Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I'm a defective mother

I honestly feel that I am at times. And almost all of the time it's due to others judgements. 

It's really unfortunate that people judge the way that parents parent their children. People who have kids judge and people who don't have kids judge. The world is just literally full of people that judge your every move especially when it comes to parenting.

You know, there are a million and one ways to do just about everything. And what works for one family may not for another. The world had to understand that that's ok. It's not a sin to parent differently than you.

As a blm I find that I parent differently than I would have had I never had a child die. Granted, my first child died, so I never really got to parent as a non blm. But I know that because of what I went through, I question everything. When I was pregnant with Genesis I was 23 years old. I was a young first time mom and pretty much had the mentality that I would do anything a doctor told me to do because... Well they were a doctor. I had planned to ask my mom for parenting advice and just go with what I was told. Losing Genesis taught me to be a better mother.

To do my own research. To decide on my own what was right for me and my family. I wouldn't do something just because someone or a doctor told me to do it. I wouldn't do something because it was the easiest choice. My children's lives were in my hands and I had to make sure that I made the best decision I could for me and my family. I'm not sure I could have learned the importance of this had I not gone through what I did. Maybe I might have, but I honestly don't think so.

I feel I don't parent like a normal parent. I have already lost a child and I know that nothing is promised. Life is fragile. It can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. I'm not naive anymore. If they get sick and have a high fever the thoughts of worst case scenario pop in my head. I think oh what if its (insert possibly fatal condition here)? Oh geeze I can't live through losing another child. Or if I hear someone get hurt and I hear that unmistakable cry that someone got really hurt, I worry if they are bleeding to death or chopped something off. I know I sound crazy but the thoughts pop in my head. I know realistically the odds of something that big happening aren't good but the fears pop up. 

The other day we were at the family's house and D was running around playing as kids do. And then he fell and hit a small table pretty hard. On this table was a very tall glass vase. When D hit the table of course the vase started to wobble and it nearly fell over on top of him. My knee jerk reaction was to jump up and try to catch the vase before it fell and smashed right on top of his face. Of course it eventually didn't fall but the fear was there. The potential of what COULD have happened all played out in my mind in that split second. This is the way I parent. And I'm thinking that being a blm is a big contributing factor.

Well I was told that I worry too much. That I baby the kids too much. That kids get hurt and that its good for them. (this is just sugar coating what was said. I was told a bit more and that I should stop) Ummm...  Ok where do I start. Ill probably agree that I worry about things that you're average mom maybe wouldn't worry about. I may be a bit more over protective than a non blm. And I honestly think that's to be expected. And Ill even say that I think it's good for kids to experience things and if that means getting a skinned knee here and there it some scrapes and bruises then that's fine. After all that's what my childhood was like and it was great. But it all has its limits. There comes a point where there is a difference between getting hurt and getting injured. A difference between worry and being overly protective and raising your child in a bubble and actually do them a disservice in raising them that way. There are extremes on either end. The tricky part is finding that middle ground. 

As a blm I don't think we can be solidly in the middle. As for me I think I tend to lean towards the side of caution. After all that sort of goes along with my conservative nature but more so as a blm. 

I find it very insulting when someone judges my way of parenting my kids. I think it's also the single mom in me. Thought I'm not single anymore, that was the only mom I knew how to be and it's not a mentality that will change overnight. While I did it on my own I worked my butt off for my kids. I went through hell and back. I did everything for them. Went through many struggles and trials and I did it all for them. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But when someone criticizes what I do, it tells me that I'm not good enough and that somehow I have failed. I know I'm not a perfect parent. But I can tell you that I give it my all and I give my best. That's all I can do. That's all anyone can ever ask. But when my best isn't good enough I feel like well then why even try. 

And you know the judgments come way before the baby is here. While pregnant you get judged for EVERYTHING. Oh you shouldn't eat that or drink that. You shouldn't have gotten that test or chosen to give birth in that way. You get judged for the way you let your child sleep to how you feed them to how you teach them to how you diaper them... My goodness the list is virtually endless. 

Lets back off people. Really. Give us tired hard working mamas a break. Give us kudos for all that we DO do. And if you can't say something nice or don't agree, then don't say anything at all. After all, how does my decision to let's say... Co-sleep, affect your life anyway? Yea it doesn't. 

Sigh. So I'm sorry for my rant but I needed to get these feelings of frustrations out. Parents are providing for their kids. They are happy, healthy, have a roof over their head and are given everything they need and more. So lets back off the small things. Who cares of a mom delays vaccines. Who cares if a mom decides to not cloth diaper. Who cares it a mom decides to circumcise her son. It's their decision to make. Plain and simple. If all needs are being met and the child isn't in danger it's none of our business.

After all, who knows if a mama is a blm or a single mom or just a mom with her own struggles. Certainly no one needs the added judgement to the already heavy load they carry.

Spread love and give props when you see them doing a good job.

Ok rant over.


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