Friday, August 31, 2012

He understands more than ever

The weather here in Los Angeles has been pretty hot. So hot that I have been begging the fall to arrive sooner than usual to get a break from the heat. Out of the blue yesterday a thunder storm rolled in. My favorite. They always make for fantastic pictures. We got a little rain and lots of thunder. After about an hour or two just as the wind was blowing the storm away I was able to capture this picture. Simply awe inspiring. It was glorious. It looked like a ball of light. I was mesmerized by natures beauty and power. Of course something so glorious and amazing reminded me of Genesis. {all magical-like things do} 

Later on in the Day when D got home from school he started talking to me about his day. He told me that he told his friends that he was gonna have two sisters and two brothers. I laughed and said so you want more siblings huh? He said yea. I told him he already had two sisters. I asked if he knew who they were. He said yes "G and Genesis". Before I could say anything else he said, "but Genesis isn't here." I now see that he really REALLY understands. He understands that he had/has a sister. But since this sister isn't here, she almost doesn't count. Then he went on to ask me if he could have a new daddy. He talks a lot about getting a daddy. Breaks my heart. Right before bed as I was tucking him in he tells me "Im going to dream tonight. Im going to dream of my new daddy. We are going to meet him soon. Maybe on Thursday." He is adorable, yet it saddens me to hear him say these things. I know he longs for that father figure. And in time I hope with all my heart that he gets it. I have faith. Some things just cannot be rushed. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012


I have had some pretty major life changing events sort of hit me out of the blue. Well, they are in the process of hitting you could say (no Im not pregnant or getting married....yet). For most of these events, Id rather not get into specifics. I will say that I did want these things to happen but not quite yet. But as we all know life has a way of doing what it pleases, not so much what we want, when we want it. 

One of these events does involve my ex husband. I really did not anticipate having any contact with him yesterday, but there was. We texted for a good while during the day and decided it would be a good idea to talk over the phone. Mind you this is the first time we have talked on the phone in say... 2 years or so and all our previous conversations were quite heated. He and I have come to a crossroads that needs to be worked out, so thats why we decided talking would be best. After we talked about what we needed to discuss we sort of got into a bit of chit chat which really surprised me. After all I didn't really want to talk to him to make small talk and catch up. But that was essentially what he was doing. So I had the opportunity to ask him something that has always been on my mind. He had always talked about getting a memorial tattoo for Genesis. I asked if he ever got it. He said no. I asked if he ever thought about her. He said yes, all the time. I asked if he remembered her birthday. He didn't have a clue. Didn't even get the month right. Im not really sure why, but I told him the correct birthday. He thanked me. He did tell me that he likes to talk about her all the time. He told me that Genesis saved the life of two babies. I asked how so. He explained that he knew two different women who were going to get abortions and he went on to tell them Genesis' story and after hearing that they decided to keep their babies. Now I have no idea if this is true or not, but if it is I think its absolutely wonderful. I thanked him for sharing that with me and for keeping her memory alive. 

Another one of these events involves me moving to a new place to live. Im not sure when I need to do it by or where I am going or really, how I am going to make it work, but its eminent. One of the first things that crossed my mind is that I am going to be leaving the place that Genesis was conceived. I don't know if that is a normal thing to think but it crossed my mind. It also occurred to me that I will be leaving behind her nursery. Well it's been all my kids nursery, but it was made for her. Paining the mural on the wall brought me such comfort in the days and weeks after her death. I kept myself busy by telling myself to finish the nursery because I will have a baby one day to put in it. I have so many memories connected with the mural and we are leaving it behind. We are leaving it all behind. The place we end up going to will likely be smaller than where I am at now. So we will probably need to get rid of some things. Things that are no longer of use. Baby things. The things I originally bought for Genesis. It hurts to think this. I wish I could afford a storage unit and just keep everything in there forever. Not practical I know. Maybe not even normal, I don't really know. Either way all these thoughts crossed my mind. We will be moving to a new place. A place for the rainbows and I. A place that Genesis was not connected to. Of course I will be bringing her urn along and she will be with us in that regard, but its not quite the same as having the rainbows grow up in the house that was connected with Genesis. The house that we very much still feel the connection with her at times. Im not sure if that will follow up to wherever we go. I suppose time will tell. I feel this is just another way that life must move on, move forward, and leave her and her memories behind. I knew the day would come one day, I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Some more lovely winks

Over the weekend Mr. M and I went to a Dodger game. I had not been to a game in a while and it was due time. While sitting in the stands, the biggest red/brown dragonfly flew right towards me, head on. It kept doing this through the whole game. It kept coming back dipping low and flying to and fro over the span of several hours. Even a little girl behind me (of course) said "Look mommy, a dragonfly!" Our seats were right in the blazing sun and after a while near the games end we moved seats to a more shady section. Even after I moved sections this dragonfly came near where I was seated. Even Mr. M noticed. It most def made me smile.

In addition to that, this morning one of my first merchants I was dealing with had my girl's name associated with it. So wonderful.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Too sensitive? Just me? I don't know anymore...

I came across a silly picture on the internet... you know this pictures that are shared on Facebook. Just random stuff. This is the picture I saw:
The part that got to me is the "1._____ i don't have a brain." Anencephaly.... Genesis, developed without most of her brain. So comments like these always sort of stand out to me and jab me. I sometimes wonder if Im just too sensitive about this. I mean its bad enough Im sensitive about other things too like this card that was making the rounds not too long ago:
I know many a BLM that was offended by that e-card. But am I gonna be one of those people that will just be offended with everything? Or maybe not even offended but bothered? There has to be a limit, ya know? Everything can't be about her. Or can it? I have no idea. I just feel like maybe others will feel like they are walking on egg shells around me because they know they can't joke about "no brain" or they can't say the "R" word. Or whatever else. <see how Im more concerned with others and how they feel as opposed to me, the one who actually had their child die...idk why we are forced to live this way. Its ridiculous>

There was another moment as well yesterday that again took a little jab at me. The lady of course had no idea. I had taken D to the dentist and I brought G with me too (I know, what was I thinking). After we were finishing up and I was signing papers at the front desk the lady looked at both my kids playing in the waiting room and she smiled at me and said "You have the perfect pair, a boy and a girl." I smiled and thanked her but nothing could be further from the truth. I know Ive mentioned it before. Perfect would be not having one of my children dead. But then my thoughts go even further. I want more kids too. So does that mean having any more kids won't be perfect? Ugh... see there I go again. I know I look too much into things... why do I let it bother me. And it doesn't really bother me. Its more of it reminds me of her. It makes me stop and think. You know? sigh.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

She brings me peace

I had to go to the courthouse once again to do part two of my legal thing I have going on right now. Again the nerves sort of kicked in with all sorts of possibilities of what may happen going through my head.

I was walking out the door once again with Mr. M (the support he has shown me through this is incredible) and we took maybe 5 steps towards the car when a pair of humming birds began zooming right in front of us playing. It was the sweetest thing. They came very close and I was tempted to just stand there and watch them but we were pressed for time. I was able to snap a picture of one of them resting on a branch. It intently made me think of my girl and let me know that today was going to be a good day.

The day progressed and I did make some progress with this legal matter. I was feeling good when we left the courthouse and as we were walking back to the car I noticed something on the sidewalk. This is what I saw ---> it was a heart on the sidewalk. Simple, easily missed but there it was and it made me smile.

Also just now I was surfing Facebook and found a post from a few days ago from a friend that I had missed, so this was the first time I had seen it. Here is his status:

Seeing her name never ceases to make my heart skip a beat. I love and miss you baby girl. Always have. Always will. See you in paradise.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

She's always there when I need her

I had to take care of a legal matter the other day, its far from over but at least I got the ball rolling on it. While waiting in line I was pretty stressed with all the "what if's" running through my head. I had the wonderful Mr.M there offering his moral support which meant the world to me. But still the random thoughts popped in my head. So while waiting, I noticed the lady in front of me. See the photo to the right. Yup. She had a letter "G" tattoo on her right shoulder. It brought a smile to my face and did make me feel better. By the end of the day I was pretty stress free as what needed to be done was done and without incident. I've noticed I get winks when I need them most too. Perhaps Ill see a wink again when I go to the court hearing in October.

In other news, the OC Walk To Remember is holding a very special event next month. Its on the beach so you already know it has to be good ;)  As the notice to the left states, "This day will celebrate and honor moms who have lost a baby and the professionals who care for them. it will take place in the oceanfront Surf Cabanas at The Deck at Pacific Edge Hotel in Laguna Beach. The day will include light snacks, drinks, beauty services, a gift bag and more. If you are a mom who has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or any other type of pregnancy or infant loss, we would love to have you attend. If you are a nurse, doctor, social worker, therapist, support group leader, mortuary employee or other professional who works with families who have lost a baby, we would also love for you to attend. There is limited space, so the first 50 to RSVP for each time slow will be able to attend. One RSVP per person. You may only attend one session. Unfortunately due to limited space you may not bring a guest." I have to be honest about this. When I first saw this I thought it was great. I wanted to sign up right then and their. But then I thought about it. I wasn't able to bring a guest. I was going to go alone. That made me feel a little uncomfortable. Then I flash backed to my last BLM meeting at the Face2Face meeting I went to. I remembered that I was the one who's loss was the farthest out, yet I was the only one who was crying like an idiot. Keep in mind that I was at a table of pretty much all pregnant mamas. We all knows pregos are totally emotional and it doesn't take much to make them cry. But even they weren't crying. I really felt like a fool and like something was wrong with me. I guess it also didn't help that night that they started with me to share our stories as we went around the table. Sigh... anyway, I'm not really sure what to expect at this event. It seems like we just get a day of pampering and basically saying thank you to the professionals that shared those very intimate moments with us. But Im also slightly worried that there is gonna be a time where we all share our stories and what not and the thought of crying again sort of terrifies me. So initially I didn't sign up. I said eh... its nice but not for me. Plus there was a limited space and I figured it would fill up quickly. Well a couple of days later I thought I would check out the event page again and I figured I was actually up to do this thing. I submitted my information not knowing if there was any spots available. I figured that I deserve to be pampered. Its about dang time something nice happened to me. A special day for BLMs at the beach for free... it really is a dream come true. And so what if I go alone. A break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is needed once in a while. So a few days passed by and I had not heard anything until this last Saturday when to my surprise I was actually confirmed for the event. Looks like I am going after all. Im actually looking forward to it. Not sure if Im gonna know anyone at this event, but either way its a day of pampering for mama. I really cannot wait.

Last but not least, I want to share a special gift I received yesterday. It was from Mr. M. Yes he knows how special dragonflies are and what they represent and who they remind me of. He is such a sweetheart to point out any dragonflies he sees flying about. Well he took it up a notch and actually got this adorable bracelet. Im touched by his thoughtfulness. I love how simple and clean this bracelet is. Im able to wear it 24/7 as it will not tarnish and there is no clasp to remove it. I just slipped it on and it will remain on. I have no plans on ever taking it off. I love that she is a tiny dragonfly. Like a baby. Like my baby. I love how she looks to be peering down on something. Someone. Just like I think Genesis pops in from time to time to give me winks and lift me up. It's just perfect. The picture really does not do it justice. There is so much detail on this tiny dragonfly. It's just gorgeous.  Here is a close up of the picture. Where you can really see the little legs, mouth and even the design on the its back.

Isn't it stunning. Im just thrilled with it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

An unplanned visit

Mr. M and I sat down and watched The Rabbit Hole. I had wanted him to watch this for a while as I do  for most people that are important to me so they can see a day in the life of a BLM. He was appreciative of this glimpse. I was able to explain things during the movie that he probably wouldn't have connected. Like why is she so obsessed with hanging out with the boy that accidentally killed her son (as a blm you hold on to every thing that is connected to your child's memory... everything. Because its all you have left) or like why she cried when she saw this boy going to prom (she is reminded that her son will never get to go to prom) or like why she wasn't thrilled to hear that her sister was pregnant (self explanatory) or how the people looking at the house looked at the dad when he mentioned the room was his son's who passed away (you know the you just sprouted a second head and you are insane for mentioning a dead child look). He definitely had his eyes opened to things he was not aware of before and understood on a better level how I see things. It was a good thing despite the fact that I cried all through the movie.

Also this weekend there was supposed to be a meteor shower and Mr. M and I always enjoy celestial things so I thought this could be something we could share. We live pretty much in the heart of Los Angeles so the city lights make it hard to see meteors. So we decided we had to drive out away from the city to somewhere dark and with open spaces so that our view was not blocked. Out of the blue I said hey lets go to Genesis Garden. And that was that. We drove over there at about midnight and laid in the grass staring at the heavens waiting for the display of lights. Only we didn't wait long enough to see anything. We got impatient and we wanted to go somewhere darker to see the show. Before we got up to leave Mr. M says to me "Wanna go say hi?" He was referring to Genesis' stone. I thought it was wonderful that he suggested it. Of course I said yes, I was going to do it regardless if he remembered or not. But the fact that he remembered made me love him even more. We went over in the dark to go see my girl's stone. I dusted it off and made a heart with the little wood chips that were on the floor around it. He took a picture of it which caught me by surprise. This is the first Genesis related photo he has taken. I love it.

Then the next day he came over for a swim. While we were swimming a dragonfly came to visit. I didn't even notice. He was the one that pointed it out to me. Once again, he is totally awesome for doing this. Now the weird thing. We were about 7 feet apart in the pool and then this dragonfly is zipping all around and getting close to the waters surface and then up back in the air and back down by the waters surface. It did this and the dragonfly and I came face to face. It was inches away from my face. Ive never had one get that close to me before. Even Mr. M was surprised. It definitely got my attention which I think was the point ;)

Monday, August 6, 2012

Lots of reminders

I'm not really into sports. I will watch a game a couple of times a year but I really don't care who wins nor do I really know how the game is played. I'm more of an active participant... But anyway, the only reason I bring it up was because the other day I was gonna watch one of my shows and the Olympics were on. And for the brief second that it was on I saw this:

Do you see that? The third name down is Genesis. Wow. It sorta stopped me in my tracks. A very nice surprise.

Then yesterday while the kids were watching cartoons this came up:

One of those "Did you take Topamax while pregnant? Did you or someone you know have a child with birth defects? If so you might be entitled to a settlement...." this totally makes me think of her. It makes me mad that this was probably what caused her condom though technically I'll probably never know. And isn't it a little odd that this came on during Kung Fu Panda? Not exactly the thing Id expect to air when kids are watching.

I also had a very odd dream on Saturday night. I dreamt I was pregnant. Not just a regular pregnancy... I was pregnant with multiples. And not twins. But triplets! I was so so shocked and a bit terrified. I was having an ultrasound and we saw two babies off the bat but then a third one after moving around a bit. They were pretty big, I'd say nearly 3 months along. And they were all moving in there. Two were on the left side of the screen and they looked identical. The third one was on the right sort of by itself and a little smaller than the other two. In my dream I knew the two together were identical twins. I really didn't have words to express what I was feeling in my dream. Then a thought of horror popped in my head. I had not been on folic acid. I NEED TO ALWAYS BE ON FOLIC ACID WEN TTC AND AT LEAST 3 MONTHS PRIOR TO GETTING PREGNANT. Do I was so scared that these babies were going to have anencephaly too. The ultrasound was a regular old ultrasound, none of the 4d level 2 stuff that can detect anencephaly. But in my dream as the wand passed over my belly I saw the tops of their heads and it looked exposed to me. Just like Genesis. I was in a panic. I was terrified of losing any of them let alone all three. That's when I woke up from my dream in a cold sweat. It was so real and overwhelming and terrifying. What was even stranger was that on Facebook since I'm a doula and love birth related things, I follow a pregnancy/ birth Facebook page. This was the post the morning I woke up from that dream:

So so strange.

Friday, August 3, 2012

An emotional night

Last night was rough. It literally hit me out of nowhere. I really don't know what triggered it. It just hit me like a freight train. I had not cried bawled like that in a very long time. So long in fact, that I didn't think I was capable of going back to that state again. I was just sobbing. Uncontrollably. For hours. I was reliving it all. And asking what I always ask.... Why. I miss her so much. That's an understatement.

I really wanted Mr. M to be there with me but he was unable to come. He was however on the phone with me and allowed me to cry on the phone with him. He provided as much comfort, sympathy and understanding as one can from the outside looking in. He never ceases to amaze me. There was a moment where I said that I really wish he were there with me. His reply was that if he were there with me he would totally be crying with me. That touched my heart more than I could put into words. He is a beautiful soul. For a man to cry with me over my lost daughter. A daughter that was not his. A man that is not a baby loss parent or even a parent at all. A man that never even met her... this is beyond amazing to me. Im so so grateful.

Today Im feeling much better... had a bit of a cry hangover but doing ok. Guess a good cry can come out of the blue even 5 years later. It probably won't be the last either.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

He loves her so much

Right now Im missing my baby girl so much. I dont know what may have triggered it but I just really miss her right now. I want to hold her so bad. I want to kiss her and look into her eyes. But I cant. I want to kiss her again. But  Ill never have that opportunity again. Goddammit I miss her so goddamn much. I feel like crawling into a ball and just crying.

I found that my brother got the dog tags pictured to the right. I love that he loves Genesis as if she were here still. He remembers her all the time. I love him for that. Even if we have our sibling arguments he always has Genesis in his heart. Seeing him wear this around his neck brought me to tears. I was so touched. I cant thank him enough for not only thinking about her but loving her like the uncle that he is. In case you cant read it the inscription says " Genesis Magali March 16th 2007 Eternally our angel love tete" Tete is the name that my rainbow babies gave him as their uncle. He sees himself as her Tete and that always makes me tear up. Thank you Stefan for being the best uncle to all my kids but especially to my sweet Genesis. You and I both know she visits you for a reason. I just know that the two of you have a relationship like no other and I treasure that as much as you do. <3 I love you.
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