Monday, September 9, 2013

Rainbow news

So today we confirmed 100% that rainbow #3 is a BOY! Like my other rainbows, I wont be publicly mentioning his name on this blog. But we will call him D2.

This has brought out such the mixture of emotions. Why is nothing easy as a blm...

Ill backtrack a bit here just to document my feelings. So after I had a rainbow of each gender you would think that I didnt have a preference as to what the sex of the baby would be. Of course as I have mentioned a million times before, I have always longed to be able to say that I have "daughters". I want to say it in the full sense where I actually do have living daughters because thats the life I should of had. Of course I know I have daughters but society looks at me like Ive lost my mind when I include the one that died. So of course that longing has always been nagging at my side.

When I got pregnant I day dreamed of this baby being a girl. I really hoped it was another daughter. God I wanted it to be a girl so so bad. But no matter how many times I would pretend in my mind that it was girl, no matter how many times I said the name I already picked out for my future daughter, no matter how close I was to buying little girl clothes at the store.... Every single dream I have had about this baby shows me its a boy. I have said his name in my dreams and saw him come out with boy parts. Even as recently as last night I dreamt that the ultrasound revealed it was a boy. I think my subconscious was trying to prepare me. But it really didnt.

I knew in my heart it was a boy but I held out for any hope that there could be a little girl in there. But once I got the 100% confirmation, there was no more dreaming of pink. 

Now dont get me wrong... Im so thankful to be blessed with another child. So incredibly blessed that so far this baby is a healthy and happy baby boy (he was smiling in today's ultrasound). Dont think for a moment that I would change things if I could. Because God gave me another son and that's what was supposed to happen. This son is already loved and treasured and will be spoiled just like the other rainbows. 

Im more sad for the death of another dream. A dream of having daughters. Who knows what the future holds for me. Perhaps its not the end of that dream. Perhaps its been pushed back. 

Sometimes I feel like I ask for too much. Like the "if you give a mouse a cookie" mouse. He wanted a cookie and he got it. He then wanted milk and he got it. He then wanted a straw and he got it. No matter what he got he always wanted more. Maybe Im like that. And I feel guilt for it. There was a point where I had no living children. Then I had a son. Then I wanted another daughter. Then I got it. But it wasnt enough and I wanted more. I wanted the ability to say I had daughters and finally I didnt get what I asked for. Makes me feel so selfish. And Im sorry but this is just not easy for me. These feelings confuse and surprise even me. I know people will not agree with my feelings... blm and non blm alike. And thats ok. We are all in our own journey in this grief... We dont have to think or act the same. 

Perhaps I should see it differently... When I had my first rainbow I had a son even though once again I wanted a daughter. Gender disappointment? Yes for a little bit, but I got over it and loved my little man like there was no tomorrow. I was eventually blessed with a girl. Perhaps God wanted me to learn to be patient or something. Hey you never know. Perhaps this is also another lesson in patience. I just dont know.

As always time will tell.

But we are happy to be expanding the family. We are grateful for another son. And we cannot wait to meet him early next year. I think I need to go buy some boy things to get really excited. I just need time.


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