day 2013. I was shocked to see this:
I know its super super faint so I didnt get my hopes up. But then I tested the next day and saw this:
Something definitely there. I put the two tests side by side and can see the progression of it getting darker. 
test on bottom taken first. test on top taken the next day.
Being the compulsive tester that I am, I took two more test using my internet cheapies and once again saw this:


It was rather strange seeing these. I wasn't as shocked or excited as I was in the past. I felt like something was not right. I dont know what but I just couldn't get excited about it.  Dont get me wrong, I was happy but I felt that was too easy and too perfect. 

Get pregnant on the first try and find out you are pregnant with a 3rd rainbow on mother's day? Yea, too perfect. For that one day I enjoyed knowing there was the potential for life in me. A good possibility for life. I even did my usual pregnant routine of massaging my belly with lotion before bed. We had that one moment together. 

The next day my period was due. It didnt come. Another great sign. But by late afternoon I started spotting. It was old blood so I was hopeful that it was implantation or something. But it got brighter red, and heavier and more painful. I knew what was happening. I had a chemical pregnancy. 

I have to tell you. I am very confused as to how to feel about this. I am sort off all over the place with this one. This is in no way close to losing Genesis. Not even comparable. But losses are not to be compared. A loss is a loss is a loss. Period. We all cope differently. There is no wrong way. Do what you must and be true to your feelings. 

About my feelings... well... I cant say that I was too attached. I had a feeling something wasnt going to go right. I can also tell you though, I felt in my heart it was another little girl. WIth all previous 3 kids I have known what I was having the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. So I was probably right. It all ended before it began really. I wouldn't say that I am grieving, though it is still sad and disappointing. After losing Genesis I remember thinking I hope I never know what a miscarriage is like. And now I do, although it was very very early and I doubt its the same as a loss after a heartbeat was detected. At any rate, I feel guilty that Im not more tore up about it. I do believe a baby is a baby right from the start but Im not grieving. At least I dont think so. And I feel bad for that. Im not sure really how to feel. Today actually I did have a little bit of a cry. To realize that my soulmate and I came together and our cells combined in a physical representation of our love... and it didnt make it is quite sad to me. Sigh. And I did some research on chemical pregnancies and the percentage of chemical pregancies is astounding. Most women will not know that it happened. And its so early that you are never really sure it was a chemical pregnancy unless you had your blood drawn or had positive pregnancy tests. I saw my positives no matter how light. Right after my period I tested again using the same tests, and negative. Im sure I had a chemical pregnancy. Anyway, I thought I would share these two events in my life that happened to have happened within a week of each other. We are not giving up on having another rainbow. In time it will happen. Until then I remember my two babies that are no longer here and the two that are. 

Monday, May 6, 2013

A spontaneous visit

Yesterday I saw the sweet pink headed hummingbird outside my house again. I was able to walk pretty close to where it was perched in a tree and got this pic.

After running some errands the rainbows and I decided to make a quick stop to visit Genesis' rock at her garden. I captured this "family photo."


As we were leaving a group of 4 hummingbirds were playing right in front of me and zoomed by. That was amazing. Then one of them stuck around and once again I was able to get pretty close and take this picture.
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