Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A little surprise

I got a lovely card from one of my dearest friends. She always remembers my sweet girl. I love getting mail in her name.

Monday, March 18, 2013

6 years

Her birthday was magical to say the least. Here is a play by play of her special day.

I woke up bright and early at 6:00 am. I just could not sleep in. I tried but I was too amped up to get everything in order for her special day. Took the rainbows over later on so that I could go pick up the balloons and flowers without any delays. I was sure to buy the rainbows and my nephew their own balloons so that they didn't feel left out. Picked up everything and then went back home to get the family and head on out to Genesis' Garden. 

Before we left we took a couple pictures:

6 flowers for 6 years

6 balloons for 6 years
We made it there and took many pictures. Here are a few:

I decided to bring our Genesis bear to Genesis' garden for the first time ever. Seemed fitting.

 And this one is my absolute favorite. The whole family. Such a priceless photo.  
{from left to right, back row: Marlon, my brother, my mom, my dad, my sister and brother in law
Front row: Me, G, my nephew & D}
We took a family photo with Marlon, Myself, the rainbows and of course Genesis' stone and our Genesis bear.

We then wrote our messages on the balloons. This is one of the hardest parts for me. Is reading all their messages to her. So sweet but yet so heartbreaking.

This was my favorite. I told you Marlon was an amazing man <3

And then of course the balloon release:

 After the release I got a photo of the family just watching the balloons drift towards the heavens:

 Immediately after I took this picture I saw something amazing. We were all staring up at the balloons and a hummingbird flew right in my front of my view. She stayed there hovering, coming very very close and coming down nearly to the floor. She stayed for over 20 minutes! She would hover then drop to just above our heads then hover and drop to right in front of us. She followed us to my car. It was as if she was trying to tell us something. This was the most incredible wink ever. This brought me to tears. I could not believe it. My whole family saw her. This could not be something that I just made into a wink because I wanted to. It was obvious that something out of the norm was happening. It was absolutely incredible.

I know the photos are a little small, sorry. The last two you see a blur in the middle of the picture. This is where she stayed hovering right at our level then in the last photo she swooped down nearly to the ground. See that little brown thing that looks like a leaf in the grass slightly to the right? Yea that was her. She stayed near us the whole time. I was in awe. This was the most sacred moment for me:

Hello! I dont think there is a more obvious wink than that. So amazing to have witnessed it and to have captured photos. 

I took a couple more photos:

Then after that we decided to all go out to eat. It was a great lunch. While we were there I saw a wink in the parking lot, a heart:

Then we headed home. My mom kept the kids for a little bit while I got home and sort of let it all sink in. I was looking over the photos and I started to cry just reading the balloon messages again. I wiped my tears and I found another wink, another heart:
Then of course I went to go snack on some comfort food and grabbed this:
Do you see what stopped me dead in my tracks? The chocolate chips in this cookie are HEARTS! And I know the angle isn't great but there are 6 hearts on this cookie. SIX! On her 6th birthday! Come on! Can anyone else see how amazing this is? I was freaking out. I made a whole batch of these cookies the night before and of course I sort of binged the night before and a ton of them.. but the first cookie I grabbed after we got home was this one, and it was the only one with hearts. Im still in shock. 

So anyway, I left two gerber daisies with my sweetie at the park and gave one to my mom and sister and brought home 2 for myself.
Then I decided that I wanted to make a trip to the beach to write my girl's name in the sand at the very moment she was born, 5:24 pm. 
Her name got erased in the second photo when a wave came in. I re-wrote it in the 3rd photo.
This photo spoke volumes to me:

I was left standing in her erased heart after a wave washed it away. There was just a light glimpse that it was ever there. It got washed away in an instant, so easily. Hardly anyone knew that her name was there, just me and Marlon and a couple of other people that saw me draw it. But as each wave rolled in, it would completely fade away. Only I and Marlon would ever know that she was there at one time... no matter how brief. This sort of tells the story of her life. 
I was just sort of left there watching the waves. It was peaceful  rolling all the memories of Genesis in my head. 

Marlon grabbed a seashell and made this:
Isn't he just amazing? He never ceases to amaze me. He made this and threw it into the ocean. Perhaps we will meet again, you never know.

It was an amazing anniversary. The people that were meant to be there with me, were. The winks that were supposed to occur, did. 

I thank all of you who thought of us and sent your well wishes and love.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Birthday eve winks

As usual she gave me a sign that she was with me. We have been having unusually hit weather here in LA and we have had clear skies all week. When suddenly on my drive home, just as the sun was starting to set, I see a rainbow. So awesome! I saw a rainbow last year the day after her birthday and I see one today on the eve of her birthday. As I was snapping pictures, the pink headed hummingbird flew by. Seriously amazing. I so needed that.

I've mentioned before that odd things happen around her special dates. Sometimes it's the weather or earthquakes or even odd stuff with me. Like before I mentioned I broke out in hives before. Well a few days ago I go a huge lump on my tummy. I think it was a cyst or something. It's since begun to heal but Seriously, I think I have only ever got one of these maybe twice before in my life. So for it to happen so close to her birthday it sort if makes me think of her. That probably sounds weird huh haha ya it does but oh well. It's almost as if my body reacts to her special times of the year.

The eye of the tornado

That's where I am. You know how in a tornado its crazy and insane along the edges. Then you have the calm inside the actual tornado. And when it passes over, you encounter the craziness again. Well that is where I am emotionally. I was very emotional in the last few days. Today I am calm, I think. And I anticipate tomorrow being the last of the storm passing over me. We shall see because even my own emotions have confused me at times.

I logged into instagram and saw this:
My brother gets me. He totally does. And his love for Genesis is just as strong as the love he has for my rainbows. Seeing this brought a tear to my eyes. I cant believe that in less than 24 hours it will have been 6 years. My God. SIX. YEARS. Sigh. 

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Im reading my brothers caption over and over and it brings tears to my eyes. "it breaks me down to have lost a life at the very beginning..." That part.. yea, makes me sad. Its so so true. 

I called last week to order her flowers. Gerber daisies of course. I found myself choking up when I was placing the order. But I am really thrilled that everyone and I mean everyone is going to make it to the little event I have planned for tomorrow. My mom, dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, D & G and of course Marlon. It's something small but loving. Leaving her flowers and doing a balloon release. We are all going out to eat as a family afterwards. Then in the early evening, I hope to do something special to remember the exact time she was born. Sigh. Im feeling it making my chest tighter. My heart longs to have her here with me so so bad right now. Just to give her one more kiss.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I cant help but think they are connected somehow...

Abilla and Genesis that is. Maybe its my grief for each of them that connects them. Im still not sure. Either way, this week so far has surprised me in terms of my grief. I have been weepy this week. Very emotional. In fact, right now as I type this I feel my eyes getting glossy because of the tears hiding behind my eyes. But that isn't the surprising part. It's the fact that I have been missing my grandmother Abilla very much this week. It's been more about her than Genesis the last few days. This surprised even me. 

I had a good cry in the shower yesterday and I afterwards I went out to the balcony to just get some air. It was beautiful weather yesterday and I was just enjoying that. Then I thought to myself, wouldn't it be wonderful if that pink headed hummingbird stopped by and gave me a wink. That way I would know someone... Abilla or Genesis, was stopping by to help make me feel better. And what do you know... within a minute or so I heard her call and she appeared. I was able to take a few photos too. Simply amazing.

Also another thing both Marlon and I have noticed. Remember this post? And how I mentioned I have a photo that I took with Abilla and some other family members and on the photo I put the locket I bought her when I was a child? This is a photo of what Im talking about:
So that locket hanging off the right side of the photo. Very often I see that the locket has been moved. It will fall to the right and fall off the front of the picture frame so that the heart is actually hanging behind the photo. Its as if someone may have touched it accidentally and it fell to the back. The first time Marlon actually accidentally knocked it off. But after that he knows for a fact that he didn't touch it. Its up high so this is something that the kids cannot do. But yet every so often we see that it has been moved. We both couldn't help but think that maybe its Abilla. I guess we will never really know. What I do know is that I miss her like crazy. And something astonishing happened too. I had a dream about Abilla the night before last. I dreamt that I was visiting the convalescent home she was at and in my dream I knew that she had died already. But then I walked into some sort of activity room and there she was. Sitting in her wheelchair, sleeping and slumped over a little. I couldn't believe my eyes that it was her. My heart skipped a beat and I rubbed my eyes and then when she woke up and looked up, it was another old lady. So I started to walk away but I turned around to get another look and she disappeared. I felt it was her. I tried to take a picture of her but the picture came out distorted. I knew in my heart it was her making her presence known. I love dreaming about her. So on facebook I posted that I had a dream about Abilla. Well one of my BLM friends commented that she had a dream about Abilla a few weeks ago. I was shocked! This is a BLM friend that I have never met in person. Someone that is across the globe from me, yet she got a visit from my grandmother! Here is her dream: 

"For some reason I was in town so I went looking for you. I climbed stairs to an apartment and found her waiting in the doorway. I asked where you were and she laughed and said you were "off getting proposed too." After that she was taken away on a gurney by paramedics. She wasn't upset or distressed or anything, she just laid down and let them take her away. I think this was my brain realising that Aibilla had died.  Sorry, didn't say anything earlier as I thought it might upset you. She seemed happy but impatient."

Hearing this just made me so happy. It is so so accurate it's scary. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

A little treat

Carly was having a sale on sand butterflies and I just couldn't resist since Genesis' birthday is just around the corner. I have also added them to her gallery.

Out of the mouth of babes

The kids and I have been talking a lot about Genesis lately especially since her birthday is this Saturday. They know about the plans we are making and are excited for them. Whenever we are playing outside they pick flowers and tell me those flowers are for Genesis. So very very sweet. However, the other day D said something to me that made me very sad. Once again, they understand more than we know. D was sitting at the table eating dinner while I was sitting on the couch, and from the kitchen he tells me "Mommy, one day we are going to die... Just like Genesis." This totally caught me off guard. I really didn't know what to say except ask him why he said that. He didn't really say why. But I told him that yes, no one lives forever. But it will be a long long long time before we leave this Earth. Sigh.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Winks and triggers

Today was full of both winks and triggers. It began by one of my pregnant co-workers, of course pregnant with a little girl, announcing that today was her last day before she went on maternity leave.

It progressed by me hearing a conversation between two other co-workers about how having a boy and a girl is a perfect family and how horrible it would be to have two of one sex. Sigh.

But on the positive I have seen clovers everywhere. I was able to take pictures of two that were on the sides of cars right next to me. I saw dragonflies printed on so many items at a store I just went to. And of course since St. Patty's Day is nearing I see clovers and rainbows everywhere. It almost feels magical.

Then my sweet sweet friend gave me the cutest dragonfly necklace. That's not all, she was aware that the stones in it were identical to the color of Genesis birth stone. Seriously, how thoughtful is that?! I'm blown away and was fighting tears when she gave it to me.

Then when I got home, I saw that I had BLM mail. This BLM always, I mean always remembers Genesis' birthday. But that's not all. Not only does she remember Genesis and I but she remembers how many years old she would have been and all the little things that remind me of her. I am always blown away by her kindness and thoughtfulness. I'm not sure if you are a reader of this blog, but know there are not enough words... I cannot say thank you enough... To express what this means to me. So so amazing.
Also when D came home from school, what did I see? He had a dragonfly stamped on his hand.

And lastly while at a store I saw a hello kitty shirt with clovers! I mean seriously that was meant for me! Of course I had to get it.

I love how typical it is for me to find lots and lots of winks in the week before her birthday. I just know she is with me.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

So close

We are 9 days away from her birthday and I can totally tell the difference from any other time of year. I'm more anxious, stressed, emotional... And the lost goes on. I have been weepy over the last few days. I think about her more often especially while planning the balloon release this year. My family confirmed they will be coming too. If you recall last year was the first time my mom and dad and brother and sister and her husband joined me. This year they are returning along with the rainbows my nephew and Marlon. This is the first time for Marlon so it is ver special to me.

Marlon has been so supportive and I thank him for being so loving and accepting of all this.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

My March contribution

I mentioned a while ago that my quote was chosen for Fran's calendar at Small Bird Studio. And she was able to use my quote for my very special month, March.

Another wink

Marlon and I took the kids to the park the other day and as we were playing in the playground I noticed the empty swings. Empty swings always get to me. Make me think of Genesis and how she should be there with us playing too. The evening light was gorgeous so I snapped a few pictures. On our way back to the car a sweet hummingbird followed us and stayed watching over our car till we left. So awesome.

Friday, March 1, 2013

And it's here

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