Saturday, January 26, 2013

Getting closer

Yesterday was Christian's 6th birthday. Yes. Carly's Christian. His birthday always reminds me that Genesis' birthday is just around the corner. They were born sleeping the same year. So as I saw that she spend the evening of Australia Day last night remembering her sweet boy, I count the short 7 weeks that are left for Genesis' 6th birthday.

Also today I grabbed a journal to sketch in and found these pictures.




These are sketches of when I was newly pregnant with Genesis. I wanted to paint a mural in the nursery (which I ended up doing after she died because I was determined to finish it in her memory for the living children I would have one day). This was back when the name I had picked for her was Eva Violeta. These sketches brought me back to those days where I was obliviously pregnant without a doubt on my mind. I even sketched the layout of how I wanted the nursery.

As I flipped the pages of sketches there were sever blank pages and then this poem:
"That Day
That day I got the horrible news,
I swear I heard the heavens cry.
Please take me, take me instead!
My baby was not supposed to die.
Everything happened so very fast.
I didn't even know what to do.
I held you, I kissed you,
I could not take my eyes off you.
When the time came to put you down,
I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you there.
Alone and cold, never to see you again.
How could life be so unfair.
As I turned my back to leave you there,
I swear I heard the Earth moaning.
Each step I took, the more I hurt.
I wept and could not stop groaning.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months,
and still like a flood, my tears fell.
This agony, this pain I felt
was surely a living hell.
I was trapped in this life of grief.
This new life no one understood.
The things in life I used to see, had now faded.
I saw no more the good.
To have to live without a child,
is something no one should.
To say goodbye to something so pure and flesh of my flesh...
But yet I knew I would.
The pain burned past the heart and through the soul.
It makes the heart wish it would stop.
You see in color no more, just dull greys.
And your cries and screams echo through the mountain tops...
It makes the heavens cry and mountains crumble...
Oceans still and even the very flowers weep.
It stabs till time indefinite, deep into the universe.
There is nothing else like it.
This pain is ever so deep.
Never again will I be who I was.
She died when you did.
Though people want to deny you and pretend you never happened,
You'll forever be my baby, my daughter, my kid.
I'm lost without you...
And only live because my heart beats on.
Forever and ever, my soul is with you."

I had forgotten that I had even written that. Funny how reading these things years later, take you right back to the moment you put the pen to paper.

Sigh.

I miss you beautiful girl.








Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Life through the eyes of a BLM

Once again I have seen something online that "normal" aka non BLM person would not bat an eyelash over. I saw this:
According to this statement, she became a mother only AFTER she gave birth. So everything from conception till birth, those whole 10 months of growing, morning sickness, swelling, aches and pains... {you see where I am going with this} didn't count. 

See this is the problem with society. You are a mother the moment you conceive. Plain and simple. I think this sort of adds to the taboo with pregnancy and infant loss where if your baby died while in utero you don't count as a mother. Sigh. 

On a different topic, I thought that after having both a boy and girl rainbow that I would see pregnancy differently and not be as scared. Not that I was terrified at every single moment in my pregnancy with my rainbows, but I had more worries than I did when I was pregnant with Genesis. And rightfully so. Well, that assumption is not true. As Marlon and I make plans for our future we were obviously talking about children. More children. And as I let my imagination get carried away and I thought about the day I get pregnant again and grow another rainbow I started to get a bit nervous and anxious. I felt a glimpse of the worry that I would have, hoping that this is another healthy rainbow. I suppose it never really goes away.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A weekend full of surprises

I had several surprises this weekend. First off my awesome brother went to visit Genesis stone all on his own. I only knew he was there when he checked in on Facebook.

Second, on Sunday I went out on the balcony and was greeted by a very pretty hummingbird with a pink head. I love winks in the morning :)

Third, Marlon has been wanting a tattoo for a long time. And as one should, he has taken his time to decode what he wants done. To my surprise Genesis and the rainbows were part of the tattoo he has planned. I cannot tell you what this means to me. My ex husband didn't even get one for her. Marlon and I and the kids are truly meant to be.


And lastly, it's that time of year again where I am starting to see the St. Patty's Day decorations come out. I sort of sigh with a heavy heart when I see them.
Just another reminder of the big day nearing.

In closing I leave you with a picture of a rainbow, drawn by my rainbows.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I lost another little piece of Genesis

I had something happen to me the day before yesterday. Sorry Im only getting around to posting about it today. So I was in the nursery, which is now just the rainbows room and I was trying to open a sliding door closet to put away some of the kids clothes. The door on the right was jammed. There was something in the way and blocking it from opening. So I opened the left side and all of a sudden something fell out and hit me hard in the head and then smashed on the ground.

I got hit in the head by a lamp. This lamp:
As I stood there in a little bit of a stupor as I just got hit really really hard with something then I realized it was the lamp. THAT lamp. Back when I was pregnant with Genesis I ordered this nursery set:
Isn't it adorable? And of course she never got to use it. The rainbows most certainly did though. But that doesn't negate the fact that this set was bought for Genesis. So when I saw that the lamp actually smashed into a million tiny pieces I was sad about that. Not horribly sad but disappointed that we would have to throw it away. I really hate getting rid of Genesis things as they are all I have left of her. That she was real and there was a time where I was preparing for her arrival to bring her home. Sigh.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Saying Goodbye

I saw this online. I couldn't see this and not share.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

An impromptu visit

Last night in an effort to not catch the flu, which Marlon has, I took my nightly shot of tequila. Been having a shot each night to help fight the germs off since he got sick. Well one shot turned into two, and then three. I think in the end I had about five shots. Not very many but still a decent amount for a lightweight like me. So I was feeling pretty good on a nice buzz. I was actually getting ready for bed and was counting on a good nights rest. 

As I was I was waiting for the kids to finish up dinner before I put them to bed I couldn't help but look at G and see how beautiful she was. And I know as her mama I am totally biased. But I really do believe she is stunning. And as I was admiring that somehow I created something so beautiful, I thought of my sweet Genesis. And the beauty that she would have been today. 

I am certain she would have been a show stopper.

And it took me back to after she was born/died, and I went to my OB for my postpartum visit. {I suppose this is some more of Genesis' story that I may have not shared before.} My OB gave me the all clear that I had healed enough from giving birth to her. In a short conversation right before I left she looked at me in the eye and said this: 

"You know, I've been doing this a long time. I've seen a lot of babies born too soon... and I have to tell you, she was one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And I'm not just saying that."

I can't tell you what that meant to me. She was speaking from the heart and I knew that she truly meant what she said. This popped in my head last night as I looked at G. It instantly made me tear up. {I think perhaps the tequila helped the tears flow a bit easier too} I excused myself and had to go outside to try and stop the tears. As I thought about it more and more I felt the intense urge to go visit her stone. Marlon came out and asked me what was wrong. I told him I missed her. Being that now I had two "hers" that I miss {Genesis and Abilla} he asked which one? I said Genesis. He said oh and figured I needed some alone time. This was probably at about 6:00pm. I made last minute arrangements to have my mom watch the rainbows for about an hour. Without a word to Marlon I just took the kids next door to my moms and came back and asked him "Would you be able to drive me somewhere?" Without question he said "Sure." As we were getting our coats on he asked "Where are we going?" "South Pasadena." I said. He understood and said "Her park." I nodded. Luckily I had bought flowers about a week ago and placed them on our kitchen table. Some of the flowers were still decent and I grabbed a few so that I could leave my sweet girl a little something at the park. And with that we were off.

Can I just tell you how awesome I think Marlon is for going along with my shenanigans?! He didn't even question what I asked. Just said yes. He supported me in something that he has no personal knowledge of. A world that he is not directly a part of. But despite what he doesn't truly understand, he still supports me in whatever it is that I need. I seriously was blown away. We got there and I took several photos of her stone as I always do each time I go. {that is the picture at the beginning of this post} It felt so good to go see her special place even if we didn't stay long. But just another example of how I have no idea when days like that will happen. Or what will trigger me.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

This interview makes me want to scream

So I saw this video today:

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I cannot tell you how  many different feelings this evokes. First off Kim's comment "once you're passed the 3 month mark, you know, you're pretty safe..." Um no Kim. You are not pretty safe. It isn't till after 20/21 weeks that you are safe from having a miscarriage. Then at 20/21 weeks you enter stillbirth territory. And even then, EVEN THEN, you are not safe. Your baby is born and then you are in infant death territory. Gahhh! See this is how I think as a BLM. It's terrible I know. But seriously, you are never "safe". Anything can happen at anytime. The other thing that got to me is that she is due in July. I was sort of hoping she wouldn't be, but of course she is. July was Genesis' EDD. July 29th. Even though whatever happens in some random persons life, even a celebrity... I feel that day is hers. All her anniversary days are hers and I hate if she has to share that with anyone or anything. Is that crazy? It totally sounds crazy. But there it is. That's how I feel. 

On another topic Kim was talking about... it seems she and I are very much alike that we are planners. She found herself in a situation where she was married (even if just legally) to one man but is having a baby with another. She wants to marry again but can't because the divorce is still pending. She hints that she had fertility issues just like her younger sister and surprisingly got pregnant despite what doctors told her. In closing one of the last thing she said was "So as much as i would like to be in a perfect world where I was, you know... divorced... you just can't plan for any of that." This really spoke volumes to me as I myself am at a crossroads wanting perfection but I just need to see how important that is to me or if thats even feasible. 


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A year like no other & a new normal

Every year since Genesis died has been different. The first was a blur as I was struggling how to figure things out on suddenly being a single mom and set to give birth a matter of weeks after Genesis first birthday and I just did not have time to even think about anything else.

The second year was horrid. I think it was the worst year out of any. So so painful. And so raw. I missed her desperately. 

Third and beyond has been manageable. I think I found my groove and things had settled a bit and I was coping.

This year, going on the 6th year, is totally different. And not just because its the 6th year. Its different because its the first year that I have not had my grandmother, Abilla.

I have found in the past that when Im sad, not even anything related to Genesis.. but just sad in general it makes me miss her and somehow it always comes back to her. It makes me miss her too.

This is very similar. Every new year I sort of dread that March is looming in the horizon and I have more days of tears from January through March then I do the rest of the year. Now don't get me wrong, its not a daily thing but whereas I would go months without tears, this time of year its usually a few weeks of being ok then tears. This was typically how it went.

But this year is different.

As the first set of tears and sadness hit I then think of Abilla. Then as the tears really start to fall then I grieve for both Abilla and Genesis. Also there are days where I am ok in terms of Genesis and I think of Abilla. Then the tears of missing Abilla trigger the grieving for Genesis too. As a result of this there have been more tears than usual this time of year.

I feel like I am in uncharted waters. This is my new way of coping with both these important girls in my life. Its very different. Not really sure what to expect, but I am so thankful that I have Marlon to turn to. He knows he can't do anything to bring them back. But he is a wonderful listening ear and shoulder to cry on and that works wonders.

But just when I thought that I had found my groove with coping with all this and figuring out my new normal... then my new normal decides to change. I suppose thats life. Ever changing. Sigh.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

How amazing is my brother

Friday, January 4, 2013

Another flashback in the form of a confession

I remember something I used to do after Genesis died and before I had a living daughter. I don't remember if I have ever blogged about it before but since I don't remember chances are if I did blog about it, you all don't remember either. So here goes my confession.

As painful as going past the little girls clothes was I was sort of a glutton for punishment. I sort of longed at times to glance over there at the world of baby girls that I was missing out on. From time to time I would see the cutest outfit and I just had to buy it. My rule was if it was freaking adorable and $10 or less I would buy it. I would buy it because I was so sure I was going to have a living daughter one day. I was going to see to it that it happened. It served as a coping mechanism and also making it a bit more real that one day I will have a little girl of my own.

Over the years I would buy things on my own and both with either friends or family around. I would quickly put out a fake disclosure that "oh my friend's baby shower is coming up and I think she would like this..." I was going to a lot of baby girl baby showers based on how many times I used that line. Finally I had a whole storage bin full of the most adorable baby girl clothes that all had their price tags still on. Never used. And no baby girl to have to wear them. 

Then finally I got pregnant with G and the reality that I knew would come true, did. I had to have a lot of faith that it would happen. It wasn't if it happens, it was when. And I stuck with that.

On another note I briefly mentioned to my mom about how G has been saying "Genesis doesn't like that..." She quickly told me "You really need to stop telling them about Genesis. Its confusing them." Im sorry but I will never stop telling them about their sister. As most things to young children, they get confused as they develop and learn. They won't always be confused. They won't always say these things. They will get it one day. And Im sticking with what feels right in my heart. They need to know about their big sister. Them and any other future rainbows. Even Marlon agrees with this and says he has no problem with me telling them about her. 

Then today I came across this article. We have been there Im sure. But the part that gets me is where it says "My son is proud to have a brother." My rainbows will get to that point when they are old enough. Heck I think they may already be but are too young to really say so. They talk about her a lot and I think that is their way of being proud of her. Im proud of her too. And for that reason I will never stop speaking her name or keeping her memory alive.

Random flashback

I just saw a topic posted online through one of the loss Facebook pages that I follow and the topic was breast milk after loss.

This caused me to flashback to the early days after Genesis died. Im not sure that I shared this before but I thought now would be a great time to document and share another part of Genesis' story.

It was probably a day or two after I had said goodbye to Genesis at the mortuary when my mom thought it would be a good idea to take me out to get my mind off things. It was a cold and raining day. She took me to Glendora/ San Dimas just to run some errands and get out of the house and keep ourselves busy. We stopped at a big lots I think it was and I was randomly walking down the isles looking at all the little things I didn't need but just helping time pass to keep myself from reliving my nightmare. When suddenly the phone rang. It was the lady from the mortuary and she had some questions about Genesis and about the cremation. As I answered the phone I kept randomly walking down the isles not really paying attention to what was around me. As I hung up the phone I noticed I was in the baby isle. I was reminded of all the bibs, pacifiers, stuffed animals and cute baby clothes I would never need for Genesis. Stab through the heart. I had to leave the store. Then there was a target store across the street that my mom and sister wanted to go to. I went in and started looking at clothes. I found a blouse that I liked and went to go try it on. Since it was cold and raining I had a thick jacket on. When I removed it I noticed my black shirt was wet. I thought it was strange that the rain wet my shirt even though I was bundled up pretty good. When I removed my shirt to try on the blouse I quickly figured out that it wasn't the rain. My milk had come in. 

I was in complete shock. Being that this was the first time I had ever had a baby... and one that did not get to term... I had no idea that my milk would still come in. No one prepared me for this. My jaw was on the floor. I was forced to buy breast pads because I was leaking. So here I was in the baby section once again getting the pads and reminded that my body wanted to nourish the baby that I would never bring home. I was surrounded by all the new baby and maternity items I would never need once again. Then add to that there were bubbly and glowing pregnant women and mamas with new babies shopping in that isle at the same time. Then or course the baby clothes section is right next to baby care and mama care items so I had to walk right past that with tunnel vision being very careful to not lay eyes on any of the pretty, frilly, pink baby girl clothes. Those baby girl clothes sections were a very painful thing for me for many many years until I had G.

As I look back on this particular time I can see how far I have come. It still makes me sad though. I remember wishing that my milk would never dry up. It was the last proof that I had just had a baby. A real baby. It wasn't all a dream or in my head. She was real. This did happen. I was a mom.

So there is another little random memory from way back in March of 2007. Boy do I miss that sweet girl.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Comments

I had been looking back on my blog as I do from time to time, you know its nice to see how far you have come, and I noticed I used to get a lot more comments.

And don't get me wrong. Its ok that I don't get as many comments as I used to. For a good while I actually didn't get any. And thats totally fine. As I mentioned when I started this blog Im not writing for an audience. Its more to document my thoughts and things that happen that remind me of Genesis.

Although the last couple posts I have had I have gotten a few comments and it made me feel warm and fuzzy :) So I wanted to thank you all who follow my story and who are just as excited to see where life takes me as I am. I really do appreciate it. I appreciate all the people that comment as well as those that follow my story quietly. I do appreciate it you all. So this post is to say thank you for your love and support and still caring about my sweet girl, because after all, it was her and your sweet baby who brought you to my blog.

One other thing Ive been wanting to mention is about my other blog. Names On The Sidewalk. I have not posted there in ages and I feel so guilty about that. I have a wait list that has been growing and growing and these sweet hurting parents waiting for names to be written. I feel Im letting them down. I do intend to get back to writing names, probably not as frequently as before. I honestly don't know when Ill get back to it. Life has changed much from when I started that project and Im just so so busy these days. 

And then the horror of the Sandy Hook shooting. I wanted to add those precious names to the blog as well. Sigh. There are never enough hours in a day to get it all done. Marlon has asked if there is anything he can do to help me get through the list and I thought that was so sweet that he is supporting me, and other blms, in this project. Isn't he the best? yea one of the many many reasons why I love him and know he's the one. But at any rate, as I say a lot: time will tell.

I hate the way I think

I saw this photo this morning and it made me think things a normal aka non blm person would never think.

Of course I thought it was very presumptuous that you think you will actually take home a baby just because you are pregnant. I hate that I think like that but Im sure all my blms can understand where I am coming from.

I certainly hope she does, but we all know anything can happen. I hate that this is the way that I think now. I also hate how I react when I hear that someone is pregnant. Usually it doesn't bother me as much when I hear a BLM is pregnant {though it does tug at my heart strings a little} but it doesn't matter if its a coworker, friend, celebrity or complete stranger. They all make me feel the same. Jealous. Left out. Wanting another rainbow even worse.

I seriously feel guilty for feeling these things as I know there are people out there with no living children who desperately want them... and here I am with two rainbows and I still want more. 

I have no idea why I still want more. Shouldn't I be satisfied now? I have both a boy and a girl what more could anyone want right? Im not sure if its because Genesis isn't here that I still feel the void and that makes me want to keep having more. I mean if I have more will that feeling go away? Will I ever feel like Im done? Will I always have that feeling because I will always be missing one? I have no idea. The only thing I can do is live life the way I want, the way that is right for my family and go from there. I know that I do want more kids. One maybe two. I think Marlon and I will do one and see how it feels and then go from there. Sorry, Im thinking out loud. It's just I don't like the way pregnancy announcements make me feel right now. And haven't you noticed when one person is pregnant then thirty other people have announcements to make? Ok ok Im exaggerating there a little but there have been a lot of baby announcements in the last few weeks. Sigh. It will be my turn in the near future. I just need to be patient.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Out with the old, in with the new

Can you believe it? Its 2013! Seriously where does the time go. Well lets see here... I had a wonderful new years. Spent it with family and was full of love and fun. Couldn't have asked for a better new years. I start the year with much hope for the future. I know much is in store for me and my family. I am excited for what life will bring our way. 

I can't really believe that this year my sweet girl would have been 6. The closer we get to March the harder it is to believe. I need to pull out the BLM calendar I got and need to start my countdown to March. 

I guess I don't really have too much to blog about yet. Although one thing did sort of catch me off guard. Last night I took a picture of the first sunset of 2013, and I captured this.
I took this picture from my cell phone from my balcony which I do often. I took several pictures in a row one after another and this was the first one I took. It captured a bunch of moving little white things. Not sure what it is. And since Ive uploaded it here, you can't see it as clear but on my camera there are about 8 little white streaks varying in brightness. Not sure what it was but it caught my attention and made me think of my sweetie. Just thought I would share.
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