Thursday, November 29, 2012

Hmmm

So remember how in the past Ive mentioned that the days leading up to and following many of Genesis' anniversaries have significant things happen? As well as on the day of whatever anniversary it may be. {tsunamis, earthquakes, hummingbird coming in the house...} Well something a bit odd happened on Thanksgiving Day that I did not mention before.

As I was getting dressed to go take the rainbows to Genesis' Garden my elbows started to get itchy. I didn't think much of it. I thought maybe it was the shirt I put on that just itched. But as the day went on it got worse. Way. Worse. By the time I got back from the park this is what my elbows looked like.
I was getting worried at this point. The hives were spreading and getting so so itchy. I have no idea what caused it. I thought I would put some creams and take some benadryl or something to help with the swelling. So I did that and slept on it hoping it would be better in the morning.

Well not so much. I was itching all through the night and when I woke up the rash and hives had spread from head to toe. Literally. I had it on my scalp, my ears, my hands my toes. Everywhere. I was officially panicking. I headed to the urgent care and before my very eyes my skin was turning red in blotchy patterns. This is what I looked like while sitting in the waiting room.

This was very scary to me. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Turns out it was a sever allergic reaction to something I either ate or inhaled. Again we have no idea what exactly that was. I had to have a steroid shot and take 21 pills over the next couple of days. Im happy to say it has all cleared up since then. But it def made me think that odd/outoftheordinary/strange/inexplicable things happen on or around her special days.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

There is always a reminder that pops out of the blue

And that's just what happened last week while I was cleaning out my pantry and medicine cabinet. I came across these bottles of pills. THOSE pills. As far as I am concerned, it's because of the three bottles on the left that I have to take the bottle on the right. Sigh.

Kind of ironic to see these next to each other.

A picture post

I wanted to let you all know I have added a few more pictures to Genesis Gallery if you are interested in taking a look. I also wanted to highlight some of my recent favorite pics. 


 The above photo is of the rainbows kissing Genesis' photo in her photo album. G and D but mostly G always asks to look through her album and when we get to her photo they always kiss it. So touching.
This picture is amazing to me because D drew this at school. I had to edit it because he put his name and G's name on there but you can see why it touched me. He freely speaks of both his sisters in school and even drew her in our family photo. Just amazing. 

And the other day the rainbows took their first group picture with our Geneis' bear that we got from Molly Bears. It was a photo that was way over due but so so adorable. Of course I couldnt post that here for the rainbow's privacy but once again you can check them out in my facebook page if interested.

Lastly I came across a beautiful organization called Heart To Heart. You can read more about them on their facebook page and website. I put in a request for my very own "Heart To Hold" and it came in the mail today.
The card and pillow were absolutely precious and I cant wait to add them to our blessing ring and memory box. And by the way, the pillow weights exactly as much as Genesis did, 9.71 ounces.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

6 Years ago today I found out I was a mama

(please pause music player at the bottom of the page before you hit 'play' to watch video)
So here are the photos of our visit to Genesis' Garden as promised. I took a ton more photos but of course for the rainbow's privacy I omitted the ones with them in them. For all the photos you can check them out on my facebook page.










Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A wink in an unexpected place

G had a dentist appointment today and As a little treat for doing so well the dentist gave her this:
At first it may seem like nothing special but if you look at it, the little lip gloss set is a clover. A clover made of hearts. Pink hearts. What are the odds? It's nowhere near St. Patty's Day. I just knew it was a wink from her to let me know she was there.

Monday, November 19, 2012

We are getting close

Close to THAT day. A few things have happened in the last few days. First off, in a conversation with Mr.M we were talking about the future and kids and how he's now that father figure for the rainbows. He brought up Genesis and told me that he would have been a father to her too. He fully plans on letting any future kids know about their big sister who is no longer here.how amazing is he? He never ceases to amaze me.

Second I got another wink. I was coming down the stairs and I saw this paint mark that looked like a letter "G". That's the second "G" in like a span of a few days!

And lastly I was in the nursery putting clothes away and I got a feeling. A feeling I've not felt in a long time. Let me take you back for a minute. When both the rainbows were young... From about infancy till about 18 months anytime we were in the nursery they would look behind me into the hallway as if they were looking at something. They just stared and would not take their eyes off of whatever they saw. They went as far as pointing and saying "mommy look". It freaked me out. That feeling came back today but I was the only one in the room. I felt a presence behind me. I even kept turning around expecting to see someone. I didn't of course but the feeling was very much there.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Some incredible winks

I was sitting in the living room two nights ago just reading before bed. The rainbows were in bed already and it was just some quiet me time. I was up there for a good hour when all of a sudden one of the kids toys went off for no reason. We have a ton of toys that make noises, tons. But the one that went off was in the toy chest and I think it was one of G's baby dolls. The noise I heard was like a baby babbling and then giving a kiss. I immediately thought of Genesis. Don't ask me why. Im not sure. But I felt like it was her way of letting me know she was there and she was "giving me a kiss".

I have noticed that the bathroom lights are now flickering from time to time. Not really sure about that but it caught my attention for sure. 

Ok now the big one. I have this little curtain thing to cover my pantry. Its made of like little woven straw circles or something. Here is a picture of it to the left. I have had this thing forever. Since before I had kids. Its super old and as soon as the rainbows were born of course you know that they were playing with it. So its missing some strands, some strands are shorter than others and of course there are loose ones always falling off from time to time. I had one fall off yesterday and I really didn't think much of it. I actually didn't even see it until I stepped on it. I took a step back and this is what I saw.
This one was a letter "G". It was a perfect "G". I have never seen one fall like this before. Ever. It had to be a wink. I just know it is. Of course I saved it. But I just had to share this. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Some random things & the mommy photographer

I had a little wink yesterday. A little hummingbird was just hovering over my car as I was leaving to buy groceries. Isn't it amazing that the smallest of things can make us smile? I love it.

Also if you recall, in my reading the medium said something about the light above the stove burning out or the light bulb shattering? Well that specifically has not happened. Although, there have similar things. I rarely will have a lightbulb go out, but yes it does happen from time to time. I guess I just buy really good bulbs that last forever ha ha. But interestingly since the reading I have had two lightbulbs go out. It definitely caught my attention but for now Im passing it off as a coincidence. 

Also a totally random topic is about how I am a picture taker. I take TONS of photos especially of the kids. Yes I am one of those moms thats always clicking away. Even Mr. M commented on it. But Im not just one of those moms. Im also a BLM. I find that I take TONS and TONS of photos because I want to remember everything with the rainbows. Everything. I know what its like to have only one photo of my daughter. I wish so badly that I had more. Its one of the biggest regrets of my life that I did not take more photos. I don't want to make the same mistake again. Who knows what will happen in the future. God forbid anything ever happen to the rainbows. I want fond memories to look back on. I know its a grim way to think but as mentioned countless times before in this blog, the innocence is gone. We all know too well that things can change in the blink of an eye. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

More winks

This morning while catching up on my daily celebrity gossip I saw a few winks. You know those codes they have you enter to skip ads before you watch a video online? Well check this out. The first one totally caught my eye. The garden of eden is where I believe I will see Genesis again. Then labour of love totally reminded me of being in actual labor giving birth, again reminding me of her. And then I was thinking I should blog about this as a wink then I got the third one that said blog this. If this isn't a clear enough sign then I don't know what is.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Some incredible stuff

I had my reading yesterday... I tell you, going into it I really tried not to have any expectations as I didn't want to be disappointed. I also told myself that this stuff is usually a joke and that they tell you broad generalizations that can apply to many people. So I guess I was more curious what would happen rather than actually get or send messages to my loved ones. 

My reading was an hour long and it started like this: 

The lady didn't know really anything about me except that I had lost a child. She didn't know when it happened, or at what age the child passed or how she died or even her gender. The first thing she told me is that she sees an older woman coming through, my moms mom. She didn't mention any names but I knew it was Abilla. She said your grandmother is here. She keeps telling me "sunshine" over and over. Then she said it was the song "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." My grandmother sang this to me as a child. She said my grandmother was giving me specifics so that I knew it was her without a doubt. I accepted this with a grain of salt as Im sure many a grandmother has sang this song to a grandchild so I wasn't sure it was specific to me. She then acknowledged that I was 1 of 4 children in my family. That is true. I am the oldest of the 4. She also acknowledged my birthday in September. She also mentioned my grandmother had an accent. Wow, um ok this is pretty spot on. Then she said my grandmother was saying "Magali and Tony"... these are her children's names... my mom and uncle's name. Wow, can't get any more specific than that. She also said the word "Abby". This took me a minute but "Abby" is my uncle's nick name that his grandchildren call him. I have never called him that in my life nor have I ever referred to him as that name to anyone else, and she knew that this was another name that he went by. Sort of in awe now.

What she said next made my jaw drop. She said Abilla was showing her a picture. A picture that was on a table or some sort of furniture piece. It had something on the picture. Something on next to it. Something actually hanging off the side of the picture. She said she wanted to say it was like a keychain or something like that. I was left speechless. I have a photo that I took with Abilla when I was younger that I put up after her funeral on my entertainment center. I had put a necklace hanging on the corner of the frame. This necklace. The necklace I had bought for Abilla many years ago. The one I took back when I knew she was leaving us and I wore it to her funeral. I put it on the picture thinking it was perfect since she was wearing it in the photo. She saw that. SHE SAW THAT. SHE. SAW. THAT. I have no words. 

But thats not all. The lady then said your grandmother is talking about a sparkle. She said you saw a sparkle in the sky. A bright light, shining, like a sparkle. OMG. Remember this post? The inexplainable flash of light on the day she died?! I told her omg she knew about that? She said yes, not only did she know about it but she made it happen. She said that it was a sign that something was going to happen. That is exactly what I said it was! I told her this. I was confused as it happened while Abilla was alive, she died about 13 hours later. She said our loved ones when coming through sometimes bring up about 3 days before they pass and have abilities to do things like this during the dying process. Wow. So according to her that flash of light was Abilla telling me that today was the day she was leaving and to prepare for that. No words. 

She then said something very specific. She said you have her earrings. OMG. Yes. I was given some of her jewelry after she passed including earrings. She told me she wanted me to pass them on to G. She mentioned G several times. Wow. 

Now I don't have my notes in front of me from the reading so I am sure to be forgetting some details and mentioning things out of the order she told me. But she told me that she saw Abilla holding a child. A girl. Not a toddler. Younger. An infant. Very young. She had big eyes....Yes my Genesis did have big eyes. She said that Abilla kept telling her that she is her sweet angel. She was holding her very tight, cradling her rocking her back and forth, back and forth. She is Genesis protector. She is very protective of her. She kept mentioning that she saw the child was a chubby baby with chubby cheeks. I didn't know Genesis like that but perhaps this is the way she is letting me know that she is healthy where she is. Im not sure. Abilla then kept saying 5 years. 5 years. The medium asked if this meant anything to me and I said yes. Its been 5 years since Genesis died. Then she said she saw something about the 18th. That one didn't make sense to me. She said to write it down it may make sense later. 


Next she said Abilla was handing me yellow roses. My favorite rose. And then she spoke of a plant outside my home. She said there was a plant to the left of the house by a fence. This was pretty incredible as my mom had planted a rose bush for each one of her kids on the left side of the house by a fence. My bush was one of yellow roses. She was trying to validate that once again she was here around us. The picture to the right shows the yellow roses in full bloom and the wood fence not too far behind it. Incredible.

The medium said often times our loved ones will answer questions we have without us having to ask them. I had always wondered if Genesis suffered. If she died right away or if it was a process. I also wondered at what time she died. Like my mom said she swears she saw Genesis move right as she was being born but the doctor insists she was stillborn. I never really knew the truth. So the medium said that Abilla was presenting her with blue flowers which signify to her a quick passing. She said Genesis had a very quick passing. It was like the flip of a switch. This brought me comfort. And in regards to when she died, Genesis said 2. Not sure what that means. Maybe 2:00 pm... I guess with that I will never really know.

The medium said she was being shown ladybugs. Not sure why but thats what they were sending to me. She was also able to tell that Genesis died from a birth defect, not an accident or a crime or illness. She said Abilla also knew my concern with an illness that is specific to boys. This is true. There was a time where there was the potential of being a carrier for duchenne muscular dystrophy which is only specific to boys, but as it turns out I am not a carrier. She kept letting me know that they are watching over me. They are very much with you. They are guiding and looking over you. She also told me Abilla was telling her there was an issue with my kids father. This is true. She was telling me that she knew about my divorce. Something I had spared telling her as she wouldn't have remembered anyway with her alzheimer's. She wanted to let me know that she was so sorry for all the pain I have gone through. She was telling the medium she felt so much pain for me. The pain was making her anxious. She told me that I am much better off without my ex husband. This I already know ha ha.

One thing that touched my heart is Abilla kept saying "Your two girls, you have two girls." As you all know it is so so important for me for people to acknowledge Genesis and as blogged about before, I still have a foreign phrase. And that is "daughters". "Girls" would fit here too. I have daughters but I live in a world where only one is acknowledged and so I can only say I have "a daughter". Abilla was giving me validation that I do have daughters. This was so very sweet and loving. And she said she was a some sort of scale, a scale of love and it showed that it was so very full. She could pick up on the bond we had and how much love there is for each other. 

One thing that caught me very off guard was she said "Im sorry but I have to ask this... are you pregnant?" To my surprise I said no I am not. Then she asked if I was trying to get pregnant. Again I said no. She said well your grandmother is telling me something about a new baby in your future. And the number 10. Im not sure if this means you will find out on the 10th of a month you are pregnant or you will be due in the 10th month... something about a new baby for and the number 10. Just write it in your notes and maybe it will make sense in the future. Wow. Um... no idea about that one. Maybe she was giving me validation that I will have more kids. Not sure. Oddly enough last night I had a dream I was pregnant with a girl. Hmmm.

She also mentioned that she knows I have been worried about G. There was a little minor something I have been worried about and perhaps it was about that. Abilla told me not to worry, that G will be ok. She then kept referencing G's eyes. And that she had Genesis' eyes. She said Abilla said "Look at G's eyes and you will be looking at Genesis' eyes." I think this finally answers the question of what color eyes Genesis had. I had always hoped that she got green as there was a 25% chance but in my heart I knew she was a brown eyed beauty like the rainbows. I think this pretty much confirms it as much as I can in this world.

Then Abilla showed the medium a foot. She asked if I hurt my foot or if Abilla had a hurt foot. Something with someone's foot. I said yes. When I was younger I would give Abilla foot massages. I gave her so many through the years. She had poor circulation and her feet would get swollen everyday. I would rub her feat to help with that. When I went to go say my final goodbye to Abilla, I have her one last foot rub for old times sake. She acknowledged that I did that for her. I can't believe it. The medium said looking at Abilla she was stunned at how beautiful she was. Smooth porcelain skin. Very light. And a classic beautify like Sofia Loren. I said yup, thats Abilla. Everyone said she looked like a movie star.

Now Abilla mentioned something that no one could possibly know unless you were in my immediate family. The medium did not speak Spanish. Yet, Abilla was telling her a spanish word. She tried to say it "Pononi" "Panini" something of that nature. Wow. When I was a toddler I tried to say "pantalones". In Spanish that means pants. But I could not pronounce it so I called them "pon-non-non-es". My family thought that was the cutest thing and it stayed with us over the years as a family joke/story. This warmed my heart. Again, more validation. She said Abilla had a wonderful sense of humor. That was for sure. That made me laugh thinking of her contagious laughter.

She kept saying "I have your sweet angel" and kept rocking her back and forth. She then presented the medium with lavender flowers. This is significant for two reasons. They were probably violets. Her name is Violet in Spanish, Violeta. These flowers were also presented to the family at her funeral. She then went on to tell me that she was worried about my mom and the amount of meds she is on and that she sees a lot of doctors. She told me to tell my mom that its not her time. Yea I won't be doing that as my mom doesn't believe I should even be doing this in the first place. 

Then something pretty specific was mentioned. She said Genesis was showing her a car windshield. I asked what color the car was as this could be referring to a couple different cars. She said Genesis was showing her a light car, maybe silver and a red car. My car is a very very light green which can be mistaken for silver at times. And my moms car is a shade of red, its maroon. When I asked which one of these cars she was talking about she said she wasn't sure if Genesis was playing with her but she told her both. This is really something. In my car I have a sun catcher hanging from my rearview mirror with her name on it. On my moms car, she has a sticker with Genesis name and birthday on it. Amazing. 

The medium asked me if I had any questions I wanted to ask. The only thing I could think of at that moment was if the signs I see are really her or am I making myself see them because I want to see them. She told me I already know the answer to that. She said you know they are signs. They really are. You are afraid of what people may think or say. Afraid of being judged and so you second guess yourself. They are signs though. As she was saying this Genesis interrupted her and said she was going to send me a sign. She said it had to do with the light above my stove. Either the light bulb was going to go out, break or flicker. Something with the light. She didn't know when it would happen but just make a note of it and see if something happens in a few days or whatever. Hmmm. Interesting. 

I also asked if it bothers her when people forget her and don't count her. The medium said no. That only matters to us when we are alive. Where they are it doesn't matter. I guess thats good to know. That only I am hurting when people do that. Id hate for my girl to feel pain. But she told me to keep doing what Im doing by keeping her name alive. Tell her siblings about her and that Im doing a good job.

One of the last things she said Abilla told her was "Always a rainbow" "You will always have a rainbow" "There will always be a rainbow". Wow. I explained this is significant to me as my kids are rainbow babies. 

Well there you have it. So much information. So much to process and Im not sure what to think.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

A surprise dream

Ive mentioned before that I don't really dream of Genesis. I wish I did, but I really don't. Im not sure why. I have had about 3 dreams about Genesis and Im giving birth to her or I have had her and Im gazing into her honey colored eyes... Last night I had another dream about her, but in a different sense. 

I was at a lake with a waterfall and there was supposed to be gold buried at the bottom of the lake. Then not too far from the lake's shore was a coffee shop that had teas and pastries. They had beautiful decor and there was a contest going on on naming their new coffee bean.. I know totally random. And so naturally I thought I would enter the contest and submit a "Genesis Bean" as a name for their new coffee bean. As I walked inside to enter the contest I looked to my left and there were a bunch of ceramic vases painted in jade green, they were tall and rectangular. They had words and phrases stamped on the side of them. The first one I saw said "Genesis". In my dream I was like 'wow that is an awesome wink'. So in my dream she was already gone but I was finding winks even in my dream. I got distracted while at the coffee shop and didn't get a chance to enter the contest or even take a picture of that vase. I don't really remember anything more of the dream. I just thought that was interesting. 

Might have something to do with the fact that I have a "reading" tonight. Not sure. We will see soon enough.

Speaking of winks, I did get a wink in real life on Sunday. I was helping my boyfriend clean up his room and we found his old senior high school yearbook. Guess what was on the cover? Genesis. Yup. What are the odds? Check out the picture to the right. Pretty incredible. What I also thought was cute is that he said guess what is on my yearbook, and I had no idea. He was covering it with his hand and very excited to show me. I love that he now remembers Genesis in all things with me. I know its so easy to judge from the outside looking in and Im so so fortunate to have someone willing to acknowledge, accept and support me with the life I now lead.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Faith and beliefs

It's no surprise that from the moment I was told my daughter would die up till present day, my faith has changed drastically. I don't think even I know how its been affected or what I do or don't believe in every aspect. There is still a big unknown to me. 

Losing her wasn't the only thing that shook my faith. It was what my husband at the time did to me as well and the actions of both my family and church members over the course of the last few years. I know that I still believe in the resurrection hope and that I will see my sweet girl and my beloved grandmother Abilla in the new system. I still hold on to the beliefs in the sanctity of blood and in observing the passover. Aside from those things I am sort of in a grey area. Im still figuring it out myself I think. 

Previously I had been against trying to communicate with those that are no longer here. I think I sort of am still. Im not sure. Although I know many BLMs that have done it. Additionally I don't know the difference between a medium and a psychic and who knows what else is out there. Some from what I am told actually try and communicate with the dead, others pick up on energies or something. Honestly Im not sure. Anyway I know a friend of a friend who does this as a living. She offered to do a reading for me tomorrow. I said what the hey, sure. 

So Im a little nervous about what will happen. What to expect. I don't know if I get to ask questions, and if so I have no clue what to ask. My motto for a lot of things are if you never try it you will never know. So I figure I will try it once and then make up my mind on this later. I know many may not agree with this route but I feel its something I need to do so that I never wonder "what if" or "what could of happened". I will know soon enough what happens. I will be sure to post about it.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

My BLM New Years


I find myself just sort of staring off into space with a blank expression on my face... no scratch that... at first it feels like a blank expression but then I eventually feel the sadness in my face. The disappointment. And I can feel my face get... I don't know the word... it gets hard. Not frowning, but just empty. I have no idea if that makes sense but there you go. 



The other day one of my BLM friends, Jaime, posted her blog post for Capture Your Grief~ Day 30: Tell Your Grief To The World. Her post had no text just this picture:

She hit the nail on the head. I have thought about this before. Many times. I would be so so sad if I knew that when my time here is done that no one would ever speak her name again. The thought of that brings me to my knees. 


So I was thinking the other day about Jaime's post and about it almost being November and what life would have been like if Genesis were here. Two daughters and a son. All playing together. Would I have been one of those moms where I have my girls dress alike. Yeah, probably. Ha ha! God I can only dream of what it would be like. Sigh.


I wonder SO often who Genesis would be. My brown eyed (just assuming there) brown curly haired girl with long eye lashes and big 'ol beautiful lips. She would be the big sister that D & G would look up to so much. She would be the leader. The oldest, just as I was. I had so many dreams for her... dreams that will never be fulfilled, but now turn into day dreams of what should of been. God I miss her. And now that my BLM calendar has started anew, today being what I like like to call my "BLM New Years", its day one of year 6. 6 YEARS! I cannot believe its been 6 years since it all started and then fell apart. Sigh.


I got a wink today at work. I love them so much. As always she just knows when I need them. 

A visit from grief on an ordinary day

Thanks to Facebook I came across a wonderful article. It was so good I think I need to repost it. I really could not have said it better.


A visit from grief on an ordinary day



It’s an ordinary day - don’t most days start out that way? I browse the jeans rack wondering how it’s possible that my little boy has grown so quickly – 4T, maybe even regular 4 or size 5.  
It’s Toddler Thursday – that blessed day when all kids’ clothes are half price. I’ll load up the cart and my son will be set for the long winter ahead.
I hear the bells above the door jingle. Someone has entered. My spine tingles.
I pluck a pair of jeans off the rack. Oooh, perfect. This pair has those stretchy little elastic tabs for sizing. Wyatt’s pants are always too big around his little waist. I drape them over the cart handle.
I move along and my fingers linger briefly on a pair of jeans with pink fringe around the bottoms. In that instant, I feel him come up behind me.
Not today. I have so many things to do. Please go away.
I continue on to the next rack.
Remember Toddler Thursday?
I press my eyes closed. He’s here. Of course I remember. I’ll always remember.
I busy myself with my search. My fingertips graze an embroidered flower on the back pocket of a pair of girls’ jeans. I never did understand why they mixed the boys and girls clothes together in this store. It doesn’t make sense.
He laughs at my frustration, then he moves in so close that I can feel him breathing on my neck. But there’s no fear. I know him too well to be afraid of him anymore. We spent endless days, sometimes weeks, together in the beginning without so much as a break. He even infiltrated my dreams.
I turn around to face him. What are you doing here, Grief? It’s just an ordinary day.
He smirks, knowing I know better than that. Ordinary days are my favorite days. You know I like to arrive when I’m least expected.
It’s true. He rarely shows up on the days I’m prepared for him – birthdays, Heaven days and holidays. I move on to the rack of long-sleeve shirts, and he moves along with me. He’s practically touching my arm as he peers over my shoulder.
I like that one. He points to a hot pink shirt with a peace sign and daisies decorating the front.
Me too. I would have gotten that for her.
And you probably would have had a matching shirt of your own. Maybe you’d call yourself twins and she’d giggle, hug you and say, ‘I love you mommy’.
I exhale sharply and shake my head. He’s right.
Can you believe she would have been five this year?
I feel the tears prickle my eyelids, but they don’t fall. Instead I think about the school clothes I would have bought for her – most likely in this store on a Toddler Thursday. An ordinary day. During her four months with us she wore many of the clothes I bought for her; others remain in a pink bin with the tags still attached.
You look sad. Does it bother you that I’m here? He cranes his neck so he can see my face.
I shake my head. No, it was harder in the beginning, but now I’m sort of used to you … of course I could do without these random visits.
He laughs and I move along the rack, selecting an orange and brown striped shirt. I don’t attempt to ignore Grief anymore. That makes him feisty and he sticks around even longer, poking and prodding to get my attention.
I stop and turn to face him. Actually, sometimes I like it when you come. The pain feels raw again and it feels like proof that she was really here. That she lived.
He looks away.
I turn back to the rack and I can feel his eyes on me. I think I’ve learned how to deal with you. This is a lifelong journey and you’ll be with me forever … It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, I guess. We can learn how to live with each other.
I wait for a smart remark, but he’s quiet. I pick up a tan shirt with a dinosaur on the front. Wyatt will love this!
I walk toward the checkout and Grief follows, a few steps behind me now.
“Hi there,” I say to the clerk behind the counter. “How are you today?”
Grief gives a little grunt then walks toward the door. He gets ornery when he doesn’t have my full attention. Out of the corner of my eye I see him give a little wave.
See ya soon kiddo. Take care.
I turn quickly to look at him – was that compassion I heard in his voice? But it’s too late, he’s already outside on the sidewalk, strolling away  – at least for today.



You can find the original article here.
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