Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A leap year to remember

This wonderful leap year started off with me getting dumped and leading into that wretched month known as March.

Something else that happened today was my necklace broke. Yup. That necklace. Yup. Again. And the weird part is that it practically just fell off me as I was wearing it... not even touching it.

I think it's a sign. I keep replacing it and replacing it and it keeps breaking and breaking all over again. I think it's a sign I need to do something differently. Move on... Or something. Because clearly I should not be where I am 5 years out... Or at least that what the rest of the world has lead me to believe.

Mr. L has caused me to question how "involved" Genesis is in my life. I asked a good guy friend if me having a dead child is an issue for guys I'm considering dating. He replied, no not really... Unless you make it a big deal. Those words stuck with me.

Am I making it a big deal?

What's considered big?

And isn't losing a child actually a big deal?

When does it stop being a big deal.... If ever?

I have been spending the day thinking about how I grieve...
If I should still be grieving. How I remember her and if it's actually helping me. What is considered help? I'll never get "better"... So why do anything at all?

I'm questioning everything now. I felt like I had found myself once... And now I feel like I may have lost myself again. Or did I ever really find myself to begin with? As you can see I'm confused and overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin.


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