Monday, March 26, 2012

Am I looking too much into this

This is a picture of the flowers I gave my sister and my mom the day of Genesis' birthday 10 days ago.


They look very much as I would expect 10 day old flowers to look. My mom takes care of flowers quite well, giving them fresh water and putting them by a window for sunlight.

I on the other hand do not have a green thumb at all. I simply grabbed a cup filled it with water and stuck the remaining flowers in. They are not near a window or anything. This is a picture of my flowers 10 days later.


They look almost just as fresh as the day I bought them with the exception of slight browning on the tips. Is this weird? Does it mean something? Ok maybe I want it to mean something... I'm not sure... But it did strike me as a little odd... Thoughts? (feel free to slap the silly out of me ;) )

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Such a beautiful tribute

I went outside to discover a new decal on my moms car. Check it out:



Isn't that lovely? It definitely touched my heart.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Some strange things

Not sure if you remember last years anniversary for Genesis but I mentioned that strange or huge things tend to happen around her anniversary. Specifically between the week before her anniversary and the week after.

I've had things like earthquakes and tsunamis happen. This year the hummingbird getting inside and well I have a couple more things to add. Last night we got a rude awakening at 3:30am. It was the police. They showed up to our home and were searching the property with a flashlight. They actually came in the house saying someone had called 911 from our address. Um, no one actually called 911. We were all fast asleep. This was very very strange. Also one of the puppies we took to Genesis stone got very ill Thursday and we had to take him to the emergency room at the vet. I instantly flashed back to March 2007. We had a little puppy back then as well and it was about a week after Genesis died that this puppy got fatally ill. He had a congenital heart defect. I remember being in the vet with him and he was literally dying in my arm.... This new puppy made me relive that nightmare and remember Genesis death all over again. Thankfully though the puppy was fine and we were able to bring him home. Just so very strange.



Saturday, March 17, 2012

Another Anniversary

Another March 16th has come and gone, and I have to say this was the best one yet. Now dont take the word "best" out of context. I missed her like crazy and there were plenty of tears, but her day was as enjoyable as it could be given the circumstances.


I woke up and as I laid in bed thinking of the plans for the day I started to cry... I mean really sob that this is what I had to do for my child.


Then I brought over the rainbows to my moms house early in the morning so that I could get things done for the plans I had made for the day. {btw a huge thank you to my mom for that because without help with the rainbows the day wouldn't have been the success it was} The first thing my mom says to me is "I remember what today is." I burst into tears and thanked her.


I got dressed for the day and it was only fitting that I would wear my very special Genesis bracelet and my new Genesis necklace. I absolutely love wearing these beautiful pieces of jewelry but try to save them for the really special days so that they dont get damaged or tarnished or god forbid stolen or lost. 


I noticed online that both my brother and sister put lovely status updates commemorating their niece. My brother said "5 years ago we lost you but to this day we still miss you.. Even though your stay was short, youve made a lasting impression baby girl.. Love always Tete ~ Genesis <3"


My sister said "My niece, Genesis, would of been 5 years old today..I love you baby girl and we all miss you! You will always have a place in my heart <3 Love, Tia <3"


Again, I cant tell you how much that meant to me. Such a small thing to do, takes a moment of your time, yet it brings me to my knees in gratitude.


Anyway, the first stop on the list was actually the mortuary. Yes... her mortuary. Not where the viewing was but where she was cremated. I wanted to have her ashes transferred to the pretty butterfly urn that I had bought for her some time ago and thought today was the most fitting day to get it done. The lady there was very nice and did it quite quickly for me. Something unexpected happened though. I was under the impression that there was hardly any ashes of Genesis since she was so small. I was picturing a few mere particles. I had never opened the urn that she was originally given to me in so I had no idea how much was actually in there. That is sort of why I bought the butterfly urn because it was so small. Well the lady came out and told me that not all the ashes fit in the butterfly so she left some in the original urn. This was actually quite perfect for me, and I will explain later on why. But it made me happy to know that I actually had more of her. Anyway, here are the photos from the mortuary.
The round table my family and I sat at 5 years ago

I always remember this weeping willow as it was under this tree I received my daughters ashes

So this is her new resting place:

Then I made a stop to the florist where I got these lovely beauties. Pink gerber daisies. They remind me of her and it was just perfect for the day. Did you notice the lady wrapped them in plastic that had pink clovers? Come on, what are the odds? I know its not a coincidence. These were most definitely meant to be her flowers. I got 5 flowers to represent the 5 years that she had been gone. 






The next stop was the party supply store and I got these gorgeous balloons. Once again I got something girly, something that a little 5 year old girl would love. 5 precious balloons again to represent the 5 years that have gone by. In different shades of pinks and purples and with beautiful curly ribbons. They were certainly fit for a princess.


After running the errands I noticed that it was starting to rain. Actually it was more of a drizzle but the skies looked angry and I was afraid the plans I had for the rest of the day might be ruined by the rain. But I still went on as planned and headed home to meet with my mom, dad, brother, sister and nephew. 


We were all going to meet up to have a picnic together at the memorial garden where Genesis' stone is at. As we were getting into the cars my dad said "Look!" and we saw this:
Look closely, do you see that? Yup. Its a hummingbird. And in the rain of all times. I mean really, have you seen a hummingbird in the rain? Anyway, I was able to get very close to it and take this fantastic picture of it. It stayed for a few minutes before it flew off. I already knew it was a wink from her. So amazing.


Just then my mom said... did we tell you about the hummingbird? I was like what hummingbird? What are you talking about? Well something happened about a week ago... Im not sure why they dont tell me these things right when they happen but Im glad they told me nonetheless. My mom doesnt really believe in winks ya know. But this thing that happened was so undeniable that she is saying it has got to be Genesis. Anyway let me tell you what happened. A little background story though. My parents have a fantastically comfortable bed. It actually used to be mine and it was the bed I had when I was pregnant with Genesis. All my parents grandkids love their bed. To sleep, to play, to do whatever. They are in that bed all. the. time. Day or night, they run to that bed. Well about a week ago my dad was in the bedroom when he saw something fluttering around the room. At first he thought it was big moth. He went and swatted at it and actually hit it and it fell on their bed. Come to find out it was a hummingbird. Yes, a hummingbird inside their bedroom at night. It landed on the bed and it was just sitting there and jumping around in the bed walking on top of the sheets. My dad left the room to get my brother or sister to pick it up and let it outside but by the time they got back it was gone. I was in awe when my mom was telling me this story. Then she said "See, all our grandkids love playing in our bed." This moved me to tears. Im so glad that she said it though.


So with that we were off to the park. We stopped to get food from In-N-Out and we brought it to the park with us for the picnic. (looking back that was actually very fitting as I craved In-N-Out all the time while I was pregnant with her) The rain had stopped and it was just a lovely day even if it was overcast and slightly windy. It was perfect. My brother and sister each recently bought new puppies and they decided to bring them on the picnic. I thought it was super cute and it was almost like Genesis got puppies for her birthday. What little girl wouldn't love that :) 


I then got the original urn that she was in, the one that had the left over ashes that didnt fit in the butterfly urn and decided that part of her should be here. So I sprinkled her ashes around her stone.


So now every time I visit her stone I am literally visiting her. I love that she will always be at my childhood park and in this special garden. Before it was really hard for me to fathom sprinkling her ashes somewhere because I didnt think I had much left of her. I couldnt even think of "dumping" all I had of her somewhere and not having her home with me. Well now that I know I had enough to spread some ashes somewhere, I knew this was the place to do it. I found great peace in doing this.


Then I got a marker out of my purse to write Genesis a note on one of the balloons. Before I knew it all my family members had written a message on the balloons as well. {Can I just take a moment here to mention that this is the first time EVER that my entire family has come out to commemorate Genesis memory and that it meant the world to me to have there support and to see that they love and miss her too. It moved me beyond words. And my sisters husband came along to. He never met her, only heard of her and the fact that he came moved me to tears too} So then we did the balloon release and we all watched the pretty balloons float off into the distance. 


I left Genesis one of the flowers and gave one to my mom and sister and I decided to take the rest home with me. It brought me comfort knowing that both she and I had the same flowers.


Then for the reset of the evening I went to hilltop park where the wave of light candle lighting was at and I just enjoyed the view and solitude. And at exactly 5:24pm, the time she was born, I made sure to acknowledge that. 


My brother also actually reviled something I didnt know. He said that he took a photo of Genesis. He said he was at the hospital but I know for a fact that he wasnt there, so it must of been the mortuary. But he said he took a picture of her on his cell phone. I had no idea. He says he regrets losing that picture and wishes that he still had it. He has gone through dozens of phones since then and doesnt even remember what phone he had or where it is. But it moved me that there was a second picture out there on this Earth of my precious baby. Now if we ever were to come across that phone and find that picture....oh my god... I would be eternally thankful for yet another photo of my darling Genesis.



One more thing I forgot to mention. Today, the day after her birthday I planned a snowboarding trip with my sister. On our way there we saw this:
The biggest most brightest rainbow either of us have ever seen. My sister even joked when we first left that if we saw a rainbow that would be unbelievable. About an hour later we saw it. It was stretched over the road, we were driving straight through it until we came to this intersection where we had to turn left. It was seriously unbelievable though and left me in awe and speechless. I know she was there with me in spirit. And its so very significant that the rainbow came after her birthday. 
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
The rainbow made me smile and made me appreciate the rainbows that much more. It was an incredible weekend.


Last but not least, I got a surprise text message from Mr. L. He wasn't as big of a jerk as many of my friends think he is. He is actually quite sweet and we hope to remain friends. At any rate I was moved that he took a moment to text me on her birthday even though he claimed he couldn't cope with something so huge or offer me support, which he did by sending his text. This is what he had to say:


"Wish you the best of future memories on this sacred day today. May it be the first of many more years to come :)"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The last 24 hours and I feel it now

In less than 24 hours it will be March 16th.


I woke up this morning and today was no different than any other. But by the time I got to work my mind, body, soul... all knew that the final hours were counting down until her day arrived yet again. 


I felt my throat tighten a little more than normal when I swallowed.


I caught myself holding my breath a few times.


Trembling ever so slightly with each inhalation.


As I look at the calendar, I feel my whole body tighten up. Im tense. Very tense. Im getting anxious. Very anxious. I can feel it in my gut. So much so I am getting goosebumps, literally, when I think of what tomorrow is. 


As the morning has progressed I find I can't even take a deep breath. My lungs feel constricted. Im being suffocated. It hurts to breath. 


With each passing hour I feel it consuming me. 


I feel the void.


I feel the longing to want to hold her.


I feel the tears building up behind my eyes.


Please oh please let me survive this day.


I sort of feel guilty. I don't have anything huge planned for tomorrow. Just something small. The funeral idea just didn't come together. I didn't know where to even begin to start planning that. Maybe one day it will happen, Im not sure. But as for tomorrow... In the morning I am going to the mortuary where she was and Im taking her ashes there to have them move her to her pretty butterfly urn that I blogged about here. Surprisingly they do this for free. How wonderful. Anyway, after that I am having a picnic at Garfield Park where her memorial stone is at. Surprisingly my family agreed to come with me. We aren't really doing anything major. I plan to leave her 5 pink flowers and release 5 pink balloons... because after all, my baby would have been such a big girl tomorrow, turning 5 and all. 


Sigh.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

5 years ago today....

This week is just going by so fast. It's sort of different then how I had experienced it in the past. Before it seemed to be going so slow... moving in slow motion. Remembering every last detail of that day and reliving it. 


Today... I still remember... the details are still in the back of my mind but my heart has chosen not to bring those up, at least not yet. But what I do look back on, does not bring me to tears. It does not even stab my heart. I don't think it even makes me sad. It's simply a memory. A part of her story. A part of that day. I look back and remember but it does not weigh me down.


5 years ago today I checked into the hospital to have my sweet baby. Last year I posted about all the negative and heartbreaking things. This year I remember it differently. I choose to remember it all, not just the bad. 


Yes there was some good. Though the circumstances were not ideal, I simply had to deal with what life handed me. I was still very excited to meet my baby. I had imagined what this precious baby would have looked like for the last 5 1/2 months and I could not wait to gaze into it's face. I was also looking forward to experience labor and childbirth for the first time, a little scared but so very excited to experience the most intense maternal duty. I also did not know what gender the baby was at this point, though in my heart I just knew it was a little girl.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

5 years ago.... and Im surprisingly well

Here we are only 3 days before her 5th birthday. Im actually surprising myself with how I feel. This is the "best" anniversary I have had so far. And what I mean by best is that Im not really depressed or even blue. I have not cried and surprisingly Im not really missing her more than usual. Not sure what this means if anything. I just feel peaceful, which I think is the best case scenario. But we shall see what happens in the next few days.


I do however remember that 5 years ago today we made the heartbreaking decision to meet our daughter early and remove her from life support...aka induce and prevent any suffering. It was the hardest decision of my life and I still look back and feel that I was pressured into it. I wish I had more time to really think about this decision, although Im not sure that it would have changed my decision. Truth is, I can't change the past. It is done and its part of my story. I must live with it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

5 years ago today....

I got the news that my first child would not live long enough for me to raise her... She would hardly stick around long enough for people to even consider me a mother. My world collapsed around me, only to never be the same again.


To be honest.... I didn't remember on my own that today was the day of that appointment 5 years ago.... Im not forgetting.... forgetting would be impossible. But I think Im at a point where I just am not holding onto the negative events. Ive evolved to the point that Im not reliving it again every year as if it just happened. And thats ok, I think. It is what it is. I still remember her every single day. More-so in March. And more-so during this week. And especially on March 16th. I will every year. Forever. But I feel a change. This is part of my coping and it feels pretty good actually.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I can feel the love

Im slightly behind in this post but I wanted to make sure I covered everything I wanted to say and share. 


Over the course of the last few days I have received some lovely BLM mail. My sweet BLM friends always remember my sweet baby girl with me and especially so in March. I can't thank you enough for your support and for remembering her. It means more than words could ever say. You know sending a card is such a small gesture you know... like a little note on a piece of paper and it only takes a few minutes if that, to write and send out... but the fact that someone thought of you enough to sit down and take a moment out of your day to send something to your home is just something so endearing and oh so personal. I absolutely love it and appreciate every last note I get. 


And look at this lovely card to the right. Seriously how creative did this sweet mama write Genesis' name? I adore it! And don't get me started on how awesome that dragonfly ornament with the pink head is. Its lovely. It's already hanging on my memory tree. I love how full my memory tree is getting. Its just full of love. I appreciate the detail that this BLM puts in all the notes and messages she sends me. She has such a great memory and remembers great details of Genesis and my story. It touches me that she remembers and keeps it close to her heart. Speaking of small details, did you notice on the letter she made the "T" of my name a dragonfly? Yup, I noticed immediately and I thought it was absolutely genius and lovely of her to do that. And the pearl and feather... wow.... again, it has a deeper meaning to me. As mentioned a few times before on this blog I always referred to Genesis as my precious pearl. And the white feather is a reminder of this BLMs dear son. I love that our children brought us together and they are both symbolized in that little ornament. Just perfection.


And last but not least I wanted to share these photos of this amazing woman who always, always, ALWAYS... remembers my sweet girl. This woman became a BLM in a non conventional way, I don't want to get into specifics or have people draw judgements... but she is a BLM nonetheless. She found this blog and was captivated and drawn in. So much so that she had to go all the way back to the beginning of this blog to read up on the whole story and my experiences up till now. That in itself is something that has blown me away. No really. For someone to connect with me on that level, to be captivated by Genesis and my story. She has told me many times how I am an inspiration to her... I don't think Ill ever get used to hearing those words as I personally think Im hardly inspirational but am so very moved she thinks so. We connected on Facebook and she has been there for me not only in regards to Genesis but just with helping me cope with various things in my life. She is a true friend in the whole sense of the word. I am so very blessed that Genesis brought her to me. If it wasn't for this blog, I would have never met her. So yes, my sweet girl brought her to me. This sweet friend also lives in CA but not close by, about 6 1/2 hours from me. We have never met in person yet I feel like she is a better friend to me than many "friends" I have known my whole life. She will be a lifelong friend. 


<3 GML <3
Anyway getting back to the reason I brought her up. She sent me the most beautiful card. I really appreciate the "GML" on the front of the card. Many people forget her middle name and Im touched when someone remembers.














And I typically don't like to share what is written in my notes because, well it was written for me (and Genesis) not really anyone else but this note was so very sweet that I just had to share it with you all. This card moved me to tears. I cannot tell you how touched I am. Words seriously escape me. All the thank you's in the world will never show my appreciation for this most amazing card. I love the line "the impact you made travels across the ocean and around the continents." This is mind blowing to me because its true. I have people speaking her name and knowing her story oceans and contents away. That is seriously awe inspiring. And it warms my heart as a proud mama. 


Just when I thought the deal couldn't get any sweeter I found this in this same sweet friends package:
Like seriously, isn't that like the most perfect necklace you ever did see for Genesis? Its beyond words gorgeous. And I love the raw look to it. I can tell it was hand pressed. It gives it an organic feel to it which I absolutely love. The dragonfly is just perfect. And this charm is solid and quite heavy and love the way it feels hanging on my neck. Its presence is felt which is very significant on how I feel about Genesis presence. But as if that wasn't mind blowing enough, check out the back:
Thats right, her name is engraved on the back. How seriously AWESOME is that?! At first I didn't notice it, but upon further inspection my jaw dropped when I saw this. Its truly a magical piece and one that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I seriously cannot express the awesomeness of this most gracious and significant gift. To this mama, because I know you read this blog, I again want to express my heartfelt thanks for this amazing gift. Thank you from the depths of the oceans to the heights of the horizons, and the heavens and beyond. You are a dear dear friend to me and I will always hold you close. Thank you for all that you are. 


I am truly blessed to have come to know you all though my sweet pearl.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

What a sweet sweet gesture

The lovely Shauna from Pinwheels From Heaven, always has my sweet Genesis on her mind. I am just touched by her kindness and the love she has for my sweet girl. In honor of Genesis 5th birthday she made a donation to Laken Bears. She sponsored 5 teddy bears to represent Genesis' 5 years this month.


It's so very touching that 5 adorable teddy bears will be donated to hurting families and that Genesis will have her part in bringing them comfort. To see the post on Laken Bear's site, Please visit this link.


Melissa from Laken Bears is also sending me an Angel Penny that are given to those that have sponsored bears. To read more about Angel Pennies and click here.


Also I decided to make my blog public again. Im not sure how long it will stay public but for now I feel I need put Genesis and her story and my story out there for the time being... especially this time of year.


Again thank you all for your continued love and support, and more importantly for remembering my sweet precious pearl, Genesis.

An unexpected emotion/ reaction

Ive mentioned my younger sister a couple times on here... but I can't recall if Ive really gone into details about one event that sort of kicked me in the gut. 

A couple years ago when I was pregnant with G turned out my then 17 year old sister was pregnant too. Although she decided to hide the pregnancy as long as she could and didn't tell the family until she was already 5 months along. I was 4 months along at the time with G. It was a shock to me that my little sister was pregnant at all. Pregnant at 17. And that she was going to meet her baby before I met mine. All that I could think of is why did one of my babies die when I did everything right... got married. Waited to start a family. Get checked out by the doctor before we started to try... and yet she did nothing, nothing at all and was blessed with a child. A child she was not ready for nor did she really want it at that time. Why? We will never know the universe's reasoning. 

Well yesterday my sister who is now 19 with an almost 2 year old, and yes she is now married but still unemployed (don't get me started) told me she was late. Yes... you know what I mean about late. I surprised myself with my reaction. Those same feelings came up. Those feelings and more. Jealousy. The bitter BLM came out. Of course I hid her as best I could but I knew she was there. I seriously can't believe I still react like this. I have 2 living children... a boy and a girl... I thought this was supposed to go away. Maybe its still there because I know I want more kids in the future but don't know if or when it will happen or with who. At any rate... it was a false alarm. She is NOT pregnant. But my reaction and the feelings that came up has prompted me to sort of step back and look at myself and try to figure things out. Is there figuring it out? Im not sure. But I am very much into self reflection and trying to constantly improve yourself as a person. So thats what Im doing in the hopes of moving past these emotions.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Another flashback

Today I went for a walk during my lunch today. And while enjoying the great weather and the beautiful scenery I listened to some music. The power of music is incredible. It can evoke feelings out of nothing. Bring memories to the surface that we didn't remember we had. It can even help people bond and remember those that are no longer here.


I was listening to this song during my lunch and of course it reminded me of my baby girl. I included the lyrics below, Im sure many a BLM would connect with this song as well and its why I choose to share it with you all.


Take me to that old familiar place
Take me to memories we won't erase
Take me to all that we had
Good and the bad

I'll never forget you
I'll never let you go
I'll never forget you
I'll always remember, I hope you know

Let the record reflect the records we set
Best foot forward with every step
And let's push towards it, never regress
And let's remember, if ever we get
Down, the places that we came from 'round
And all the good times on the bad side of town
The upside of bad, flip it upside down
Came from the bottom but we up high now
Believe, and from this view we achieved
We looked back at the rules we received
And how we broke those, dismantled and rewrote those
And the ghost still alive in the photos
Sounds of the summer, day and go wise
Cold wind blowin' through a city on fire
Moments of the past, came here to find you
Not to relive them, just to remind you

Take to that old familiar place
Take me to memories we won't erase
Take me to all that we had
Good and the bad

I'll never forget you
I'll never let you go
I'll never forget you
I'll always remember, I hope you know

And let the evidence show, the future's so bright
It's never been more, not like tonight
We walk into the glow, right into the light
The past all around us, the time of our life
The first love kisses, the broke heart disses
This is just like a first-class ticket
Back, to the first written rap
The crumbled-up paper and the pen with no cap
The hand-me-down clothes and the unturned hat
The hookers on the corner and the kids sellin' crack
The needles in the yard where we used to play catch
Stories from the project we could never go at
Or to, these are shades of my youth
Trials of a child, everything truth
Moments of the past, comin' back to find us
Not to relive them, just to remind us

Take to that old familiar place
Take me to memories we won't erase
Take me to all that we had
Good and the bad

I'll never forget you
I'll never let you go
I'll never forget you
I'll always remember, I hope you know

Everything cherished, remembered in my heart
So you will never perish, you will never part
I tell 'em all about you, drummin' in the park
We put you in the ground, but I see you in the stars
Go'n, take a bow, a round of applause
The best that ever, always ready we are
Love always shines, that's how I'll find you
In case you forgot, I hope this reminds you

Take to that old familiar place
Take me to memories we won't erase
Take me to all that we had
Good and the bad

I'll never forget you
I'll never let you go
I'll never forget you
I'll always remember, I hope you know

Ok so getting to the original purpose of this post. During my walk while I was listening to music my mind began to wander. It went back there. Yea, you know. There

It was the day after I was discharged from the hospital, March 18th, 2007, and it was before I met my baby girl for the first time at the mortuary. My then husband and I and my family met at the funeral home to make the cremation arrangements. I remember sitting at a circular table with my family. The lady there was so very sweet and didn't charge us the typical hundreds of dollars to cremate someone because... well, she was a tiny baby that would have little to no ashes left after she was cremated and because our story touched her and she couldnt find it in herself to charge a grieving mother. Bless her heart. I remember asking if I was the mother. Boy, did that feel so foreign. I mean, it was very very strange for me to be called that but looking back I appreciated that she did. She kept referring to us as the parents and today I was thinking back about how awkward it felt to be called that without a child but how oh so necessary it was. 


Now that I am a mother in the full sense of the word I find myself thinking back to that day vaguely remembering how odd it was to not be a real parent. I sort of grieve for that Tiffany. She had no idea what was to come. What was to come in her marriage, in her life, in coping with being a BLM. Boy I have come a long way.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Heart to heart

I had a heart to heart with my mom a few days ago. I was telling her about the break up with Mr.L and how he initially made it about Genesis and whatnot. 


In bringing up Genesis we got into our own conversation about her. If you recall, I only have one photo of my sweet baby girl. It was a photo that the hospital took of her many many hours after she was born and her fragile little body had already started going through the changes. Last year I had put her photo in a scrapbook I made for her and was so proud of it that I shared it with my mom. Well she brought that up and said that she was really insulted by that. I was taken aback by this. She said that that wasn't how she remembered Genesis. That she saw Genesis when she was first born and she was still warm and pink and beautiful as a newborn usually is. I told her I was glad that she got to see her like that and glad someone saw her in all her beauty but I didn't have that luxury. I saw her and met her for the first time at the mortuary 2 days after she was born. She looked like she did in the photo. That is the only Genesis I knew and know. And I still think she is absolutely gorgeous and that is how I remember her and I treasure that photo and the memories I do have. I don't have the luxury of having a photo of her while she was alive or right after she was born. I just don't. So I deal with what life gave me. But to tell me she was insulted by seeing that photo of Genesis actually insulted me. I find it ridiculous. 


If you all know me, you know that I keep this photo private. Ive never put it up anywhere. Even here on the blog its been edited to only show her tiny feet. I plan to keep it like that. But my mom went so far as to tell me what I should and shouldn't do with that photo. Telling me that I should never share it with anyone and that if I did it would be disrespecting her. That she can't speak up and defend herself. I was like are you serious? Its my photo. Its my decision and you can't tell me what I can and can't do. Secondly... disrespecting her? for real? Why on Earth would I do anything to disrespect her? What mother doesn't like to "show off" or share pictures of their kids? Their motives are out of love and because they are proud of their kids. Now I don't share this picture publicly but that is why I shared that picture with my mom. Again I told her Im sorry I don't have any other pictures to share but if she had any to please give them to me as I would much rather have those. Of course she doesn't have such a picture but it put her in her place.


We got to talking more and I brought up the idea of having a funeral and surprisingly the idea was not shot down or frowned upon. At first she said we already had one when we went to see her at the mortuary. I said no, that was a viewing where I got to say hello and goodbye to my daughter. Nothing was said about her and no one had a part in saying goodbye with me. I would like to have some sort of service even if its just at home were we as a family and some close friends come together to acknowledge her life and what she meant and continues to mean to our family. My mom said she would go. My immediate family would actually all go. I was very touched by this. 


She also mentioned that she and my brother were going to get "In Loving Memory" vinyl decals to put on their cars. I was SO incredibly touched by this. I had no idea and I think I will cry tears of joy if I were ever to see it on their cars. Im so very happy to hear they thought of doing this on their own. I can't wait to see it. 


And on Friday I was driving on the freeway and saw this next to me:
I can't tell you how happy it made me to see this. 


Anyway, that is my Genesis update at the moment.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Change

I feel the need to reevaluate everything. How I grieve. How I cope. How I handle the Genesis situation. And no, this was not triggered by Mr.L. It was a long time coming actually. I have had many people do and say things to me over the last 5 years regarding how I handle the situation. Friends, family, church members, coworkers... And I suppose the events that happened with Mr.L was the straw that broke the camels back. It was my tipping point.


I have mentioned several times that my grief is ever changing. My grief now is not the same as it was in the first few days after Genesis died, and its not the same as it was last year or the year before that. Im sure its pretty safe to say that it will be different a year from now too. Heck maybe even next month it will be different. But the way that I have coped has stayed the same. And I think maybe thats where my problem lies... if this even constitutes as a "problem". If my grief is changing should the way I cope change as well to accommodate that?


I have taken a step back to reflect on all that I do and why I do it. I see if it really helps or if I do it out of habit. Could it actually be hurting me? Could it be keeping my loss "fresh" in my mind by doing these things? Am I making a bigger deal of it than needs be? Yes losing a child is a huge deal. But 5 years out? What about 10 year? 30 years? When does it stop being a big deal? When do you stop talking about it? Do you ever? Should you stop?


Part of me fears that by moving forward (not moving on because you cant move on) means forgetting. And no, there is no possible way I or any mother will ever forget... but thats just a fear my heart has. Its clear that others have moved on and have forgotten and I let that hurt me. Maybe I shouldnt. I mean after all, she was my child not theirs. Why should I hold them to a mothers standards? To my standards? An I expecting too much of others? What is it that I really do expect of others? 


I have asked myself these questions and countless more. 


There are a couple things I have not done regarding Genesis that Im not sure if it would help or not. Genesis never had a funeral and I think having one may actually give me closure and peace when people show up and recognize her life and that she was real and she is missed. Though that sets myself up for potential pain if no one even bothers to show up. So Im very hesitant about that. The second thing I have not tried that maybe is worth trying at least once is talking to a counselor. Not sure it will help but Ill never know until I try. Those are the two main things.


Something else that crossed my mind is that Im supposed to carry this with me and cope with this for the rest of my life right? So I have all of my life to figure out how to cope with it... so why not try different things. I can always go back if it doesnt work. So I thought that after her birthday I would try a new approach. I thought maybe I would be so public about Genesis in the next year. I would think of her and miss her and keep her memory alive but by myself. I wont talk about her openly and Ill (I hate putting it this way) conform to what society expects of me. Ill see if it makes a difference or not. If not, then I go back to doing what Im doing. But if it does help, perhaps I can find that true happiness within I mentioned before. Again, Ill never know unless I try.


In part of me trying this new course of dealing with things, I am going to write a letter to Genesis letting her know my plan and either tie it to a balloon and release it or maybe put it in the fireplace and sort of signify me letting go and moving forward and lifting this burden I have put on myself. So here goes nothing with my letter.


             :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


My baby girl Genesis,
It's been a while since Ive written to you. But you surely know that its not because you haven't been on my mind. You always are sweetheart. Nothing could ever make me forget you. Ever. Its physically impossible. But it seems that perhaps I have focused on your story and your legacy in the wrong light. For the last almost 5 years I have looked back with a sort of sadness and regret that I couldnt have saved you. And while it is and was sad, the main focus was that you were here. That you were and still are my daughter and that your life, no matter the length, was a miracle. I was blessed to have had you. And you were and still are very much loved. I am incredibly proud to be your mother. What a title to have. And so I should shift my focus to the positive. Because the negative has sort of weighed me down and started to become a burden. And you didnt do that baby girl, I did it to myself. And I recognize that and thats why I realize things have to change. Through the help of a good friend, she also helped me realize that part of me stayed back in March 16th, 2007. That Tiffany is forever stuck on that day and I think part of my struggle is that for the last almost 5 years I have been trying to get her here. The thing is, that Tiffany cant come here. She is forever there, with you. And you know, thats ok. I just have to accept that. And I think I have. I can leave her there to move forward and its ok. I want you to know that moving forward isnt moving on. Moving on to me, means that you have gotten over something and eventually forget. I will never be over living life without you. But moving forwards means that I have accepted what has happened and that I realize my life still has to continue and I should live it in a way that I know you would have wanted me to. You would want a happy mama who loves life fully. Another dear friend suggested that I live life as though you were actually here. Live it fully. And give all of myself to living a happy life. Because if Im holding back anything because of you, it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone that is a part of my life. Or even to you. I cant put that kind of pressure and responsibly on you. In short if I do that Im saying you are holding me back from living a happy life and that will never be the case. So baby girl, as I try to navigate this ever evolving road, just remember that we are forever connected. And though I may not speak your name out loud as much, you are constantly being thought of. And your name is forever written in my heart. I just know that you understand why I have to do this and I thank you for loving me still. 


Until we meet again my sweetness.


Muah!


Love,
Mommy

Thursday, March 1, 2012

5 years ago today....

Here I am again with another anniversary post. I know I post the same thing every year. And I hope its not getting old... but every year I relive it. I remember. Every detail. Will this ever stop? Is there something wrong with me that this is still happening? I can't be the only one...


But 5 years ago today I got a call from my OBs office telling me that the results of my AFP test were in and that they were positive. I remember exactly where I was. I was at work and got up to take the call. I went outside on the balcony of my work and remember being shocked at what was being told to me on the other line. I was stunned and in shock and was left standing out there for a little bit with my hands shaking and my heart racing. I slowly walked back to my desk and sat down in a stupor and just stared at the computer screen.


The only thing my OB ever told me could be wrong was spina bifida. I told myself that I could deal with that. I would still have my baby and that no matter how hard it may be we would at least be together. I worried about how spin bifida would affect my baby's quality of life. Boy were my worries stupid. I would have gladly taken spin bifida over what she really did have. At least my baby would have had a chance of life. 


They asked me to go in for a level 2 ultrasound to see what was going on with the baby. The closest appointment was not for another two weeks. So during this wait I prayed and prayed like a mad woman. I prayed so damn hard if I could have bled from prayer I would have been drenched in it. Little did I know that all my praying and faith would be in vain.
                     :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


I was talking to a friend about my breakup with Mr.L and though he was trying to be supportive he said something that I had to correct as a BLM. As a BLM it changes everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. You have to find a new way of living just as someone who maybe lost a limb or suffered a horrific accident may need to learn how to do even the most basic of things again. They may even have to learn to do them in a different way. The same can be said about a BLM. Although our handicap is not blatantly obvious. And as a result we are judged because we seem like we are ok. We seem like we are the person we used to be, but clearly we are not. I strongly believe that being a BLM changes our very core. Our chemical balances and even the disposition of our soul. Sadly though, there are no tests that can confirm this. Just the accounts of thousands of BLMs out there. Im sure they would agree.


Anyway here is what my friend said about my dating experience: "You have to find happiness in yourself first. You can't go looking for someone to make you happy." I agree 100% with him for any normal person. And for the record, I was not looking for Mr. L or anyone else to make me happy. I was just looking for someone to share my life with and you know, everything else that comes with being in love.


My reply to him: "There is no such thing as happiness within for a blm. There just isn't. The happiness, the TRUE happiness is gone. Forever. And Im not saying it to be dramatic or pessimistic or to gain sympathy. I say this because its true. Instead I got to a point where I had focused on myself and my process of getting through this and I became the best person I thought I could be. I felt comfort through what I do to remember Genesis. I found strength in getting through it and being able to be a fantastic mom for my living children. I was happy with who I was and comfortable with where I was. I felt I came a long way and was at my best and thats when I felt I was ready to meet someone. I will never get to the point where I have true happiness within myself. Its impossible in every sense of the word. What I am looking for is not for someone to make me happy. Because grief and coping is ever changing, I have my good days and I have my bad days. Through this process the good days have out numbered the bad days. But the bad ones still come, especially around this time of year. And when I say bad.. it just means I miss her and want to talk about her and remember her. It doesn't mean I am sitting somewhere in a dark corner rocking myself to sleep. And what I am looking for is someone to share the happy days with. But someone who will be there for me on the hard days. Someone that will be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and give me their hand to hold. Thats is. And I have so much to offer someone, and all I ask in return is to accept me and my 3 children, yet this seems to be a huge deal for everyone I have met so far." Now I know that many readers may not be in the same situation as me but Im sure you all can agree with me saying there will never be happiness within ourselves. 


I will tell you though what IS within us. A hole. A almost literal hole in not only our hearts but in our soul. A hole that will never ever be filled again. Our heart and soul may be filled with all sorts of future joy and happiness, but no matter how many good things may happen to us, it doesn't repair the damage that was caused. It just doesn't work that way.


Its forever there. 


You can't fix it. 


Just as a mirror that has been broken can never give you that perfect view no matter how many times you repair it. Its just not fixable. Which I think touches on part of the problem with dating and relationships as a BLM. Its obvious to your partner something is wrong. Something will always be wrong. Its their natural instinct and inclination to want to fix things. Make you happy. Make it all better. But this is one thing that can't be fixed and I think they get frustrated and can't feel fulfilled to their partners because of that. At least thats sort of what I have gathered. 


Anyway, Id like to share the photo for this months Lost For Words calendar. My dear dear friend was quoted for this month which makes it even more meaningful to me. Please join me in not only remembering Genesis this month, but also in remembering her sweet sweet girl Ireland.

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