Monday, February 20, 2012

Less than 30 days

Yup her birthday is in less than 30 days. Each day my heart throbs more and more. I don't even have to be thinking about it... my heart does on its own. 

I have not posted much about my dating life as my last dating experience didn't really end well.. but I have been seeing a new man for a little bit now. About a month and a half now. And honestly things are going fantastic. I told him a few weeks into dating about Genesis. I wasn't sure how he would react. I mean its bad hard enough to find someone accepting of the fact that I have 2 kids... and now I had to drop the bomb on him that I actually have 3 but one is dead. But he understood where I was coming from and knew why I had to tell him. Because to know me and my kids is to know Genesis. She is a huge part of my life and anyone I am considering being with needs to know that. I also thought it was fitting since March was approaching and he should know that its a hard time for me. He was very understanding and appreciated me telling him and told me it doesn't change a thing. He even told me he was glad I told him as he wants to be there for me during this difficult time. He wants to help me get through it this year with maybe making happy memories. I really liked that. He also said that I can feel free to tell him anything and talk about Genesis anytime I want. He will always be there as a supportive listening ear. Seriously, he is great.

So anyway, I bring up the guy Im dating... we will call him Mr. L, because of something he said to me Friday. I was in the mood to get a tattoo... (please no judgements) and I told him about it. His first reply was "Is this in memory of Genesis?" I thought that was so very sweet of him to think of her. This is actually the second time he has brought her up since I told him about her. The first time I was having a rough day and he asked if it was because of her and since her date was coming up. It wasn't but I was touched that he asked. (and for the second it was not a memorial tattoo and I didn't even end up getting it)

Also on friday I got a postcard from my uncle. This is my biological uncle that I just met last year for the first time. Check out what he wrote on the card:

Did you catch that last bit? "Give a big hug and kiss to D & G and a special one for Genesis. And of course to you!" He seriously blew me away. Brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. Just wonderful.

And on Saturday I finally got the dog tags I ordered from S.O.B.B.S. It again brought a smile to my face when I saw her name.

This time of year is no joke. Each year it is different though. Its more manageable 5 years out... though I have to tell you I do have my rough days leading up to her birthday. Im not sure how the actual day will be. Ive already had a few random days where I just cry. 

Yesterday I took D & G for a walk and took this adorable photo:
You know what I thought as I took the photo... How I would love for them to be holding Genesis hand right now... walking with her. I even imagined 3 small shadows walking on the sidewalk. Made me miss her so very much.

Also yesterday, I had a little heart to heart with D. Letting him know that Im always going to be here for him. I will never leave him. Since I have been dating Mr. L he's had to share mommy with someone and there have been a couple times where sometimes he worries if Im not coming back. So I just wanted to assure him Im here forever and no one comes before him and G. He understood and his reply was "Ill never forget you mommy." Kind of interesting the choice of words he used but I knew where he was coming from. Then I took the opportunity to ask him to always remember Genesis too. He shook his head in agreement and said "no problem." Ha ha! I love this kid. But yes, he gets it I think. And I don't doubt that he will ever forget his big sister. She is in his heart. I can't wait for G to be old enough to get it and start saying her name. That will be music to my ears. 


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