Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A leap year to remember

This wonderful leap year started off with me getting dumped and leading into that wretched month known as March.

Something else that happened today was my necklace broke. Yup. That necklace. Yup. Again. And the weird part is that it practically just fell off me as I was wearing it... not even touching it.

I think it's a sign. I keep replacing it and replacing it and it keeps breaking and breaking all over again. I think it's a sign I need to do something differently. Move on... Or something. Because clearly I should not be where I am 5 years out... Or at least that what the rest of the world has lead me to believe.

Mr. L has caused me to question how "involved" Genesis is in my life. I asked a good guy friend if me having a dead child is an issue for guys I'm considering dating. He replied, no not really... Unless you make it a big deal. Those words stuck with me.

Am I making it a big deal?

What's considered big?

And isn't losing a child actually a big deal?

When does it stop being a big deal.... If ever?

I have been spending the day thinking about how I grieve...
If I should still be grieving. How I remember her and if it's actually helping me. What is considered help? I'll never get "better"... So why do anything at all?

I'm questioning everything now. I felt like I had found myself once... And now I feel like I may have lost myself again. Or did I ever really find myself to begin with? As you can see I'm confused and overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin.

Good feeling gone

Well another one bites the dust. Mr. L has decided to cut ties with me. And over something I never saw coming. Genesis. 

He said that he had previously been in a long term relationship with a woman that had given up a daughter for adoption. Said he was there for her emotionally and that the mom had an open relationship with her and that it was a continuous nonstop thing... he said that depleted him of compassion and emotional drained him as a person. He has none of that to offer me for genesis. He wants to, wishes he could but he cant offer than and deal with the handicap of his neck. Its too much. he said he didnt realize what a big thing this was for me. During our earlier convo I was telling him about the rabbit hole movie. He said that convo about all pregnancy and infant loss was too much for him. It made him feel drained and that in the short time we had been dating, almost 2 months, I brought her up 3 times.... and that its more than he can handle. he kept saying its not a bad thing, he just cant cope with that. i told him i think he is putting more pressure on himself with the expectations he is setting on what he thinks he needs to give me during hard times. He said he knows but thats just him and that what He wants to give but cant and as a result it leaves him feeling stressed and depleted. He cant cope.

Its odd really. He tells me that I have made him so happy these last few weeks. That I am one of the most amazing women he has ever had the pleasure of knowing. That we connect on so many levels like no one ever has before. That our chemistry is off the charts epic. That he can even see himself helping me raise my kids. BUT, he cant cope with Genesis being such a big part of my life. Wow... really? I was sort of left speechless. I straight up told him "I knew dating as a single mom wasnt going to be easy... but I never thought it would be the dead child that a guy would have the problem with." And can someone please tell me why he made this about him? HE cant cope? HIM? This is my loss. My daughter. I have been the one coping. Im the one that will always have to cope... because what other option do I have. It has nothing to do with him. And the only thing I would ever need as support from a future partner is to allow me to talk about her when I need to without judgement. Thats all. Evidently that was too much of me to ask.

I guess I am sentenced to a live a lonely life full of heartache.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I don't know what to say

As is often the case I feel I need to write something here.... but Im at a loss for words. I don't know quite what to say or how to put my feelings into words. And if I do come up with something its the same thing as always.

Im thinking of her.

I miss her.

I wish she were here.

I have yet to really talk to Mr. L about Genesis and my feelings. He knows this time of year is rough and that March 16th is her birthday. He knows she would have been 5. He has offered his listening ear and a shoulder to cry on... but I have been scared to take him up on his offer. I feel the need to talk to someone about her. The only person who has done that for me recently was my brother. God I love him. We have really gotten much closer recently and this was the brotherly relationship I have always longed for.

Last Friday my brother came over for drinks. And as is the case much of the time when drinks are involved, we got to talking. Talking without holding back. We talked about lots of things. And then of course Genesis came up. We talked and talked about her for over an hour, probably more but I lost track of the time. There were laughs and there were tears. But mostly there was no holding back on what we wanted to say about Genesis. He told me that he was there for me anytime I wanted to talk about her and he wasn't like everyone else that shunned me for doing it. It was an amazing night of remembering my sweet girl. 

And while its great that I now have my brother to talk to like this, I sort of long for that with Mr. L. It may be too soon yet though. Im not sure. Im not sure how much into detail I want to get into with him right now, but I wish that I could open up myself more so he can connect with this very sacred part of me. Who knows... the opportunity may come up especially as her birthday approaches. As always, time will tell.

I have gotten more winks at my work with a company that has Genesis in the name has been calling in more and more frequently. It still makes me sort of hold my breath and catch myself each time they call in. It puts a smile on my face, but still makes me take a longing sigh.

The other day I was telling Mr. L that its fun to dream. We were talking about what we wished for and in this case the different kinds of cars and what he would buy when his ship comes in. And I was recounting that conversation yesterday and imagined that he had turned it around and asked me the same question. "What do you dream of? if you could have anything in the world, what would you wish for?" My one want. My one wish. My only longing. Is always the same. I wish to be able to hold all 3 of my children at the same time. Its simple. Its free. It only lasts but a moment. But at the same time its a memory... an event.... a moment that would last me a lifetime. It would be the most priceless thing to have ever happened to me. You can't put a price on it. The value is unmeasurable. But more importantly.... its a dream that can't come true. Its physically impossible in this lifetime. But I have faith the day will come in the new system. 

So instead I settle for my realistic dream that hopefully will be attained one day. And that is to someday own my own home. Nothing fancy, just a little place on this Earth we can call our own. A safe place for the kids and I to grow and be happy. But what is this dream worth if I will always have an empty bedroom for the little girl that was supposed to grow up in that house... seems like a silly dream. A dream that will not be fulfilled to its full potential because she won't be here with me. 

Ugh... why do I think like this. I mean I really don't try to be pessimistic. I actually consider myself very optimistic and have learned to appreciate the beauty in small things and not take life for granted. But I think it just comes down to the fact that I miss her. I will always miss her. I mean how could I not? She was/is a literal piece of my flesh that is missing. But I think the bottom line is that I can miss her and not be sad. I can long to have even just another moment with her but not be wallowing in self pity. I can cry for her but still be a happy person. Im still learning how to cope with this. I think its a process that evolves just as our grief... maybe it is our grief... but as the move The Rabbit Hole put it... its just something you carry around with you in your pocket. And sometimes you may even forget its with you, but as soon as you put your hand in your pocket to get something else, you are reminded. And you know what? Thats ok.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Less than 30 days

Yup her birthday is in less than 30 days. Each day my heart throbs more and more. I don't even have to be thinking about it... my heart does on its own. 

I have not posted much about my dating life as my last dating experience didn't really end well.. but I have been seeing a new man for a little bit now. About a month and a half now. And honestly things are going fantastic. I told him a few weeks into dating about Genesis. I wasn't sure how he would react. I mean its bad hard enough to find someone accepting of the fact that I have 2 kids... and now I had to drop the bomb on him that I actually have 3 but one is dead. But he understood where I was coming from and knew why I had to tell him. Because to know me and my kids is to know Genesis. She is a huge part of my life and anyone I am considering being with needs to know that. I also thought it was fitting since March was approaching and he should know that its a hard time for me. He was very understanding and appreciated me telling him and told me it doesn't change a thing. He even told me he was glad I told him as he wants to be there for me during this difficult time. He wants to help me get through it this year with maybe making happy memories. I really liked that. He also said that I can feel free to tell him anything and talk about Genesis anytime I want. He will always be there as a supportive listening ear. Seriously, he is great.

So anyway, I bring up the guy Im dating... we will call him Mr. L, because of something he said to me Friday. I was in the mood to get a tattoo... (please no judgements) and I told him about it. His first reply was "Is this in memory of Genesis?" I thought that was so very sweet of him to think of her. This is actually the second time he has brought her up since I told him about her. The first time I was having a rough day and he asked if it was because of her and since her date was coming up. It wasn't but I was touched that he asked. (and for the second it was not a memorial tattoo and I didn't even end up getting it)

Also on friday I got a postcard from my uncle. This is my biological uncle that I just met last year for the first time. Check out what he wrote on the card:

Did you catch that last bit? "Give a big hug and kiss to D & G and a special one for Genesis. And of course to you!" He seriously blew me away. Brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. Just wonderful.

And on Saturday I finally got the dog tags I ordered from S.O.B.B.S. It again brought a smile to my face when I saw her name.

This time of year is no joke. Each year it is different though. Its more manageable 5 years out... though I have to tell you I do have my rough days leading up to her birthday. Im not sure how the actual day will be. Ive already had a few random days where I just cry. 

Yesterday I took D & G for a walk and took this adorable photo:
You know what I thought as I took the photo... How I would love for them to be holding Genesis hand right now... walking with her. I even imagined 3 small shadows walking on the sidewalk. Made me miss her so very much.

Also yesterday, I had a little heart to heart with D. Letting him know that Im always going to be here for him. I will never leave him. Since I have been dating Mr. L he's had to share mommy with someone and there have been a couple times where sometimes he worries if Im not coming back. So I just wanted to assure him Im here forever and no one comes before him and G. He understood and his reply was "Ill never forget you mommy." Kind of interesting the choice of words he used but I knew where he was coming from. Then I took the opportunity to ask him to always remember Genesis too. He shook his head in agreement and said "no problem." Ha ha! I love this kid. But yes, he gets it I think. And I don't doubt that he will ever forget his big sister. She is in his heart. I can't wait for G to be old enough to get it and start saying her name. That will be music to my ears. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Its that time of year again....

Really my mind starts thinking about it after the new year. I can see the dark clouds in the horizon. Just looming.

Headed steadily in my direction.

On a straight path towards me.

Only to hit me head on in March.

So as the weeks of the new year settle in and I start to feel comfortable then January 26th arrives. Ive mentioned before what this date is but as always I will mention it again. January 26th, 2007 a beautiful baby boy was born. And not only was he given birth to, but a beautiful idea and service was born too. Yes Im referring to Christian, Carlie Marie Dudley's Christian. His birthday is only weeks apart from Genesis' birthday. So when his day arrives, it reminds me of the big day that is ahead.

Then February arrived and things settled a bit again, until today. February 14th. And no, it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. It has to do with the fact that one of my dogs was born on this day. This day 5 years ago. Yup. 2007. I didn't adopt this dog until after Genesis died. He brought me comfort. 

{Im gonna backtrack a little here}
The story behind Yoshi, my dog, was that I had a dog growing up named Kiwi. I loved her dearly. I had her since I was 6 years old and I had her up until January 2004 where she died at home at the ripe age of about 15. Here is a picture of my sweet Kiwi.
After she died I got another dog which I still have and I love him very much. But I always said that if I saw another dog that looked just like she did... black with a white left paw and white chest, that I would have to buy it.

After Genesis died, a couple months later around Mother's Day (don't even get me started), my then husband and I were walking around the mall and popped into the pet shop. And I saw him. I saw Yoshi. A black pomeranian with a white left paw and white chest. I knew it was meant to be. I was yearning to have something to nurture and care after since Genesis died. I had empty arm syndrome. And so it was a no brainer that this puppy was coming home with us. Here is a picture of Yoshi just days after we brought him home.
Quite the resemblance huh? Anyway... like I mentioned before, he was born Valentine's Day 2007... Just a matter of weeks before Genesis' actual birthday. So he reminds me of her too. He is almost the exact same age Genesis would have been. She should be here playing with him. Sigh. So him turning 5 today reminds me again of the ever fast approaching dark cloud that is March 16th. 

Her 5th birthday. 

Does it ever get easier?

Is easy even the right word?

Will this ever go away?


I don't have the answers. And I don't think anyone really does either since this is different for everyone and emotions are every changing. What might have been manageable one year may be excruciatingly painful the next. Who knows how things will be. 

My main focus is to remember her. 

Remind others she was here.

She was mine. 

She IS loved.

She IS wanted. 

She IS still a member of the family.

And celebrate that I am her mother and was truly blessed to be given this child. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Genesis and her uncle?

Omg I have my brother said after the super bowl party at my parents house he went into the kitchen for a late night snack, this was around 2 am. He said he put a soup in the microwave and walked into the living room. My parents have wood floors and he swears he heard the floor creaking behind him. He looked immediately and there was nothing behind him. He told himself it was all in his head and went into another room. Again, the creaking steps followed him. This time he checked the living room and the dining room and turned on all the lights. Still didn't see anything. He turned around and walked back to the kitchen to get his soup. Every step, step by step, was followed by a creak behind him. The creak continued when he got to the kitchen and the kitchen has tile floor. Tile does not creak! Suddenly he felt a tug on his pants. He said it reminded him of G when she follows him around, tugging on his pants when she wants him to pick her up. Instantly he thought of Genesis and as soon as he did it all stopped. I don't know what to think or say or do.... Im in shock and on the verge of tears....

Monday, February 6, 2012

Someone unexpectedly remembers her

My parents had a super bowl party yesterday and something unexpected happened. There was a little girl at the party that was no more than 16 months old. All of a sudden D starts calling this little girl Genesis over and over. I was in shock. My jaw dropped. My sister heard him too. I finally had to take him to the other room to tell him this was a new friend and not Genesis. That Genesis is his big sister and she died. He said "oh ok." and looked a little sad. But then he returned to play with his new friend and didn't call her Genesis any more. Just out of left field.
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