Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Not Good, Not bad


That's how my appointment went today. I was more emotional and nervous than I even realized. I got there and filled out their paperwork. I sat in that same waiting room. I came in at a slow time so there was only one other mom waiting there before me. Naturally they called her first which left me as the only mama waiting there for a bit. Horrible flashback. Well that didnt last long. A mama came out and they sent her back to the waiting room. As she sat there she started to cry. I knew. I knew exactly why. I was her once. So so terrible. My heart went out to her.

But she was only sitting there for a few minutes before they called me in. So now my adrenaline was rushing a little bit more now and they asked the typical questions.

"What number pregnancy is this?"

"How many children do you have?"
{I both like and hate this question. I like that they dont assume that you have as many children as you do pregnancies. But at the same time I still count Genesis as my child. So perhaps it would have been worded a little different like "How many children do you have at home?"... just a thought}

"What happened to the other pregnancy?"

"Was IT stillborn due to Anencephaly?"

Having to answer those questions about Genesis sort of brought the emotions closer to the surface, though of course I was still hiding it well. At any rate then she dropped a bomb on me that I was not expecting. This may not be a big deal to some but it was to me. She said I was going to have both an abdominal ultrasound AND a vaginal ultrasound. I was taken aback by this. I had been to this office through 4 pregnancies now over the course of over 6 years and I have never had them do a vaginal ultrasound there. Additionally Dr. Devore is a male doctor and I personally do not feel comfortable having a male OB or any doctor do anything vaginal to me. While I was waiting for the doctor to come in I made up my mind. This was going against ever fiber in my body and I decided not do have the vaginal ultrasound. Only abdominal. I explained this to the nurse and she said it was ok to decline but know that the results may not be as accurate. I knew she was going to say that and I said that was fine. 

So in walks the doctor. Only this wasn't Dr. Devore. This as a much younger man. This must be his son or apprentice who is taking over the business or something. He was much more sociable and much nicer than Dr. Devore. And he didnt hurt me during the ultrasound. He kept saying that the baby was still a bit smaller than they would usually do an ultrasound like this for, but given my prior history with Anencephaly they see me earlier. 

The doctor confirmed Anencephaly did not occur with this pregnancy. They confirmed that D2 is in fact a boy. But in order to check proper heart development I will have to go back again in 3 weeks. Yep. Thats right. Start the whole nerve wrecking process all over again in 3 weeks. Oh but thats not all. Get this. My appointment is on October 15th. Yep, you read that right. Exactly on the day of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Ya. What are the odds. This sort of bothered me and I asked for a different date but due to the doctors schedule it had to be that date.

Anyway I came home and told my mom about the appointment. No scary maybe situations came up but I still ended up breaking down into tears when I told her. She asked if he said anything scary and I said no. But that it was very hard being back in that office. I hate going there. She replied by saying "Me too." After all she was there with me when they told me Genesis was going to die. I told her even though Ive been there 4 times now it doesnt get any easier. I go back to that same day with Genesis every single time. She simply replied with "I know." Im glad she sort of understands. 

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