7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
As of today I am 6 years, 6 months and 4 weeks out. How I feel is different everyday. Depends on what Im doing. Who I am with. Where I am at. What conversation takes place. Its all circumstantial. I feel I have come a long way. Much of the time I can speak her name to others and not cry. But if I am talking to family then the tears still flow freely. I never know when emotion will overcome me or not. It doesn't help now that I am pregnant again. Pretty much anything will make me tear up right now. Darn hormones. But I think for the most part my hear is lighter now, though at times it does become heavy, especially on her anniversaries. The only thing that I think I wrestle with is that family at times still does not remember her. They have their moments but I wish I didn't have to remind them. I also struggle with the fact that I should have daughters with me, and I don't. I hope there comes a time in my life where I can say that I have daughters to the fullest extent.
In my journey in life I have had many roles. Single woman. Then married. Then forced to be a single mom and then a single mom by choice. And now Im back to being married. I'm am a mama of 4 beautiful children. 3 I hold in my arms one I hold in my heart. 2007 was the year my life changed when my first daughter was stillborn. Little did I know my world as I knew it would never be the same.
This is a list of people regularly mentioned in my blog:
Mr. M aka Marlon~ My husband
Genesis~ My stillborn daughter
Exodus~ My daughter we lost as a chemical pregnancy
D~ My first son and rainbow #1
G~ My third daughter and rainbow #2
D2~ My second son and rainbow #3
N~ My fourth daughter and rainbow#4
Abilla~ My grandmother
What is a Rainbow Baby?
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. Itmeans that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darknessand clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
What's a BLM?
BLM stands for Baby Lost Mama.This means that a woman has lost at least one child, weather it be a pregnancy, infant or older child loss. For more information click on the International BabyLost Mother's Day button below.
The Loss Of A Child
"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." ~Ronald Reagan