Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Ive been thinking

Ive been thinking about my chemical pregnancy. 

I blogged about it here.

I have sort of an inner struggle about how I feel about it. 

Chemical pregnancies are confusing, at least for me. One of the first signs that you are pregnant (aside from a positive test) is missing your period. And I didn't have that with my chemical pregnancy. From what I have read, its typical to get your period on time or a day or so late with a chemical pregnancy. And Miss Flow came right on time for me. 

All I had were the very faint positive tests. And when I say faint I mean REALLY faint. I had to edit the photos in order for it to show in a picture. Even in person I had to squint, turn it at certain angles and but on x-ray goggles... ok ok not so much the last one, but you get what Im trying to say. So part of me feels like I wanted to see a positive. Maybe it was an evaporated line and I took it as a positive. There are so many maybes. 

So many doubts.

I am very passionate about advocating for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness, and a chemical pregnancy is no doubt one type of pregnancy loss. I however just had/ have no attachment to it. I don't grieve that loss. I didn't have time to bond. I didn't have time to let it sink in. To accept it. I doubted it from the moment that I saw the potential two lines. I never really got excited. 

And for all of the above stated reactions, I feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. Because wasn't it I who said that I become Genesis mom at conception? That life begins at conception? Yes it was me. I do believe that. I still do. But why is this the exception? I suppose its because I don't have any solid proof that I was indeed pregnant. Yes I saw two lines. But how real were those lines? was it a defective test? So many what ifs. I cannot know for sure that I was indeed pregnant. 

I suppose one day I will know for sure.

But lets say there was a way to tell and I was confirmed to be pregnant and it was a confirmed chemical pregnancy. I still sort of feel the same way. Even if I was a week late or so I think I would still feel the same way. 

And again for that I feel awful. 

If I was indeed pregnant then that child is as much mine as any child. Yet I don't say that Im pregnant with baby #5. I just cant bring myself to say that. Im sorry but these are my true feelings. 

I really don't have a real explanation why. I just do. And I just came here to vent and let it out.

I suppose maybe if I choose to have another reading in the future I may get a surprised from this baby from the chemical pregnancy. Maybe thats the bond I need to count it. I have no idea. 

Like most things, time will tell.

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