Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My grandmother and Genesis

Saturday morning I got a call that my grandmother wasn't doing good. She was rushed to the hospital. As soon as I heard that, I packed the kids in the car and started the 3 1/2 - 4 hour drive to Fresno with my brother. By the time we got there she was much much better and out of the ICU. I got to spend a couple hours with her and take some beautiful pictures with her. As I was sitting by her bedside many thoughts went through my head like if this is the last time I was going to see her and how badly I want to tell her about Genesis and that she will get to reunite with her much sooner than I will. 

Anyway, On the way back from Fresno my brother and I had a wonderful heart to heart. He talked to me for over an hour about Genesis. I can't believe it. He told me that in the last few weeks he hit a really low place in his life. He had no hope... He was very depressed and just wanted it all to end. He went outside at night and it was raining and instantly he saw a dragonfly. First of all dragonflies are not common here especially in the winter. I have never seen one at night or in the rain... But he did. It instantly made him think of me  and Genesis. He went to bed shortly after and had a dream. A dream about me...the rainbows and Genesis. She was an older kid and she was playing with D and G and I was just sitting back watching them. We both started crying as he was telling me his dream. He told me when he woke up he couldn't stop crying and
really missed Genesis. He said it even surprised him because he only saw her once at the mortuary for a couple minutes but yet he had a love for her as her uncle and truly missed her. Instantly he no longer felt depressed or without hope. He felt that Genesis had given him strength and a reason to go on.

I seriously cannot believe this. He didn't know dragonflies reminded me of her... He did however remember on his own that dragonflies were part of the theme of her nursery and he on his own said that they reminded him of her. Also yellow and green baby things remind him of her. I bought a ton of yellow 
and green stuff for her when I was pregnant since I didn't know her gender ♥ (I'm seriously crying typing this) so when he woke up he said he went over to my parents house and told my mom the dream about Genesis and she told him not to
tell me because it could make me sad. I absolutely hate that she said that. I had to be frank with my brother and say look, even though talking about her may make me cry I absolutely adore taking about Genesis and it's music to my ears anytime anyone remembers her on their own. He said he didn't listen to my mom and knew he had to tell me. I'm so so glad he did. When people ask my brother how many kids I have he says 3 ♥ I seriously love my brother ♥

Thursday, January 19, 2012

First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me...

Ive been duped. Again. Another BLM is discover to have been fake. 

Let me take you back. About 2 and a half years ago I met this BLM online. She and I had about 30 mutual friends on Facebook so you would think she was "safe" to add and offer support to. Her name was Denise Oliver. Her husband was on Facebook too, Michael Oliver. And the both of them were friends with many of the people I had as friends online. I never friended Michael but saw many of his posts between our mutual friends. 

Her story was that she had lost boy/ girl twins, Emily and Blake. I can't remember when this loss was said to take place or why or at what gestation. However what I do remember over the course of our "friendship" was that there was a lot of drama with the Olivers. After she had the twins she claimed to have postpartum eclampsia. She reported several hospital visits and seizures a long with many other medical problems like blood clots and even emotional distress like depression and suicidal thoughts. She even claimed that she had a hysterectomy because of some complication from having the twins.

She complained all the time that she could not handle knowing other people were pregnant and knowing she would never be pregnant again. Everything was a trigger for this woman. I didn't want to feel like I was walking on eggshells and she seemed to be pretty disturbed so I quietly deleted her. She realized I wasn't on her friends list shortly after and messaged me asking if I would friend her again because she needed support. I felt so bad for her, but I thought it was funny as we didn't really talk much. So I added her again. During this time she adopted two sons, older kids.

Then last year she announced that she and Michael had found a surrogate and were going to have a rainbow. Well this rainbow made it here safely a few months ago. Well something happened in the last few days that someone found out she was going to have another rainbow. But word got out that SHE was pregnant. Well this caused quiet the stir as you would imagine when someone who has had a hysterectomy states they are pregnant. She finally confessed publicly that she never had a hysterectomy and that she lied about it to protect herself from being asked questions about ttc and having rainbows. Um... that doesn't make sense but ok. I remembered she would complain all the time about not being able to have more kids and triggers.... it was all a lie.

I decided that someone that lied so much and to the extent she did to an already hurting community wasn't someone I was interested in staying friends with. So I promptly deleted and blocked both her and her husband. I thought that was the end of it... until I logged back online to see the public uproar.

Turns out there is no Denise Oliver. Her husband Michael Oliver is actually Will Oliver. Will has a profile on Facebook that was public and this face Denise stole all his family photos and claimed them as her own. Everything was a lie. This wasn't her. This wasn't her family. Those kids were not named what she said they were. She never had twins... everything was a lie. EVERYTHING.

I know this isn't the first time there have been fake BLMs, and it won't be the last. But it never ceases to amaze me what people do. How sick people are. And why on earth would you WANT to be part of this"club". WHY? You want to have a dead child? I would gladly trade places with you and want to know nothing of this "club". And the extent of the lies is incredible. A sociopath for sure.

So I have gone over my friends list online at least 4 times the last day or so cutting people that I don't really know, that I don't really talk to or have a bad feeling about. This just really scares the crap out of me.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

More happiness

I am overdue for another happy list post. So just as last time, here are 10 random things that make me happy.

1. I love crafting. I cannot tell you the joy it brings me to do something creative. Its even better when Im making this for someone else. I love bringing a smile to someones face. I also love that my crafts that I sell are used to fund something so worthy... memory boxes that are donated to the hospital Genesis and my rainbows were born at. 

2. Music. Music is amazing to me. I love everything about it. I can read it, write it and play it. I love listening to it, discovering new music and dancing to it. It speaks to me. It evokes such emotions and feelings and even memories. Takes me back to a place in time. Transports me to a place I wish I could be, even for just the 3 minutes the song is playing. It brings me so much joy.

3. Thunderstorms. They make me VERY VERY happy. I am in awe of their power and beauty. I could stay up all night watching the silver flashes of light in the sky, listening to the rolling thunder and pouring rain. Just leaves me breathless. And of course with all that action in the skies you are in for some awesome sunsets as well and if your lucky, you may be treated to some rainbows :)

4. Well number 3 lead in quite nicely to this one. Rainbows. This one should be quite obvious as to why I like them :) But Ill say it anyway. I love them because I have two rainbow babies of my own. It reminds me of how very special they are. But not only that rainbows are actually pretty spectacular. Even the biblical meaning behind them is quite amazing. And to add one more bit of specialness to rainbows, I am an 80's baby so you know I goes to love me rainbow bright and really anything with rainbows. Takes me back to my childhood.

5. I love to cook. Im getting pretty good at it if I do say so myself. I am all about eating healthy and I try not to eat a lot of red meat. Thats quite the feat being Cuban and all. But as a result I have come to love fish. I eat a lot of it. I make a pretty mean garlic and lemon pepper salmon if I do say so.

6. Again on the topic of food and fish. I had to put sushi on my list. I ADORE sushi. More specifically I LOVE sashimi. The texture of raw fish is amazing! My favorites are tuna and salmon. I could eat it all day. It literally melts in your mouth. Mmmm. I could go for some right now. I love rolls too like hawaiian rolls, rainbow rolls and dynamite rolls.

7. Sort of in line with sushi and sashimi, I love smoked salmon aka lax aka gravad lax. Im still not sure if this falls in the raw fish category. I guess its sort of a controversial topic haha but regardless I love it. I love it just as its pictured. On a toasted bagel with cream cheese... mmm. Only thing missing in this picture that would have topped it off was capers. Omg yum!  
8. I am into exercise now. Well I have been for about the last 6 months. Having 3 kids pretty much back to back is not kind on a mama's body. So I knew it was time to focus on me now and get to starting to feel good and feel good about myself. I love running and staying active. I am pleased to say I have lost 20 pounds since I have started exercising. I hope to loose another 30. I seriously feel fantastic. The best I have probably ever felt. I should have done this years ago. I love pushing myself at the gym. The end results are well worth it. 

9. In line with my last post, nothing makes a gym girl happier than a nice pair of cute running shoes. For real, aren't these SO cute! And they are very comfortable. Im serious when I say they make a world of a difference in joint pain when running. And seriously, the confidence booster is amazing. 

10. Last but not least, gerber daisies. Not just any gerber daisies though. Light pink, coral and cream. I adore them. They are one of my favorite flowers. They brighten up the room. I mean seriously, how can you look at these flowers and not feel happy? They are happy flowers :) And so delicate and feminine. I wish I could have a vase full of them on my dinning room table all the time. Such a pretty flower.

This makes me think...

My necklace broke. Again. You know... the necklace. I don't understand why all of a sudden my chains keep breaking. In the last year alone I think I must have bought at least 4 replacements. Is someone trying to tell me something? Does this mean anything? I just think its a bit odd. I mean this chain has broken more times in the last year than ever before. I have had it since just after losing Genesis and its has never, I mean NEVER broken until last year. And it keeps breaking. So very weird.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It happened again....

I went to Pollo Loco for lunch today. I don't particularly like it there but its right across the street from my work so it's convenient. 

I actually used to go here ALL. THE. TIME. When I was pregnant with G as I craved the dollar tacos they had there. I went so much they would see me and asked if I wanted "the usual." Well once I had G the cravings went away and well, I was pretty sick of the place by then anyway. So I went back and the lady recognized me and asked how the baby was. In our conversation she asked when #2 was gonna happen. For a moment I wanted to say you mean #4 but I really didn't want to get into it as I was pressed for time. So I just said "you mean #3. I have a son at home." Then of course she knew I had a boy and a girl and the infamous "Oh so you are all set" comment came up. 

I know people mean well but who the heck came up with that if you have a child of both genders you are done? Who made that the epitome of "the perfect family"? It's so cliche. But I smiled and told her only God will know when I am done. If he choose to bless me with another child I would be thrilled. She was satisfied with my answer and left it at that. But of course as I waited for my food I felt that guilt for not including Genesis and replying with the full and complete answer that the next baby, if there is one, will be child #4 for me. I don't think I will ever have the perfect answer for this loaded question.

And here is the apology from Good Housekeeping to the BLM they interviewed

Dear Ms. Albrecht,

Thank you for your feedback— a powerful reminder of the power of emotions and the importance of empathy. You are so correct; I totally agree with you that reaching out to this grieving mother— regardless of a concern to respect her privacy— is truly the correct answer. Even if her miscarriage had not yet been general knowledge among her co-workers, a one-on-one heartfelt “I’m so sorry” would have been better than waiting to express condolences. This Pop Quiz is misleading and caused hurt and concern for our readers. For this, I sincerely apologize.

Peggy Post
Good Housekeeping

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

One small victory for BLMs

Remember this post? Where Good Housekeeping told their readers that those going through a pregnancy loss should basically be ignored... Well I rallied on Facebook and asked all my blm friends to pass the picture around I took of that pop quiz and voice our opinions that their advice was actually the worst advice. Well after a few days a fellow BLM was able to get in touch with Good Housekeeping and is going to be interviewed today at 2pm. Good Housekeeping is in the process of writing an apology for the bad advice!!! I cannot tell you how incredible this is. My tiny picture, my tiny voice was heard. This BLM spoke on behalf of all of us and our children. Im still blown away by this.

Time to reflect

Women are confusing creatures. Throw some grief in there and no one can really understand it. Not even the woman herself. So many emotions to sift through, to try and make sense of. Sometimes it just can't be done.

I have written before about what a loving community the BLM community is. A close knit sisterhood. However there are the trolls as one of my friends likes to put it. Those that no matter what you do or say want to start something. I guess I shouldn't say want to start something... maybe they don't want to but with being a BLM there are so many triggers you never know what may jump out at you or how you will react.

I feel very strongly in standing up for myself and being assertive and doing what my heart tells me to do. So yesterday I did just that.

There was a group on Facebook for miscarriage/loss support, and they posed a question that began like this: 
"Did you get to hold your loss?"

Now Im sorry but I was sensitive to this. My daughter wasn't a loss. She was my child. A baby. My little girl. A loss is what happened, but she wasn't a loss. I really don't want her associated with something bad. Something bad did happen but that isn't her. She was and is the light of my life and my joy. I want her to be remembered for the good, not the fact that she couldn't stay long. So I replied to the thread, which I usually don't, but I felt I needed to step up. I simply stated that perhaps I may be overly sensitive but I don't refer to my daughter as a loss. Yes I did loose her, but I didn't hold "my loss", I held my daughter. My baby. And that she may want to re word it. Several BLMs agreed with me in the post. Ultimately the post was deleted and a new post was made by the page owner saying she was disappointed in the response. She also went on to say she felt attacked and even questioned continuing doing what she was doing to support BLMs. 

This was certainly not my intention. I think she blew it out of proportion. I mean, if you are running a public page then you are putting yourself out there for people to both agree and disagree with what you post. Plain and simple. But add to it that we are grieving mothers and most posts are like tip toeing around egg shells. You can't please everyone, thats just plain and simple fact. My only reason for even commenting was to get my perspective out. She didn't have to agree, nor did anyone else. I just knew I was voicing my opinion and my way of remembering my daughter. And for that I am proud. 

Anyway, getting back to women being hard to understand. So as soon as she voiced her dissatisfaction with the replies new BLMs jumped in to the rescue. Which is fine and great there is that kind of support but she was not attacked. She really was too sensitive about it and wanted to make it into something it was not. I suppose the same could be said about me, I was too sensitive about her initial post. Either way, we are both entitled to say what we feel. And we can agree to disagree. 

But I guess the whole reason for this post is just to shed light on how difficult it is to be a BLM. Even we bump heads at times. It does not negate from the fact that we miss our children and support those that are traveling the same road we are.

Monday, January 9, 2012

An expert seamstress

I follow a lot of blogs and I have been so bad at keeping up with them. I attempted to read some today and found a post that really hit home for me. Click here to read it. What really struck a cord with me was the closing: 

This is what we do. We are expert seamstresses. We weave in and out of grief. We take the needle and pull the thread through, trying our best to wrap up and pull in those memories. Their names. Their entire, short, existence.

This was so well written I just had to share it with you all. As for me... this part of the year just sucks. Im in constant anticipation of what turn my grief will take. Im inching my way closer to March and the fact that it will be half a decade is still so very shocking to me. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

One of the reasons pregnancy and infant loss is such a taboo subject

I got my Good Housekeeping magazine in the mail the other day and finally had a moment to sit down and read through it today. Imagine my surprise when I flip through the pages and see the picture to the left. Naturally I have much to say on the topic.

First off, who is this "expert" who has all these answers? Come on, at best its just some random person's opinion. Second, is this person a man or a woman? Second, is this person a BLM? I dont know the answer to the first two questions but I sure as hell know the answer to the third. There is no way that this person has lost a child at any age or gestation if they are telling the public that A) Say nothing; some things are private is how you should react when you find out someone has lost a child. 

I posted this on my facebook to rally together some BLMs to write in about this. This is actually the WORST thing you can do. Does this sound familiar: 

"The mention of my child’s name might make me cry, not mentioning my child’s name will surely 
break my heart." Sara Weaver-Lundberg

I know we all cope differently with this, and there are a few women out there that dont bat an eyelash at having a miscarriage, but one thing I have seen is universal among the BLMs I have met. We appreciate anyone that recognizes and remembers the life of our child. Always. Even if it makes us cry, it also makes our heart glad. 

By having this is a magazine it's only further supporting the "just sweep it under the rug attitude". It only adds to the taboo. So anyway I mentioned I put it on my facebook page and of all people my sister had to comment on it. 

If you recall this is the sister that I only just found recently. She is my half sister. And she didnt even remember the brother that her mother had who was still born back when I mentioned it to her. She put her two cents about how she personally is a private person and wouldn't want to talk about it and such. I realize there probably are people out there that would react this way... but my problem with this is that she is NOT a BLM. Its easy to speculate how you may react if you went through this but truth is you have no idea until you actually have a dead child. I mentioned this, tactfully, and she basically replied with saying that maybe things out here in CA are done differently (not sure what that means) and that regardless she can still relate. Um no. Unless you have a dead child, you cannot relate. Period. You cant EVER relate, until it happens to you. Point blank. Why must people who dont have a clue about this need to comment on it and make it about them? 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Leaving another year behind

I can't believe its 2012. Wow. Seriously, where does the time go?

I ended the year on a high note. For starters, I took the rainbows to visit Genesis stone. It has been way too long since our last visit. As always they had a blast and D knew exactly where her stone was and was very excited to see it. 

I was going to spend new years eve at home, alone, as always... but then I got invited to an impromptu trip to Santa Barbara with the family. We had a very nice time. While there was about 3 hours left on the clock for the year a commercial came up on tv. It asked if you were pregnant and on Topamx and if your baby was born with a defect you are entitled to a settlement. {remember my previous post about topamax?} I have not seen one of these commercials in ages. And why now? Right as the year is closing? I felt like maybe it was a kind of wink to let me know she is not forgotten and maybe right there with us in spirit. Who knows...

Then today as we were walking around Santa Barbara I came across this statue:

It had this plaque on it:
Sea horses are another thing that reminds me of Genesis, and Im sort of drawn to them as well. Did you see the date on the plaque? July 29th, that was Genesis' EDD. I think its a bit too much to be a coincidence. Either way it brought me comfort. 

Today being Jan 1st and all, it begins the difficult journey that is the beginning of the year. Each month that approaches March is more difficult than the last. I cant believe I am approaching 5 years without my sweet daughter. 
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