Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Another anniversary

So Genesis' EDD anniversary was calm in peaceful. Well as calm and peaceful as one can be on a mini vacay in Las Vegas. I got several little winks which made the day even more special for me. First and foremost I spend the weekend with Mr. M which brought me a lot of comfort.

Second, on the way to Vegas we passed by a city. A city called Devore. I had no idea we were passing through it until I saw the sign:
Now why is this city significant you may ask... well I'll tell you. Devore, was the name of a doctor. Dr. Devore was the doctor that told me my baby girl was not going to live. Yup. So anytime I hear that name... Im taken back to that day. Back to that chair I was laying back on. Back to that big ultrasound screen where I saw my baby girl moving around in my belly, only to be told she was going to die. Sigh. To add to the specialness (is that a word?), Devore is a city that is  not far from where Mr. M and I had our first date. It's a very special place for us so to see this city, that was near where we met, and has the name of a doctor that is connected to Genesis on her anniversary weekend was pretty neat.

Third, the casino we decided to go to had dragonflies everywhere. And oddly enough it wasn't me who noticed this initially. Mr. M brought it to my attention which I absolutely love.

I had updated my Facebook status as well commemorating the date:
Did you notice what is special about the Facebook post? Evidently I was in a city called Paradise, NV. I didn't even know there was such a place. This is significant for me because I believe that I will see Genesis again in the new system aka in paradise. Along that thought I saw this in the lobby of the hotel we were staying in (which was in Las Vegas, not Paradise):
All these little things made me smile. It brought me such comfort. It was a great weekend.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

It's got to be her

Once again the winks are overwhelming and undeniable. I have had friends text me pictures all week of places where they see Genesis' name. Honestly I don't know if most of them know that one of her anniversaries is tomorrow unless they read this blog on a regular basis. I know its hard to keep up with all the BLMs anniversaries and don't expect anyone to remember all of mine. But in the last week the fact that even they see winks has got to mean something.

One of these pictures stood out to me. One of my dear friends was out walking and saw this on the sidewalk:
A few things stand out about this. 1) It's on the sidewalk.... remember Names On The Sidewalk? yeah... obviously there is that connection 2) This is a children's drawing. Im pretty sure it was a girl that drew it since they made this very girly. A princess complete with eyelashes, pouty lips and high heel shoes. 3) It was drawn in permanent marker so this picture along with the signature at the bottom will last forever.... 4) the signature with a heart.

Here is a close up of the signature:
This is just so so awesome. I can't tell you how happy I was to see this. If I had seen it first hand I think I would have fainted. But I am so glad that one of the sweetest friends I have was able to see this first hand. This made my weekend.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wow, even more winks!

I got another call today at work from someone using Genesis Epay. Brought a smile to my face to hear them say her name.

Also last weekend Mr. M gave me a pack of gum. It was still in the wrapper and I had not opened it until today. As I took off the plastic wrapping I saw this:
Dragonflies! Really? Who puts dragonflies on their gum packaging? Ive never seen this before. Not only that but the colors are green and yellow. The colors I choose for Genesis' nursery. Wow. It really surprised me. This is def a wink.

I am now only 3 days away from her EDD. Im ok right now. Not sure how the 29th will affect me once it's here. One thing I do know is that I will be with Mr. M for the weekend. Im actually going on a mini vacay to Las Vegas with his family. I know this is HUGE! Ive never gone on vacay with a boyfriend's family. Im sure it'll be fine. It will most def help to get my mind off of what this weekend is, but most importantly, I will be with someone who loves me and who also remembers, acknowledges and loves Genesis. I love the support this man gives me. Really... someone pinch me because I have got to be dreaming.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Interesting development

I was in need of my ex husbands address and found all but the apartment number. I thought I would do a google search with his name and the address I did have to see if maybe it may help me find the complete address. Initially his first and last name and partial address didn't bring up anything. Then I thought lets just try it with just his first name. Nothing. I tried again with the partial address, his first name and the first name of the woman he is with. And something came up. Something I was not expecting in a million years.

Now what is odd is that this search result that came up didn't have his name or her name in it. It did however match the address and did provide an apartment number. The thing I did find was a business. A sort of at home business where you sell items but don't actually have to have an inventory in your home. What shocked me was the business name. It just cannot be a coincidence. The name of the business was Genesis Auto Parts. That name with my ex husbands address has to be him. This has to be his business. How dare he name a freaking auto parts store after our sweet innocent baby girl. Not only that... But he doesn't give a crap about her or any of our other kids. When he left he didn't ask for anything related to Genesis. Not a copy of her footprints, hospital ID bracelet, ashes, her photo... Nothing. I think he did it to upset me because that's the kind of jerk he is. Now I'm not 100% sure it's him but come on, how could it not be? Turns out this business was established in August 2010. Just 3 short months after G was born and our divorce was final. They even have a Facebook page (please don't go like the page even if it is to tell him off... I appreciate the support but I really don't need to let him know he's got under my skin... Again. Oh and if you happen to stumble upon the address that sparked this all, I ask that you please just let it be and don't contact him or anything... again there is a slight possibility this is not his apartment number) and all on the wall of this Facebook page people have been leaving all sorts of negative reviews. Just like him to start a business and suck at it. So now not only is there a stupid auto parts store linked to my sweet babe, but a sucky auto parts store with terrible reviews about how they are trying to scam their customers.

Another wink

This morning one of the first calls I got mentioned the name Genesis. It is awesome that I am being flooded with winks in the days leading up to her EDD. For a while I was a little disappointed that I wasn't getting winks... I thought maybe it was all in my head before and I only saw them because I wanted to see them. But clearly it's not just in my head. She makes the days leading up to her anniversaries so sweet.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Maybe some more winks?

This weekend there were yet some more possible winks. On Friday I went over to Mr. M's house. I saw the truck his dad uses for work and on the back door there was something I had not seen before. There was a scripture quoted:
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."- John 3:16
This scripture has always been special to me as am somewhat religious and look forward to the future with everlasting life. Naturally it took even more meaning for me as thats where I will see Genesis again, in the new system. But if you also look at the scripture its 3:16. 3/16, her birthday. To see this on Mr. M's father's truck was a bit surprising. I loved it though.

On Saturday morning I woke up and went out on the balcony to enjoy some fresh air. I gaze out down the street and what do I see? Not one, not two.. but FOUR hummingbirds just hovering and playing around with each other. They stayed for several minutes before flying off. It was quite a sight.

On Monday, yesterday, I was driving around with Mr. M and he noticed the car in front of us was a Hyudai Genesis. I love that he is pointing this out to me now. It made both my face and heart smile. Later on in the day as we were still driving around a huge red dragonfly flew right in front of my car. It was huge. I thought it was a small bird. It was amazing.

Whatever these things are, they make me smile and think of my girl. And for that I am thankful.

Friday, July 20, 2012

She's everywhere

Something odd happened yesterday. I came home from work as usual. I go into my office to let my doggies out and in my office I have of course my desk. On my desk I have Genesis' memory tree. The tree from this post. It was sitting on my desk as pictured in the last photo in link to the left as it has been since I made it. I came home to find it toppled over, laying across the keyboard of my computer and many of the ornaments knocked off. This really really surprised me. First of all, it was squarely placed on my desk. Flat. Its very heavy and not easily knocked over. Actually it has never been knocked over even though the various earthquakes we get here in CA. And even when I run by the desk with the dogs, the movement does not knock it over. It hardly even moves. On top of that, even if something were strong enough to knock it over, the branches themselves are very delicate. So delicate that one branch did not make it safely through the shipping process when I originally bought it. They are very delicate branches and I expected to find many of the branches broken when I lifted up the base. Come to find none of the branches broke. None. I thought some of the ornaments would have broken as well as many of them are made of clay. Nope. None were even cracked. No damage at all. It was just as if someone placed her tree sideways on my desk and took off the ornaments and laid them on the desk next to the tree. The base has little pebbles glued to it and there were a few that came loose that were on my desk as well. I also noticed at the base of the tree where it attaches to the actual base, the tree seemed loose. But really that was the gist of the damage. I had no idea how the lady who made this attached the branch to the base so at first I tried to bend it back so that it was straight. That didn't really seem to work too well. Then I decided to twist it and it actually got tighter and fixed the issue. I have no idea how it would have got twisted to make it so loose in the first place. Thats the reason it fell. It was too loose and it leaned to one side. Tightened, it stood straight up. So this whole thing was a mystery to me. So so strange. After fixing everything I couldn't help but think that maybe this was a kind of wink to let me know she was there with me. Still not sure. It also registered that her EDD is a short 10 days away. Coincidence? I really doubt it. I have come to find there are no such thing as coincidences.

Well today on Facebook I got a notification that a friend of a friend (or something of that nature) liked a post that I liked or something like that and this persons name was Genesis. Then as I was reading this notification (I was at work) my phone rang and this merchant had signed up with a vendor with Genesis in the name. Wow. Yea it can't be a coincidence. It just can't. I mean really, what are the odds? So anyway that sums up the winks in the last 24 hours.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

something or nothing

Ive had what could be considered "winks" happen recently. Although it could also just be that summer is upon us here and the animals love it just as much as we do. But over the last few weeks I have had quite a few visits from nature. And not just nature in general. The animals that remind me of her. One day I was out on the balcony and I noticed something hovering in the air right in front of my house.
Not sure you can really see it, but that tiny little black dot hovering above the trees was a hummingbird. It was there for a good 3 minutes just zipping back and forth in that spot right in front of me. It was so fun to just watch it do its thing before it flew off.

Then on another day I was lounging by the pool and I was visited by not one but TWO dragonflies who started playing together.
Once again, it put a smile on my face. Not sure it means anything... but either way it made me feel good and I guess thats what really counts.

Also this last weekend I took a little trip to San Diego and on the drive back I had dragonflies just visit me the whole trip. Very weird. And I was on the freeway. As long as there wasn't traffic I was driving as normal. But in the 3 or 4 places where we hit bumper to bumper traffic and were practically stopped, I had dragonflies fly in front of my car. Every. Single. Time. It was nice. Then yesterday I went to the La Brea Tar Pits and once again, dragonflies were just flying about. I love it, its wonderful to see them.

Also in other news, sorry for my lack of posts. I find once again life and grief and such is evolving and has it's own schedule. Mr. M is still very much in the picture. Things are going beautifully. He has mentioned Genesis in passing conversation a few times without hesitating. I can't tell you how much that means to me. There was once instance where we were talking about he and he suddenly said, "Its ok you don't have to talk about it... I know how you can get..." He was referring to that sometimes I get emotional and he doesn't like to see me like that. I get it. I do. But I calming explained to him that even through the tears I do enjoy talking about her. And so he let me say what I wanted to say, and I didn't even cry. I told him to please not assume that I will cry every time because I don't. I don't know when I will or won't but to just let me do what I have to do. He is very sweet when it comes to that and I appreciate it beyond words. The OC Walk To Remember is in October and I just registered for it. He said he really wants to go with me and will support me every year with this among other things. He just has to time it right with work as he usually works weekends. I really hope he comes with me. It will be the first time someone outside family and who isn't a fellow BLM has joined me. In other news about Mr. M. I explained to him that I hate the "R-word" and explained that if Genesis had lived for any amount of time she would have technically been mentally retarded and I no longer tolerate the derogatory use of that word. He has since stopped using that word all together. If he ever catches himself beginning to use it he will quickly stop and apologize and use a different word. I appreciate that so so much. I even showed him the PSA about it and he appreciated that I shared that with him. Yesterday we had a similar conversation when we were watching Family Guy. This tv show has been known to push the envelope and be controversial. Don't get me wrong, I think the show is hilarious and Im not shrewd or uptight. I can take a little risqué humor. But yesterday they were making light of a character with down syndrome. This was something I could not tolerate and quickly changed the channel. I explained to Mr. M that when I was pregnant with G they told me at around 4 months that she had some "markers" that may indicate down syndrome. As you know you can do an amnio and know for sure but that isn't without risks. Risks including killing her. My peace of mind was not worth her life so for the duration of the pregnancy I was trying to get used to the idea of having a special needs child. It wasn't until she was born and we saw her beautiful face that we knew she was fine. During those months of worry I gained a love and appreciating for people affected by down syndrome so I found that episode of Family Guy particularly insulting. Mr. M understood and accepted my views and acknowledged that he would respect my views. I can't tell you how much I love this man. He is amazing. Well enough chatter about my personal life ;)

As for my journey with grief and Genesis.... I feel like my grief has evolved once again. I think when it first happened, obviously it was so so raw. And add to it my then husband left me just 5 short months after we lost here and while I was pregnant with my first rainbow. It left a gaping hole to lose 2 people that were my everything at that time. And it was a terrifying time in my life on how I was going to make it as a single mother. As time passed and I became better at my role as a single mother, and now to two living children, I felt more comfortable. As my divorce proceeded and time passed that pain dulled and I have fully moved on from my ex husband. But the hurt I had when Genesis died is not something that dulls, instead it evolves. As a single mom I had no love. I had no support. I was alone in it all. Especially in my grief. The one person that went through it with me was gone. He willingly left us all. I think this magnified my pain with Genesis. I kept it all bottled and I literally was just alone to wallow in my pain and I had no love from a significant other to help build me up again. As I started dating again I noticed this helped my pain. I was unsure if I could "fill" this hole or even ever feel complete or love again but dating had given me a glimpse that all that was possible. Now that I have Mr. M I kid you not, it has helped in my grief immensely. While the rainbows brought me a joy I had longed for and did provide much healing... it was a different kind of love and joy I have found with Mr. M. I feel I can coexist with my grief now. It's not taking over or consuming. It's still there from time to time but I can carry on with my everyday life. I hate to say it but I honestly don't think about Genesis as much as I used to. Don't get me wrong I still think about her a lot. I miss her more than I can put into words and long to have her here with the rest of my kids. But its different now. I don't think about her 100000 times a day like I used to. I have not really kept track but maybe Im down to once a day or something of the like. Its not that I really keep count either. Just things will come up, things will be said, events will happen, I will go to places that all remind me of her. But its at a good level now. I think before it was a little obsessive and compulsive which I honestly don't think is a bad thing. I think it may just be part of the process we go through. Or at least the process in which I go through to get through this. But I feel good right now. I feel the best Ive ever felt regarding this and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have Mr. M and that he accepts all my children. He allows me to talk about Genesis and he keeps her memory alive with me. Having that support is so very healing and means everything in the world to me. Im sorry, Im a bit all over the place with this post but felt it was time to write and get things out.

But anyway... Genesis EDD is quickly approaching and for now I am ok. Who knows what July 29th has in store for me though.
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