Monday, February 25, 2013

A visit and getting to know the family

Two days ago Marlon stopped at Genesis' Garden out of his own initiative. He stopped on his way home from work and made a heart from the wood chips around her stone and took a few pictures for me. I was stunned that he thought of going, actually DID go, then made a heart AND took pictures. I mean seriously, how amazing is he?!

Then a few weeks ago he told his family about Genesis. Naturally they were sympathetic but it wasn't to gain sympathy. It was so that they know her. I'm so glad he wasn't scared to speak her name. I love him more and more each day.

Friday, February 8, 2013

A sign?

On Monday I was sitting at my desk at work and a white balloon floated slowly by my window. It made me thin of her. Not sure why but I guess little not typical things do that. A de hours later I saw the SAME balloon float by in the distance. How does that happen? I got pictures of both instances.

Then yesterday another white balloon floated by my window. I wasn't able to get a picture of it but come on, what are the odds?

Yesterday Marlon told me that he told one of his best friends about Genesis. I love that he wasn't afraid to speak her name and tell someone about her.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

She visited again

I forgot to blog about this the other day, but the day before yesterday I was visited by the pink headed hummingbird again. She again flew right up to me and stay long enough for me to call Marlon over and he saw her too. So amazing every time she visits.

Monday, February 4, 2013

The ugly truth

Truth is... It's scary to be a parent of a living child. I remember when D was a newborn. I was worried about everything. Scared something may happen. I trusted no one. He was the most precious thing in my life at the time and I had to protect it with my life. I felt this way because I knew how easily and how all of a sudden it could all be taken away. As he got older and hit milestones, I hit new milestones with worries. He started solids I worried about choking. He started walking I worried about him falling. He got old enough to go to school and I was worried sick about the people I was leaving him with not watching him carefully enough. Or worse, worried they may hurt him. The anxiety I went through would make me ill.

As time passed it got better. I had my second rainbow and the worries were still there but not as bad. I figured it was all in my head and would go away as I went through being a parent in the full sense and realize that the kids will be just fine despite what may come. (Well ultimately that's what we hope but we all know nothing is certain... See, that's the Blm in me)

But there comes times, like tonight, where I get back to the very worried state. Tonight D is very ill. He has symptoms that make me worry. I think worse case scenario. He has XYZ that could be fatal. Even if he does have that there is only a 10% chance he will die from it, in my mind I'm already planning the funeral. I know it sounds crazy. Trust me, I want to never live through planning another funeral for my child. It will be the end of me. But the scary thoughts pop in my head because I've lived through it before. It HAS happened. No one is immune. It scares the crap out of me.

I am watching D close through the night tonight and if his fever spikes again, to the ER we go. Either way, a trip to the urgent care is in order in the morning. But I wish I had normal thoughts and worries. I can't. I just can't. I can't relax and I won't believe you when you tell me he will be fine. I guess I'm traumatized to an extent. I can't help it. It's part of who I am and how I parent. I wish there was an off switch.

This is one aspect of being a BLM that my dear Marlon has no clue about. He doesn't get it. And hopefully never will.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

A visit and another visit

Last night Marlon and I went to go visit her stone. It was a quick visit since we were just passing through. But I love how he never objects to us stopping by no matter how many times we may have gone already.

Then today I got a text from one of my friends letting me know that she went to go visit her stone as well. Two visits in less than 24 hours! How awesome! She is loved.

Another wink

As I was going to get the laundry outside yesterday and something suddenly zipped out of the bushes and stopped in front of me. It was another pink headed hummingbird! She stayed right in front of me just looking at me. She zipped here and there nearby in the backyard but came back several times to just cover in front of me while she looked at me. What makes this time even more special than the others was that I got pictures! Not the best because obviously these little beauties are fast but you can see her hovering and looking right at me.

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