Thursday, December 27, 2012

Out of the blue & officially introducing someone special

the love I have for her. If this is me getting over it. Over her. Forgetting. Of course I know thats not true. I could never forget her. You are never truly over having to have part of you die. But these thoughts sometimes come to mind. Although the opposite is true as well... our love is not measured in the amount of tears that fall. Its confusing. There are no rules. Only feelings. Still... Im glad I don't cry as much but Im glad when it does happen. Glad for the release. It really does help.

It really does typically get harder this time of year. Occurrences like the one I had tonight are more frequent than the rest of the year. Mr.M was such a sweetheart about it. He let me talk about her. He listened. No judgements. Just a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. He comforted me and was rubbing my legs to help ease the pain and let me know he was there. He is so so caring. I cannot put into words how much that means to me. The poor thing was very tired after a long days work and he wanted to go to bed but I wanted to stay up and cry a little longer. You know, to let it all out and compose myself again. I told him to go to bed and that I would be there shortly. Instead he stayed up with me till I was good and ready to go to bed. Such a sweetheart. 

God I love that man. And he is everything I have ever needed and more. Which sort of leads me to a new topic. Mr.M. You have probably figured out from what I just mentioned that Mr.M and I have moved in together. This happened about 2 months ago and it has been wonderful. The rainbows have adjusted beautifully as well and we are a little family now. The kids even call him "daddy" now. Mr.M and I plan to marry soon. No date circled on the calendar as of yet, but we are taking the steps to move in that direction. I would expect it to happen some time next year or early 2014. We shall see how it all pans out. 

So with that I think its time for me to formally introduce to you the love of my life, my better half, the future father to my children and future husband. So from here on forth I will no longer refer to him as Mr.M. Mr.M's real name is Marlon.

Mr.M Marlon {sorry old habit} and I are quickly approaching one year together. I can't believe how fast time flies. He and I are happy, the kids are happy, we are all incredibly happy. What we have is absolutely incredible. So much so that I can't even put it into words. The closest I can come to even trying to explain what we have is that all the love songs you have ever heard, all the romantic stories and movies out there... that is what we have. Its so wonderful it at times is magical. Sorry I know it sounds cheesy, but hey, Im beginning to think that a love like the love we have is cheesy at times... and thats ok. I truly believe he is my soulmate. Its gonna be him and I {and the kids} forever. I can't wait till he proposes and we make it legal. It is going to happen. Its just a matter of when. Im so excited for the future.

No looking back

I can't believe its the end to another year. A year in the past, no looking back. Only moving forward, looking forward to great things. 

I can't believe 2013 is upon us. And I get a bit more anxious as we near March. 6 whole years in March. Speechless.

I've not really had any winks since the last time I posted, maybe one or two, but nothing really blog worthy. I did have something start to happen though. We went on a family vacation this past weekend and when we got back G started doing something new. If I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do or say if D bothers her or something she has started to say "Genesis doesn't like that." She has been saying that a lot over the last few days, mostly when she is upset or unhappy. I have no idea where she got this from as D never did it and I have never used that line for anything. All I have ever told them about Genesis is that she is their big sister. She died. We will see her in the new system and until then she is asleep in death. So this is just out of the blue. Im not sure what it means... if anything.

Monday, December 17, 2012


Im sure you all have heard about the horrific shooting over the weekend. 20 innocent children ages 6 and 7. This hit so close to home as D is 4 almost 5 and Genesis would have been 5 almost 6. and 20 sets of parents had to say goodbye to their child. It takes me back. And even as a BLM I can't fully relate in having your child taken in this manner. I can't even begin to fathom it. I have had to stop reading the news and even logging into Facebook as everything is about this horrific event. I have shed so many tears for those little lives. I saw this picture on Facebook and just had to share.
I think this is a beautiful graphic. Although I don't really believe that we die and go to heaven if you have been good, I still think its beautiful. It reminds me of the scene I think I will see in the new system when Genesis and all our lost loved ones will come running to us. It warms my heart and brings a tear to my eyes. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Winks and mail

I feel as though I have been mia on the blog for a little bit. Not much has happened. I have had a few little winks over the course of the last few weeks where I have either seen her name come up or I see the word "Paradise" which always reminds me of her. {if you recall this is where I believe I will see her again}

But not too long ago I got a lovely card in the mail. It's been a little bit since Ive got some BLM mail. Its always a nice surprise when I get a little something remember all of us. This particular BLM is the sweetest most thoughtful lady I think I have ever met. Not only did she remember Genesis but the rest of my family too, including Mr. M. She also remembered that I don't celebrate Christmas but she still wanted to send a little something as she put it, by sending an "all year card". What a sweetheart! Bless your beautiful soul. You know who you are.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Another trigger out of the blue

Mr. m and I were talking and he was telling me how he wanted to give me a spa day to get pampered and a massage and whatnot.

In our convo I mentioned I only ever had one REAL massage at an actual spa. And it took me back. Way back. About February 2007. I was pregnant with Genesis. Little did I know it was about a month before she would be stillborn. I had read that you should be careful with prenatal massages especially too early in pregnancy. I think I was worried it might be too early but the discomfort and pain I was in pushed me to just do it. The massage felt amazing. It was at the Ritz Carlton in Pasadena. I remember after Genesis died I remembered the prenatal massage and wondered if I had it too early and caused her condition. Of course it didn't, but I sort of always blamed myself for what happened as I was supposed to be her temple and help her grow big and healthy. Sigh. As I flashed back to that moment tears filled my eyes as I was sitting in the car at a red light. I turned away so Mr. M couldn't see.

We were on our way to a store to get myself some jeans that I so desperately needed and the lady who worked there and helped me into a fitting room was named Genesis. Come on. What are the odds?! One of the girls there with her gf a walkie talkie and kept saying Genesis name into it. She said it about three times with me standing right next to her. It sort if made me stop dead in my tracks, hold my breath and then smile knowing it was her giving me a wink.

Also last night in my moms room, my sister and our kids were playing on my moms bed. All the grand kids love that bed. I was taking pictures of the kids when I noticed above the kids in one of the pictures there was a pink blur. It only came out in one photo. I'm so mad at myself because I accidentally deleted it. But I know what I saw. Then the light started flickering. Then it made a pop sound and then in burned out and turned off. Minutes later it turned on again. Here is the picture of it turned on after it burned out.

Have you ever see a light bulb turn back on after it burned out? I haven't. Even my sister commented on the light. Then a few minutes later it burned out AGAIN! Here is the pic of it after it burned out and it turned back on.
Sooooo weird. My sister definitely thought something was up and looked at me like what is going on. The whole time we were there it would turn off and on every few minutes. As you can see this is a ceiling fan with many light bulbs. But this only happened to that one on the left. I think that was a wink too.

Ps. did you notice the second picture has an orb in the lower left hand corner... ooooh...

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