Thursday, August 30, 2012


I have had some pretty major life changing events sort of hit me out of the blue. Well, they are in the process of hitting you could say (no Im not pregnant or getting married....yet). For most of these events, Id rather not get into specifics. I will say that I did want these things to happen but not quite yet. But as we all know life has a way of doing what it pleases, not so much what we want, when we want it. 

One of these events does involve my ex husband. I really did not anticipate having any contact with him yesterday, but there was. We texted for a good while during the day and decided it would be a good idea to talk over the phone. Mind you this is the first time we have talked on the phone in say... 2 years or so and all our previous conversations were quite heated. He and I have come to a crossroads that needs to be worked out, so thats why we decided talking would be best. After we talked about what we needed to discuss we sort of got into a bit of chit chat which really surprised me. After all I didn't really want to talk to him to make small talk and catch up. But that was essentially what he was doing. So I had the opportunity to ask him something that has always been on my mind. He had always talked about getting a memorial tattoo for Genesis. I asked if he ever got it. He said no. I asked if he ever thought about her. He said yes, all the time. I asked if he remembered her birthday. He didn't have a clue. Didn't even get the month right. Im not really sure why, but I told him the correct birthday. He thanked me. He did tell me that he likes to talk about her all the time. He told me that Genesis saved the life of two babies. I asked how so. He explained that he knew two different women who were going to get abortions and he went on to tell them Genesis' story and after hearing that they decided to keep their babies. Now I have no idea if this is true or not, but if it is I think its absolutely wonderful. I thanked him for sharing that with me and for keeping her memory alive. 

Another one of these events involves me moving to a new place to live. Im not sure when I need to do it by or where I am going or really, how I am going to make it work, but its eminent. One of the first things that crossed my mind is that I am going to be leaving the place that Genesis was conceived. I don't know if that is a normal thing to think but it crossed my mind. It also occurred to me that I will be leaving behind her nursery. Well it's been all my kids nursery, but it was made for her. Paining the mural on the wall brought me such comfort in the days and weeks after her death. I kept myself busy by telling myself to finish the nursery because I will have a baby one day to put in it. I have so many memories connected with the mural and we are leaving it behind. We are leaving it all behind. The place we end up going to will likely be smaller than where I am at now. So we will probably need to get rid of some things. Things that are no longer of use. Baby things. The things I originally bought for Genesis. It hurts to think this. I wish I could afford a storage unit and just keep everything in there forever. Not practical I know. Maybe not even normal, I don't really know. Either way all these thoughts crossed my mind. We will be moving to a new place. A place for the rainbows and I. A place that Genesis was not connected to. Of course I will be bringing her urn along and she will be with us in that regard, but its not quite the same as having the rainbows grow up in the house that was connected with Genesis. The house that we very much still feel the connection with her at times. Im not sure if that will follow up to wherever we go. I suppose time will tell. I feel this is just another way that life must move on, move forward, and leave her and her memories behind. I knew the day would come one day, I just wasn't ready for it to be so soon.


TanaLee Davis said...

Lots of changes. I'm glad your ex was "pleasant" to talk with instead of the later. You are so strong tiffany- I have no doubt that your new place will glow with genesis memory even though the place is a different may surprise yourself...I did with moving. Hugs girl, missing you.

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