Saturday, January 26, 2013

Getting closer

Yesterday was Christian's 6th birthday. Yes. Carly's Christian. His birthday always reminds me that Genesis' birthday is just around the corner. They were born sleeping the same year. So as I saw that she spend the evening of Australia Day last night remembering her sweet boy, I count the short 7 weeks that are left for Genesis' 6th birthday.

Also today I grabbed a journal to sketch in and found these pictures.




These are sketches of when I was newly pregnant with Genesis. I wanted to paint a mural in the nursery (which I ended up doing after she died because I was determined to finish it in her memory for the living children I would have one day). This was back when the name I had picked for her was Eva Violeta. These sketches brought me back to those days where I was obliviously pregnant without a doubt on my mind. I even sketched the layout of how I wanted the nursery.

As I flipped the pages of sketches there were sever blank pages and then this poem:
"That Day
That day I got the horrible news,
I swear I heard the heavens cry.
Please take me, take me instead!
My baby was not supposed to die.
Everything happened so very fast.
I didn't even know what to do.
I held you, I kissed you,
I could not take my eyes off you.
When the time came to put you down,
I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you there.
Alone and cold, never to see you again.
How could life be so unfair.
As I turned my back to leave you there,
I swear I heard the Earth moaning.
Each step I took, the more I hurt.
I wept and could not stop groaning.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months,
and still like a flood, my tears fell.
This agony, this pain I felt
was surely a living hell.
I was trapped in this life of grief.
This new life no one understood.
The things in life I used to see, had now faded.
I saw no more the good.
To have to live without a child,
is something no one should.
To say goodbye to something so pure and flesh of my flesh...
But yet I knew I would.
The pain burned past the heart and through the soul.
It makes the heart wish it would stop.
You see in color no more, just dull greys.
And your cries and screams echo through the mountain tops...
It makes the heavens cry and mountains crumble...
Oceans still and even the very flowers weep.
It stabs till time indefinite, deep into the universe.
There is nothing else like it.
This pain is ever so deep.
Never again will I be who I was.
She died when you did.
Though people want to deny you and pretend you never happened,
You'll forever be my baby, my daughter, my kid.
I'm lost without you...
And only live because my heart beats on.
Forever and ever, my soul is with you."

I had forgotten that I had even written that. Funny how reading these things years later, take you right back to the moment you put the pen to paper.

Sigh.

I miss you beautiful girl.








2 comments:

Mary said...

Beautiful! The scteches and the poem! All my love to your sweet girl!!

TanaLee Davis said...

I love the poem! That says it all in raw grief and longing to be with her. Made me nearly cry. I love the sketches are beautiful- very life like, especially the fish! You are talented tiffany, I love that you use that talent both in memory of genesis but also in your future. I adore you so,
Felicia

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