Thursday, June 21, 2012

A sweet surprise

This last weekend I got such a sweet surprise. One of my dear BLM friends was remembering her precious daughter and she surprised me by including Genesis in her special day. So very touching. She was so thoughtful to even go as far as to share some photos with me of her most special day.
<For the privacy of this BLM, details will not be mentioned and photos have been edited>

This BLM is such a sweetie, she is always remembering Genesis. Touches my heart every time. So, so wonderful. And did you notice its a dragonfly balloon? I have never seen one before. So awesome.

This actually came at a really good time because as June comes to an end and July approaches my year of anniversaries begins. July holds Genesis' EDD. She was due July 29th, 2007. Though this is the easiest of the anniversaries for me, it is far from easy. Its bearable now, and I may even have a pretty normal day, but at the end of the day I go to bed knowing things should have been so very different 5 years ago. As the months pass and more anniversaries arrive, each one gets harder and harder until March arrives. So I was sure of not in the mood for July to start just yet, but this has totally lifted my mood. So thank you to my dear friend and I hope to make it past July without incident.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Unexpected triggers

I had two instances occur recently where I was caught off guard with something someone either asked or something that I saw that brought back those memories.

First, I recently went to go see the movie Prometheus. Did I think this would make me think of Genesis? Never in a million years. Was it a huge trigger? No, but it made me think of her. {movie spoiler so please if you want to see the movie, stop reading} There was a scene were a lady was pregnant with an alien. Newly pregnant. I mean she had just been intimate 10 hours before and she was already 3 months pregnant... you know, I guess that happens when you get pregnant with an alien. Anyway, she was panicking to get it out of her and she gets in this machine that performs the surgery and this claw (much like you see in one of those claw machines to grab stuffed animals) goes in her abdomen and pulls out the alien baby. As it pulls it out, it is clearly still attached to her by means of the umbilical chord. The cord was very thin and because the lady wanted it out of her so bad, she actually ripped the chord with her own hands detach from this thing. That instantly made me flashback to when Genesis was born. The umbilical chord looked just like that. Very thin and whitish. You know, being that I was just over 5 months pregnant, it wasn't very big yet. As Genesis was born, and she slipped out of my body... there was no need to cut the chord as it was so very delicate that it tore on its own. Her ripping the chord brought that all back.

Then yesterday I followed up with the new preschool to see if D got it. (I have yet to know) As I was going through an interview they asked me developmental questions about him. One question that caught me off guard was what number child was he. I had never been asked this by a school. I really don't see what difference it makes. Anyway, that question totally took me by such surprise I swear I had sort of paused for what seemed like an eternity. I really didn't know how to answer it. A million thoughts went through my mind at that moment...but for simplicities sake, I finally said he was the first. I don't know if they lady noticed my hesitation... probably not. But questions like that really need to be omitted.

Lastly, I went to a new doctor recently and they were asking about my reproductive health and getting information on my history. Of course they asked how many pregnancies have you had. How many live births. And then of course when they see my numbers don't add up they ask if I have had any miscarriages. I answer no and usually that is the end of the questioning. But this time they went as far as asking if I had any terminations. I simply replied that my first daughter was stillborn. They made a note of it and then later on in the questioning they said "other than the stillborn, were your pregnancies normal and without complication?" I guess I understand that question, but what it implies to me is that "the stillborn" didn't matter. They didn't even ask why she was stillborn. As a doctor getting my medical and reproductive history isn't that a relevant question? And I didn't even get asked when this happened or not even a "sorry for your loss". Sigh.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Another wink...

It's been a little bit of time since Ive had a wink from her.

I am sort of going through a stressful situation right now with my childcare situation. I found an option that may work out for us. Yesterday I had to go to a new facility and drop off some paperwork to start the process. I was so worried going in, wondering if we were going to get approved or not.

Just as I was approaching the door a sweet little hummingbird flew right in front of me. She then perched on branch right above my head and just sat there looking at me though I was probably within range of touching her. As she looked at me she actually stuck out her tongue! Ive never seen a bird do that! I just knew it was a little wink to just calm my nerves and let me know that everything was going to work out.

I found out tomorrow if this new place will be approved or not. Keep your fingers crossed.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

An unexpected conversation

Mr. M came over yesterday for dinner and a movie. We had a nice time like always and then it was time to for him to leave. He was looking at a shelf I have that has a photos of my kids. He suddenly asked me "where do you have Genesis' ashes?" This sort of caught me by surprise. I told them they were in the nursery. Then I asked if he wanted to see her urn. He said yes. I showed him the drawer I have all things Genesis. I opened my memory box and showed him her special urn. He seemed touched. Seeing her blanket in the memory box, and my Molly Bear for her and all sort of mementos in that box sort of caused me to tear up. Then as I walked him to his car I mentioned that I only had one photo of her. At first he didnt understand. He said "you mean like an ultrasound?" I clarified that this was the only and only picture I had of Genesis after she was born. I then explained how I longed for more photos. How I had taken the camera with me to the mortuary but couldn't bring myself to take any pictures and how it was the greatest regret of my life. I started to cry. I was afraid of what he may think seeing me cry. He simply pulled me close and hugged me. I wonder if this will ever get old to him.  Me crying over Genesis. It will never end. I mean sometimes I can speak her name and tell her story just fine, but sometimes I can't even finish the fist sentence. I think I will always have moments where I get choked up. I hope he never tires of that.

Also something I found interesting, we talk a lot. We ask silly hypothetical questions and ask what the other would do in crazy situations... so yesterdays scenario was what would he take with him if he ever got called to war. He said my pictures of course, but then he said something that really caught me by surprise. He said he would take Genesis' ashes. This really did come out of left field as this was before Genesis came up as the topic. He mentioned her all on his own. Im touched he would think of her like that. He knows how important she is to me and he is making Genesis important to him too. I am beyond moved by this. The words sort of escape me... but I think he is absolutely incredible. I am so so blessed.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Now he has met all my kids

Im a bit late with this post but better late than never.

So two weekends ago I took Mr. M to the park. Yes that park. Garfield Park. Where Genesis' stone is at. He had no idea I was taking him there. It was really spur of the moment and it was at night so he couldn't really see the beauty of the memorial garden. And to add to that, for some reason the lights that are usually on at night to light the path were not on. Regardless though, he was able to see her stone. He used his cell phone to light up her stone and get a good look at it.

He was touched that I brought him there. On the drive home he even said "now Ive met all your kids..." Wow. This sort of took me by surprise that he saw it like that. I mean, he was completely right. This was the only way of "meeting" her. I am just in awe of how he is there for me regarding Genesis and how he keeps her memory alive. We have talked about Genesis many times and some times its easier for me to talk about it than others. Ive told him this too. Sometimes I can speak of her with a smile on my face. And other times I can't help but cry.

The last time I spoke of her with him I cried. He asked if I was full term with her when she was born. I told him no, I wasn't. I was about 5 1/2 months. He knew she had a condition that was not compatible with life but doesnt know exactly what it was. We were talking about when women have ultrasounds and the big 20 week one was the topic of conversation and I told him that was the ultrasound where we were told the bad news. I went in all excited to know weather we were having a boy or a girl and instead we were told "we are sorry but your baby isnt going to live." He then asked what options were given to me... you know. Induce or continue on. So I told him the story of that and how I felt I was pressured to make a decision right then and there which was not fair at all to me because I was still in a state of shock and honestly... why couldn't I have had a day or two to think about it? I mean the end result was still going to be the same. So needless to say I sort of broke down while I was sharing my story. He was still very supportive, holding my hand and offering me a tissue. Then I apologized for crying and told me there was no reason for me to apologize. I told I'm I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable... because we all know how people on the outside like to make this about them. He told me he thought that was ridiculous that people make it about them and that I in no way make him feel uncomfortable. I seriously still can't believe I found someone like him. He is absolutely amazing.

So our relationship is going fantastic. Im the happiest I think Ive ever been. And though our relationship is still a bit new, it is quite serious. Not to be confused with moving fast. Having said that we have had many a conversation about the future. About my current rainbows, about future kids and if something were to happen to either him or I. In one of these conversations the scenario came up that if we were married and we had children of our own and something happened to me what would come of the kids. Naturally Id want to make sure they are taken care of and I was curious as to what sort of plans he had envisioned as well as me letting him know what my wishes would be. Just when I thought the topic was done he then brought up Genesis. He told me that he would still go visit her stone with the kids and make sure that she was never forgotten and that her siblings would always be told about her. I was speechless. But that wasn't all. He then said that if something happened to me he thinks that Genesis and I should be together... like her ashes should be with me. This is actually a wish of mine to be carried out if something should happen to me. I had never told anyone that. And the fact that he mentioned it just blew my mind. After he said those things I just started crying. I have found an amazing man who gets it. Who gets it as best as anyone can get it who has not been through it personally. I am truly blessed.

Also I had previously told him about October 15th and the walks that take place in October and he told me he wanted to be a part of that. I cannot tell you what that means to me. I could ask for a better partner.
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