Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 31

Day 31: Sunset
I immediately thought of my sweet girl when I snapped the above photo. Skies like this leave me in awe and bewilderment and hope. Id like to believe she sends me these skies and enjoys watching my reaction. I think maybe she may be looking at the same sunsets I see but from the other side.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 30

Day 30: Your Grief~ Tell The World

Monday, October 29, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 29

Day 29: Music
All the music on this blog reminds me of her. Most recently its Paradise by Coldplay.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 28

Day 28: Memory
I remember every detail of Genesis' story like it was yesterday. I have it documented here on the blog. To read it please click here.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 27

Day 27: Artwork
Well I don't really have any artwork I have done. I already posted a photo of Genesis' name I have in my office done by the lovely Fran at Small Bird Studios. But aside from that I have always loved the art at Beyond Words Designs. What caught my eye one day was a piece she did that had the word/name Genesis in it. I think it was a wink or some sort of sign that I need one of her pieces. I have yet to get one yet, perhaps one day.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Bitter sweet goodbye to my sweet Yoshi

I have mentioned Yoshi before here. Yoshi is my black pomeranian. I bought him right after Genesis died. He brought me much comfort then. He was born Valentine's Day 2007... Genesis was alive then. Every year I think about how Yoshi and Genesis should have been the same age. Sigh. At any rate, I have reached a crossroads in my life where I need to simplify my life. I have too much on my shoulders as a single mom and 3 kids, a boyfriend, two goldfish and two dogs is getting to be a lot. So Im gonna take it down a notch to just one dog. Its sad to say goodbye to Yoshi but it needs to be done. He is just too much work. 

Yoshi was raised on a puppy mill. I had no idea until after I brought him home. As a result he wasn't really socialized as a puppy and is very skittish. He acts very nervous, as if I just brought him home yesterday and as if he didn't know his surroundings. Ive had him for 5 years pretty much since he has been born. He is a sweetie though, thats for sure, but he doesn't like to sit still for long and he isn't much fun for the rainbows to play with. He makes my other dog bark and it would just be easier with one dog. I am fortunate enough to have found a great home for him with a lovely single mama. I know he will be taken good care of there. He is being placed tomorrow. 

Capture Your Grief~ Day 26

Day 26: Their Age
Genesis would be 5 years, 6 months and 26 days old today.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 25

Day 25: Baby Shower/ Blessing
I never got to have a baby shower or blessing way for Genesis. Its something I feel we both missed out on. Although I can't imagine getting all the gifts for a little girl and not knowing what to do with them after she died. Then my first rainbow was a boy so they would have been sitting in storage for a while. That may have made things harder.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 24

Day 24: Siblings
I have had two rainbow babies since Genesis. First my rainbow boy D. And second my rainbow girl G. For privacy reasons I do not post their names or photos. But they look so much like their big sister. When I look at them I get a glimpse of what Genesis would have looked like. I plan to give her at least one or two more siblings God willing.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 23

Day 23: Their Name/ Their Photo

Genesis Magali Lopez
Genesis meaning: Beginning
Magali meaning: Pearl, Daughter of the Sea

For privacy reason I do not share the one and only picture I have of Genesis. I do have a part of that picture on my blog which I have placed here. These are her tiny and perfect little feet.

Monday, October 22, 2012

winks & things

Yesterday I had a couple of winks. Again I was coming back from doing the laundry and going up my stairs when the same (I think) hummingbird zoomed right up to me and looked at me right in the face for a good 2 seconds or so before flying off. Im not sure why it keeps happening there but Im thankful for each time it does happen. Then the rest of the day I saw dragonflies everywhere. It was wonderful.

Also some unexpected reminders. I was watching a few movies over the last few weeks and they all pretty much referenced a child of 5 years old. Sigh. 5 years old. One of these movies was Kill Bill 2. 
Im not sure if you have seen this movie...if you want to and haven't, stop reading I don't want to spoil anything. So Kill Bill one shows Uma Thurman pregnant. She gets attacked and goes into a coma for 5 years only to wake up and there is no baby. She is devastated thinking her baby died. In part two she finds Bill so she can kill him only to discover he has her daughter. Her 5 year old daughter. This was the first time she ever laid eyes on her and knew that she was alive. Man, the thoughts that went through my head. 

What I wouldn't give to find out there was some sort of huge mix up. Even if someone committed a crime and took her from me but I came to find out she was alive and well... my I really don't have the words. Watching this scene and then watching them bond was amazing. I pretended for a moment it was me given this miraculous opportunity. The opportunity to have my life changed. To have a complete life. To be truly happy again. Just like my old self. Sigh... oh to dream.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care/ Birth
 All my babies were born at this hospital. Its a gorgeous hospital. The maternity ward is grade A. Awesome. The rooms are like suites complete with pull out bed for dad, table and chairs, couches and big screen tv. I felt like I was at a resort.
This is the outside of the maternity ward. Just gorgeous. 

I have been longing to actually go into the room where Genesis was born but have not had the opportunity. Maybe one day I will work up the nerve to go in that room and take pictures.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 21

Day 21: Alter/ Shrine/ Sacred Place

I don't feel I have anything really fancy for Genesis at home. There are a few little spots that I proudly remember her. Like the huge Genesis art that hangs above my desk. And the memory tree filled with her little things that sits a top my desk. I love how to the left of the memory tree you can see my rose votive with Abillas fingerprint hearts I made not too long ago. The picture on the right is of the top of my shelf I have in my living/dinning room area. Again I love how both Genesis and a photo of Abilla are together. You can catch a glimpse of my little clay family to the far right where I hold all 3 of my babies. Aside from this I have my blessing ring for all the lovely cards I have gotten about Genesis hanging on the door knob of the nursery that was meant for her. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 20

Day 20: Charity/ Organization
I support Duke University in their research for Anencephaly and neural tube defects. You can find their site here. I don't have much to give but when I can I like to make little donations in Genesis name.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 19

Day 19: Project
Genesis has inspired many many projects. 

The first project was Names On The Sidewalk. It provided a wonderful outlet for me to do something special for hurting families. It started when I first drew Genesis name and thought that other families would like this as well. 

I also found comfort in donating memory boxes to the hospital that Genesis was born at. I have tried to make it a tradition to donate as many boxes as she would have been years old. I know there will come a point where I can't afford to do that. But until then I will certainly try.

The names on the sidewalk evolved a little over time where I was offering names in laces and then glowing names by writing names with a flashlight.

I then started crafting and doing little things to remember our babies including ornaments, snow globes, address books, journals and many other little projects. Since I started my various projects I have since had the rainbows and life has gotten very very busy. I don't have the time I once had to keep up with these things. Working full-time as a single mama and keeping up with all my projects has proven to be very hard. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 18

Day 18: Your Family Portrait 
I knew this one was going to be a hard one because Id like my children's photos to remain private. Yes, Genesis and the rainbows. But I have included some photos that get our family portrait across.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 17

Day 17: Anniversary/ Birthday/ Due Date
There are several of these dates that I hold near, dear and special to my heart. I will post in chronological order:

Thanksgiving Day~ This was the day I got a positive pregnancy test. The day I knew I was a mother.

March 16th, 2007~ The day my sweet girl was born. The day my sweet daughter died. The day that I joined the BLM club. The day my life forever change. The day part of my heart died forever.

July 29th~ This was her due date. The date that should of been.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 16

Day 16: Release
I find release, figurative and literal, in doing balloon releases. I get these pretty balloons for my darling Genesis. I do something special for her. Something I think she would like. Something I like too. I hold on tight to these balloons.. sort of like the last time I held her. I held on tight, even though I knew I would eventually have to let go. I had to work up the strength to decide when it was time to let go. I had to brace myself. Then as I release the balloons... as I put her down and walked away for the last time, I knew there was no going back. The balloons already sail off into the sky. You can't undo letting them go. There is no way a balloon will float back down to you. Off it goes. Same as when I walked away from her tiny body, I knew there was no going back. I longed to just run back to her, but I couldn't. I knew once I walked out those doors I would never see her again. I will never see those balloons again. They will eventually float high up into the heavens and disappear. 

But not all is sadness with a release. Its also about letting go. Not of her, but of the pain. Lifting a weight. Being able to breath. And once you can do all that, then you can enjoy the beauty of watching these beautiful pink and purple balloons dance in the breeze, just sailing through the clouds and into the heavens. It is very therapeutic and so symbolic.

I also find a huge release in this blog and being able to speak freely about my feelings and document anything Genesis related.

My quote

Remember this post where I mentioned that my quote got chosen for the month of March for the 2013 Lost For Words calendar? Well I finally got a peak at what it looks like. I also remembered the quote that I submitted. After re reading it Im sort of impressed with my quote too haha! Im glad I could join in this beautiful project and also keep her memory alive through the process.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Some undeniable winks

This weekend and early Monday has had plenty of winks. I told you they happen on or around special days most of the time. And today being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day couldn't be more special. 

The first wink was on Saturday. I woke up pretty early, around 7:50am and went outside to get the laundry. As I was walking back to my door a humming bird flew right up to me and then flew off in the distance. Amazing

Then Yesterday I get a text message from a dear BLM friend and over her weekend she ran into 3 people named Genesis. One was right at the mall that is very close to my house! wow!

Then this morning, probably the most obvious wink. I work with credit card processing. We deal with many merchants who charge credit cards. I provide trainings to new merchants on how to use our system. So every few days I have a list of new merchants that need to be trained. On this list of 10 merchants there was one with Genesis in the name of the business. That wasn't all. The person who sent me the email only highlighted the Genesis company with some special instructions. AND the Genesis company was number 5 on the list...the number of years she would have been old. Seriously? Really? Come on, that is undeniable. Totally made my day.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 15 & Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day/ Wave Of Light

Day 15: Wave Of Light

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 14

Day 14: Community
This topic is a bit thought provoking. Being in Los Angeles there are three some what local walks. Walk To Remember LA, OC Walk To Remember and Walk To Remember Inland Empire. I have not been to the last one but I hear it is lovely. I love that there are these walks available to show our support and remember our babies.

The hospital where all three of my children were born has a wonderful staff on hand when it comes to the loss of a child. I have been able to donate memory boxes in the past that they give to bereaved parents so they don't leave the hospital empty handed. When Genesis was born there they did not have a photographer like NILMDTS. I have not heard if they have it now. But they are so loving there. 

They even have a children's memorial garden there for all the babies that were not able to go home. I planted a tulip for Genesis there. I have not gone back to see it bloom yet. I think a trip may be in order soon. 

Then to specifically see a Children's Memorial and Healing Garden in the park I grew up in, Garfield Park, now Genesis' Garden... was mind blowing. I just knew her name was supposed to be there. With more and more of these special places popping up, I do believe the taboo behind child loss will become less over time.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 13

Day 13: Signs
This topic is one that makes me smile. As you know I like to call the signs I get "winks". You can click on the label at the end of this post that says "winks" to see all my wink related posts. Usually its something that involves dragonflies, hummingbirds, natural elements like sunsets, hearts, anything mentioning the paradise or hope, or anything that has her name on it. There are probably a few things I may have missed, but that is the gist of it. I get winks all the time. I love getting them. I seem to get them more as I approach a special time. I just know they have to be from her or someone that wants me to think of her.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 12

Day 12: Scents
This one is also a tricky one for me ask there are no real scents or smells that remind me of her. But in regards to smells... I still have the pink and white baby blanket that she was wrapped in over 5 years ago. And that blanket still smells like sweet baby. I often take it out from her memory box and hold it close and smell that sweet smell.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 11

Day 11: Supportive Friends/ Family
There is a constant theme when I  post about my family and Genesis. Mostly, its that they forget her. I get no support in remembering her. As a matter of fact, my mother is the worst offender in that department telling me things as far as bad as "Life would have been so much harder for you with three kids..." and "I hate that you have that photo of her, she looks disgusting..." and "I never really saw you having a girl. I always thought you would only have boys..." yea, she said all that and worse. 

But for this post I am going to focus on what I DO have. I have the incredible support of my dear BLM friends. I have a massive support from my dear brother Stefan. He is Genesis' number one fan. Then I have my sisters. The sister I grew up with, Crystal, has never really come to any event with me. She did however come with me to Genesis' Garden on her birthday this year. And she does post status every now and then about Genesis on her Facebook. I appreciate that support so much. Then I have a few half sisters that I recently got to know. They have shown their support on Facebook as well. This means so much to me too because honestly, they don't even really know me. We just recently met. But they are still showing support even though they never knew her and hardly know me. I find that incredible. And lastly there are a couple of friends I have on Facebook that are not BLM but BLM supporters. I find this type of person to be amazing. Not knowing exactly what we are going through but showing the support of a BLM. Wow. Truly beautiful people.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

She gives me winks exactly when I need them

I posted earlier about what a nervous wreck I am with everything going on. I really was worried about what is going to happen in the future. On my way home from work I saw these two things:

Im pretty sure I saw this car about a month ago, which I also took a picture of. I mean really, what are the odds? Its Los Angeles. Traffic is crazy and there are how many millions of cars on the road each day... Yet this car was in front of me again telling me to have hope. It was just what I needed to calm my nerves. The second photo has a beautiful quote I have never heard before. This is on a wall of various street art posters that I see daily. Today was the first day I saw this poster up. And of all things it speaks of children and the paradise. Come on, how can that not be a wink! These things have brought me much comfort and Im feeling much better. Lets see for how long it will calm my nerves.

Not in a good place

As the title of this post says, I don't feel I am in a good place right now. Still coping with the death of my grandmother, dealing with the effects of my fathers drowning accident and more recently some things Im working out with Mr. M. I am a stressed ball of nerves.

But to add to this, this time of year is usually kind of hard for me too. October is a significant month for BLMs. So there is that. But then there is October 15th for the wave of light. October 15th is actually my nephews birthday. Just the thought of my nephew brings back bad memories and its sad because nothing is his fault. Even his pregnancy announcement was bad. I had just had Genesis and I was leaving the hospital. I wasn't even home yet, I was still in the car and the phone rang. It was my brother. He called to tell me that he and his wife were pregnant. He knew what happened and he still decided that right then and there was the best time to tell me they were blessed with a baby. Then of all days to be born they chose, yes chose because they had a c-section, October 15th. It just makes me sad. And because Genesis didn't live, my nephew was considered the first grandchild. Not her. Sad memories.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 10

Day 10: Symbol
This one is a tricky one for me. There really aren't real symbols that remind me of her or are significant. Dragonflies are of course her thing so I suppose that sort of counts as a symbol. Dragonflies were her thing even before she was born. I decorated the nursery with yellow and green dragonflies before I knew what gender she was. I thought it would work well for both a boy and a girl and I was so excited that I just could not wait to decorate until I knew the gender. Hummingbirds are another one of her things too. And since her birthday was on 3/16 any time I see those three numbers together, I think of her.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 9

Day 9: Special Place
Without a doubt, her special place is the South Pasadena Children's Memorial and Healing Garden aka Genesis' Garden. I worked really hard to add her name to this special garden that happens to be in the park that I grew up at. You can read through my efforts in getting her name here by clicking the tag 'Genesis' Garden' at the bottom of this post. This is where I frequently take the rainbows and go to "visit" Genesis. I sprinkled some of her ashes here too. It is a very special place for me and my family.

Monday, October 8, 2012

OC Walk To Remember~ 2012

So I did end up going to the walk. As mentioned before, my brother came along with the rainbows and I. I was sort of hesitant though for a few reasons that I mentioned before. Mr. M was supposed to be there with me and since he couldn't be, it was a huge let down. Also the experience I had before at the OC Walk was less than perfect. So I was worried there may be a repeat. But I bit the bullet and went for the real reason I should go, Genesis.

We got to the walk and it was a beautiful morning. It hardly feels like October. It's been very hot and that day was no exception. As soon as we get out and get to the all the booths I see this in the sky. A spot with a rainbow in it. I took two photos and then turned around for a moment. When I looked back at the sky it was gone. It was certainly a nice little special surprise to have happen on this day. 

My brother being there with me meant the world to me. As mentioned before, he has never been to a walk with me. And he is Genesis #1 fan :) so it was only fitting that it was time for him to go to one. He proudly wore the little sticker saying he was walking in memory of his niece Genesis. The rainbows each had their own sticker too saying they were walking for their big sister Genesis. I felt really unprepared for this walk. We had shirts made in the past and I simply did not have the time or money to do that this year. It made me a little sad. I see these huge groups of supporters. One group I think had like 30 people show up and walk with matching team t-shirts, and seeing that makes me so so happy for the family but it make me sad that I have never known that kind of support. Maybe one day.

I wasn't as emotional as I thought I would be. I handled it pretty well. Although when they started reading the names of all the babies thats when I couldn't control a few tears. Hearing all those names, all those children. It made me so sad. It wasn't even when they read her name. Just hearing people with multiple losses or when they said "all the babies lost at the _____ hospital..." It broke my heart. After a few tears were shed though I pulled myself together enough to walk up and get my flower.
As you can see I had a little something special done this time. Something I have never done before. I saw them doing temporary tattoos and face painting. I thought it was pretty adorable and why not do it.
So I got the walk to remember logo on one side and Genesis' name on the other. They made it real pretty with a little rhinestone and also with some glitter. Not sure you can see it in the photo. But it was very cute.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 8

Day 8: Jewelry
Over the years I have gotten so many pieces of jewelry from my dear BLMs with dragonflies. Each piece touches me so much. I cherish and treasure each one of these pieces of jewelry. But when it comes to jewelry that I have purchased, there is only one piece.
When I lost Genesis, I really really wanted a memorial tattoo asap. Although my husband at the time didn't agree with tattoos. He held me back and I guess I sort of agreed because of the view we had on "damaging" ones body. Also a tattoo is serious, its permanent. It's gotta be something you are sure about 100% and it had to be perfect. Since I pretty much wasn't allowed to get a tattoo at the time, I said, well then, I am getting a bracelet with her name. I looked everywhere. I knew it just had to be perfect. Beautiful. Timeless. It had to be made of quality materials if it was to last me for all of time. I finally found a place. I worked with the ladies there for a few weeks until we came to a design that I was head over heels for. It cost me a pretty penny but it was worth every one of those pennies. I wear this bracelet on all her special days and at times I really miss her.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 7

Day 7: What To Say

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Capture Your Grief~ Day 6

Day 6: What Not To Say

These were just a few things said to me that made me cringe, broke my heart and made me furious.

At the top of the "what not to say" list though, I have to say that what wa said to me by hospital staff was just un-expectable. I got there at roughly 21 weeks pregnant to the receptionist desk at the hospital. I told her I was there for an induction and how many weeks I was. Her reply was "it's a little early to have a baby isn't it?" And she said it in a joking way with a smile on her face. As hospital staff she should of been more sensitive to patients and their situations. I couldn't even reply to her stupid comment. In addition to that several nurses referred to my induction as an abortion. I found that to be so insulting and heartless. She was wanted, she was planned and she was loved. The end result would have been the same. I was simply turning off life support to avoid her feeling pain later on.

Friday, October 5, 2012

So I'm going

I will be going to the OC Walk To Remember tomorrow. My wonderful brother is going with me and the rainbows. This will be the first time he has gone to a walk with me. He has been Genesis' number one supporter so it's an honor to bring him with us.

He also shared a little something. He said this morning there was a dragonfly at the entrance of my gate. He said it was a brown one and that it was there for a good hour. It was on his back and fluttering his wings around. He was opening and closing his mouth. He thought it was dying but when we went back now to find it, it was gone. I'd like to believe he was fine and that he flew off. I will take that as a little wink from my girl.

Capture Your Grief~ Day 5

Day 5: Memorial
You have all probably seen this picture before. Maybe not. either way this was the first thing I did in Genesis memory. I waited long and hard to get this. I wanted to make sure its what I wanted/ needed. I cannot tell you how amazing I felt after it was done. I just know I made the right decision. I got this tattoo after D was born. He was about 3 months. So it was about 1 year and 4 months after Genesis died. It was done in the month of July I believe. Her EDD was in July and had she been born when she was supposed to, that month would have been her 1 yr birthday. I thought that was fitting.
In addition to the tattoo, I worked so hard in getting Genesis' name in the Children's Memorial Garden in my home town of South Pasadena. I have now dubbed this garden 'Genesis' Garden'. It was a huge accomplishment for me.
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