Something else that happened today was my necklace broke. Yup. That necklace. Yup. Again. And the weird part is that it practically just fell off me as I was wearing it... not even touching it.
I think it's a sign. I keep replacing it and replacing it and it keeps breaking and breaking all over again. I think it's a sign I need to do something differently. Move on... Or something. Because clearly I should not be where I am 5 years out... Or at least that what the rest of the world has lead me to believe.
Mr. L has caused me to question how "involved" Genesis is in my life. I asked a good guy friend if me having a dead child is an issue for guys I'm considering dating. He replied, no not really... Unless you make it a big deal. Those words stuck with me.
Am I making it a big deal?
What's considered big?
And isn't losing a child actually a big deal?
When does it stop being a big deal.... If ever?
I have been spending the day thinking about how I grieve...
If I should still be grieving. How I remember her and if it's actually helping me. What is considered help? I'll never get "better"... So why do anything at all?
I'm questioning everything now. I felt like I had found myself once... And now I feel like I may have lost myself again. Or did I ever really find myself to begin with? As you can see I'm confused and overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin.